Pulled: Please Delete
The mechanics of the story are good. My reaction was much like BabyAnna’s. David came off as a manipulative, controlling, abusive jackass. Celeste was no angel- I read her as whiny and immature. I couldn’t empathize with either of them. (To be clear, this is not an attack on the author. This is how I read the characters/ how the characters came off to me.)
Maybe that was the point of the story, and I’m simply not the target audience for the piece.
Or that might not be how the author intended the characters to be viewed. If this is the case, a remedy I’d recommend is adding some depth/ fleshing out the characters some more- show or tell us about some other aspects of the characters/ their relationship so we get to see and know more about them.
Kudos for having the balls to tackle a potentially touchy subject. I’m not going to comment on the political aspects, except to say when writing political/ socio-political stories, be careful of viewpoints/ balance. When things are out of balance, it can easily turn characters, etc into flat strawmen and detract from the quality of the story. Celeste/ what she represents is clearly the villain/ antagonist. But remember, the villain sees themselves as the hero of their own story/ believes what they’re doing is right.
As A Daddy, these two statements tell me instantly "My Little doesn’t trust me to top right now. call yellow. talk and reestablish the scene. The last thing I should do is dole out a punishment.
David is now the villain. Is that your intent?
from the sub POV, this royally scared me. And not in a sexy way. she just said no to a potentially public scene with no sign that its resistance as part of play. She even implies she’s willing to submit later, in privacy.
run from this guy. far and fast!
I laughed out loud. at no point did David show any effort to do any of this.
I can see what you are trying to do here with the politics but David is such a Villain that he makes me want to champion Celeste
That ending scene was definitely NOT an example of SSC BDSM play. It wasn’t even a good example of lifestyle BDSM behavior.
That said, I think it was just an error in execution. It reads similar to the 50 shades series, as someone inexperienced in BDSM trying to describe a fantasy/wish fulfillment scene.
It was absolutely written to read like fantasy/wish fulfillment. Perhaps even worse, it was written for fantasy/wish fulfillment for the specific person who requested the story. The entire scene is something that end to end would be wholly unacceptable in real life- it’s most certainly not intended to be an example for anyone to emulate (from either side). I didn’t anticipate that it would be interpreted anywhere close to that way or I wouldn’t have posted it. I’ve clearly completely misread the baseline assumptions in this community and made some people uncomfortable. I deeply apologize for that as it was most definitely not my intention. That being said, thank you all for taking the time to comment- as painful of a lesson as “know your audience” is it’s also an extremely important one.
Seeing as this story makes some members uncomfortable I’m going to pull it- thank you all again for taking the time to comment.
I posted my reactions to the characters to give the author feedback. Seeing how readers react to characters lets an author know if the characters are as the author intended them to be. As an author myself, that is some of my favorite feedback, hearing what readers think of my characters- if they like/dislike/loathe them and why. Because it lets me see if my aim with how I wanted them to be perceived was accurate or off the mark.
For an example from my own writing, I had a story with a serial killer as my main character. The first round was a mess- some people actually liked him! So I had to go back to the drawing board and rewrite a lot of it to make it match how I intended it to be.
We give constructive criticism not to make an author feel bad or guilty, but to help them improve. Your writing mechanics are solid, and that’s a great foundation for any writer. I hope you’ll keep writing and share your future stories with us.
There was no expression of discomfort on my part. I was just being real with you, as I am on any story I take the trouble to critique.
In a PM I used another story of yours as an example of a story that if I removed all the stories someone had issues with the we would have a lot less stories here in general.
It’s not everyone who has a dedicated database table just for tracking the removal requests for a single story, but a certain rather infamous one of yours has that privilege.
An entire database table just for one of my stories? I feel honored. Is it multiple complaints from a select few of the Butthurt Brigade or are random peops still getting salty over that particular setting + subject matter?
Both, actually. It’s just a list of every username/email address that complained, the date, the time, and whatever stupid reason they gave.
I actually have a separate table for the other stories. @Gummybear’s Nikki and Sarah stories are in that one a few times.
And yet none of them ever bother to comment publically. I assume they just whine about the subject matter instead of having any feedback for pacing, plot, etc.
Your guess is as good as mine on that. Not having a public contact form has drastically reduced the number of complaints I get though. Guess they really don’t want to attach their username to the complaints (i think most of the ones Clawdia and I recorded with usernames was only because they didn’t realize the contact form on the old software included the username if you were signed in )