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This is the first story I’ve written since high school, so I’m a little rusty. I’m hoping to get some constructive feedback so that I know what I’m doing right and what I need to work on. I know it’s probably not much to work with at this point in time, but I should have more to post over the next few days.

So without further adu, please enjoy.


~I spent all night rewriting this to make it better, so hopefully I’ve fixed at least some of the problems with this story. It can only go up from here (I hope) and I thank you again for the pointers WingZ~

I think I know what I’m doing wrong, and in the past few days, I’ve realized that writing in first person is a lot harder for me than it should be. lol. I’ll scrap this and try again

The Escape

Life is more complicated than it seems sometimes. Most of the time.
I licked my lips and tucked a strand of my strawberry blonde hair behind my ear before I glanced around nervously and darted down another dark, empty alley way.

A quiet explicitive slipped through my lips as I realized it was another dead end, just like the last three had been.

I sent up a silent prayer to any gods that might be listening, cursing once more when the sound of thunder shook the ground and a flash of lightning lit the otherwise dark sky.

I shivered as the first few drops of water hit my head, then looked down into a pocket on my waist, making sure the package was still secure.

Even over the thunder I could hear the sound of the dogs coming closer, howling and snarling, as I frantically searched for another way out of the alley, wishing, not for the first time, that I knew what city I’d been taken to, or at least had some idea of where I was going. For now, my only thought was to escape the dogs (and their masters).

On the left was a building that looked like either a decent sized house or maybe even a small inn. There was a tall fence going across the back of the alley and another tall building to my right. There were no windows or doors facing the alleyway in either building and the top of the fence was well out of my reach.

I looked back at the entrance of the alley, knowing that the dogs were nearly upon me, scared that if they found me, I’d have to go back. I rubbed a grimy hand across my eyes, wiping away the tears of desperation that had mingled with the rain, now falling heavily from the dark clouds above.

It was then that I heard a scraping noise somewhere to my right and drew in a shuddering breath. A few seconds ticked by and I heard the sound again, the time closer. I tried to wrap myself in a shroud of fog, fumbling for the words to the incantation.

I felt a little more secure in my self-imposed fog until I felt something brush against my ankle. I jumped and barely managed to hold back a scream, then I blinked a few times, only to realize that a pair of glowing, yellow eyes stared back at me.

I bit my lip hard to once again keep from screaming, knowing that this was not one of the red-eyed dogs looking for me.

The glowing-eyed creature took a few cautious steps closer
and I was able to tell that its body seemed to be made up of fog or smoke, knowing that this wasn’t part of my spell.

I stepped back, felling the rough surface of the fence through my torn and tattered robe. Knowing that I had no where left to go, I looked into the creatures eyes and recognized intelligence and understanding.

I heard a soft purr rumble through its chest. It was then that I realized what this beast was and knew I could trust it. I held my hand out to the creature, watching it take shape as it stepped closer. It finally materialized into a cat-shaped mist that I’d only heard about in legends.

The cat watched me carefully before I heard its soft, feminine voice in my head. “Come. We must leave now.”

She turned and lead me towards the building on the right, taking me deeper into the shadows until she stopped in the deepest part.

I nearly ran into her and half a breath later, I felt the world drop from under my feet and almost stopped breathing when my stomach stayed with the rest of the world.

Almost thirty seconds later, I stumbled as I felt the ground solidify beneath my feet. I took a moment to look around, feeling somewhat disoriented and realizing that I was no longer standing in the alley, surrounded by fog and being pelted with heavy raindrops.

I took a deep breath and tried to think. I knew that since I was no longer in the alley, it would take a while for the blood hounds to pick up my scent again.

I looked in my pocket, making sure that the package was still there. Satisfied that it was, I began to look around for the cat.

I seemed to be standing in a field of dirt and mud, with sparse patches of dried grass scattered about.

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Couple of things:

First, you don’t create enough context here. We have no idea who the narrator is or where s/he is coming from in terms of motivation. If we don’t know, we have no reason to care. The backstory doesn’t need to be handed to us all at once, but we do need something more to go on.

The physical geography is quite hazy as well, particularly after the telaportation (or whatever it is) occurs. What kind of place do they end up in?

Also, the location of the package inexplicably changes. At first mention, it’s in the narrator’s pocket. But later, it’s on his/her belt.

Next, the dialogue seemed uninspiring and predictable. It’s boilerplate stuff, the kind of thing you’d expect an ally character to say in a video game. Maybe try giving the shadow-cat more purr-sonality?

While I thought the style was overwrought, you do seem to have a good eye for texture and detail. “Cat-shaped mist” sticks out as a satisfyingly strange image.

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Thank you for your input. I like my ideas for the story, but after hearing the input of a couple different people, I think I’m going to reread it and try to put in more detail where it needs to be. maybe add some more about what she’s thinking and give the readers a reason to care.