Sorry about the wait. I am all moved finally but now finals will be coming up soon but don’t worry I won’t forget about the story. It will just take a little time.
I felt my heart drop upon hearing the news of the baby. I just couldn’t believe it. How did Paula even get through such a tragedy?
Paula grabbed my hand and helped me up off the floor. She pulled me into another hug, I missed this so much over the years.
“Want to check out the bedroom?” Paula asked.
I nodded, it could be fun to go through some of our old stuff.
We walked up the stairs and I stared into the pictures once more, feeling the sadness of loss. We reached the top of the steps and made our way into our old bedroom. I let Paula’s hand go and went straight for Bubba. I picked him up and held him for just a moment, forgetting about my surroundings and forgetting the situation. I just wanted to hold him.
Paula walked over and put her arm over my shoulder, “I can’t believe you survived without your bear.”
I nodded and squeezed Bubba once more, “It was hard at first, being away from everything I knew and everything that made me secure. I had my life ripped from my hands.”
I could feel the stinging in my eyes as memories flooded my mind.
[i]“Hi Michelle. I’m Jackie. You are going to come and stay in my house for awhile.” Jackie told me.
I fought back the tears, I missed daddy, I missed Paula and even though I hated the center, I missed that too.
“Jackie, she is all packed up and ready to go. She doesn’t have much under the circumstances but she has a few things. The county will be sending you some funding to help with establishing her comfort. I do think there are a few things you need to know though. Could you come talk to me in private?” The social worker, I forget her name, had asked.
Jackie nodded and followed her to the corner of the room, leaving me alone and ready to run. I could take off out the door. I think I am a pretty fast runner, I could get away. Deep in my thoughts I was startled when Jackie grabbed my suitcase from my hands, “You ready there dear?”
Jackie helped me into the backseat of her Buick and buckled me in. Withing minutes we were on our way to my “new home.”
I felt like crying and I felt like screaming. Now I was being taken further away from home. My real home.
I woke up to Jackie unbuckling my seatbelt. “We are here Michelle, are you ready to see your new home?”
I shrugged and slid out of the car. I looked at the house, nothing special. Pretty average if you ask me, it was a simple 2 story in the shade of light green. It was right in town and I could see children playing down the street. It made me jealous to see how happy they were, because they were at “home.”
I followed Jackie up to the door and into the house. She showed me around, the kitchen and family room along with the bathroom and laundry room.
“Michelle, do you need to use the bathroom at all?” Jackie asked me, surprisingly.
I shook my head, knowing full well that the question was a little off. Considering that I was wearing a pullup that was far from dry.
The center did not like the fact I wore them, but they had no choice when I woke up in a wet bed, or didn’t make it to the bathroom in time. I guess I had gotten used to being in diapers back home. Paula would always put me in one, and change me as well. It started out as a necessity and turned into something very special.
Eventually the center gave up and let me have the diapers. They were not happy about it, and said some things that I think were unnecessary.
Jackie led me to my new bedroom which was the only one on the first floor.
“Steve and I are upstairs if you were to need us. The upstairs is one complete bedroom. The house may seem to be a two story, but it is a one and a half story.” She explained.
I nodded and set my suitcase on the bed. I looked around, the room was pretty plain. White walls, with no pictures. There was a 5 drawer dresser on one wall and the twin sized bed across from it. The closet was on the other wall and the fourth wall stood bare.
“We figured we wouldn’t do much with the room until you got here, it’s your choice how you would like to decorate.” Jackie said, interrupted my observing.
I nodded and sat down on the bed by my suitcase, feeling the cold squish on my bottom. I knew it was time to get changed, but I wasn’t sure how Jackie would react.
“I’ll leave you to get unpacked and settled, come on out when you are ready.” Jackie said as she closed the door.
I opened my suitcase and pulled everything out. I was disappointed when I found that my “supplies” were not included in my suitcase. I started to feel a little nervous, I wasn’t sure that I could be without these things. It was one not to have Bubba, but no pullups or diapers? This was a catastrophe.
I pulled my shorts down and pulled the wet pullup off. I dug in my suitcase for a pair of underwear, thankfully I found some. I slid them up and then my shorts and opened the door. I could hear Jackie moving around upstairs so I snuck off to the bathroom to dispose of my soiled diaper.
I made sure to use the bathroom at least every half hour that day, afraid of having an accident. Jackie and I basically just hung around the living room and watched TV. She had soaps on, which really did not interest me. I spent most of the time wishing I was at home with daddy and Paula.
The soaps must have really been uninteresting because I felt myself dozing off. I was shaken by the phone ringing, and very grateful as well. I took off for the bathroom praying that I would make it in time. Thankfully I did.
I came back out into the family room and sat down. Jackie was still on the phone in the kitchen.
I heard the front door open and a man appeared, he was a bit older looking with his salt and pepper hair and white mustache. He smiled at me, “You must be Michelle?”
I nodded. I was a little unsure what to say. I think he was as well as he walked over and sat down in the recliner. " I am Steve."
I smiled, “Nice to meet you.” and quickly turned my gaze back on the television like I was interested in who was cheating on who and who killed who.
Jackie returned to the living room and gave Steve a kiss. “Well, I hope you two have met each other then?”
Steve smiled, “Yes we have.”
I nodded and turned once again towards the television.
“Jack I have to go back into work again tonight. I am sorry I know how important today was, but they just wouldn’t let me go.” Steve said.
Jackie sighed and nodded, “Well I will get dinner started early tonight then. Michelle, would you like to help me?”
I didn’t really want to. I wanted to hide in my room. But I nodded anyways and stood up. I followed Jackie out to the kitchen.
“Anything in particular you would like to have for supper?” She asked.
I shook my head, “I don’t care.”
Jackie smiled and began pulling things from the refrigerator and cupboards.
After dinner, Steve left and it was Jackie and I once again, alone.
I helped her clear the table and then made my trip to the bathroom for the 90th time that day.
When I came back out, Jackie was on the couch watching TV. I decided I had enough TV for the day, “Jackie, can I go to my room?”
Jackie smiled and nodded, “Of course you can. This is your home, you do not have to ask.”
I nodded and turned to go back to my bedroom. Once I was inside and the door was closed I felt my body relax a bit more as I sighed. I flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t stop the thoughts parading through my mind of mommy and daddy, and what Paula was doing and when I would see her again. I guess I dozed off from there.
I awoke and it was dark. The house seemed quiet and still. There was no clock in my room, so I had no idea what time it was. I got up and went to the door and peeked out. The house was dark. I made my way to the bathroom.
After I finished in the bathroom I walked out into the family room where I could read the clock, it was only 9 pm. I was asleep for four hours.
I went back into my room and got my PJ’s out. As I got settled into my bed, I felt awkward without my diaper. I was nervous about not having it. Since it had been years since I slept without one.
It was really hard to fall asleep that night. With the new surroundings and the lack of security anyways. It must have been hours and numerous trips to the bathroom before I finally fell asleep.
I awoke in the morning to the sun blinding me through the blinds. I rolled over to avoid the rays, and I could feel the dampness under me.
I tore back the blankets, horrified. “Great! My first night here and this just -has- to happen.” I thought.
I got out of the bed and stripped from my wet PJ’s. I tore the sheets and blankets off the bed and threw them in a crumpled pile. I searched for an outfit to wear and was just buttoning up my jeans when I heard a knock.
“Michelle, are you up?” I heard the muffled voice of Jackie through the door.
“Yeah, be right out.” I replied frantically.
I kicked the sodden pile to the side and slid out of the room carefully closing the door behind me.
Jackie peeked her head out from the kitchen, “G’morning!”
I smiled, “Mornin.”
“Are you hungry at all?” She chirped.
I shook my head, “No thank you.”
She looked at me and stopped smiling. “You’re not hungry at all? Do you feel ok?”
I nodded. “Just not hungry.”
I went into the bathroom. I stood there, looking at myself in the mirror, hating every inch of who I was at the moment. Not sure of how I should feel, but feeling really crappy. I grabbed a towel from the cupboard and turned the shower on.
After my shower, I snuck back to the room. The sheets were gone and the room smelled funny, like cleaner. My heart stopped, knowing that Jackie was in here.
I heard a knock. “Michelle? Can I come in?”
I opened the door and Jackie was there with fresh sheets. She came in and set them on the dresser. “Will you help me flip this dear?” She asked as she started to lift one side of the mattress.
I walked over and helped her flip the mattress completely.
“Your social worker informed me of your ‘situation’ and I understand. But I will not condone this behavior Michelle. I understand it is going to take time to reverse the damage your family has done to you. I am a very patient and understanding person and I will work on this with you. But I will not have a teenager in diapers. We will pick some up for bedtime, but we are going to work on it so that you are back to normal again, ok?” Jackie said coldly and unexpectedly.
I nodded, feeling my face blush. I felt more ashamed than I had in my whole life. [/i]
I set Bubba back down and shook the memory from my mind. I loved Jackie dearly, but those first few weeks were really rough.
I heard Paula gasp and looked over. She was looking through the dresser, pulling out old clothes that we used to wear. It was so weird looking at them once again. She giggled when she pulled out my pajamas, the ones that were one whole piece with a zipper and feet.
She pulled out shirts that we both giggled about, how ugly they were now but how cool they were then. When she got to the bottom drawer, she paused a moment.
I watched as she pulled out the stack of folded cloth diapers we had pooled our allowances together to buy when disposables became too expensive. She pulled out various plastic pants and giggled.
I could feel my face turning shades of red upon seeing these items. Paula looked at me and smiled, “I sure do miss those days.”
I nodded, not really sure how to answer. I missed those days too, but Jackie planted new notions into my head about diapers and Paula and so on. Was it really ok that I missed those days?
Paula set the items down and walked over to me. “Shellz, do you think that I ruined you because of our play time?”
I stopped and thought, did I think that? The thought of those days only brought a sense of love and security. But it also brought fear and a sense of filthiness. I wasn’t sure what emotions were logical and which were implanted in me.
“I don’t know Paula.” I said.
Paula looked down at the floor. I am sure she had the same thoughts as I did right now. But I was unsure how to talk about them.