New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

This is my next story; I would like a fair shot this time. I think that I have done a good introduction and a good basis for the rest of the story. Please be fair and impartial to this and give me a chance to finish this story.
Thank-you very much
Bobby.

Melissa
Melissa was pacing back and forth in her room. She was sweating and becoming very nervous because she knew that her mother furious with her, the 5’8, 21 year sophomore in college just sat down on her bed and continued to sweat. She had recently found out that her mother had hacked into her MySpace and facebook account and she had seen the photos of her daughter partying and getting drunk during spring break at school and in Cabo San Lucas with her friends Sharon, Amy, and Jennie.

The photos and the drinking did not bother her as much as her daughter’s status on each of these websites. Melissa had set her status on both sites to lesbian and this is what set her mother ablaze. Melissa was going to leave her room and she reached the door and it opened and hit her in the chest. She peeked around the corner and saw that her mother was trying to get into her room. She backed off and sat back down on her bed. Her mom came in the room and shut the door behind her.
“Melissa, we need to talk.” She said.
Melissa said, “About what, you were the one who hacked my MySpace and Facebook and you’re the one flipping out about one little word.”
Her mother replied, “Yes, Melissa I am very upset at the word, I thought I raised you right.” “I always have known that you were not a lesbian, not my daughter.”
Melissa replied, “Well, MOM, I guess you’re going to have to get use to it.” She then pushed past her mother and walked out the door to meet her girlfriends at the mall.

Her mother opened the window to her daughter’s room and yelled at her daughter as she was getting into her car, “Melissa, don’t ever come back to this house again. I don’t have a daughter anymore!!!” and she shut the window. Melissa started to cry and she got into the car and drove away. Melissa’s mom shut the window and she went downstairs to make herself something to eat.

When Melissa got to the mall, she was still crying and she saw her friends and she walked up to them. Her friend, Sharon, said, “Melissa, what’s wrong?” Melissa said, “My mom found out that I am a lesbian and she yelled out the window that I am not her daughter any more.” Melissa continued to sob and all of her friends hugged her.
Amy said, “Melissa, it will be alright, I’m sure your mom is blowing off some steam, I’m sure that your mom will calm down and come to her senses.”
Melissa said, “You’re right, she will calm down, let’s just go shopping.”

The girls then walked into the mall and went to their favorite store, Victoria Secret.

A couple of hours later, Melissa’s cell phone rang and she looked at it and saw that her mother was calling. She picked up the phone and said:
“Hello, mom?”
Her mother said, “Uh, Melissa, I am sorry about what I said, I want you to come home and we can discuss this rationally.”
Melissa said, “Okay, mom, I’ll be right there, okay bye
Her mom said, “Okay, bye, I love you very much.”
Amy heard the conversation and said, “You see, Melissa, I told you it would be okay.”
Melissa said, ‘’ you’re right, Amy, I am going to go home and talk with my mom, see you guys later.” Melissa then left the mall and drove home to talk with her mom.
When Melissa got home, she saw that the light was on in the kitchen and she walked into the house. She saw that in the kitchen was a cup of hot chocolate, which was her favorite drink of all time, and a note was attached to it.
The note read, " Melissa, I am sorry about the fight, I made you your favorite drink and you can drink it now and we will talk in the morning, so drink your drink, and go to sleep, I will see you in the morning. I love you very much. Good Night,"
Melissa thought to herself, “I love you too mom, good night,”

Melissa picked the cup up and drank the entire hot beverage that was left out for her and she went upstairs to her room. She saw that her mother’s light was off, so she went into her room and finished her drink and went to sleep.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

Wow the mother sure was a bitch for being intolerant of lesbians. Now I wonder what is coming? Let me guess, she wants to raise her daughter all over again so she forces her to regress to a baby.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

The mother was grow in age when that was wrong to say ,or do . She didn’t know what her daughter ar all. Do have another part to the story.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

I would like to think that we’re always fair.

This was okay, though this line got me:

The girls then walked into the mall and went to their favorite store, Victoria Secret.

It would be, wouldn’t it?

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

Since when aren’t we impartial… Anyway. One UNBIASED, IMPARTIAL, FAIR, ACCURATE & SINCERE commentary coming up:

This story is just BAD. Bad cliche, bad English, bad punctuation, bad grammar, bad plot AND character introduction, awkward narration, illogical section breaks…about the only thing that’s OK is that you used a spell checker.

But, as Victoriah said, it IS an improvement from your previous efforts - although, as said before, it’s shaping out to be pretty cliched.

This chapter is too rushed. There’s no real introduction into character. Melissa and her mom both come across as WACKO. As Vic said, Melissa has a confrontation with her mom, storms out of the house, gets forcibly evicted, meets her girlfriends, cries a bit…then happily goes SHOPPING? Even for retail therapy, that’s a bit much. And the mom - her daughter just affirmed she’s lesbian and stormed out of the house, she just kicked the daughter out - and then she goes and makes herself a nice meal? Even if someone binge eats, they do it on chocolate, or chips -unhealthy, instant food- not cook something up!

That is just ONE of MANY. If you want us to be REALLY fair and unbiased, and get compliments, either have:

a) A Good plot
b) Write well
c) Both

Victoriah and Nemo are REALLY being nice in saying this was OK. Unless they’re comparing it to your previous standard, in which case this IS pretty good.

Anyway, if you can’t take what people say when they’re being honest; and if you’re looking for compassion, sympathy, peace, love, and pats on the head, PLEASE don’t finish this story. There will never be improvement if you don’t accept criticism positively, and in that case, people are going to hate reading this.

If you DO intend to continue, PLEASE write better. Although it looks horribly cliched at the moment, you CAN make it nice if the writing is good (as someone said on another thread).

Either way, keep on improving. You still have some ways to go, but really this is not as bad as your previous efforts.

P.S. The name is “Victoria’s Secret”.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

I can tell that you are improving, for a short intro of 750 words you gave us a basic idea of Melissa.

My spell checker only caught one phrase that could be re worded but there is the part about the :'s: missing on Victoria’s Secret store

::“My mom found out that I am a lesbian and she yelled out the window that I am not her daughter any more.” This would read better anymore was one word not two::

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

I wouldn’t say that this is good, but it is a definite improvement. It seems like you put more effort into this than you did with your earlier attempts, particularly with regard to characterization. You also avoided rushing the diaper content, which is a plus.

That being said, the dialogue is a problem. As Vickie pointed out, it doesn’t ring true. Part of the problem, as was mentioned, is that there’s a disconnect between the confrontation and the conversations that follow. But another part of the problem is syntax. The way you have it written now seems very flat.

Let’s look at this for example:

Melissa said, “About what, you were the one who hacked my MySpace and Facebook and you’re the one flipping out about one little word.”
Her mother replied, “Yes, Melissa I am very upset at the word, I thought I raised you right.” “I always have known that you were not a lesbian, not my daughter.”

This should be a tense moment, but none of that tension is conveyed because of how these characters talk to one another. The long, breatheless exchanges don’t allow any room for emotion. The delivery seems robotic.

Contrast that with this:

“About what?!” Melissa snapped. “You’re the one who hacked my MySpace and Facebook. You’re the one flipping out over one little word.”

“I am very upset about that word,” her mother replied. Shaking her head, she added, “I thought I raised you right. I’ve always known you were not a lesbian. Not my daughter.”

The word choice is very similar, but the dialogue sounds a lot more natural broken up. Further, the use of gesture elevates the emotional pitch.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

Even detail as small as that little patch of italics has such a profound effect upon delivery that one can re-read an entire paragraph without recognition.

Moreover, as has arisen in a recent story, if you repeat a word, using it with a different inflection can make it new and fresh, rather than leaving your story tedious.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

WingZ’s example seems actually pretty calm for the sort of emotional state that conversation warrants. If it was me, i’d use something like this:

“About what?!” Melissa snapped back. “You’re the one who hacked my MySpace and Facebook acounts! You’re the one flipping out over one little word!”

“I am very upset about that ‘little’ word,” her mother replied. “I thought I raised you right. I’ve always known you were not a l-l-lesbian. Not my daughter.”

In any event, you can see how just a bit of punctuation and syntax improvement can really improve or change the entire flow of a story.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

If we’re really going to lay into it, I find that ‘not a lesbian’ followed by ‘not my daughter’ makes it sound like ‘you are not my daughter’ rather than ‘no daughter of mine’.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

…. In your example, the mother’s sudden stuttering issue bugs me, Casper.

Hmm. I imagined it as a much more emotional, mom-choked-up scenario. But reading back, you’re right - doesn’t convey what I imagined well. Bad example.

If we’re really going to lay into it, I find that ‘not a lesbian’ followed by ‘not my daughter’ makes it sound like ‘you are not my daughter’ rather than ‘no daughter of mine’.

considering this is supposed to be speech, I think this is alright, actually.

New Story: Melissa, PLease be fair this time.

I like your story but then again I tend to like the stories that are considered cliche on this board. I think I know where this is going. If you write another chapter I will be reading it.