“Who am I? Where am I? How am I living? How am I surviving?”
I ask myself those questions every day. Some days I feel like I have an answer to that question but other days it’s not so certain.
Life drags you in many different directions. So many in fact that it can almost seem impossible to come to terms with who you are inside.
I’ve never been one for being outside. Most of my days I spend my time looking at the many books my family owns.
As far as my specifics go, let’s just say I look like a 5 year old even though I’m 17. I’ve never hit puberty, and in all honesty if I were to put on the right clothes I’d look even younger.
Why am I like this you may wonder? Well long story short I have a condition that made it so I stopped growing at six years old. The doctors said I would have to take growth hormones if I ever wanted to be a normal height and I did take them for about a month before realizing I was allergic to the medication so I had to stop taking them. Sometimes I wish I could just start over. I’ve had to be homeschooled most of my years because I was too small to function in a normal school for someone my age. I’m in my final year of school so it’s not that bad.
Where there’s fire there’s tragedy and tragedy struck my family hard last week. My parents died in a house fire. With both my parents being firefighters I had no mean for caution when they went out on call that night. It wasn’t until the next morning that I figured out what happened. Being an only child and 17 as small as I am, nobody would believe my real age without a DNA test.
Being that I was their foster child I had no rights to any of their money and or possessions.
I was left with no other option than to pack my stuff and leave home. In my area once you pass the age of 16, you no longer get roped in by social services. I have my ID with me so I don’t have any problems with people thinking I’m 5.
Good thing it was summer when all of this occurred or I would be freezing on the streets.
I also have a secret that I kept from my parents for reasons I won’t get into now. As I never went through puberty my voice never changed. My voice still has somewhat of a lisp in it making it even more confusing for anyone that tries to talk with me.
My life is in peril at this moment in time. Where I will end up I don’t know but I hope that I can find somewhere safe.
“I guess that ends that entry.”
“I guess it’s time that I move on from this place. I don’t want any trouble.”
I pack up what belongings I do have and start walking along the long and narrow road that I’ve been on for the past 4 days. As I’m walking I get the feeling I’m being followed.
Upon having this feeling I duck into the woods and continue on my way.
About a mile down the road I come to an intersection that leads out of town. What I wasn’t expecting was an entourage of cops sitting in their cars alongside the road. While they had their backs turned to me I ran across the road into the other woods and go pretty deep in before going back in the direction I was heading.
As I continued on I realize that my life really has been unusual.
Being homeschooled, I never got any real socialization. I was always so isolated because of my short stature. My parents were both of average height, so why am I the one gifted with the small size.
I never had any friends growing up. We lived in a neighborhood where I was the only kid for the most part. It was more of a area for older people. When we moved in originally I remember one of the neighbors commenting that we were the youngest family in the neighborhood.
Over the years people came and went, but we always stayed through everything.
My parents did everything for me now that I think of it. I had the dream life taken from me too soon.
As i’m walking along the road I look around at all the scenery and wildlife that are in the area. I see an abundance of deer and small animals. I can also see all the beautiful flowers in the trees as well as the bright blue sky that hangs above my head.
I continue down the road that I am traveling on and notice that there was an abandoned camp site that I could use for a point of stoppage for the day.
Reaching the campsite I look around and see that things had not been touched in weeks. Whoever set this campsite up must have had something happen to them. I set my stuff up and light a fire to keep warm for the night.
I lay my weary head on the earth and fall asleep almost instantly.
End of Chapter 1
Sometime in the middle of the night I was awoken by the sounds of people walking towards my position. Thinking nothing of it I lay my head down and fall asleep only to be awoken by someone shaking my body.
I look up only to see two police officers standing above me.
Before I could say a word one of the officers says, “Awfully young to be out in the woods alone don’t ya think?”
“I’m older than I look. If you don’t believe me i’ll show you my ID.”
“Humor me with your ID i’m curious of your real age.”
Upon hearing this I get out my ID and hand it to the officer.
He looks it over then looks back at me and says “ I never would’ve guessed you were 17.”
“Most people wouldn’t i’m afraid.”
“I see you’re a decent distance from home, why the departure?”
“ If you must know, my parents both died and I had nowhere to go. Seeing as i’m over 16 social services wouldn’t do anything. So now i’m just out on the road hoping to find somewhere to go.”
“You have no living family?”
“None that I know of. I’ve never met any family of mine.”
“At first glance I thought you were 6 years old. Now I realize that you’re older but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stay out here alone with your size.”
“I understand, you have to take me in and put me in the system. I knew this eventually would happen but not so soon.”
“Would you like to pack your things up and come home with me tonight? This was my last call for tonight so I can just drive my partner and the squad car back to the station and take you home with me.”
“You don’t have to do that sir. I don’t deserve the hospitality.”
“Don’t think of it as hospitality, think of it as someone trying to help you out for a change.”
I thought about it for a moment then realized that he’s just being friendly and wants to help me out.
“O-kay, i’ll c-c-ome with you, but i’m not too comfortable with this.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to be with what you’ve been through.”
The officers help me pick up my things and put them in the back of their squad car.
I pick up my diary and upon getting settled in the back seat I start writing again.
“ Interesting turn of events today. I walked for a good 20 miles today before lying down for the night. I had fallen asleep for about half an hour when I heard footsteps. Thinking it was just wildlife I went back to sleep. About 5 minutes later I am shook awake by some police officers. Apparently someone saw me walking and called the cops. They thought I was much younger than I actually was. After showing them my ID they loosened up a bit.”
“They asked me a few questions and afterwards one of them offered me a place to stay. I was reluctant at first but he assured me that nothing bad would happen. Right now i’m in the back of the officer’s squad car driving back to the station to drop his partner and the car off.”
“Growing up I was always scared of police officers. For what reason I don’t really know. I will say this though, not all officers are bad people. This officer was kind enough to allow me into his home for the night.”
“Looking back on my short little escapade, I realize that I took my former life for granted. I had everything given to me and I was selfish about it. I’m not going to be that way anymore. I’m going to change my ways. I’m really nervous about what’ll happen with school though. Will I be forced to go to an actual school and live an absolute nightmare for my final year? Will my future family allow me to finish what I started at home?”
“There’s so many unanswered questions that i’m not sure what to which the answers may be.
As I write this, my size makes me wonder. Could I have a do-over in life? If I were to throw away my former life, would I be able to be the little kid I actually look like? No i’m not going to do that. That just can’t happen.
I may look like I’m 5 years old but, I really am not. Just because I’m small doesn’t mean I can’t be my true self right? Sure because of my size the clothes will make me look younger but does that really matter?
Who am I? Am I really who my parents raised me up to be? Or am I actually something that is hiding inside me?
My emotions are in shambles. “
As I finished that sentence we arrived at the station.
The officer gets out and opens my door. I’m still hesitant about this but I reluctantly get out of the car.
The officer walks me over to his car and buckles me into a car seat. I didn’t argue, because of my size I’ve always had to sit in one.
He then proceeds to get in the driver’s seat and drives to his house.
“Are you hungry at all?”
“Would you like something to eat?”
“Anything you’d like in particular?”
“ I’ll eat pretty much anything sir.”
“Does Five Guys sound good to you?”
The man takes me to a local Five Guys and orders his food and then asks me what I wanted.
“ A Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with a regular Fry.”
We wait for our food and when it arrives we sit down at a table in the restaurant.
“So Oliver, if I were to offer you a part in my family would you take it?”
“You really wouldn’t want me, I have issues internally because of my size and some emotional issues too.”
The man grabs my hands and says “I can help you through all this Oliver. Just let me help you.”
I look at him almost teary eyed.
I say quietly “Why are you trying to help me? I don’t deserve it.”
“Look at me Oliver.”
I look at him and he says “Because I’ve been in your position”
“I can also see a little butterfly trying to come out. I’d really like to see that butterfly Oliver.”
“Oliver, just for curiosity’s sake. How smart were you in school?”
“I might as well have been in Kindergarten because I’m not smart at all.”
“Oliver, I really think you need another go at childhood. I have a daughter who’s about your size and is going into kindergarten in September. If you want I can help you become who you really are inside.”
“Thanks for the offer sir but I’m gonna have to pass on it.”
“Oliver, i’m giving you a chance to start over. You’ll have a family that’ll care for you through everything.”
“I can’t do it sir i’m sorry, i’d be letting people down if I did that.”
“Oliver, here’s a word of advice. Don’t let others get in the way of you being happy.”
Upon hearing that I came to the realization that I’ll never be who I am inside without help.
My pride is still getting the better of me and I say “I’m sorry but I’m not ready to embrace that side of me.”
“Maybe a talk with my daughter will help you realize that you are ready.”
I look at him funny wondering what he meant by that.
By that point we had finished eating and we got back into the car and headed to his house.
I had fallen asleep in the car and woke to being carried into the house.
When I woke up I saw a lady and got a bit scared and hid my head in the shoulder of the person carrying me.
“Well isn’t he cute.”
“Yea well there’s more to him than what meets the eyes.”
“She’s in her room playing with her dolls.”
“I’m going to take him in by her and hope she can get him to open up.”
The lady nods and the person carrying me carries me up a flight of stairs and into a room with a little girl sitting in it playing with dolls.
She looks up and says “DADDY!”
“Hey sweetheart how are you?”
“Good, just playing.”
The man sets me down on the floor and goes over to the girl and whispers something to her. The girl nods and the man walks away.
The girl looks me up and down and says “So Oliver, does it bother you to be in here with me?”
I look at her almost as if I wanted to cry and she comes over and sits next to me and says “Why the tears Oliver?”
I looked around the room and it was what I always dreamed my room looking like as a girl.
“You like this room don’t you Oliver.”
I nod then just start crying. She hugs me and puts my head on her shoulder.
“Someone has a butterfly that wants to come out but they’re not letting it come.”
I finish crying and she says “Oliver.”
I look at her and she says “Can I see that butterfly of yours?”
I whisper “i’m not ready to embrace it.”
She then says to me “I think you’d be a real princess if dressed right.”
“You’re just saying that now.”
“I mean it Oliver. You really could be a princess if you dressed right”
“How would you know? You’ve been a girl all your life.”
“Oliver, that may be true but, I don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
“It’s not worth it, i’m sorry.”
She looks at me and says “Oliver, I just want to know one thing. Why won’t you embrace who you are?”
“Because of pride.”
“Oliver I need you to trust me with something.”
I look at her funny and I say “Okay, I trust you but why are you being so kind to me. I’m not normal!”
She looks at me in my eyes and says “If you let me help you now it’ll be better later on.”
“I still don’t believe I can look proper as a girl.”
“I think I can change that.”
With that she goes into her dresser and pulls out a pair of pink panties with a disney princess on them.
I’m looking at her thinking that maybe she’s right.
She walks over to me and hands me the panties.
“Try them on, they should fit you.”
I turn to walk out and go change in the bathroom when she says “If it makes you more comfortable I’ll leave the room so you can start changing.
I nod and she leaves the room shutting the door behind her.
Eating up the last of what pride I still had left I undressed and started putting the panties on. By the time I got them up I was shaking with fear.
I look at myself in the mirror and think to myself “Is this really who I am?”
I tell Sophia that i’m ready and she can come back in.
She comes back in looks at me and says “You look cute.”
I blush and turn away.
She comes up behind me and puts her arm around me.
“Time for us to both get ready for bed don’t you think.?”
I nod not wanting to delay what was going to happen.
She goes over to her dresser and pulls out two nightgowns.
She sets one on her bed then hands one to me.
I look at her with a happy look on my face. I’m starting to like this.
I watch her put on her nightgown and almost instinctively I put the one I was given on. I then proceed to look in the mirror. What I saw was not what I was expecting.
Sophia comes up next to me, puts her arm around me and says “Do you believe me now?”
“I believe you now.”
I turn to her and hug her.
“Can I call you Olivia for tonight? It seems right in this moment.”
I look at her and just nod not knowing what to think.
“Sophia, don’t take this the wrong way but even as a boy I was always into girly things. I loved all the princess stuff and had always dreamed about dressing up as one.”
“Olivia, I really never saw a boy in you. You screamed girl to me.”
“That really means a lot Sophia, I’m sorry I was so stubborn before.”
“Olivia, you had every right to be that way.”
“Yea well I feel guilty now for that.”
Sophia sits me down and says “Don’t be Olivia. You didn’t know what was going to happen.”
After that I start crying a bit and Sophia just hugs me and rubs my back trying to calm me down.
“Olivia, it’s ok now. You’re going to be fine now. Just calm down.”
I start calming down after she says that.
Sophia looks at me wipes my tears and says “Let go of what happened before now. You’re a different kid now.”
“Sophia, I could get used to having you as a sister.”
“Does that mean you’re going to be family now?”
“I hope to be yes. It all depends on what your dad does.”
“Sophia, I don’t know if your dad said this to you but i’m much older than I look. Your dad was trying to convince me to treat me being with you guys as a new beginning. He wants me to try being a kid your age but I really don’t think I could do it.”
Sophia looks at me and says “Who wouldn’t want a second chance at life?”
“I don’t want it. I’ll always be this small and nothing can change that.”
“Olivia, tell me something. Why are you so scared about this?”
I look away and she says “Don’t be afraid to change Olivia.”
“I’ll never truely be who I want to be inside. Even with the clothes I still feel out of place Sophia. I’m a girl at heart but my soul isn’t taking this well.”
“Olivia, I may be young but I know that there are things for people like you.”
“How would you know anything about what I’m going through?”
“That’s not important right now but just let my family help you. It’ll be ok over time. Trust me.”
“Sophia, I don’t think you understand. I’m too old to get away with doing something like this. It just doesn’t seem right.”
“Olivia, at first glance I thought you were my age maybe a little older. I realize that you’re way older than me. That does not mean we can’t be friends.”
“I don’t have an issue being friends Sophia, it just seems weird having your only friend being a five year old when you’re 17.”
She then proceeds to hold my hands with hers.
“Be yourself Olivia, don’t hide this inside you.”
“I really don’t think I can come to terms with this Sophia.”
“Olivia, you can you just need to believe in who you are.”
‘This is a lot to take in right now Sophia.”
“I’m here for you Olivia. Whether you choose to stay older or embrace the little kid in you, i’ll be beside you for all of it.”
Sophia stands me up, turns me towards the mirror and asks me “What do you see Olivia?”
I look at myself and stay silent for a few minutes before saying “A little girl.”
“Olivia, you’re a little kid at heart. You just need some love from people who care for you.”
“I can’t believe i’m saying this but you’re right.”
Sophia hugs me tightly and we just stand there for a few minutes.
In the midst of the hug there’s a knock on the door.
It’s Sophia’s mom and she walks in saying “Should I come back in a few minutes? It looks like you two are having a special moment here.”
Sophia let’s go of me and says “We’re done here mommy, Someone just needed a hug.”
“I see you two are also ready for bed.”
“Yes we are mommy, is it time for bed yet?”
“You still have a little bit before bedtime but I want to speak to our guest here for a minute.”
I nod and follow her out of the room and into a room with lots of books and a rocking chair.
Sophia’s mom sits in the chair and motions for me to sit in her lap.
I’m a bit hesitant at first but go along with it not wanting any trouble.
Sophia’s mother lays me in her arms as if I were a baby and says “I’m glad we found you when we did Ollie.”
I heard that nickname and was about to say something when Sophia’s mom says “You’re smaller than I ever imagined Ollie. I knew you were on the small side but I never thought you’d be this small.”
I look up at her and was about to speak when Sophia’s mother put a finger on my lips hinting I stay quiet.
“Your mom and I were close when we were kids. When I heard she had died in the fire I was devastated. I lost the one person who truly cared for me when I was in need. My sister and I were close for years until she had you then she just went off the grid so to speak.”
I look up at her and am taking this all in. I think to myself “This person is my aunt?”
I was going to speak when she said “When I heard that you were missing I got very worried. I never imagined that your uncle would find you while he was working. Before your mother had you she told me that if she were to die in the line of duty at any time I would be the one to get you.”
I look at her astonished. I really didn’t know what to say at this point.
“I know this is a lot to take in right now, but things will get better I promise you.”
I start to tear up, after all these years I finally feel happy.
“Let it all out honey it’s ok.”
I cried for about 20 minutes before finally calming down.
I nod then ask “I never expected to end up with family, I know uncle found me but I still don’t know how I was found, who saw me and led uncle to me?”
“Your grandma is the one who saw you honey. She was driving home from your house when she saw you walking. She didn’t know it was you but she called your uncle to tell him that a young kid was walking out in the woods alone.”
“Enough about that though, we have more pressing issues at hand.”
I look at her confused and she says “ There’s a reason you stopped growing as young as you did and there’s only one way to fix it and I don’t think you’re going to like it.”
I still am confused so she continues “You need an operation that stimulates your body into producing the hormones that make you grow. There is a downside to this however, all knowledge gained past the age you stopped growing will be gone. “
Still not quite understanding what she’s saying she says this “ Basically you’re going to have to relive your childhood so that you can grow to a proper height.”
“There’s also one more thing I need to tell you and it involves why you feel like you’re a girl.”
I look up at her with a curious look on my face and she says “You were born intersexed but your parents wanted to wait until you were bigger to do surgery. Seeing how your body stopped producing hormones at a young age, your sex organs never were able to properly function hence why you never went into puberty.”
“What this means is you’re in for a long journey. Your hair is pretty long as it is so you won’t have a problem as a girl when you end up turning back the clock.”
“We’re officially your guardians as of today, your mother had it written that we were supposed to get you if she passed and that was finalized today. We just weren’t sure when we were going to find you.”
I had an astonished look on my face and I end up saying “So I really am a girl?”
My aunt nods her head and says “We’re here to help you honey, we love you dearly. By the way you look so cute in that nightgown. It looks like it was meant to be.”
“Truthfully, I’ve always been a girly girl at heart. I just was afraid to show that side of me.”
“ You don’t have to be afraid anymore. You need to be yourself and if that means your a girly girl then that’s fine by me.”
“I don’t know what to say right now, I get to be the girl that I was meant to be.”
“Tomorrow, me, you and Sophia are going shopping, don’t be afraid to ask for things you want.”
I nod and say “Thank You.”
“You don’t have to thank me honey, i’m just doing what’s right.”
“Since i’m going to be a girl now, am I allowed to think of myself as Olivia?”
“You already have a name for yourself, by all means think of yourself that way. It’ll be better in the future.”
I nod and get up and head back in by Sophia who is setting up a bed for us on the floor. She sees me and says “So you’re my sister now i’ve been told.”
“I guess I am.”
“I’m sorry about the stuff you have to go through but it’ll be fine eventually.”
I nod and get under the blankets that Sophia has laid out for us on the floor.
“I love you.”
“I love you too Olivia.”
With that we cuddle together underneath the blankets and fall asleep.
End of chapter 2
Not long after the two kids went to bed the parents were in their bedroom talking about Olivia.
“Olivia took that as well as she could have so that’s a good sign I think.”
“I still don’t believe that we found her this way.”
“I never expected to find her in that manner either hon.”
“So you guys are going shopping tomorrow right?”
“Yes we are. I hope that Olivia will take to this ok. I’m afraid of what is going to occur tomorrow.”
“No matter what happens tomorrow hon she’ll still be our little girl.”
Both parents proceed to turn their lights off and fall asleep.
At 6:30 am Sophia wakes up but Olivia is still asleep. Not wanting to disturb the sleeping Olivia she carefully gets out from the covers and goes into the bathroom to do her business.
Upon returning to her room Sophia starts to get dressed.
Olivia wakes up upon hearing Sophia getting dressed.
Olivia scared Sophia when she said that and Sophia turns around and says “Morning Olivia, you scared me there.”
“Sorry.” Olivia looks down and frowns.
Sophia sees this and says “Cheer up Olivia, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You saying what you did reminded me of my daddy.”
“I don’t know what to say right now. Are you excited for our shopping trip today Olivia.”
“I’m having mixed feelings about that right now Sophia.”
“Do you want to get dressed now Olivia?”
Olivia just nods and stands up and Sophia goes through her dresser picking out clothes for the both of them.
When she finished Olivia was awestruck at what Sophia had picked out.
Sophia sees Olivia’s face and asks “You ok Olivia?”
Olivia snaps out of her trance and says “Sorry I was just admiring what you picked out.”
“Shall we get dressed Sophia?”
“Let’s do it Olivia.
By the time we were dressed I looked at myself in the mirror and was beaming with joy at how I looked.
“You look very cute Olivia.”
“You look cute too Sophia.”
“When mommy gets up we can get her to do our hair.”
“I’d really like that Sophia.”
After that we proceeded to play with dolls.
“This is a bit Awkward isn’t it?”
“This is your first time huh?”
“I guess so.”
“Just watch me for a bit until you feel ready ok?”
I nod and sit there watching her play with the dolls for a few minutes before picking one up and looking at it.
“You have very pretty dolls Sophia.”
“Thank you, I hope you get into these too.”
“We’ll see Sophia, I’m not sure if I’m a doll girl yet.”
“I understand. Not all girls are into dolls.”
In her room mom can faintly hear the two kids talking and decides to start getting up so they can go shopping.
She takes a shower then goes into Sophia’s room and says “Good morning you two.”
Sophia says “Good morning mommy.”
I just wave at her not really feeling it at this point.
My aunt kneels down and whispers “You don’t have to be afraid of me Olivia. I won’t hurt you.”
“I see you both are dressed, would you like me to do your hair for you?”
I sit there motionless not knowing what to say but Sophia comes to my rescue and says “Can I have pigtails mommy?”
“You sure can sweetheart. What about you Olivia?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I’ve never really done anything with my hair other than brushing it out.”
“Would you like to see me do Sophia’s hair first then you can decide if you like it?”
I nod and my aunt leads us both into the bathroom where she gets out some hair ties and some ribbon.
I watch as my aunt puts Sophia’s hair up in pigtails and tied some ribbon onto her hair.
I look at Sophia after the fact and see how cute she looks and I guess it showed on my face because Sophia ends up saying “You like it Olivia, I can tell by how you’re looking at me now.”
“You got me.”
Both my aunt and Sophia laugh and that upset me so I just walked out and back into Sophia’s room and cried.
Not long after both my aunt and Sophia are by my side trying to console me but I wasn’t having it. I cried for so long that I fell asleep in the process.
I slept for a few minutes before I was picked up and brought into the bathroom.
“We’re sorry we laughed Olivia, I didn’t expect you to react that way.”
“I surprised myself by doing that.” I mumbled
“Are you okay with me doing your hair like I did Sophia’s?”
I nod and my aunt starts fussing with my hair and when she’s done she picks me up and brings me over to a mirror.
I froze when I saw myself.
“Is that really me?”
“That really is you sweetheart.”
I turn around and give my aunt a hug.
“I’m sorry for earlier.”
“No need to be sorry sweetheart.”
“What now though?”
“Breakfast is next and I had planned on going out for food with some parents of Sophia’s friends.”
“That’s ok with me but i’m not talking to anyone but you.”
“Olivia, it might do you some good to talk with kids you know.”
“Kids have always been mean to me though.”
“Olivia, I wouldn’t have said that if I didn’t know that her friends weren’t nice.”
“I’ll try but i’m not making any promises.”
“Auntie, Sophia is the outgoing one but I’m not that way, I’m the shy one and I don’t think that’ll ever change.”
“That’s fine sweetie, some kids are just shy in general.”
After that we grab Sophia from her room and head outside to get in the car.
Once my aunt opened the door I froze. There were 2 carseats in there.
I snap out of it shortly thereafter and get in one of the two carseats.
Auntie buckles us both in and gets in the driver’s seat and we head on our way.
Along the way to our destination I look at my surroundings and notice how everything seems so big compared to where I used to live.
I look over at Sophia who had fallen asleep at this point and I figure I might as well do the same so I rest my weary head on the side of the carseat and fall asleep.
When I was awoken by my aunt unbuckling my seat I noticed the flock of girls standing by the front door to the restaurant including Sophia and as my Aunt let me down from the car I felt out of place. I stuck near my aunt for the most part and didn’t hear anything until one of the parents said “Who is this little one with you today Kelly?”
I knew she was talking about me but I didn’t say anything.
My aunt says “This is my niece Olivia, she’s a bit shy so she might not talk with the rest of the girls.”
“Is this the one you guys got custody for?”
“Yes it is but don’t say anything to the girls I don’t want anything to happen.”
I walk next to my aunt trying to go unnoticed by the flock of girls and I did for the most part and we got to our table where we got our drinks and looked at the menu.
I just ordered Eggs and Bacon with Hash browns.
While we waited for our food I listen in on the girls conversation.
Sophia says to her friends
“Don’t expect her to open up right away, she’s very shy.”
Her friend Haley says “Would she be open to going to dance class tonight?”
“You’d have to ask her Haley, I really don’t think she’d want to do it so soon after coming here though.”
Her other friend Kinzie says “I hope you can convince her to come to the sleepover Sophia, I’d really like to get to know her.”
“I’ve barely gotten to know her myself Kinzie, I don’t want to pressure her into something so soon. I just got her to talk with me at home last night.”
As I’m sitting there listening to their conversation, I wonder if I’d actually be able to do such things if they actually knew my full story.
Before I can answer that question the food arrives.
The table is silent while everyone is eating but it gives me time to think.
Sophia looks over at Olivia and sees her in deep thought.
“What is she thinking about?” Sophia ponders
My mind is in shambles but I try my best not to show it. I keep thinking about what my future entails and it makes me wish I had been normal from the start.
Do I have the surgery and be able to grow up normal? Or do I forever live in this body and never get any taller?
Then there’s the point of me being intersexed. Am I actually a girl? Or am I really a boy that just feels like one? Do I actually want to be a girl?
To be honest it makes sense for me to have the surgery to make me grow. But do I really want to relearn everything? I’d also be going to normal school for the first time. Would I be able to handle it?
So much is going through my head right now. I know Sophia talked me into trying to be a girl, but is this what I really am?
I look the part as a girl, but should I even like this? I feel better as a girl than I ever did before. Maybe Sophia was right. I did have a butterfly hiding inside me.
Most of Sophia’s friends had finished eating by this point and had started whispering to each other.
I finished my food then just sat there not knowing what to do. I saw Sophia and her friends whispering to one another and just wondered how it would feel to be apart of their group.
Growing up originally, one of my favorite things to watch people do was Ballet.
The way they moved about and all the pretty things they wore made me picture myself as one of them.
I knew I could never do it though. I have problems just talking to people face to face. Dancing in front of a crowd was never in the realm of possibility for me. Just being in a booth with all these girls is scaring me. Dancing with them would make my anxiety go sky high.
My parents took me to doctor’s over the years to see if I had any signs of an anxiety disorder and every single one of them said I didn’t.
Going back to school after the surgery is scaring me the most however. Just picturing myself in a group of five and six year olds is making me cringe a bit. It’ll all make sense eventually I guess but, why couldn’t I just be normal to begin with?
Going back to the doctor’s though, all of them did agree that I had the emotions of a five to six year old.
To be fair though Sophia’s friends seem nice and they aren’t teasing me like every other kid has done over the years.
Sophia scoots over next to me and whispers “Are you ok Olivia?”
I look at her with a bit of fear in my eyes and whisper “I really don’t know.”
“What’s the matter?”
“I’m just unsure of myself being around your group of friends. It seems odd to me.”
“Kinzie really wants to get to know you Olivia, she’s just like you.”
“I wouldn’t have said so if I wasn’t.”
I’m looking at Kinzie not knowing what to think.
Kinzie sees me looking at her and says to me “You’re not alone Olivia. I’d really like to get to know you.”
“I really don’t know how I feel about this……”
Kinzie scoots over next to Sophia and I and puts her hand in mine.
“Olivia, everything will be ok. You just have to let it all go.”
“She’s right Olivia, you need to let it go.”
I take a deep breath and look into Kinzie’s eyes with tears starting to flow.
Both Sophia and Kinzie have an arm around me showing me that they really do care.
“I really don’t know what to say right now.”
“Olivia, I know what you’re going through. I have my problems too. We all want to help you.”
The tears are still flowing but now rather then them being sad they’re tears of joy.
“Nobody ever cared about me previously.”
“We can tell Olivia. You have people who love you now. You have friends now.”
Haley is watching this all going on and doesn’t know what to say.
Kinzie looks over to Haley and motions for her to come over by the rest of them.
Haley whispers to Kinzie “Is she ok?”
“She’s just having a bad day Haley.”
The parents are watching this all occur and are happy that Olivia is taking this so well.
The Waiter brings the bill and the adults split the bill before getting the kids ready to leave.
As they’re leaving Haley wraps her arm around Olivia and says “It’s going to be ok, just think happy.”
After that Olivia and Sophia get put into their carseats and head off to go shopping.”
Once they get to the store Sophia says “Are you ready Olivia?”
I look at her and nod before my aunt unbuckles us both.
My aunt grabs our hands and takes us into the store.
“Stay by me you two ok?”
Sophia and I both nod and we head over to the girls section.
Upon getting there I see something I’ve dreamt of wearing but could never justify asking for it.
I feel it with my hand and my aunt comes up behind me and says “Do you want to try it on Olivia?”
She scared me a bit and I didn’t know what to do at that point.
“Take some deep breaths Olivia calm down.”
Sophia comes over and hugs me not saying a word.
I calm down and say “I can’t get something I wouldn’t wear Auntie.”
“Would you at least try it on for me sweetheart?”
I nod and she picks the outfit up off the rack and takes me and Sophia over to a changing room so I can try the outfit on.
My aunt helps me change into the outfit and then has me look at myself in the mirror.
I see myself in the set and am astonished at how I actually look.
Sophia takes one look at me and says “Olivia, that is so cute.”
I blush and Sophia giggles.
My aunt then says “I think that outfit is a keeper.”
Once I get changed back into the clothes I was wearing before we go looking for dresses.
As we’re looking at dresses I see one that really catches my eye. It is Purple with the Disney Princesses on it. I pick it up off the rack and put it up against me and immediately fall in love with it. The fuzzy inside has me in love.
My aunt sees me with the dress and says “If you want it put it in the cart.”
I didn’t have to be asked twice and put it in the cart.
We go to pick up new Panties and tights and other stuff like that.
I end up picking out Disney Princess Panties and I also picked out a pack of Barbie ones at Sophia’s request.
I picked out several tights and even got some undershirts.
After we finished in that area Sophia and I were taken to get new shoes. We were sized and I ended up with a pair of Purple Light up shoes with Disney Princesses on them. I found out that Sophia picked out nearly the same shoes although hers are Pink.
We then get taken over to checkout and I couldn’t be happier at this point.
Sophia sees my happiness and says “I told you it would get better.”
Once we’re checked out we go out to the car and we’re buckled into our car seats and head home.
Once home we bring in the bags and my aunt sits me down in the den and snuggles with me.
“You’re coming out of your shell sweetheart. How are you feeling?”
“Happier than I’ve ever been. After Sophia’s friends got me through that first wave I couldn’t be any better.”
“Those girls will be good friends for you Olivia.”
“Olivia, is there anything you want to do?”
“What do you mean?”
“Sophia does Ballet with her friends and her friend Haley even does Gymnastics. Would you want to do anything like that?”
“Wouldn’t that be strange with my real age?”
“Look at it this way, it gives you something to keep your mind off of what you have to eventually go through.”
“I guess that makes sense. There is one thing that is keeping me from doing stuff like that.”
“Olivia, do you have stage fright?”
“Yes” I burst into tears after that.
My aunt pulls me into her lap and puts my head over her shoulder and rubs my back while i’m crying to soothe me.
With my aunt rubbing my back I calm down easily.
“It’s ok Olivia, you’re not the only one who is like that. Sophia is the same way but she’s getting better.”
“I really want to do Ballet but I’m scared of what will happen come the recital.”
My aunt sets me next to her and says “Olivia, there’s nothing to be afraid of. Sophia’s dance teacher deals with kids just like you all the time. She’ll even be on the stage with you guys doing the dance.”
“That eases my nerves a little.”
“If you want to do Ballet with Sophia you’re welcome to, I’ll sign you up tonight when she goes to class.”
“Think about it today sweetheart. Go play with Sophia for a while so I can do my stuff now.”
I head up to Sophia’s room and see her looking a bit out of it.
She doesn’t respond so I go up to her and put my arm around her. Not long after she’s bawling into my shoulder and I just sit there rubbing her back trying to calm her down.
“What’s wrong Sophia?”
“Deep breaths Sophia, it’s ok.”
Sophia calms down and says “I’m sorry.”
“It’s ok, I’m not upset.”
“It’s ok to cry Sophia.”
I end up getting her to play with her dolls and I end up joining her.
We play for at least two hours before we decide to take a little catnap and we are soon asleep.