Poem: On the Precipice of Solitude

Stories
#1

I stand on a cliff, the rubble breaks
it falls away
I can see it, I watch it dissolve into the ocean
Never again being what it once was
Never again being whole

My tears, they drip, drip, drip away with the rubble
Like the cliff, my soul is dissolving, breaking
It cracks in the center, creating four
Which one am I?

I see them, plain as day before me
One becomes four, but four are all one
do I fit? Am I one of them?
Or am I unformed?

Light cascades on the cliffside and I am alone
I am alone with myself and my other selves
One is young, one is old
One is nice, and one is cold

More pieces of the cliffside break away, or is it me breaking?
I cry out in pain, in anguish, in torment
Little speckles of black swarm me
They taunt me, they laugh at me, and they are familiar to me

I see my life in the black butterflies.
Things I’ve felt
Things I’ve seen
Things I’ve done.
Why must I be tormented?

The pressure is too great
It breaks, more and more it breaks and shatters
I break
The ghostly visage of myself in four wither away
And to the ocean I go, to the ocean I dissolve and disappear.

#2

Re: Poem: On the Precipice of Solitude

Poetry!
Can’t believe i didn’t see this when it first came up, Stories i don’t feel comfortable criticizing but Poetry is much more my thing.
Hmmm Good start, work a bit on the flow it keep bouncing between your inner monologue, for lack of a better term, and the cliff without a clear transition, it’s a bit jarring. Minimize your use of the direct first person when writing on dark theme. While the poem is technically about you, your emotions and so forth the point is to let the reader be transported to the where you are and see not you but him or herself. There are other things I could mention but I suspect they would disappear if you hammered out those two issues