Entry 3 –
I just had a most relaxing morning. I really didn’t do much, just hung out here at the house and zoned on the couch. I have a lot on my mind right now. Next week, I got to the doctor again and he will tell me if my treatments are having any effect on the Hodgkin’s.
So today, I asked Zeke if he would take me on a trip and make it a surprise. He said he would. So I sat there for a while and tried to guess where he would take me. I heard him talking on his cell phone to someone in the bedroom. Then he came out with a t-shirt, one of my bras, one of his light blue button down shirts, and a pair of jeans! I was amazed. He never dresses me in pants!
My legs haven’t been covered since he brought me home from the hospital. -giggle- I like the way that sounds. It makes me feel like his baby.
We ate something light for lunch and he fed me a bottle as I curled up in his lap. A bottle after eating is so wonderful. My stomach gets upset easily from the drugs I have to take and the bottle settles it down. But now I know how Zeke feels will all his weak stomach trouble. It isn’t fun.
After my bottle (and the burping I do after it which always makes me laugh), Zeke placed me on my blanket on the living room rug. I knew what was coming. He had checked me while I was on his lap and he knew I needed a change.
He lowered me on my back and touched the nipple of the paci to my lips. I took it in my mouth and relaxed my body, parting my legs as he unfastened my diaper.
I never tire of the diaper changes. It easily could become a novelty that has worn off its charm, but Zeke never forgets to change me with a gentle touch. It’s that caress that I look forward to more than anything. When he touches me, I ache all over. Sometimes, without knowing it, I arch my back up at his stroke.
He lifted my bottom and legs in the air as he took a wipe to my bottom. This is another wonderful sensation that I can’t put to words. Then came the powder, and the rustling of a new diaper being put under me. I immediately fell back into the baby feelings as he lowered me down onto it.
I watched him fold the diaper up over my front and tape it into place at my sides. Hmmmm. The feeling of a brand new diaper is wonderful, always.
Being wet can be fun too, but only if it ends with a diaper change from him. He makes me very happy.
I sat up at his command and threw my hands straight out as he put a bra on me. He’s gotten a lot better at putting one of those on me. I’ve explained to him that a twisted strap is very uncomfortable and after he puts it on me, he has to “situate things” just so or it won’t ever feel right. He’s done well in his past few attempts.
I threw my hands to the sky as he brought a white baby-t over my head and onto my body. It was really tight, but still comfortable enough. Besides, I like the way it makes me look and I know Zeke likes the way it makes me look, too.
Then came a new experience for me. He placed me on my back and had me raise my legs straight up as he stood up and grabbed my jeans.
He stuck both of his arms up the pant legs and scrunched them down on his arms. Then he walked over to me and grabbed my ankles, shaking his arms and allowing the jeans to slowly fall down onto my legs. My feet popped out of them and he helped me scooch them up over my waist, buttoning and zipping them up.
Next he put socks on the end of my feet. I sat up, rested my head on my knees and wrapping my arms around my bent legs as I watched him put my sneakers on and tie them.
I jumped to my feet and followed him into the nursery as he quickly packed my diaper bag. I glanced over at the mirror above my dresser and noticed what I looked like in jeans. I was happy he let me wear jeans, but I was worried that I’d have a diaper butt.
So I begged Zeke to tell me where we were going. He could tell the look on my face was serious worry so he didn’t play around about it and told me … We were going to meet his mother!!!
I looked back at my image in the mirror and then walked over to Zeke and hugged him. He returned the hug, assuring me that his mother was going to love me. I didn’t bother telling him that my fear was more about having a diaper butt than meeting her. But I knew there was no way he would take the diaper off and let me wear panties. So, I mustered up the courage and followed him out to the car.
Don’t get me wrong. I really wanted to meet his mother. He had said so much about her. He told me she was a very sweet lady, but she could come off as judgmental. You just needed to get to know her first. I had all ready spoken with her on the phone. She sounded cheery. So I was hoping the awkward “getting to know you” time would come and go quickly when we met. I was more concerned with a big butt or an elastic waistband giving away our secret to her. But Zeke didn’t seem to be worried. So I tried not to be.
On the way we stopped at a Turkey Hill store. Zeke has an addiction to Turkey Hill Iced Tea.
Let me tell you something about Turkey Hill stores. They have an entire set of drinks, from iced tea to green tea to lemonade to orangeade to limeade and every weird flavor you can think of in between. It’s a local company here in Lancaster and Zeke is addicted to the iced tea. He drinks like two gallons of it a day which isn’t good because it’s known to cause kidney stones.
Anyways, we saw somebody he knew there. They were a young couple I had never seen before. We talked for a little bit and he introduced me. After a few minutes, we paired off. The guys started talking football. The girl and I started to talk to each other. We both felt kind of awkward, not really knowing what to say to each other, but we were polite about it until the guys finished.
I was feeling little all ready, but when the girl looked down at my waist and raised an eyebrow, I knew my diaper was noticeable. I got uncomfortable, but tried not to show a reaction, passing a lie off to her that I was retaining water. And instantly, the tension dropped. She believed me and we finally had something to talk about. Now the guys were waiting for us to stop talking. Ha Ha!
We eventually did leave the store and got moving down to his mother’s house. Pulling into her driveway, my tummy got fluttered. I got nervous again about meeting her. Who wouldn’t be? But now, I was even more nervous that his mom might notice my diaper. What if I leaked and soaked my jeans at her house? This could be really embarrassing.
We walked up to her door and I quickly put the pacifier in my shirt pocket as Zeke unlocked the door. We walked in and a lady with a big smile came walking down the stairs. He introduced us and she hugged me. Then she took me on a tour of her house. Everything was very neat and she had a lot of antiques.
Here I was, so nervous to meet her, but she turned out to be a very, very cheery woman. And now she was leading me around by the hand and showing me everything in her home. She was kind to me and made feel comfortable. I appreciated that and I began to fall in love with this lady’s charm. Suddenly, I realized that I had been foolish for worrying. This was Zeke’s mom, the woman who raised him. Of course she was wonderful and Zeke was proof of it.
No sooner did she stop showing her house than she declared that she was ready to go. So we got in her car and began driving down the road. Zeke insisted that I sit in the passenger’s seat next to her, seeing how well we were getting along. And as we were driving to Wal-Mart, a trip that she and Zeke have made together many times, I realized why I had taken to her so quickly … She was talking to me like I was a little girl! Complete with overly-excited enthusiasm to tell me how she was able to get several errands done during her lunch hour yesterday. I was loving this!
She talked a mile a minute and had such animation. Then she began to ask me questions about me. I was so excited myself I started spouting off as much about me that I could think. I got to the part where I told her how Zeke and I met and I blurted out the word “Daddy”.
I quickly corrected myself and called him Zeke. But then the conversation came to an eerie halt. There were a few moments of silence and I got so nervous that I started peeing myself.
His mom smiled and then told me how her father used to call her mother “Daddy” and how she used to call Zeke’s father “Daddy”. It’s a typical slip of the tongue.
Whew! That was a close call!
Soon we arrived at a Wal-Mart I had never been to before. It was in a place called Parkesburg, just east of Lancaster County. His mom said she liked this particular one and always went there. We got out of the car and I quickly looked down at the front of my jeans to see if I leaked. Luckily I hadn’t, but my diaper gotten heavy and it was going to be hard to walk straight and not waddle. I pressed up against Zeke and he put his arm around me as we walked in. This felt right: a BabyGirl and her Daddy, out and about. I felt so little and the wet diaper under my jeans kept me feeling that way.
We walked in and his mom said she needed to get a gift for her grandson. Zeke’s older brother had two sons. I guess they will become my nephews before long. : ) So we made our way back to the toy section, short-cutting through where? You guessed it, the baby section.
My eyes grew wide when I saw all the baby stuff. His mom stopped and checked the price of diapers, remarking how they had become much more expensive then when she had babies to take care of. Zeke had to almost pull me away from that section as I started looking at all the toys and pacifiers and bottles and the whole section had that diaper smell and I didn’t want to leave it. But I did as Zeke instructed and followed him and his mother to the toy section like a good girl.
Zeke said he was a Lego maniac when he was a boy and he said he probably had 10,000 Legos as a kid. Persuading his mother to buy her grandson Legos, we proceeded to the boy’s section of the toys, right past the pink aisle. I really wanted to go down the pink aisle, but we had to go to the boy’s section. I started to feel a little bratty and I stuck my bottom lip out slightly.
Zeke saw my lip and lightly patted me on my bottom, his way of quietly telling me to be good. I was starting to feel playful, but was trying to prevent myself from getting too playful. My bladder wasn’t full, and I swear to you I forgot I had all ready wet my diaper before I started to wet myself again in defiance.
It was a foolish thing to do. If I leaked, it would be me that got embarrassed, not him. And if my jeans became so soaked that his mother could see, it would only make her suspect something a little more out of the slip of the tongue I had earlier when I called Zeke my “Daddy”.
All of these thoughts were circling around in my mind as I stood there in the boy section and peed. When I tried to stop, I couldn’t and now it was only time before my pee won and soaked my jeans or the diaper held out. Either way, I wasn’t going to be able to move very much after this.
I crossed my legs slightly as I finished peeing and relaxed in the relief I now felt. But the weight inside my jeans was now immense. Then suddenly, his mother started looking around the toy section, remarking about the price of toys, she began venturing over into the pink aisle and we followed her.
Yeah, I was happy to get to see the pink aisle, by my-oh-my did I have to move carefully. It was now impossible to walk with that modest girly sway that always got the boys looking. Now I had to fight the waddle. No longer interested in toys so much, I grabbed Zeke’s left hand and shoved it down the front of my jeans. His hand felt the weight of my diaper and his eyes grew big.
Taking his hand out of my pants (-giggle- That sounds naughty!), he walked up to his mom and encouraged her to go. I’m still not sure what he said exactly (as I was cowering back in the corner), but she decided that leaving was a good idea and she never questioned Zeke’s insistence.
Up to the front we went, and we got into the shorter of the two lines. This is one of those things that blows my mind about Wal-Marts. Why do they even have 50 registers if they only use 2 at a time? Oh well, that’s a whole other diary entry ranting right there.
Anyways, we got into line and I remembered the late night Wal-Mart trip we made the first night I spent at his apartment. We were standing in a line that didn’t move and I had pooped my diaper. I don’t remember how Zeke got us out of there, but he did before I started stinking up the place.
Now, this time we were standing in a long line and I was so wet that I might start leaking at any second. It was like de ja vu, sort of. I kept thinking of how I had caused this problem because I wanted to go to the pink aisle and decided to wet myself in protest.
His mother made idle talk with me and I began to get embarrassed. Here I was, standing in front of my future mother-in-law and I was soaked. The only thing that would have made it worse would have been if she found out. I vowed right then and there to not ever be so foolish again.
But we made it through the line without a drop showing on me and then headed to her car. I took my time getting into the front passenger’s seat. I wasn’t about to blow it now. So, I didn’t really sit down the whole way. Luckily, the Arby’s we were headed to was at the other end of the parking lot. So I wouldn’t have to hover for long.
We pulled into the Arby’s and made our way in. Zeke had thought ahead by grabbing a diaper and the travel pack of wipes from my diaper bag in the back seat. He handed them to me inconspicuously and I held them in one hand under the back of my shirt. Everything was going to work out fine. I would go into the ladies bathroom and change myself in a stall. And I had intentions of putting the diaper on correctly this time. The last time I changed myself was when we were on vacation in the Bahamas and I put it on wrong. It gave me a lop-sided looking butt. That wasn’t going to happen this time.
But as soon as we entered, his mother said she needed to use the bathroom and would be right back. As she walked to the bathroom, Zeke and I looked at each other. Now what were we going to do? I couldn’t “hover” in a booth the whole time we ate. Then, the solution came to us both at the same moment.
Zeke and I ran back out to the car. I opened the back door as Zeke spun me around, took the pacifier from my shirt pocket, inserted it in my mouth, unzipped my jeans, slid them down to my ankles, and lowered me onto to my back across the back seat. All of this happened very quickly and it got me very excited, but I had the presence of mind to do my part.
I began unfolding the new diaper in my hand as he unfastened my wet one and wiped me down at record pace. My hips and bottom went up in the air and in no time he was lowering me back down onto the new diaper. There was no time for powder or the usual caress he put into changing me.
Fastening my diaper into place he stood me back up and began pulling my jeans up and back around my waist. As he zipped and buttoned me up I had just finished balling up the wet evidence. I handed it to him with a smile and hugged him. Somehow, some way, we had avoided discovery.
As we walked back into the Arby’s, we saw a father changing his infant daughter’s diaper in the backseat of his car, just as we had done. The only difference was I wasn’t crying when Zeke changed me. Let’s see … was that the only difference? Ummm. Yep! That was it. -giggle-
We walked back in and got into line at the split second that his mother walked out of the bathroom. Trying to regain our composures without giving away we were out of breath, we ordered our food and found a booth by one of the windows. His mother liked to sit in a booth where she could see her car. Maybe I’ll get that way some day, too.
As we ate, his mother asked about how we met. We both looked her straight in the eye and lied. We told her he had posted a story online and attached his email to it for feedback. I responded, we started emailing and everything grew from there. Zeke says that sometimes he lies to her about things. He still views it as lying, but he sees a greater good in doing it.
With finished our food and then left, traveling back to her house. On the way, I asked her what Zeke’s father was like. His mother gave a lengthy answer about Zeke’s father, but to summarize what she said:
Zeke’s dad was one of the kindest, calmest men she had ever met. He was a little lazy from time to time, but he was a very involved and loving father. He was never mean, and often avoided situations that might lead to a confrontation. He chose his battle, stuck to his guns, gave of his heart, and never asked for anything in return.
Her description of him brought tears to my eyes. She had described the man he was and the father he was, but she didn’t speak of the husband he was. His mother had left her experiences with him for last.
So I asked her what kind of a husband he was and her response was very short, yet had the most meaning of all … She said there was no one else in the world like him and no finer husband for her.
Then she paused for a minute and smiled before telling me that Zeke was becoming more like his father every day.
She said she was glad to have met me and thought that Zeke and I were very good for each other. I remember her exact quote: “There’s something about the two of you that makes you seem so right for each other. It’s like you two share something that makes your relationship work. I can’t place my finger on what it is, but I know it’s there.”
I smiled widely and said thank, telling her that I was very much in love with her son and I thought he was a perfect gentleman.
When we got back to her house, she said she would have us down for dinner some night soon. I gave her the biggest hug I could. I really like his mother a lot. It’s really hard to not like her. She’s just that kind of person. I never once saw the judgmental attitude Zeke said she had. But I guess he would know. I’m just glad she didn’t judge me harshly. Then we said our goodbyes and headed back to Lancaster City.
The whole way back, I just went on and on about his mother. I could see myself spending a lot of time with her, and I could see the typical poor relationship between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law not being the case with her and me.
I looked over at Zeke who had an honest smile on his face and I could tell he was very happy that I like his mother. I looked at his hands on the steering wheel, the way his hair curled behind his ear, the strong features on his face and the strong jaw line that chiseled down to his chin. And just like that, I regressed. I curled up in a ball and rested my head on his lap. He took the paci from my shirt pocket and placed it between my lips. Sheepishly as always, I took the nipple and nestled it in my mouth as the baby feeling wash over me completely, from the tip of my head to the tips of my toes. I was all his at that point and would have done anything he told me to. It was such a wonderful feeling to be in a total state of bliss.
Up to that moment, I still had a little apprehension about the thought of absolute submission, but no longer. Up to that moment, I thought the words “obey” and “obedient” still carried a connotation of dirtiness to it, but no longer. And let me tell you, when you get over that obstacle of the mind, when you reach that point where you can finally let someone else take control of you, it feels like you have been reborn . -giggle- I guess the pun is intended.
Zeke asked if I wanted to go to the Barnyard Bar and Grille in town. I nodded without even thinking about it. It didn’t matter what he asked. The answer was going to be yes from now on. For a Friday night, the Barnyard wasn’t as busy as I expected, but it was still somewhat early.
The Barnyard was a sports bar in the center of Lancaster City. People in their 20s and 30s often packed it full. Zeke and I were in the middle of that age group, so we fit in just fine. Thankfully, he knew the bouncer at the door whom he convinced to let me in without my ID. But the bouncer gave me a suspicious eyebrow. I didn’t think I looked that young! But I took it as a compliment. I know I don’t feel old enough to be in a bar. (And I certainly don’t act old enough! If he only knew the truth. -giggle- )
We found a booth to sit at and now having met his mother, I understood why Zeke always wanted a booth. Now it makes sense to me! We could sit at a table or at the bar, but Zeke always wants a booth. I guess he always sat in a booth growing up. He ordered his bacon double cheeseburger like he always does and I got my chicken fingers with barbecue sauce.
Then we started what I like to call “code talking”. We would do this from time to time when we went somewhere and wanted to talk about “things”. Zeke would switch into his Daddy voice, which is a little sweeter and a little softer than his usual voice and it always makes me feel little. He will talk to me like I’m a baby, but he won’t make it obvious so as to get people nearby wondering what’s going on. Sometimes, he will use this voice on me and I’ll start peeing. That sounds silly, I know, but I love it.
My part is very easy. All I have to do is answer “yes” or “no” to what he asks. It’s a lot of fun and yet another opportunity for me to be and feel little in public.
Our food came and we started eating. I sat Indian-leg style on the booth seat and chowed down, but the biggest surprise of the day was about to happen.
He asked me if I was getting sleepy and I suddenly began bouncing up and down while exclaiming “Tay-Tay!” I jumped up out of my seat and ran over to my sister who was walking up behind us. I hugged her and she hugged me back and then told me to calm down. I returned to the booth and patted the seat next to me so my sis would sit next to me.
She sat down and joined us. I introduced her to Zeke and it was a big surprise to him because he didn’t know I had a sister.
They started talking. I call her Tay-Tay but her name is really Taylor. She’s my older sister and protected me when we were little. I still look at her the same way I did as a little girl, and I still act like the little sister. Taylor is a very strong, very positive, very level-headed woman.
She used to babysit me, too, when I was little. Zeke learned all of this about her, but he didn’t know that she was aware of my AB side. He learned this when she bluntly asked me if I needed my diaper changed. It was kind of funny to see Zeke’s face. His jaw dropped and I almost spit the food out of my mouth laughing. I think at one point I told him that none of my family knew. So this came to him as a double surprise.
I hope I don’t get in trouble because I lied to him. -giggle- I guess I’ll tell him that it’s no different than when he lies to his mother. There’s a good reason for it, and I wasn’t ready to reveal that to him when he asked me when we were on vacation.
My sister also works at the Lancaster Newspaper and she told me she overheard that they want me to right as series of columns about my experiences with Hodgkin’s disease. I haven’t been able to go back to work. So I was happy to hear that the newspaper wanted me to do that. I would love to share my story. I’ll just leave out the AB and diaper stuff.
-giggle- I think I’ll call the series: “Lily’s Diary”.
We finished up eating and said goodbye to Tay-Tay and came back home. Zeke just gave me my evening bath and then got me ready for bed. I have written this entry while lying in my crib. My hair is in a ponytail. I’m in my nightie and I can still smell the fresh powder coming out of my new diaper. I feel like such a baby and my tummy is fluttering with butterflies about what my future with Zeke will have in store for me. Someday soon, I will become “Mrs. Lily Williams” and that makes me very happy.
We’re getting close to setting a date for our wedding day, but right now, what I’m looking forward to is the bottle feeding Zeke is going to give me. He will curl me up in his lap and read me Dr. Seuss with all the silly voices he does and I’ll fall asleep in his arms. It will be a perfect ending to a very wonderful day.
Gotta go. Zeke told me it’s time for my bottle. I’ll write again soon.