“Finally! We made it!” Alex said, opening the door to a tavern. The room inside was dark, only light by torches and candles. Long wooden tables and benches were spread half haphazardly over dirty floor boards, and drunken patrons laughed loudly over mugs of beer. “Now lets get drunk!”
“Yes, that appears to be what we normally do at this part of our quests,” Julian said. He was tall, with elfin ears and short black hair.
Alex sat down heavily on a bench and spread his legs wide. He waved broadly at the bar to summon the waiter and held up three fingers.
“I believe they expect you to go up to the bar,” Julian said.
“Nonsense! They’ll do what we pay them to do. With what we just made on that quest we can surely make it worth their while,” Alex held up gold coins between his fingers. “Besides, I’m no maid or waitress, I don’t serve drinks. I’m a warrior! Manliest of trades!”
“Are you sure you should be saying that? Given you’re… issue,” Julian said.
Alex glared. “DON’T. BRING. THAT. UP. It makes it worse. But yes, that was an odd thing to say.”
“Wait, bring what up?” Joshua, the third member of their group, asked. He was shorter then the others and dark haired, and had come in as a bard.
“Alex’s weakness,” Julian said.
“What weakness?”
“NO! Don’t say it. I don’t have a weakness.”
Julian looked at Alex. “Well you know how every member of our party has strengths and weaknesses? Like how my strategy and deduction are tempered by an inability to understand human behavior?”
“Yes, I thought that was just a cultural difference.”
He shrugged. “Either way, Alex has his own.”
“Don’t say it! I’ll fight you!” Alex said, getting angry. “I’m going to get the drinks.”
Joshua was surprised. “Did he just challenge you?”
“Yes its part of the curse. He didn’t mean it.”
Alex returned with drinks, and they all began sipping. A moment later a tall, muscular man came to the door.
“Package for Alex!” he shouted out.
“Here!” Alex said. “This must be the new armor I ordered. Best blacksmiths in the country. I already threw my other stuff out.”
“Was that a good idea before you’ve seen it?” Joshua asked.
“I believe you are about to witness his weakness.”
The muscular man handed Alex a large cardboard box.
“Huh, seems really light,” Alex said. He opened up the box. “HEY! What gives!”
“Something wrong, sir?” the blacksmith said.
“Its made out of plastic!” Alex shouted. He held a large, purple shield with a teddy bear etched into it. “And why is there a teddy bear on it?”
“You said 'bear themed.” We kind of filled in the blanks."
“A collar?!”
“Neck guard.”
“Yes, like a grizzly bear! Oh Jesus,” Alex took out a long foam baton with a rattle at one end, colored with purple and blue stripes. "Is this supposed to be my ‘sword?’
“Yes.”
“A collar?!”
“Neck guard.”
“What else is in here? I…” he stopped and blushed. “Oh.”
“What is it?” Joshua asked.
“I’m not taking it out.”
“Yes, the request filled in the box for ‘infant,’ then requested armour, so we assumed it was for a child. Hence the rest of it.”
“No, no, I thought that meant I fought on foot.”
“Oh, I can see the confusion,” he said.
“WHo was dumb enough to think something sized for a 6’ man was for a baby?”
“Anyone else find it odd we have cardboard and plastic but still use torches and steel swords?” Joshua asked, but was ignored, as it wasn’t relevant to the story.
The blacksmith folded his arms and glowered. “Hey now, we get all sorts here. Dwarves, elves, giants, this wasn’t an odd order.”
“Whatever. Can I get it replaced? Same order, but real?”
He shook his head. “Sure thing sir, I apologize.”
The blacksmith left, leaving the box of toys behind.
“Oh god,” Alex put his head in his hand.
“What else is in there?” Joshua asked.
“A large diaper and a purple sweater with a heart on it. A hood with teddy bear ears. Booties.” Julian said.
“What?! Really?!”
“Uggh why do these things always happen to me?” Alex moaned.
“Well it can’t be that bad. A simple misunderstanding on…”
“No, no, he’s right. These things just always happen to him,” Julian said. “Its his weakness. Reverse Plot Armour.”
“Reverse what now?”
“DON"T say it. It makes it worse.”
Julian ignored Alex and kept going. “You know how some fictional characters have 'plot armor?” No matter how bad the scenario or ridiculous the odds, they will succeed and end up looking good, because the universe wants them too succeed?"
“Yes…”
“Alex is the reverse. The universe wants him to fail.”
“What?”
“Its like his entire life is being written by a deranged author who wants him to be humiliated. No matter how hard he trains or works, in certain situations he will always lose and be embarrassed.”
“Really? But… we just completed a quest together! He fought off…”
Julian waved his hand for silence. “Yes, yes, it has to be under the right circumstances. Specifically, when his pride is at stake. Observe. You have seen Alex drink multiple beers, correct?”
“Yes…”
“Don’t you dare!” Alex said.
Julian picked up a drink and handed it to Alex. “Hey Alex, can you drink this easily, or are you too immature to not spill it?”
“What!? I’m not imma… Shit!” he shouted as the beer poured over him.
“See? Now watch what happens.”
“No, no you triggered it! You @$$#0!%!”
The owner of the bar, a short, fat and balding man, came up to Alex. “Hey! Are you spilling those drinks!? I see you can’t be trusted with a glass.”
“What!? That’s a weird thing to say! What are you, HEY! What!?”
Alex was ignored as the bartender put a baby bottle full of beer in front of him. “I’m not drinking from that!” He picked it up and threw it against a wall.
“That’s it! You are going to have to clean that up!”
“I’m not! Hey, let me go!” Alex struggled as the man grabbed his wrist and pulled him up. He pulled and punched, but couldn’t break the man’s grasp as he dragged Alex accross his lap. “Nooo let me go!”
“You either stop struggling or I’m going to treat you like any other misbehaved child!” He raised his hands and began spanking Alex, who moaned and shouted.
“The bartender is really rough,” Joshua said.
“Oh, no, he only does this toward Alex. See, watch,” Julian picked up the two remaining beers and threw them against the wall.
The bartender stopped what he was doing and smiled. “Oh, I’m sorry sir, we’ll get that cleaned up and replaced for you. On the house. Have a nice day!” He then went back to spanking Alex, who was sobbing, but still struggling. The bartender pulled down his pants and continued on his bear bottom.
“I’ve seen Alex outfight monsters twice his size,” Joshua said.
“Yes,” Julian replied.
“And now he can’t outfit an aging fat guy?”
He shrugged. “Its part of the curse.”
They both watched as their friend was beaten into submission, then lead up and marched sobbing through the bar with his pants around his legs.
“Should we do something?”
“No, this usually will play itself out.”
“So… I mean, doesn’t that kind of make him useless? He’s supposed to be a warrior but can’t fight?”
Julian shook his head. “No, its only when Alex is challenged or brags about certain topics.”
“Soo… if the challenge makes him seem immature or incompetent, he will fail? What else?”
“Oh, anything that challenges his manliness. Think of it this way. If he becomes the best lock pick in the world, he will still be thwarted by anything labelled ‘child safety lock,’ and have his failure publicly seen. Its the same with his bragging, he doesn’t even normally care unless you invoke the Reverse Plot Armor. Watch,” he cupped his hands to his mouth and shouted. “Hey Alex! Isn’t cleaning up stuff like that a maids job? I thought you were a big tough warrior?”
“Yeah! I can’t do this! I’m a guy… uh oh, why would I say that…”
“Disrespecting woman I see!” a feminine voice said. A woman, as short and wide as the bartender with mangled hair and wearing an apron, came out of a backroom. “We will see about that.”
“Please no!” Alex continued his fruitless struggling as he was brought into the back.
“What now?” Joshua asked.
Julian shrugged. “You are likely about to see one of the oddest and most common sights in our group: Alex forcibly cross dressed.”
“Huh. Should we do something? How long does this last?”
“As long as Alex keeps on saying stupid things. Which is… never, really, once the curse starts. Usually he’ll end up humiliated publicly, then it will die down and he will go back to normal. People will forget when they see him again, and it repeats.”
There was a loud hooting and hollering. They looked at the back of the room as Alex was lead in wearing a maid’s dress and carrying a bucket of water and a tray of drinks. The men in the bar all ogled him as he walked his way through to where the beer had been spilled.
“And we have plenty more chores for you to do after that, girl,” the older woman said.
“Yeah yeah yeah,” Alex muttered, trying to ignore her as much as the hollering. He made it to the table with the other two and handed them their drinks. He then got down on his hands and knees, and began scrubbing.
“So that is it? Maturity and masculinity?” Joshua asked.
“Usually, but it can have other effects. We tried a few times to see what triggered it with odd results. Once we got him to brag about his being human…”
“Really?”
“The curse leads to some odd statements. Anyway, we found him wearing a leash and being treated as a princesses ‘pet dog.’ Another time it was that he was capable of making decisions. We found him tied up and immobile. Normally its this or something like his armor.”
“I see. Can I try?”
“Don’t you dare!” Alex said.
“Sure why not?” Julian said.
Joshua thought for a moment. “Hmmm… Hey Alex. I see you crawling like that, don’t only babies do that?”
“Well no, I have to do it to get to…”
He was cut off as the bartender lifted him straight into the air and cradled him.
“OH come on! That one wasn’t even weird, it was true!”
“Hush now little one! No tantrums or you’ll get a spanking! I can see that this sort of thing is too complicated for you. And what is this?” he held up a damp part of Alex’s skirt. “Naughty! Not telling us when you needed to go!”
“No that is beer! Help!” Alex shouted at his companions, kept drinking.
“Huh,”
“Yep.”
They heard screams and please coming from the back room, followed by loud banging noises.
“Should we help him?”
“No, lets see this play out. I’m sure he’s used to it at this point.” Julian said.
The banging sounds were soon replaced with sobbing.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Julian said.
Alex re-appeared, this time suckling a pacifier. His dressed bulged out at his waist, and the short skirt flared up to show thick white plastic underwear under his skirt. The bar room was filled with laughter as people jeered at him. A few began to reach out and pat or grab his padded bottom, and another pulled him into his lap. Alex whined and moaned, but was helpless to stop it.
Julian shook his head. “Poor Alex, diapered again.”
“Again?” Joshua asked.
He nodded. “This really does just always happen to him.”
They watched as Alex suffered through a series of humiliations, getting pinched prodded from all sides, his diaper checked over and over, and spanked whenever he fought back. One held him down and began feeding him a bottle of milk.
“I suppose we really should do something,” Julian said.
“How?”
“There is a plan. One moment,” He took out a cell phone and dialed a button.
“See! There it is again! We live in meadival castles but have cell phones?!”
“Quite. Its magic,” Julian said.
“Riiighht.”
“Hello,” Julian said into the phone. “Its Julian, about Alex. Yes, it happened again. In the pub at the edge of town. Yes. Skirts and diapers, so ABDL and sissy. Alright, see you soon.”
“Who was that?”
“You’ll see.”
A read haired girl, wearing light armor and carrying a spear and a bow, came into the taveran. “Ah! You’ve found my baby!” she shouted, and walked toward Alex.
“What? Ka…” Alex began, dropping his pacifier.
“Shhhh now,” she pushed the pacifier back into his mouth. “Who found my baby?”
The bartender came our from behind the bar. “What? Is she yours?”
“Yes, he… she, is mine. She got lost a while ago and I’ve been looking. Thank you so much for finding… her.”
“Is that true?” he looked at Alex.
Alex first glared, then clamed down and looked wide eyed from the girl to the bartender. He then nodded. “She’s my…” he stopped, and they all looked at him.
The girl nudged him. “Say it or we’ll never get out.”
“She’s my mommy…” he said. The bar cooed at his confession, and the girl took him out.
“Well, we should pay and see whats going on,” Julian said. He left money on the table, Joshua grabbed the box of toy armor, and they both left.
Outside the girl was scolding Alex. “What did you get into this time? Huh? BAD BABY!” She held a rolled up news paper and smacked him on the head.
“Hey! Kacey! Don’t you…”
“Don’t talk with your pacifier in your mouth! You know that!” she smacked him again.
Julian put a hand on her shoulder. “Now now, you know its his curse making you do that.”
She paused. "Ohh riiighht! Sorry Alex!’
“Don’t mention it. Seriously, please don’t mention this ever again. Now let me get out of these. You have a change of clothes?”
“I don’t know if thats the best idea,” the girl said.
“Yes,” Julian added. “Normally after and incident like this its a good idea for you to remain diapered for at least a few days incase… you know…”
Alex rolled his eyes. “FINE! But let me get out of this dress. You have any other clothes?”
Joshua held up the box.
“Oh you have got to be kidding me.”
Alex, now dressed from head to to toe in play armor, with a diaper serving as his only protection beneath and his top being a purple hooded teddy bear sweater, stomped through town back to his camp to change.
“Stupid weakness!” he muttered. “It could have been some stone or the color yellow or fried chicken, but noooo it has to be stupid Reverse Plot Armor. This is all so ridiculous. I could have taken any one of those guys at the bar… no, ALL of them AT ONCE, if it weren’t for…” he was cut off by people laughing. “HEY! You keep quiet or I swear I’ll beat you with just this foam rattle!” He shouted, pointing the toy at them. “You want to be the guys who lost a fight to a guy in a diaper?” He hit a barrel with the sword and the barrel shattered. The others became afraid and ran away. Alex went back to walking and muttering. He left the town and ended up in a forest, where he began angrily casting the toy armor into the forest.
“Stupid fake armor. As if THAT was their mistake. Like that’s a normal thing to confuse. Wouldn’t happen to anyone else, I swear…” he stopped and jolted as he ran into someone’s back while pulling his sweater off. The person, slightly shorter then Alex, fell to the ground. “Hey!” Alex said. “Don’t you know that little people like you need to pay attention to bigger people like me? I… wait, that was a weird thing to say… oh @#$%…” He stopped as a sudden realization came over him.
The person he hit, whom he assumed to be human, turned around. He was crying, and had a wooden soother in his mouth. “Uh ohh…” Alex said.
A massive shadow covered him. He turned around to see two giants behind him, both looming over him and glaring. He looked back at the person he hit. A giant’s baby, crying. He then looked at himself, the same size as the giant’s baby, wearing only a diaper, and who had just hurt their son. He looked up at the giants, who glared at him. “Oh for heck’s sake!” Alex said as he was hoisted into the air.
