Yay...I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

So…apparently by sending my mother an email saying basically “We both have our faults, and I’ve apologized enough for mine and am willing to work on keeping our relationship together and making it better, you gotta meet me half way here,” she somehow interpreted that as “I hate you and I don’t ever want to talk to you again.”

So here’s the letter I sent to her-

Dear Mom,

I know we didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms when we last talked but that doesn’t mean I want to end our relationship and stop calling you, not by a longshot. I apologize for what I said, or rather threatened the last time we talked, about how I’d never call you again. I was fairly frustrated and said it purely out of anger, and it wasn’t my intention to let something like that be said.

Regardless of that though, I still want to address a couple of problems. I want to call you and talk to you and have a conversation with you about whatever but it honestly feels like we haven’t had a real, actual conversation in years. It’s either been an argument where we both hate each other for a while afterwards, or a lecture where I kind of just sit their and nod in agreement, say okay, or apologize while you talk, and to be honest I don’t think this is really healthy for either of us.

The reason I have such a hard time talking to you though is because I don’t really feel like I could have an opinion that disagrees with you. I could tell you that I think Casey Anthony is innocent or that 9/11 wasn’t caused by the government and I honestly don’t know if you’d say “That’s your opinion” and let it be or if you’d try and correct me.

The other thing is that while I am aware of how much I hurt you by moving to New York, emotionally and financially, I’m going to say that I’m not going to apologize for it anymore. I think I’ve apologized enough and I know what I did was wrong, but this is my life and for once I’m actually happy with it.

Back in Bloomington, I had suicidal thoughts every now and then. I thought that a 70-80 year lifespan is a joke, where we’re put on this earth long enough to know what we want but we’ll never have enough time to do what we want. I was reclusive, anti-social, hell I even lied to myself and my entire family about being a transgender partly because I didn’t know and partly because I didn’t care.

But since I’ve moved here, I’ve gotten a job (even if it is a crappy fast food job), I’m swimming three or four times a week to lose weight, I’m far more outgoing than before, I’m getting things taken care of in terms of school, medical counseling, insurance, food, money, and everything else in my life. Obviously I’m not rich and I didn’t just win the lottery, but I am doing well for myself.

So anyway, this is going to come out harsh but I think it really needs to be said. I don’t want our next conversation to be another argument, and I don’t want to talk about why I moved to new york and why I did it on such short notice anymore. I’m willing to help salvage our relationship, as I would like to keep it, but I need to be met halfway too. Otherwise, and this is the part where it’s kinda harsh, if it turns into another argument/lecture then I really don’t have a problem just hanging up the phone.

Basically, I gave her an ultimatum. Now, keep in mind, our relationship is so fucked right now that I HAD to tell her I would hang up the phone if we get into another pointless yell-fest argument, so it’s a shitty thing to do I know this but there wasn’t a way around something like that. Not in my mind anyway.

However, the overall message is that I want to salvage and keep our relationship, that I -WANT- to call her and -WANT- to chat with her about who knows what. But I had to stand my ground and tell her that while I have my faults, she isn’t without fault either and even though I appreciate everything she’s given me, I am an adult now and want to be treated like one, not a child.

Here’s the response-

Dear Josh/Jackie,
For 3 days I have tried to figure out a way to answer without making the situation worse. In response to your ultimatum, which I’m sorry but that is exactly what your final request was - an ultimatum. I finally figured out what needed to be said. Combined with the lack of any signature or note of love, I know where I am not wanted and or where I am being considered “toxic”, so you are getting your wish, I am bowing out. As I said at an earlier date, you are going to do what you want anyway, you always have, and always will, just stop blaming me.
Opinions, excluding those of a faith based nature, should be backed up by some sort of evidence, there should be some logic to your reasoning and if you aren’t ready to back it up, then you need to get used to being challenged frequently by others, as that is the way conversation works in the real world. If you are always going to view that as “correcting” from me, then I agree, and I see no way that we can ever have a conversation. Your anger was palpable, (misplaced as it is and was) and showed in the subjects you chose as they were chosen specifically to get a rise out of me, and if I were to ask you to provide your reasoning, well then I’m arguing/correcting, right? If I respond, well, that’s what most people call “conversation” or a “debate”, but to you, I should just “not speak of it”, no matter how inflammatory your statement. Not guilty does NOT mean she’s innocent, but whatever.
As I said, I got your message loud and clear, you get to speak your mind, wreck our car, destroy our home, talk to me like I’m dirt, lie to me, give me the least amount of help around the house that you possibly could in spite of my disabilities and my need for help, and I am supposed to not say anything & treat you like an adult who has earned my respect. Problem is you haven’t “earned” it. You’ve made it clear through out your life that strangers and friends will always get treated better than I will from you and now I’m not allowed to speak freely, but you are, hmmm, nifty how one-sided your solution is, don’t you think?
Adults take responsibility for all of their actions, good and bad. I have always supported you in any endeavor you have had, whether it’s going to school, learning Japanese, or becoming a woman. Whatever makes you happy, and apparently, I make you unhappy, you even hated me at times, (your words, not mine). I have never “hated” you, nor will I, ever. You were/are my gift. But when I point out that you are not behaving responsibly 1) by moving without a job, 2) talking marriage before you are finished with your therapies, both psychiatric and HRT, while being unemployed and on the public dime - well, that’s not the best way to start a life together, but go for it, don’t let me stop you, 3) letting the State of NY pay for everything you need, food, shelter and cash, too. No wonder you’re doing great, I would be to if I were to do the same thing. Doesn’t mean I have to respect you because you were able to fill out forms and get on welfare.
There are still many things that I am VERY PROUD of you for having accomplished and or the desire to do them - graduating high school, attending Ivy Tech and not giving up, learning to drive, getting a loan from the bank and your grandmother and paying them both off. You DO keep trying to get work and you have a strong desire to go out and see the world. All great things. Somehow, though, you think it’s totally ok to NOT be responsible to me, your mother. You lie to me, blame me when I point out the lies, are angry when I try to stop you from doing something that I feel you might regret or you are rushing into things, (like quitting the donut shop, remember that one?) These are not new behaviors, remember, you have lied to me your entire life and as usual, you get angry when I have the nerve to point it out.
So for your birthday, I am giving you what you seem to want, as there is no way I can promise to never voice my opinion, (an unrealistic request from you).
There is no way that I can promise not to question a hasty decision that you are contemplating.
I will not tolerate being told that I only needed you for a “Paycheck”, (which is downright funny, when you think about who paid the bills here) nor will I let you bully me into saying something that I am not ready to say, as you tried to do on our last conversation. I begged for time to collect my thoughts, yes I could have hung up on you, which is what we were forced to finally do.
You THINK I have a problem with Ellie. You THINK I have a problem with your becoming female. You THINK I need YOU for a paycheck, really?
The only thing I had, note HAD, a problem with was you rushing headlong into things without taking time to have all your ducks in a row. I really don’t care what you do as long as you are happy, which you say you are - Great! Far be it from me to be the cause of your misery.
I don’t remember lying to YOU, ever.
I don’t remember stealing from you, ever.
I don’t remember destroying your things, ever.
I have never hated you and never will, in fact, I love you enough to leave you alone.

Happy Birthday
I Love you,

Now, on one hand, she brings up some fair points. And I’ve never not acknowledged this, I’ve always known her to be intelligent and fair WHEN she’s in a good mood. But there is maybe a 5% window of her entire life where she’s in a good mood.

The idiocy and backwardness of that entire response, the sheer ignorance for what I actually typed and told her, it’s insane.

I use that word often but today I’m going by the literal definition. I am trying to talk to her, expecting something different out of her even though I know I’m not gonna get it. I was insane to think that maybe THIS time would be different.

Some parents drive people nuts, my mother is an estrogen Molotov cocktail. I’m done with this crap. I may go down for thanksgiving, I haven’t really decided but if I do, and I have to deal with this shit yet again, it’ll be the last time she sees me. I had NO intention of cutting off ties with her and even after this, I still don’t want to, but there’s no reason for me to have to deal with this…whatever the fuck it is.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Obviously there’s a lot we don’t know (as we’ve no idea what your lives together were actually like), but on the whole, I agree with Kita, sorry.

I’m not denying that you may have been wronged, but I think you might want to consider that in moving towards reconciliation, both parties must compromise and that includes not delivering ultimatums. Additionally, I think it’s really really cold not to sign off a letter.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

While I agree with your sentiments that these two letters alone make me the bad guy, and rightfully so, as you two pointed out, you definitely don’t know the situation.

Elliot and my brother are the only ones who do know of it like I do and trust me when I say it was pure hell.

To put it simply, I was ready to write her off on our last argument but I took a few weeks to gather my thoughts and writer her a letter that was a little more realistic. This letter is me being -generous- and -gracious- to someone like her. Ultimatum or not, I did in fact say I wanted to continue our relationship and not end our weekly chats on the phone, and she acts like I did.

On a side note: This may have been my fault but considering my mother has to read 50 some emails a day with her customers, I wanted to keep this email as brief as possible to not strain her any more than I have to. And so, the note about my having an opinion and her “correcting me” or whatever is very misleading.

To illustrate a conversation between my mother and I about what might actually happen during a conversation entirely opinion based, I’m going to quote/Paraphrase a conversation about an opinion of mine that actually DID take place.

Mom- “so have you decided on who you’re gonna vote for in the primaries? I hope it’s not obama.”
Me- “Actually I was thinking about Obama. Seems like it’s gonna come down to him and McCain and while I don’t have any strong feelings for or against the two, Palin scares the shit out of me so Obama’s slightly better in my eyes.”
Mom- “Honey, you can’t vote for Obama, he’s a muslim.”
Me- “…that’s ridiculous. I’ve been watching the daily show and reading up on this, there’s not really any evidence other than what fox news has said that he’s a muslim…”
Mom- “He IS a muslim because I’ve been reading articles too. You really need to do your research because you’re completely ignorant in this situation. You don’t know what it’d be like to have a muslim in office, did you know that if Obama’s son talked back to him, according to his religion, Obama could stone him to death if he wanted.”
Me- “Obama has two daughters, not a son. And I really doubt that.”
Mom- “It’s true and you’re wrong. If Obama is voted into office, it’d be like voting the devil into office. Would you be willing to do that?”

That is almost verbatim a conversation we had in 2008 about the elections. Nowhere is there a statement that says I disagree or I respect your opinion or anything like that. She yells at me and denies my opinion as valid because in her mind, I’m voting for the devil and that’s wrong.

Two years later, she denies ever saying that Obama is a muslim and actually pins that on me, as if I said Obama is muslim (yeah, the guy who’s been watching the daily show religiously since 2005 when a friend introduced me to it in my sophomore year).

There’s a difference between a debate and an argument. Mom and I don’t debate our opinions, we argue them, and most of the time it’s not even that but rather I state an opinion and then get a lecture.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

So, in a way, this is all Rupert Murdoch’s fault. Man that guy’s a dick.

But seriously, perhaps the answer is to avoid certain things. There are topics, for instance, where I know that my dad and I will simply always disagree because, as much as anything, whether right or wrong, on certain issues of politics, people have purely emotional responses, rather than reasoned ones. The best thing to do is just to avoid getting into it. I know here she brings it up, but if you know some things lead to a row, both of you should be avoiding them a bit.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Problem with that theory is that only certain topics will make her flare up. Pretty much everything I’ve said to her or her husband has said to her in the past two years or so has pissed her off.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Well, sometimes when people stay together for too long they tend to really abrade each other’s nerves. Maybe a period of enforced separation may benefit both of you. Sometimes its a matter of parents failing to realise they have to relinquish that ‘i’m your parent and therefore I always know better than you’ thing - my dad once scolded me for not giving in to him after he lost an argument with me.

Anyway, as a sidenote - with the number of ‘Obama is a MUSLIM from AL QAEDA and will swear upon the QURAN’ sites on the internet then, I can’t really blame non-technologically inclined people (or republicans, hehehehehe j/k) from being deceived from looking at the wrong places. Even my tech-savvy brother (attending a school with a republican-leaning population :P) told me seriously that he hoped Obama wasnt elected cause he was muslim.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

this is way off topic but whats wrong with being a muslim?

Back on topic, man i feel for ya. Reading your letter, and from your posts on this website i could see you were reaching out to her and trying to salvage a relationship. I got that you were saying that you didnt want to argue with her not that you were cutting her off and that she couldnt contradict you. But also i got from her response that she does love you and wants you to be happy. Unfortunately what would make you happy got lost in translation.

I really feel for you, me and my mom dont have to best relationship. She really knows how to get under my skin, like when i was 16 she told me i would be cut off from the family (emotionally, not financially, were poorish so i was financialy responsible for myself then) if i were gay. now i may have well been /be gay so that really messed me up. And about three weeks ago i got out of hospital for being treated for redicusly high blood pressure for a guy my age and she rings me up and first argues the hell with me, like about three hours after i get out of hospital, about how i was going to be treated. And then the next day she rings me and pranks me saying that my aunt wanted me to mind my godson for a few weeks. And she knows full well that i wouldnt be able to do that and that i feel like crap because i cant see my godson as often as i want to. so yeah moms ey

Basicly the only bit of advice i can offer to you is this, let things cool down. When i fight with my mom if i dont speak to her for a few weeks things get better. and then i only talk to her for a bit and slowly work up to longer conversations. it works for me, dont know it might help.

Oh and sorry for thread jacking there but wanted to show that i have an idea where your coming from

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

The wars the US is/was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are against Al Quada and the Taliban, which are made up of Muslims. The attacks on the World Trade Center in NY and the Pentagon were perpetrated by Al Quada.

Some people in the US really hate all Muslims because of the 9/11 attacks.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

He went to that crazy Jeremiah Write church. It is purportedly a Christian church. They don’t teach the Bible there though.

A bunch of things wrong with this. The Daily Show is comedy, not news. Fox News never reported that Obama was a Muslim. O’rielly said Obama was born in Hawaii and went to that crazy Reverend Wright church.

Quantitative Easing actually is demonic. Obama reappointed Ben Bernake…well watch the video: Quantitative Easing Explained - YouTube

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Are we really going to derail this thread into a debate as to whether Obama is a muslim or not or whether the daily show is news or not? Seriously, I’m looking for advice and support in how to deal with my mother, not talk politics. That was merely an example of an argument we had.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Fine. I just jumped on the two issues of being uninformed that I saw there: your mother for believing Obama is a Muslim and you for believing that the Daily Show is news. I only did that because comments like those are easier than giving advice. So here is some advice: perhaps you shouldn’t talk about politics with your mother since you disagree. I am pretty sure you don’t see eye to eye on religion either, another topic to avoid. I don’t know what areas are safe because I don’t know your mother. I did give you practical advice on how to fix your ceiling earlier back before you moved in with Elliot so your mother would be happy and you said it was too hard. Relationships take hard work and compromise.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Agree with writeandleft. Relationships are commitments, more than mere emotions. Sometimes, if you can’t agree, you may have to agree to disagree and leave the topic alone thereafter.

If i might quote from the bible - It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights. (proverbs 20:3 MSG)

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Agree with writeandleft. Relationships are commitments, more than mere emotions. Sometimes, if you can’t agree, you may have to agree to disagree and leave the topic alone thereafter.

I really do wish it were that simple. I’ve never been able to walk away from an argument without that act of walking away making it ten times worse (I’ve done it before and it immediately made her think I’m not listening to her on purpose).

If i might quote from the bible - It’s a mark of good character to avert quarrels, but fools love to pick fights. (proverbs 20:3 MSG)

This I kinda disagree with. Sophistry is one of my favorite hobbies, and I don’t find anything wrong with debate (it can actually be quite healthy and lead to progress in some cases). However, picking a fight, if we’re speaking more literally about that as opposed to encompassing a more figurative term like argument, then yes I agree, and I’m almost never the one that picks the fight.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Not this time Kita. This time, she’s walking away.

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

Actually, I rather get the impression she’s testing you, but….

Re: Yay…I somehow cut off all ties with my mother permanently.

If that’s the case, considering my original email, it should be clear that I’m not playing games.