The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I apologize in advance if this is not the right place to put this submission.

Long story short:
I’m working on a Diaper Dimension story
Essentially the first Creative Writing/Fiction I’ve even done
It’s largely off the cuff, developing as I go
Would like feedback on this shit, because Creative Writing/Fiction is not and has never been my thing; FAR FROM IT
This is a foreign land to me, at least for writing, so treat me like an idiot when it comes to criticism
Read up a bit on the advice for new writers topic, tried to utilize it a bit
Pretty Drunk right now. Only Reason why I’m actually putting this up.
Merely the beginning. Very, very, VERY rough sketch, if you will.
Again, please, any criticism. Too long, too short. Too detailed, not detailed enough. Unfocused, too focused. Poorly written, sentences/paragraphs poorly structured. Please.
As reluctant as I am to do this, I believe it will help me spearhead the rest of the story.

The World Awaits (Pending)
“Hnngghhh…Hup!” She grunted a bit as she hoisted herself up on the top bar of the crib she was imprisoned in. The diaper didn’t help – the damned thing pushing near pushing her legs apart – but she managed. Sitting atop her prison wall gave her pause. She surveyed the room once more, and contemplated her next action. Lord knows this was a once in a lifetime chance for a Little; a careless Amazon and a chance for escape. She couldn’t have asked for a better hand. No baby-monitor, no cameras, no microphones, no sign of surveillance. It was a simple nursery, and nothing stood between her and the door. “Perfect. Dumb bitch is a newbie,” she thought. From the horror stories she’d heard about the kidnappings of Littles, Shelly figured they were all evil masterminds. “Guess it’s always worse in your head,” she thought dismissively.

She carefully maneuvered herself down one of the crib bars, and dropped to the carpeted floor below. Bare feet meant a painful landing, given the distance. Shaking the sting out of her feet, she made her way over to the cardboard box her former clothes were packed in. It carelessly lay in out in the open next to the door – another sign of a virgin adopter. She effortlessly took off the onesie and diaper she was forced into and threw on her old clothes. Panties, jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie weren’t much, but they felt like a warm familial hug after the last ensemble she was forced into. There wasn’t much in the way of fashion for Littles anyway, much to her annoyance. Slipping into her sneakers, she grabbed the box and placed it in front of the door. She took her place on it, turned the knob, and silently dashed out. She carefully but swiftly paced down the hallway and to the foyer. She noticed the doggy door unblocked on the front door. She smirked. The luck she had, getting taken by a complete amateur! With a fist pump she made her escape. She found herself on the sidewalk, and without thinking took off towards the cityscape. Jogging so as to not wear herself out, she kept moving. Adrenaline fueled every step, determined to escape the nightmare she was stuck in. A quarter-hour later, she found herself amongst the tall buildings and the bright lights of the city.

And there Shelly Alunni stood, 3:07 AM, middle of fucking nowhere as far as she was concerned. Had naught but ten bucks and a Little’s pocket-knife on her. Shelly drooped, her auburn hair settling right past her shoulder blades in the back, and resting atop her breasts in the front. “So much for freedom,” she muttered as her shoulders slumped. Just a few hours earlier, she sat at a bus-stop waiting for her ride to her apartment, rented by her kind Inbetweener roommate. All it took was a motherly Amazon, “Where’s your Mommy and Daddy, kiddo?” and that’s all she wrote. The last thing a nigh five-foot Little is going to do is to fend off a self-righteous Amazon. But now what? What was she to do? An hour’s walk from her apartment, never mind the fact that that damned Amazon filled in the proper paperwork when abducting this free Little. Of all the bureaucratic procedures in the world, that one just had to be the seamless one. Her place in her apartment was as good as gone, and no doubt the Inbetweener would be receiving a note soon enough. A long scowl formed on her face as she thought, “These sacks of shit have every base fucking covered.” She was a fighter, though. Better homeless than a doll to whatever lowlife happened to fancy her.

There were only a couple of hours before the early working Amazons came shambling out onto the streets. She quickly traversed her way to an alleyway, ducked in between two high-risers. No homeless Amazons, to her luck. She spotted a dumpster and some discarded cardboard. Tearing a sizeable piece from the long piece with her knife, she got to work on her temporary shelter. Sucking in air from the effort, she ended up with half an A-Frame with the cardboard leaning against the dumpster. As she was about to settle into her new little home, she felt a hand on her shoulder. Letting out a shrill gasp, she turned towards the source of the hand while a terrifyingly cold sweat overwhelmed her. Blinking several times to gather her shaky vision, she saw an unwashed Inbetweener in a ragged jacket and torn slacks, a wide grin on his face. “Mmrrgh,” he gurgled, “Hey dwarf, lloooks like ya lucky one. Ya found a daddy to treatcha right heh heh.” He was on something, no doubt, but that only multiplied her fear. Her throat locked up as she struggled to get anything out. This was nothing like earlier; this was like hell staring her in the face. Her bladder loosened slightly as she felt her clean panties dampen slightly.

As he brought another hand towards her, a voice called out in a casual tone, “Oh! My little girl!” The voice seeped faux surprise, really faux surprise. “Thank you so much for finding my girl!” it rang again. Shelly and the Inbetweener looked over to a corner in the alley where the voice sounded from. There stood an Amazon man, leaned against the wall of the building, must have been in his late twenties or early thirties. His dark, brown hair was clean yet slicked back, reaching his shoulders. Wearing a pair of work-boots, dark jeans, a grey t-shirt underneath a brown, cheap, thick jacket, and a painfully obnoxious smirk on his face, he stepped away from the corner and towards the pair. He seemed somewhat careful in his step, as though slightly keeping balance. The cold sweat continued to cover Shelly. She stared wide-eyed at the roughly eleven feet-tall man as she felt the grip slightly loosen on her shoulder. “She took off earlier and I’ve been so worried! I’m so glad I found her,” the man proclaimed with all the sincerity of a politician. Shelly panicked again as she wondered just who this schmuck was fooling.
To her surprise, though, she saw the Inbetweener freeze up and back away towards the street. Shelly then quickly remembered the hierarchy here: Inbetweeners stand lower than Amazons, figuratively and literally. The man spat out an incomprehensible apology, and hurried towards the streets.

That whole episode done, she looked towards the Amazon savior, but quickly realized that he was simply her new captor. Fear hit her again, and she clammed up. “Hey, girlie. Pretty late out, ah? Where’s your Mommy and Daddy?” She cringed as she relived the terror she felt earlier. It was easy to act tough muttering insults under your breath while your naïve captor slept two rooms away. It was another thing to face a kidnapping full on. Without much thought and quivering quite a bit, she quickly brandished her pocketknife with both her hands and pointed it at the man. The man’s smirk widened for a split second, then without warning he suddenly gasped and looked to his right. Shelly’s frantic gaze followed, and before she knew it the knife was plucked from her hands and tossed aside.

The dirty smirk reformed on the man’s face as he turned towards her. “Well?” The man’s smirk kept as he tilted his head.
“D-don’t have any,” she stuttered, failing to keep her cool. Her brows furrowed and her head subtly retreated; suddenly, her panties felt a slight bit warmer. “Ah!” he exclaimed, “Perfect!” He shuffled forward and squatted in front of her. “Then, you wouldn’t mind coming with me, would you?” She thought she detected a faint scent of alcohol, probably whisky, on his breath. Though she knew there was only one proper response, indignation took over. “Do I have a choice?” Somehow his seemingly ever-present smirk widened into a full-faced grin. “You know that was a dumb question, girlie.” He reached his hand out, and shortly after she reluctantly took it. With a gasp, she was hoisted up with her backside lying out against his arms like a bride carried by her bridegroom. She thought the nonsense with the prior Amazon would have prepared her for this, but she still felt just as wronged. Astonishingly however, he offered the last proposition she thought she’d ever hear. “Let’s have a drink, girlie,” he said, an uncertain air about him as he looked down at her. At least, uncertain to her. She had no idea what to expect from here on out.

I’m posting this to get a better understanding of creative writing, as well to perhaps weather opinions on the DD setting. I don’t like posting any of it before it’s done, but I’m impulsive right now, so that’s how it is.
I hope this benefits me. Holy shit I’m drunk.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I appreciate the response. I understand completely that there’s not much to go on with just this first post. I only posted a bit so I could gauge myself from a creative writing standpoint, and I don’t want to post too much (not that I have much more written).

My understanding was italics are for emphasis, and thoughts were denoted the same way as speech. If either method works fine, then I’m content to continue like that, but if one of them is incorrect then I’d be happy to know.

To be honest, I’m not wholly against giving off a Sin City atmosphere, but that’s a good point. In regards to description in general, I want to be careful to not go overboard. I’m not aware of typical standards when it comes to details, so I don’t know where the line is between wordiness and building up a picture. I hope to gain a better understanding as I continue writing the story. This sort of feedback is essential to that happening, I think.

As for the prior events and where the story begins, I started things where I felt I needed to. To me, the actual kidnapping that previously took place is of less consequence than the escape, and where that escape snowballs to. I’m open to the idea that it might be important, though. I’m considering slightly expanding on it later in the story, perhaps in the form of a quick flashback or just a recollection.

In retrospect, I would have liked describing the inbetweener more. Again, it comes back to my lack of understanding on what to give a lot of details to, and what to leave a bit bare. I don’t want to describe every little thing if it bores the reader, but that’s instead essential to grab the readers focus, then I’m more than willing to do just that.

As a quick note, I don’t believe I’d be writing anything at all without using this setting. Certainly not this kind of story. I feel like this setting grants a bit more plausibility than the real world for these kinds of stories. I like it because it’s a (somewhat) established world with a set of rules different from the real world.

Oh, and you weren’t harsh at all. You were brutal. Quite frankly I feel attacked and hurt. Don’t know how I’ll get through this.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I suspect he’s joking there. :wink:

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

As far as I know italics are for emphasis. I don’t see why they couldn’t be used for thought if the author committed them to that purpose, but I think it’s mostly for emphasis.

As for what you have. Not bad. Not bad at all. It’s original, in a good way. I can’t remember a story starting off with an escape (at least not a half-way decent escape that even involved getting back into street clothes). It lacks some detail, it’s true, but I didn’t notice the lack of detail while reading through it the first time. That’s a good sign.

I just took it as being in the main character’s head and being caught up in the moment of escape. Frankly, if the character is running for their friggin’ freedom, I don’t mind a bit of scarcity on environmental details. It’s not like the character is sneaking or strolling or taking everything in.

Details give the reader focus. If you want a reader’s attention to be focused on a singular image, give more details. If the environment is all so much background and the emphasis is on the character’s thoughts and mood, focus on those, giving us only enough information as we can perceive the surroundings the way she might perceive it.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

Hey, another writer I was hoping to hear from. Thanks first and foremost for your input.

That was the mindset I had while writing, at least from what I remember. I was pretty drunk while typing it up, to be honest.
That aside, I suppose I got caught up in the hectic nature of the scene. Even still, though, I need to grasp what makes a proper amount of detail. I know I could write more there while still keeping the frantic tone during the escape.

Thanks for the bit on the readers’ focus. I do think it will help me better narrow down how I want to write this piece.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I actually started an unpublished story like this in the same setting (called Out of the Frying Pan, into the Fire), though the little in question had needed to wait months for an escape, and then fell in with somebody else almost immediately.

Generally it’s good, but I’d make a few suggestions. Don’t drop her straight into place with somebody else, if she’s only been gone for a day then let us see her normal life which she returns to, and let us see what she’s going to fall from and lose. Show us her frustrations as an adult. With such a sloppy parent, she might not have had adoption forms signed as well. I’d also recommend making the new figure who enters into her life be a bit more personal by the time it happens, give them some build up together in which she loses some sort of contest. You started with action, and made it understood that she can deal with an average amazon, now slow things down a bit, let us see her life, and give her the challenge of a more capable amazon beginning to circle around her life.

This is also my personal opinion of the dimension which I’ve had disagreements with other authors over, but I suggest not having anything rapey or murderous or homelessness like in the alleyway, since the universe is supposed to be an expression of abdl tropes and fantasies come to life, including magic, high technology, physical age regression of all sizes, etc, rather than a place of the full range of miseries and underclass discussions and stuff where things necessarily function as akin to our world. She might have incredible internal strength for getting her life back on track, due to being a capable little, and simply chins up and soldiers on, getting by with a bit of anger and discomfort. Then, a more capable dom might train that out of her, convincing her that she never had it in the first place with their games.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

See, I didn’t take it like that, though you have a valid point; there’s expanding the genre that this DD thing has become and then warping it beyond recognition. There are some limits that might best not be stretched, but I don’t know yet if this is one of them.

With the scary crazy homeless thing…I was just thinking of images from those kids movies where the kid turns a corner and suddenly is in a VERY DARK and VERY SCARY place filled with Ne’er do wells, etc. etc.

Also, we don’t know what the relationship with the drunk might be and the OP made a decent (if short) case on why the Little might feel like she doesn’t have a life to go back to.

The plot is wide open with possibilities on what direction the OP wants to go.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I admit I view the dimension as more of a means to an end, here. For this story, I think of it as simultaneously integral and an ineffectual backdrop. To clarify, I fully understand Aus’s point as it pertains to the original story, and the original nature of the setting. I suppose over time, and as more stories were written, I came to understand it as more of a true alternate dimension, via some sort of multiverse. A parallel world with vastly different sized people and vastly different expectations placed on them, yet still very similar in nature to our world. The setting I envisioned is the only one in which I can really tell this story, and it includes any vices, hardships, and degeneracy we see in the real world. Not to sell it as particularly dark or anything - it actually verges on cheesy, the way I see it playing out - but the point for me is to tell a story within the setting, yet not revolved around it, if that makes any sense. And for what it’s worth, sexual violation is nothing new to dimension, as far as I can tell.

Ultimately if it’s felt that I somehow did go too far with the setting, I’d be happy to disassociate from the official “Diaper Dimension,” and change the terms to remove all DD conventions. I’d still stick to the setting I described above, however. Probably just introduce it as a possible alternate world somewhere in space. A sort of “Twilight Zone” sort of deal. I simply felt that the dimension that’s been established is perfect for me personally.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I know the feeling. :wink:

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

Italics can be used for emphasis or thought. When in thought Non-Italicized words are for emphasis. It’s pretty standardized nowadays.

It’s very well done for a first chapter. You could expand the background details given if you want but you’ve given enough to build off of and explain as the story goes on. You could go either way here. I’d recommend staying the course as many writers fail to balance the details as well you have here.

The only thing I’d recommend is starting a new paragraph when a different person starts to speak, two or more characters should not speak in the same paragraph.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

Sexual violation in the DD was usually done in the context of abdl training fantasies (Alisa encountering the house towards the end where women had been shrunk and trained to enjoy their diapers, in an unspecified way), and then what InkuHime labelled ‘positive reinforcement’ in another story, where littles tended to get rubbed up while being put into diapers, overwhelming and confusing them. I think one author threw in a random rape, which seemed odd and out of place to me, since it doesn’t really fit the genre which the DD was defined as a mishmashed representation of.

I guess I’m just a schtikler because I think if people turn this into a dark place, they could reinvent it, not quite having thought through what was enjoyable about it in the first place (yes it was dark, but not just dark for the sake of dark, but dark in the way ABDL stories are, because it’s a world where they’re all true at once, which also requires suspension of disbelief about the other dark parts of reality, to the point I don’t think the world would function ‘realistically’ (aka like ours) in many ways, with wars, diseases, rapes, etc. In the same way that the toys of Toy Story aren’t dealing with PSTD despite the insane challenges put on them, the pokemon of the pokemon world aren’t abused animals, and the kids of the pokemon world can travel the world safely. A fictional world has its own rules which allow the main plot points to work coherently and be the focus).

I’m not saying there’s anything necessarily wrong with your story, it’s just something I’ve increasingly felt as people have seemed to write versions of the DD seemingly based on other later versions than the original, making it grow compoundingly randomly darker and horrible in ways which don’t seem to fit the original vision of it laid out, and perhaps making the whole notion less fun for people discovering it now or not re-reading the early stuff, which seems to have been where the greatest success with audiences was.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

One thing which stands out in the newer stories is the ‘random kidnapping’ notion, whereas in the original, Alisa got herself into the mess by stealing baby clothes and being locked in a nursery, at which point she was assigned to the owner parent of the clothes who decided she must need to continue being that way. Whereas the original Alisa, from the dimension, was getting by a reporter who had even shut down diapering programs, it was just a challenge for her to not give justification for diapers (in a way they have to ‘earn’ it, so that they can never be quite sure of themselves).

The creator’s later story about Sierra had her falling into a nursery as well, and then being diapered by the time that the ‘adults’ found her.

In InkuHime’s story, which I’d say is the best fan fiction and Princess’s recent recommendation of it seems to agree, littles weren’t quite just randomly plucked, but the giants were just waiting on some justification to use.

Creating self doubt in the diaper-wearer about their own maturity and deservedness for being out of diapers seems to have been a common theme in the creation of the setting, as well as the stories which influenced it, where people were turned into bedwetters by manipulative step-parents etc, short women had their clothes mixed up and began to doubt themselves, etc.

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

Now, admittedly, I haven’t finished it yet (though it’s basically as dark as it’s going to get - it’s the big twist at the end that’s going to get people), has “A Little Legal Issue” really set off these alarm bells for you?

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I actually skipped through the parts which I knew I wasn’t going to like, but enjoyed the later stuff. To me though, a little managing to kill their caretaker is akin to pokemon in the pokemon world having to deal with the spread of mortal disease amongst animal populations, culling, and the trainers being raped by paedophiles. It’s just something that seems kind of out there from what the story of the world is, and seems to miss the point of what it was created for (I’m also not a fan of death penalties etc, since I’m not from a country which has anything like that, so it makes the place seem particularly savage in a way which from my perception a developed land isn’t).

To me, the main conflict between the members of the diaper dimension is the mental battle, where size is used to reinforce it at points, but it’s not a raw game being played (the very first image of the diaper dimension seen, in chapter 1 of the first story, had some big people being dominated by smaller people, and the main character defeated big people by outplaying at the diaper dimension game, shrinking them to diapers instead, getting them caught by even bigger people, etc, where violence never factored in despite it being an option, say with a sleeping giantess who she had full access to, yet didn’t go that way at all because I don’t think it’s the way that characters are supposed to play by the ‘rules of the game’ they’re stuck playing).

Re: The World Awaits - Title Pending (Diaper Dimension Story) - Criticism Wanted

I remember following along that minor shitstorm in a teacup as it happened.

I forgot to expand on this. My mindset is that her background is not as important as where we’re headed, at least from an artistic perspective. To explain, her background will certainly be fleshed out more; her past, or at least certain facets of it, is absolutely important. However, I feel it will be explored in time, though perhaps not extensively. I also feel like there’s a fairly universal experience among Littles in the setting, that enough can be assumed for the time being.

Before things go further, I think there’s a more appropriate place to discuss these things, though. Namely a certain topic on a certain site comes to mind, or perhaps a new topic somewhere on this forum. I don’t intend to stir any pot in this thread. I will at least say two more things, though.

Something slightly related to this concept may find it’s way in this story in some fashion. Whether it plays an important role, or even if it’s present at all, remains to be seen.

Though I wouldn’t be interested in a story featuring these things specifically (in the pokemon world), I do believe that introducing such foreign concepts to these worlds makes for more interesting stories, if nothing else. It’s a reason why I’m very interested in seeing how “A Little Legal Issue” plays out. And as a quick non-serious note, in the games at least, there’s always those tower-graveyards of dead pokemon.

It’s actually pretty good! I just wish there was more of it.