On the Run Chapter 1

This is my first attempt at writinga story,so be kind with comments and pointing out typos and errors please.
I have 5 chapters written so far and working on more,I will post them one at a time

ON the RUN
©2017
CHAPTER 1

Joe Thornton grew up not far from Detroit, he was a not spectacular student but capable, he was more interesting in partying and drinking to get more than OK grades. But when he left school his father who always wanted him to be a doctor like him, got him into a Pharmacy technician course at the university. He started off well even seemed to have an aptitude for it, but the temptations of being away from home, and no restrictions put on him grew too strong and soon he was skipping classes, failing to complete assignments, and getting wasted on booze pot and whatever else he could get my hands on.
He started doing a little dealing to fund his lifestyle, which soon became a lot of dealing, but he got greedy and drew the attention of the cops,then the fatal night when a 17 yr kid he had supplied with some speed ran his car off the side of a mountain and died. And he turned out to be the son of a local councilman.
Well the judge handed him down a 6 year term ,and not easy time. Prison was hard the first few months he thought he would either get killed or kill himself, but then he met Jeremy, Jeremy was an old timer doing life and everyone either respected or feared him. Joe was in the gym playing some hoops, and Jeremy was with his boys lifting weights when he suddenly collapsed to the floor .His crew panicked and were calling for a guard. Joe recognized the signs of a heart attack and ran over and gave CPR and long story short he saved his life or so Jeremy kept telling him after.
When Jeremy returned from the hospital, he took Joe under his wing and taught him many things over the next few years, bypassing alarms, opening safes, changing identities, a full criminal university course.
When he was released he was a 28 year old ex con,so work was hard to find and his parole officer rode him hard, but it was in his office he met Amber
She glared at him as he stared at her, trying to guess her age, she was barely much over 4 feet even in her platform heels, her dark lank hair hanging down straight. A black leather jacket over a white tee, and jeans, if it was not for her breasts she could have been 12 or younger.
“Sorry ,so what are you in for?, stealing the principals car?” Joe said trying humour
“Very funny smart guy,…I am on bail awaiting trial, they said I did some break-ins,and my stupid boyfriend didn’t tell me there was an alarm system the jerk was nowhere when the cops busted me, I am so done with him “she scowled
“As soon as I can get enough cash I am blowing this town, I don’t plan on going to jail”
“Well I can see how breaking in to places would be your forte” Joe said
She looked daggers at him “What do you mean by that??”
“Hey, don’t get mad, its just you are small so getting in places a hulk like me could never fit”
Joe smiled at her as while he was in good shape, at 5’10” and 160lb I was no hulk, but compared to her he was.

“I’m Joe by the way……….” he said
“Amber” she replied
Just then Joe was called into the parole officers office where he was ran over the coals for this that and everything, and the parole officer as much as told him he was going to see Joe back inside as the councilman’s friends had a long memory.
Joe left the office and walked past Amber in silence and went down the building stairs realizing he was screwed, he had to run, go where they won’t find him.
On the street he started thinking about running, Amber and what an opportunity she presented.
He turned back and bought a coffee and sat and watched the office building doorway till he saw her come out
He approached her, and she looked at him suspiciously

“Amber, do you want to go get a drink? I have a proposition for you”

She gave him a dirty look and said “ I aint no hooker go try on the street corner!!”

“No I have an idea that could get us both out of the line of fire of the court and the cops, just give me 5 minutes somewhere less public, there is a bar down the street I know”
She looked at him skeptically “well ok,but make it the diner opposite ,bars I get asked for ID, and it pisses me off”
“Well I can understand why, both why they ID you, and why it must annoy you”
In the diner he told her his plan, that they both needed to escape and that together they would make a good team, he explained that he knew alarms systems, and the biggest weakness they had was that they were designed to keep people out, if you were inside disabling them was easy. That Joe would teach her. She would get in some way, either through vents or small windows. Even go in during day and hide till night, then disable the alarm and let him in, then he could open safes, or just rob the place,
Joe had the contacts to fence stuff ,get new identities, so they would never get caught, he had some money ,enough to get them out of town, and tide them over till they were ready to go to work.
Over the next 30 minutes they discussed what to do, where to go, and eventually she agreed

Re: On the Run Chapter 1

I love the premise. I’ve only seen the idea of criminals on the run used a few times and it’s been a while. So kudos on being bold and going with an original idea. We like that around here.

That said, you need to slow your roll. Plot wise it seems like you’ve got your game plan thought out overall. That’s a very good start. You need to slow your pacing down. This reads like a story synopsis or a story summary. This would fall under author’s notes. A pre-writing game plan.

The majority is summary, when it should be in scene. Slow down. Flesh things out- use characterization and setting. Don’t tell us who the characters are- let them show us. Bring the readers into your fictional world. You scratched at this a little bit when you had them talking and when you described the girl. Expand on that. :slight_smile:

Re: On the Run Chapter 1

Thank you this is my first attempt at writing and I know I have some way to go in many areas,I have hed the idea and general story arc in my head for some time. I wrote the first few chapters and after seeking some help with editing etc .and getting little feed back.
My problem…well ONE of threm anyway ,is I am a slow terrible typist,I write as stream of thought then go back and fix.But every time I go through a completed chapter I find more things wrong,run on sentences etc.Also I tend to write myself into a hole,then dig another hole to get out LOL

I understand now why I see so many people saying they are seeking co writers or editors!!
I will continue to post the chapters I have written and hope someone enjoys them as much as I did writing them.

[QUOTE=Cute-Kitten;68154]I love the premise. I’ve only seen the idea of criminals on the run used a few times and it’s been a while. So kudos on being bold and going with an original idea. We like that around here.

That said, you need to slow your roll. Plot wise it seems like you’ve got your game plan thought out overall. That’s a very good start. You need to slow your pacing down. This reads like a story synopsis or a story summary. This would fall under author’s notes. A pre-writing game plan.

The majority is summary, when it should be in scene. Slow down. Flesh things out- use characterization and setting. Don’t tell us who the characters are- let them show us. Bring the readers into your fictional world. You scratched at this a little bit when you had them talking and when you described the girl. Expand on that. :)[/QUOTE]

Re: On the Run Chapter 1

[QUOTE=khrissi;68158]Thank you this is my first attempt at writing and I know I have some way to go in many areas,I have hed the idea and general story arc in my head for some time. I wrote the first few chapters and after seeking some help with editing etc .and getting little feed back.
My problem…well ONE of threm anyway ,is I am a slow terrible typist,I write as stream of thought then go back and fix.But every time I go through a completed chapter I find more things wrong,run on sentences etc.Also I tend to write myself into a hole,then dig another hole to get out LOL

I understand now why I see so many people saying they are seeking co writers or editors!!
I will continue to post the chapters I have written and hope someone enjoys them as much as I did writing them.[/QUOTE]

This is all well and good, khrissi, as far as it goes. But you are also posting this story to a board full of people who are willing to offer (and in fact are offering) specific critiques and help to you. By your own (repeated) acknowledgement, you are new at this stuff and prone to errors. No problem there, but why continue to rush ahead instead of taking freely given advice and reworking what you’ve done? A cardinal rule of composition is that writing is rewriting; good writers tend to spend more time on revision than on getting the ideas out in the first place. (I have one 140K word novel I have now completely rewritten nine times, along with multiple minor edits.) When you say that you “will continue to post the chapters (you) have written and hope someone enjoys them,” it seems as if you really don’t care for or about the feedback that much. But seriously: that is what this board is for. It’s not only about “fixing” errors either; it’s about much more significant things like what Cute-Kitten was discussing above.

For me, I spent nearly four decades teaching (among other things) creative writing. And one of the things I did with my students was this: unless the mistakes were egregious, I didn’t even bother with them until draft three or so, since they most likely wouldn’t survive to the final draft anyway. The only exception was in circumstances such as I found with your drafts, when pointing something out would help teach a basic concept that the writer clearly needed to know. (In case you’re wondering, it was not unusual for my students to do 6-10 drafts of any given piece, and I recall that one girl did 36 totally needed drafts, with a total revision ​in draft 33, just two days before it was due. She never could have arrived at that point without all of the work that had led her there, but because of it, what she ended up with was excellent.) There are lots of folks here offering good advice. Listen; don’t listen: your call. But continuing to post chapters without making any effort to revise anything (even the new ones) based on feedback just seems (frankly) a bit rude.

Re: On the Run Chapter 1

I’ve read ahead, and I’m enjoying this so far, but I do have one strong piece of advice. You’ve started at the wrong place!

Open your favorite book/short story, and you’ll find that opening paragraphs tend to establish tone, conflict, and themes. This is true even with surprising stories, like The Lottery! In a good story, the first paragraph and first page form a promise to the reader, telling them: “This is what my story offers”.

Here, your first four paragraphs explain Joe’s background as a criminal. From this, I take the following cues: The tone is hard-bitten. The theme of the story is Joe being downtrodden. The conflict is Joe trying to surivive. So basically, your opening misleads the reader. Obviously, given the forum, the reader will understand this isn’t actually a hardbitten crime-novel. But you’ve missed the opportunity to “sell yourself” to the reader.

Joe’s background story should be shuffled to the second section, or incorporated into the flow of the story. A better first section would start something like this:

When I first met Amber, I had trouble guessing her age. She was barely much over 4 feet even in her platform heels, her dark lank hair hanging down straight. A black leather jacket over a white tee, and jeans, if it was not for her breasts she could have been 12 or younger. She was my partner in crime, tough as nails despite her looks. I always had trouble seeing her this way, though, and thought she was too cute for this line of work. Little did I know she’d soon be calling me “daddy”.

That’s a little hamfisted, but I cobbled it together to demonstrate the point. In this opening: The tone is indulgent (I don’t know what tone you want, this is just an example). The theme is a gap in maturity. The conflict is criminal life leading to Amber’s mental regression. There is a promise to the reader, which helps them decide whether to keep reading or not.

Good luck with the rest of the story!

Re: On the Run Chapter 1

Thank you,I am enjoying writing this,its the editing and looking for errors I hate LOL Yes I think you may be right about the start,but it really was more prologue than chapter 1 in a way
I have wante dto write a story for a long time,and it may be a mistake to have strarted with a looooong one. I posted the first 2 chapters to a another site,in drafts section for feedback and got some ,like originally it was done in 1st person and I was undecided,but after being told it was best to change it ,I did to 3rd person (I saw comment that made me suspect i did not get all the 1st person out though.)
I will keep posting cahpters…as I have got some nice compimentry messages about it.
When is is complete maybe then it can be put all in one book/story/ and revised.