So…apparently by sending my mother an email saying basically “We both have our faults, and I’ve apologized enough for mine and am willing to work on keeping our relationship together and making it better, you gotta meet me half way here,” she somehow interpreted that as “I hate you and I don’t ever want to talk to you again.”
So here’s the letter I sent to her-
I know we didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms when we last talked but that doesn’t mean I want to end our relationship and stop calling you, not by a longshot. I apologize for what I said, or rather threatened the last time we talked, about how I’d never call you again. I was fairly frustrated and said it purely out of anger, and it wasn’t my intention to let something like that be said.
Regardless of that though, I still want to address a couple of problems. I want to call you and talk to you and have a conversation with you about whatever but it honestly feels like we haven’t had a real, actual conversation in years. It’s either been an argument where we both hate each other for a while afterwards, or a lecture where I kind of just sit their and nod in agreement, say okay, or apologize while you talk, and to be honest I don’t think this is really healthy for either of us.
The reason I have such a hard time talking to you though is because I don’t really feel like I could have an opinion that disagrees with you. I could tell you that I think Casey Anthony is innocent or that 9/11 wasn’t caused by the government and I honestly don’t know if you’d say “That’s your opinion” and let it be or if you’d try and correct me.
The other thing is that while I am aware of how much I hurt you by moving to New York, emotionally and financially, I’m going to say that I’m not going to apologize for it anymore. I think I’ve apologized enough and I know what I did was wrong, but this is my life and for once I’m actually happy with it.
Back in Bloomington, I had suicidal thoughts every now and then. I thought that a 70-80 year lifespan is a joke, where we’re put on this earth long enough to know what we want but we’ll never have enough time to do what we want. I was reclusive, anti-social, hell I even lied to myself and my entire family about being a transgender partly because I didn’t know and partly because I didn’t care.
But since I’ve moved here, I’ve gotten a job (even if it is a crappy fast food job), I’m swimming three or four times a week to lose weight, I’m far more outgoing than before, I’m getting things taken care of in terms of school, medical counseling, insurance, food, money, and everything else in my life. Obviously I’m not rich and I didn’t just win the lottery, but I am doing well for myself.
So anyway, this is going to come out harsh but I think it really needs to be said. I don’t want our next conversation to be another argument, and I don’t want to talk about why I moved to new york and why I did it on such short notice anymore. I’m willing to help salvage our relationship, as I would like to keep it, but I need to be met halfway too. Otherwise, and this is the part where it’s kinda harsh, if it turns into another argument/lecture then I really don’t have a problem just hanging up the phone.
Basically, I gave her an ultimatum. Now, keep in mind, our relationship is so fucked right now that I HAD to tell her I would hang up the phone if we get into another pointless yell-fest argument, so it’s a shitty thing to do I know this but there wasn’t a way around something like that. Not in my mind anyway.
However, the overall message is that I want to salvage and keep our relationship, that I -WANT- to call her and -WANT- to chat with her about who knows what. But I had to stand my ground and tell her that while I have my faults, she isn’t without fault either and even though I appreciate everything she’s given me, I am an adult now and want to be treated like one, not a child.
Here’s the response-
For 3 days I have tried to figure out a way to answer without making the situation worse. In response to your ultimatum, which I’m sorry but that is exactly what your final request was - an ultimatum. I finally figured out what needed to be said. Combined with the lack of any signature or note of love, I know where I am not wanted and or where I am being considered “toxic”, so you are getting your wish, I am bowing out. As I said at an earlier date, you are going to do what you want anyway, you always have, and always will, just stop blaming me.
Opinions, excluding those of a faith based nature, should be backed up by some sort of evidence, there should be some logic to your reasoning and if you aren’t ready to back it up, then you need to get used to being challenged frequently by others, as that is the way conversation works in the real world. If you are always going to view that as “correcting” from me, then I agree, and I see no way that we can ever have a conversation. Your anger was palpable, (misplaced as it is and was) and showed in the subjects you chose as they were chosen specifically to get a rise out of me, and if I were to ask you to provide your reasoning, well then I’m arguing/correcting, right? If I respond, well, that’s what most people call “conversation” or a “debate”, but to you, I should just “not speak of it”, no matter how inflammatory your statement. Not guilty does NOT mean she’s innocent, but whatever.
As I said, I got your message loud and clear, you get to speak your mind, wreck our car, destroy our home, talk to me like I’m dirt, lie to me, give me the least amount of help around the house that you possibly could in spite of my disabilities and my need for help, and I am supposed to not say anything & treat you like an adult who has earned my respect. Problem is you haven’t “earned” it. You’ve made it clear through out your life that strangers and friends will always get treated better than I will from you and now I’m not allowed to speak freely, but you are, hmmm, nifty how one-sided your solution is, don’t you think?
Adults take responsibility for all of their actions, good and bad. I have always supported you in any endeavor you have had, whether it’s going to school, learning Japanese, or becoming a woman. Whatever makes you happy, and apparently, I make you unhappy, you even hated me at times, (your words, not mine). I have never “hated” you, nor will I, ever. You were/are my gift. But when I point out that you are not behaving responsibly 1) by moving without a job, 2) talking marriage before you are finished with your therapies, both psychiatric and HRT, while being unemployed and on the public dime - well, that’s not the best way to start a life together, but go for it, don’t let me stop you, 3) letting the State of NY pay for everything you need, food, shelter and cash, too. No wonder you’re doing great, I would be to if I were to do the same thing. Doesn’t mean I have to respect you because you were able to fill out forms and get on welfare.
There are still many things that I am VERY PROUD of you for having accomplished and or the desire to do them - graduating high school, attending Ivy Tech and not giving up, learning to drive, getting a loan from the bank and your grandmother and paying them both off. You DO keep trying to get work and you have a strong desire to go out and see the world. All great things. Somehow, though, you think it’s totally ok to NOT be responsible to me, your mother. You lie to me, blame me when I point out the lies, are angry when I try to stop you from doing something that I feel you might regret or you are rushing into things, (like quitting the donut shop, remember that one?) These are not new behaviors, remember, you have lied to me your entire life and as usual, you get angry when I have the nerve to point it out.
So for your birthday, I am giving you what you seem to want, as there is no way I can promise to never voice my opinion, (an unrealistic request from you).
There is no way that I can promise not to question a hasty decision that you are contemplating.
I will not tolerate being told that I only needed you for a “Paycheck”, (which is downright funny, when you think about who paid the bills here) nor will I let you bully me into saying something that I am not ready to say, as you tried to do on our last conversation. I begged for time to collect my thoughts, yes I could have hung up on you, which is what we were forced to finally do.
You THINK I have a problem with Ellie. You THINK I have a problem with your becoming female. You THINK I need YOU for a paycheck, really?
The only thing I had, note HAD, a problem with was you rushing headlong into things without taking time to have all your ducks in a row. I really don’t care what you do as long as you are happy, which you say you are - Great! Far be it from me to be the cause of your misery.
I don’t remember lying to YOU, ever.
I don’t remember stealing from you, ever.
I don’t remember destroying your things, ever.
I have never hated you and never will, in fact, I love you enough to leave you alone.
I Love you,
Now, on one hand, she brings up some fair points. And I’ve never not acknowledged this, I’ve always known her to be intelligent and fair WHEN she’s in a good mood. But there is maybe a 5% window of her entire life where she’s in a good mood.
The idiocy and backwardness of that entire response, the sheer ignorance for what I actually typed and told her, it’s insane.
I use that word often but today I’m going by the literal definition. I am trying to talk to her, expecting something different out of her even though I know I’m not gonna get it. I was insane to think that maybe THIS time would be different.
Some parents drive people nuts, my mother is an estrogen Molotov cocktail. I’m done with this crap. I may go down for thanksgiving, I haven’t really decided but if I do, and I have to deal with this shit yet again, it’ll be the last time she sees me. I had NO intention of cutting off ties with her and even after this, I still don’t want to, but there’s no reason for me to have to deal with this…whatever the fuck it is.