The boy of the mountains

Stories Board Member Stories
1

[u]The boy of the mountains[/u]

The town of Stickleberry was renowned for its farming community, Covered by the mountains the North, the wasteland to the South, miles of farmland to the West, and to the West the endless waters of the Shoreline. It was not big, nor a trading place, no one came into the community, and no one bothered to leave. Stickleberry was insignificant. Or so the people that lived there so thought.

But one night that all changed. From the fog of the morning travelled a boy, in the Northern mountains, They were said to be a place of death and despair, but that didn’t stop him from his hunting games. He was hunting a bear, as he felt adventurous that particular night. He was just about to shoot, when an object him on the head. Now the boy, he was not rich, nor was he poor, he had no family, and was alone. He was 16, but decided early in life to educate himself on the important things on life, mainly staying alive. He craved the nature that surrounded him, Therefore when the object hit him on the head he thought little of it, and continued to aim at the bear. Suddenly the red, smooth, rounded object began to glow. ‘Glow?’ The boy thought to himself. He touched the ‘stone’ and it began to vibrate, scared he backed away curiously, forgetting the bear which was standing behind him. It was to late.

RAWR! Screamed the bear. The boy screamed in fear, and leapt out of the way as a claw bought a tree tumbling down, and the mighty predator leaped onto him, knocking him onto the ground.

‘My sword where is my sword!’ thought the boy, as he spotted it just out of arms reach.

‘FLABBERGAST IT!’ yelled the boy, he was doomed, the bear bared his teeth, readying for the kill.

Suddenly the sky turned red, filling all line of sight with redness, for miles around the starving sod. When the boy got his eyesight back he noticed a draft running through his body. Momentally forgetting about the danger of the bear, and tried to figure out what had changed. Then he noticed. He was naked! Apart from a lone nappy which fitted snugly on his thin body.

‘What the…’ Before the boy could finish the bear reacted and went in for the kill, the boy didn’t react but grabbed the sword in his outstretched hand, and with his other hand grabbed the muzzle of the bear, and spoke to it in an unknown tongue. Now standing the boy told the bear to go, and to his amazement it complied! Amazed the boy punched the air, but then remembered the item that was caressing from his waste and went about taking it off, only surprised to find that he couldn’t.

‘What is this thing?’ thought the boy, annoyed. He flinched as the infantile attire replied to his question,

‘Why i am your nappy, Matty.’

‘Matty…’ yes that was his name, though it had not been spoken in years.

‘I dont need a nappy!’ Retorted Matty.

‘Oh? But i have chosen you, you should be honored. A great danger is apon your land, i am here to help’

‘Wait… this is insane… how is a… undergarment… talking to me?’

The nappy laughed ‘Magic!’

The boy just looked at the nappy, as his legs suddenly moved by themselves, as he realized it was the nappies doing. They walked from the mountains into the farming village of Stickleberry, nappy in full view.

(To be continued)[/u]

2

The boy of the mountains

It will be interesting to see how this turns out. It does seem just a bit rushed though, imho.

3

The boy of the mountains

XD that cause i wrote it in the late hours of the day, in like 15 mins XD while the idea was there… Yeah i might edit it ect

4

The boy of the mountains

The story seems overwritten at some points and underwritten at other points. Thats not even factoring in how short it is. For one, I’d let the story’s natural progress tell us what we need to know about the boy. You wasting two paragraphs in the beginning to tell us the details of his life does nothing but bore.

Also, I wrote a talking diaper story a few years ago and I think its in the completed stories archive here, now. It somehow surprised me that people didn’t use that idea more often.

Anyways, you have some decent ideas, but you need to tighten up your writing.

5

The boy of the mountains

Well, I’ll say it.

I could tell before I even clicked the thread that it was most likely going to be a train wreck. Granted, I’ve just started writing again after a couple years recess, but I still know a thing or two.

Honestly, though the baseline idea might be doable, but the delivery is somewhat terrible. There’s quite a few grammatical mistakes, no character development, and a general lack of background info. You even left out a few words here and there, and actually said “To the west” twice.

Also, and more importantly, it needs some logic work. What is he shooting? Why does he carry a sword hunting bear? How can a 16 year old teach himself to hunt bear?

When an idea like this springs into your head, try writing a few things down in word and stepping away for a while. When you come back to refine it, you get a fresh view of your work.

Keep at it. The harsher the criticism, the more potential you’ve yet to reach.

6

The boy of the mountains

It didn’t actually make very good sense.

And who the hell says ‘Flabbergast it.’?

7

The boy of the mountains

thanks for the criticism, Yeah im working on it, but to be honest a background/character info doesn’t need to be shown at the start. And im trying to base it around Eragon, ill probally update over the weekend.