draft one removed

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A great start, it shows promise. Only a few minor typos, you used some words that sound alike but mean different things (e.g. “new” instead of “knew”, etc.) but they were few and far between. Keep it up.

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Thanks. I’ll make a more careful proof read in the future.

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'twas a good read. but i do wish that you would have mentioned jenny’s diapers a bit earlier, instead of springing them in out of nowhere. i also feel like there should have been a chapter before this explaining the situation. unless you are planning on doing this star wars style haha.

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This was a pretty good start. It really hasn’t explained enough yet to understand what is going on with the story and there are a few parts that were a bit confusing. Like How Aunt Sarah couldn’t know who Jenny was. If Aung Sarah was close enough to the family for them to go and move in with her, then you would expect she would at least have heard that Rachelle had a six year old child. Add to that, Aunt Sara knew that both needed diapers and was prepared for their arivial with what they needed.

I will be looking forward to seeing how this plays out.

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to usmarine, i will explain the situation further along so don’t worry. and sorry for the diaper sniping. To back ground, thanks i missed that. sometimes i just get in a writing mode and things don’t mesh because my thoughts are vomiting on to the page. Ill fix that continuity problem and re post with the next installment. and for usmarine ill go back and eliminate his issue too.

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Draft 2 plus new chapter

Innocence Lost
The half open front door should have been an indication that something was amiss. However human nature won out and investigation became necessary. A very careful sweep of the living room revealed no intruders. Likewise the dinning room was cleared. A sigh of relief turned into a gasp of horror as the note on the fridge became apparent.

Remember what I said would happen if you tried to leave? Well you weren’t home so I found a substitute. Next time you should listen.

A frantic dash upstairs led to a sickening discovery. The next few moments were a blur of phone calls, mad dashes from empty school pick up lines and flashing lights. Statements were given, evidence collected and hotel reservations made. All that was left was to wait.

When it came, The news was bitter sweet. A life was saved, but it was forever changed. A suggestion was made. “Not an option” they said. So the months went by with out a change. The vigil never waned. Until one day in December, when the world grew brighter.

Rachelle opened her eyes to a strange room. The lights were to bright, the smells foreign and the sounds strange. As she came to, she became aware of an object running down her throat. That scared her. she scrambled to pull it out and discovered more things that were attached to her. The next few moments were frantic with removing objects meant to help, but to her mind were a danger. Now in a full blown panic, Rachelle bolted from the room. She felt the one thing she missed tear loose and stumbled into a hall filled with movement.

She stood there overwhelmed. Her frantic mind could not process all the information it was receiving. Rachelle was now in a full blown panic attack. Her body began a process that would increase the odds of her survival. She was unaware of this, however and could do nothing but hide in a corner and cry. Suddenly familiar arms enveloped her.

“Shush, its ok mommy’s here. I’ve got you.” The comforting words repeated over and over did their job. The little girl began to quiet. She melted into her mommy’s embrace. Her brain sent the all’s well signal and her body began to slow, but the process was to far gone to cease. Fluid rushed from her body and the cramps began.

After a moment of confusion, her mother carried her to the waiting gurney. “These nice ladies are going to help you sweetie. Don’t worry I’ll be right here the entire time.”
The girl was confused “What’s going on mommy?”
“You have something inside you that needs…wants to come out.”

Who knew the impact “that something” would make.

Sun light traveled along a wall, highlighting six years of life. Happiness captured forever in a wooden frame. Soon the wall would be bare, the echos of life would fade to be replaced by new ones. Rachelle sighed and began taking the pictures from the wall. She had saved this painful task for last; not because of the emotions it raised, but because she did not want to walk passed an empty wall while moving out of the house. The last frame found its home and Rachelle closed the box.

Outside she placed it on the covered bed of her truck. She took a moment to survey the other occupants of that space. Two suitcases, one small and bedazzled with princesses and the other large and purple, were in front for easy access. Behind them nestled various boxes labeled clothes, books, toys, games and now the new box: memories. Satisfied that every thing was secure, Rachelle closed the hatch.

Behind her a car horn, sounded. A door opened and Rachelle knelt down to receive a very excited bundle of polyester and cotton. “Mommy! Mommy! I made C’s, I made C’s”
“You made all C’s on your tests?” The little girl nodded, as did the adult who brought over a pink buster seat. Rachelle pulled her daughter close once more. “Oh Jenny, I’m so proud of you. I knew you could do it! Let’s get you settled and if your good we might get a treat.”

After the six year old was safely in her seat, Rachelle walked the babysitter back to her car and retrieved a pink diaper bag. “Thank you for watching Jennifer and getting her to school, Mrs. Farmer. I don’t know what I would have done if we hadn’t met you.” Mrs. Farmer gently pushed the offered money away. “It was no trubble, in fact I should pay you for allowing me to watch her. She is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. Oh and speaking of money…” The woman pulled an envelope out of her coat. “The Church took up a collection for you.” Now it was Rachelle’s turn to make a refusal. “That’s very generous but i couldn’t possibly…”
“Look I know you don’t like the thought of owing someone. I understand, I was sixteen once. However you have Jenni to think of and they wanted to help. Its ok to want to support yourself, but sometimes you need a little extra.” Rachelle gently took the envelope. “I don’t understand why you’d do this, but thanks.”

Farmer got in her car. “I truly hope that when you get to Colorado, there will be someone who has more time with you and can answer your questions. We’ll be praying for you.”

Rachelle watched as the car reversed and was gone. After a few seconds she got in the truck, made sure that Jenni was securely fastened in and followed Mrs. Farmer’s example. She only made two stops before leaving town. The first was to get slushies from Sonic and the last was to say good bye to her parents.

Jenni didn’t want to leave the car so Rachelle went alone. The air was crisp and the wind was barely stopped by her coat. She only stayed long enough to place the flowers upright and brush the snow off the stones. Then she was back in her truck and on the way to Colorado.

The drive through Virginia was largely uneventful, with only one frantic bathroom dash at a rest area, and they stopped for the night at a little place near Roanoke Rapids, North Carolina. After changing Jenny and putting her to bed, Rachelle decided to open the envelope Mrs. Farmer gave her. Inside nestled a packet of bills, three checks and a letter.

The letter was short and consisted of encouragement, the promise of prayer, the name of an app if she needed questions answered and a phone number to call if the app didn’t help. Surprisingly the only name that was not her’s, was connected to the number. There was no list of contributors, no veiled suggestion of reimbursement. The letter was simply signed from your Church family.

Rachelle counted the money and couldn’t help but tear up. She new that her town wasn’t the most well off, but still the congregation had managed to raise over two-thousand dollars to help her get settled and take care of Jenny. There was something to this religion, well at leased Rachelle saw what had drawn her mother to it. Most of the followers were really loving people. Maybe she was wrong to base her view on just one experience.

She yawned. That was a thought for another day. The money was dispersed between the bags and her purse and was exchanged for her nightwear. Among the normal articles of top and bottoms was Rachelle’s one embarassing secrete, her diapers. They had become a night time nessecity a few months after Jenny was born. With practiced speed she put them on and climed into bed. A few minutes latter she joined her daughter in slumber.

The next few days passed relatively the same. The daylight hours spent driving across states, stopping only for food, gas, restrooms and random attractions the six year old found interesting. The nights were spent in cheap motels or in the truck at camp grounds if no other accommodation was available.

Rachelle was worn out by the time the Rockies filled the horizon. She wished she had the capacity to sleep anywhere like Jenny, who was currently chasing Zs behind her. Unfortunately the last two nightly stays had been in areas, too sketchy for comfort and Rachelle’s sleep had suffered. She almost missed her turn due to nodding and correctly decided to pull over. As luck would have it, there was a small hotel not to far from her rout.
The room was a bit higher in price than she expected, so the money from her mom’s church got its first use. Jenny for her part was soon asleep again, curled up on top of one of the beds. Rachelle on the other hand, despite her fatigue, took longer to follow. Her mind was to active to shut down. Eventually she managed to quiet her thoughts an finally drifted off.

Something woke her. She sat up in bed and looked over at Jenni. After a mini heart attack at not finding her in bed, Rachelle saw the little girl by the window. “Jenni, what are you looking at?”
“Something wrong. No feeling.” It took a moment for Rachelle to realize what her daughter talking about. “You can’t feel any thing?”

“No, they don’t.” Jenny pointed out the window. Rachelle went over to see what Jenny was pointing at. Down in the parking lot, a boy and a girl were walking into the building. It was then that Rachelle realized what Jenny was talking about. unlike most of the people she met or saw, these two gave up no indication of what they were thinking. That must’ve been what woke her, the silence. the same thing must’ve been what woke Jenny, but with feeling instead of thought.

Rochelle and Jenny had spent the past six years getting used to the fact that other people’s thoughts and emotions, could become theirs as well. Whenever had caused these strange powers was a mystery. What they did know, was that the powers were here to stay. So to find two points of silence was confusing. Rochelle tried to focus on the newcomers, but suddenly found herself too sleepy to try. She sank down into a chair and Jenny curled up in her lap. Soon they were fast asleep.

The sun was high when they awoke. One glance at the clock began a frantic rush to get changed and on the road. They had over slept. Twenty minutes later they were back on the road and soon came to the turnoff that led to Rachelle’s Aunt.

They followed the road up a mountain. The sharp turns and threat of a very nasty fall, despite the guardrail, made Rachelle glad she had some extra sleep and all wheel drive. The road eventually evened out and the mountain on their left fell away to reveal a lush valley. “We going?” Jenny asked pointing out the window at a small town just visible between the trees.

“Yes sweetheart, that’s where Aunt Sarah lives.”
“Nice Place”
“We’ll see soon enough.”

Rachelle merged onto the exit and began to descend. She felt the road change from national standard to county maintained, prompting her to turn on the all wheel drive again. The town was not far away and was very small, so it was not long before they found Aunt Sarah’s Bed, Breakfast and bakery.

Rachelle turned around and looked at Jenny. “Now Jennifer, remember that while we’re here you’re my sister, okay?” Jenny new that when her mommy used her full name, she was telling her something important “Otay sissy, but no like lying.” Rachelle nodded “I know, I wish we didn’t have to, but we don’t want to be found do we?” The little girl shook head emphatically “no”

“Good, Now lets go say hi to Aunt Sarah” Rachelle helped her daughter down from the cab and led her to the door. It was opened by a plum Asian woman who immediately smothered Rachelle in an embrace. “Rachelle-Chan its so good to see you! I was so sorry to hear about Jade and Sam and even sorrier to miss the funeral.”

“Its okay Obasan. I understood why you couldn’t make it” Rachelle gently extricated herself and nudged Jenny forward. “And this must be Jenny. How are you little one?” Aunt Sarah said as she keeled down to the six year-old’s height. “I fine ob- ob- grrr” The little girl stomped her foot in frustration. “I can’t say.”

“Its okay little one. There’s is no need for formality.” Jenny calmed as she too was embraced. Aunt Sarah took a sniff. “I think someone needs a change.” The little girl, turned red. Rachelle pulled the back of Jenny’s shorts out check the waistband of the girls diaper. “You’re right. I’ll get her stuff from the car.” Her Aunt stopped her. “Time for that later, I have every thing inside to get you both cleaned up.” Now it was Rachelle’s turn to blush. “Oba! I only need them at night.” Her reaction caused Jenny to giggle “Oh, well if you wan’t to wear them more often I wont stop you.” With that Aunt Sarah took Jenny inside, leaving a very confused and embarrassed Rachelle standing in the parking lot.

After a few moments she came to her self and began unloading her truck. Most of the contents were stacked neatly beside the bed, when she heard a car pull in and park a few spaces down from her. Some one got out and walked over to her. “Excuse me Miss.” Rachelle turned and felt her heart flutter. The young man before her was, well insanely attractive. “Uh yes?”

“Do you know as to where one would inquire as to who owns that house up on the hill?”

“Sorry I don’t. I just got here myself.”

“Ah, well then may I assist you in bringing your luggage in doors?”

“Sure, I could use the help.”

It only took a few moments to bring everything inside and, with Aunt Sarah’s direction, get them placed in Rachelle and Jenny’s room. Rachelle walked her mysterious helper to the door. “Thanks for your help, Mr…”

“Stone, Robert Stone and it was a pleasure.”

“Likewise. Um… I hope you have good luck finding out the answer to your question.”

“Indeed it seems that luck is with me today.”

“How so?”

“I am a stranger here as are you. It is my luck that I was able to help someone so beautiful both inside and out. Good day Madam.” Robert made a gesture like tipping a hat, turned and was gone. Once again leaving Rachelle standing bewildered and confused. After a few minutes she turned and went upstairs, there was a lot to unpack.


As it turned out, no one owned the house on the hill. The manor had been built so long ago that by the time the original owners finally faded away, they owned the land, the building itself and their own hydroelectric plant. It was really simple to find the records room and convince the lady to turn the house and grounds over. All in all it was one of the easiest thirty minute periods Robert had ever spent, which is pretty impressive since he had two hundred years worth of minutes committed to memory. After one last stop to retrieve his sister, Elizabeth, he drove up to the house.

As they drove up approach to the house, Elizabeth voiced her disdain from the back seat. “We’re staying there? It looks ready to collapse.” Robert smiled, “It is supposed to, dear Sister. It was built that way to deter squatters and the plan appears to have worked. The inside is a lot nicer, trust me.” He drove up to the gate and, with a wave, sent an electric charge into the ancient motor. It opened slowly at first, but it began to pick up speed. When the opening was wide enough, Robert drove through and closed the gate behind him.

He drove up to a seemingly seamless wall. To Elizabeth’s surprise once the car passed over what felt like a bump, the “wall” folded up like a modern garage door. “How did you hide all these inventions from the humans?” Robert got out and manually closed the door behind them. "With extreme precaution, secrecy and a little bit of mind tweaking. " He produced a key and unlocked the door that led into the house itself.

The inside was nothing like what was inferred from the outside. The garage opened into mud room connected to a kitchen. Beyond the kitchen was the main hall. A gilded Grand Staircase led from the hall up to a second floor, which housed the rooms. Elizabeth caught her self gaping. Robert stepped behind her. “Impressive is it not?” Elizabeth turned to her brother and for a moment was a little kid again. “Can I go exploring? Please, please, please can I go?” she asked, bouncing up and down. Robert chuckled “Of course, just refrain from leaving the grounds.” With an exited “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Elizabeth bolted off.

Robert spent the next three hours going over the house with a fine toothed comb. He mentally cataloged every thing that had not stood up to the test of time. Most of the house and grounds just needed a good dusting and touching up. However the water-wheel was a loss and some of the wiring had to be refurbished. As for unwelcome guests, well the smell of Vampires is enough to keep even cockroaches away.

As he finished dusting off a painting, depicting something his mother had found interesting, he felt Elizabeth’s happy demeanor change. He turned and was instantly at her side. Facing them across an overgrown pasture, was a giant, black wolf. “Stay behind me, he’s too big for you.”
She consented and stepped back, retracting her talons. “He made me leak on my new dress.” Robert glanced back and surveyed the damage. She had been knocked on her rear before her body had reacted. "“It will dry. Now let me deal with our guest.”

The wolf at this moment decided to spring, thinking Robert distracted. Instead of the rewarding crunch of bone, it received a mouth-full of lightning. The bolt knocked the wolf back a good ten feet. It stood shakily onto its hind-feet and shrunk down into a man. It wasn’t much of a size change as the man could easily grapple a bear with a good chance of winning. When he spoke, it was with a German brogue “What are you?”

Robbert was annoyed. “You know full well what I am, dog. Now the real question is ‘why are you on my land?’ please tell me before I let my sister loose. She is a bit upset about her dress.”

“You just told her I was too big.”

“Can you morph faster than her strike?”

“Good point. Well to answer your question, I was sent to kill you. However I think we have met before, your sent is familiar.”

“Where could we possibly have met and left each other unsca-” Robert stopped, because at that moment the wind shifted. It brought the werewolf’s scent to him and sparked a memory. A battle ground muddy and cratered, a dieing man in a foxhole, a man whose uniform did not match his own. Robert had saved that man, patched him up before fleeing the wounded man’s allies. Then the name came. “Zachariah Verisure”

“Good to see you again, Her Stein.”

“Like wise, my friend. I hope the shock was not to terrible.”

“Not at all. It just caught me of guard.”

The two friends embraced laughing and catching up. Elizabeth was confused. First they were ready to kill one another, then they were friends? What was going on? “Um excuse me. What just happened? You were like at each other’s throats and now its like a frat reunion party. What gives?”

Robert turned. “Forgive my lack of manners. Zack, this is my sister Elizabeth. Elizabeth this is Zack Verisure, an old friend from the Western Front.” Zack bowed in greeting. “A pleasure to meet you fair lady. Apologies for startling you earlier, I did not realize who you were.” Elizabeth returned the bow with a curtsy. The reaction was automatic, but she was starting to come around. “Apology accepted, but weren’t you about to kill us?” Zack pondered this for a minute. " Its true I was hired to kill you, but I think the Council will believe I succeed after receiving a gift of ash. Just lay low for a while, I’ll make sure the packs leave you two alone."

Zack and Robert shook hands. “Thanks Zack and if you need anything, just howl” Zack nodded, turned and ran off, transforming halfway to the tree line.

Elizabeth looked at her brother, incredulously. “If you need anything, just howl?” Robert smiled “I guess that was a bit cheesy, was it not?” She nodded, making a hand gesture to emphasize her response. “Just a little bit.”

Robert looked at the darkening sky. “We should get back inside before the packs come out. It will take awhile for Zack to convince them we are friendly and I would like to start our stay in good standing with the locals.” Elizabeth took his hand. “That’s usually a good idea.”

They teleported back into the house and Robert carried her up the stairs. They entered a room filled with a menagerie of antique toys, eight bed frames, a padded table along one wall, and the newest addition, a white rose wood coffin. As Elizabeth was set down, she asked “When did we get that?”

“I got it from a friend in Denver while you were playing in the woods. Like it?”

“I love it.” Elizabeth doffed her dress, leaving herself clad in only a soaked diaper, and hopped up on to the table. “Change me please.” Robert dropped the dress down a laundry chute and began the process of cleaning his sister. Although he found it strange that an Offspring would choose to remain incontinent, he didn’t mind. Diapers made Elizabeth happy and anything that would stave off a tantrum was a good thing.

He finished and she hopped down and put on her pajamas, before crawling into the coffin. “I like pretending to be human, can we do it more often. Like after the Council has calmed down and we don’t need to hide?” Robbert chuckled “We have all eternity sister mine. If you want to keep to this cycle I will not stop you.” She mumbled a sleepy “thank you” and closed her eyes.

Robert gently lowered the lid and stepped out of the room. He silently wished that the ability to shut down was still with him. Alas after two hundred years, the only things he still had of his human life were emotion and a soul. The latter he struggled every day to keep. He felt a vibration in his pocket and pulled out a cellphone. “This is Stone.” The voice on the other end was distorted and metallic, but still audible. “We have confirmation that the pedophile known as ‘the Candy-man’ is in Denver. SARDIS out.”

Robert returned the phone back to his pocket. The reconnaissance satellite he had “borrowed” many years ago had come through again. When ever the Fed’s or local law enforcement couldn’t catch someone, Robert tasked SARDIS with finding them. Augmented with vampire ingenuity, its gaze was inescapable. Tonight there would be one less monster in the world.

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huh… i didn’t really foresee this one ending up a scifi, but i do still like it. good job patching up the errors. i did notice that you missed a word in the part where they first meet Aunt Sarah. paragraph as follows.

“Its okay little one. There’s is no need for formality.” Jenny calmed as she too was embraced. Aunt Sarah took a sniff. “I think someone needs a change.” The little girl, turned red. Rachelle pulled the back of Jenny’s shorts out check the waistband of the girls diaper. “You’re I’ll get her stuff from the car.” Her Aunt stopped her. “Time for that later, I have every thing inside to get you both cleaned up.” Now it was Rachelle’s turn to blush. “Oba! I only need them at night.” Her reaction caused Jenny to giggle “Oh, well if you wan’t to wear them more often I wont stop you.” With that Aunt Sarah took Jenny inside, leaving a very confused and embarrassed Rachelle standing in the parking lot.

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This took a turn I had never expected. Still it is written well and has my attention. I will look forward to more.