There was another fight between the two, the ninth one they were having.
“Just stop doing it, why do you do this?” Dad said.
I didn’t bother going out in the hallway to listen again. I was too busy waiting for The Living Daylights to begin.
“Just because your sister was an alcoholic and had her kids taken doesn’t mean ours will too,” I heard Dad saying. “I am not going to start beating you just because he did, in fact you’re the one who abuses me and I put up with it…….No I won’t lose my job…you insult me, hit me, throw things at me….because you do it to me……Anita.”
I heard Mom talking too and I could barely hear a word she was saying but I could hear Dad loud and clear. “Oh to hell that they hear,” he said.
More fighting went on for a few more minutes and it was about his drinking. Then I heard him leaving again.
The movie started. I didn’t know why I was watching this. Timothy Dalton was a boring James Bond. But it’s a Bond movie so I was watching it. I imagined what James life be like if he ended up wearing diapers. What if he got injured during one of his missions and ended up in the hospital? He finds out he is in diapers and then finds out when he is released he has to keep wearing them. He would probably have to retire because how would he change on his trips? He wouldn’t be able to always change and he could run out of diapers on the way. I wonder if any women would want to have sex with him and be with him? I also imagined what if Bond found out one of the women wore diapers like what if Kara was wearing them because she was incontinent? I wonder how James would react to it?
At the part where James was driving off with Kara through the mountains to get away from the bad guys, Mom came upstairs. She showered and put her pajamas on.
“Mom, why do you have a problem with Dad’s drinking?” I asked.
“Because he gets drunk, it effects how he functions and thinks and it puts stress on me and it’s been effecting me too, it effects his temper. You know how bad alcoholics are?”
“Yeah but Dad doesn’t seem bad,” I said.
“Haven’t you been noticing more fighting between us?” Mom asked.
“Yes,” I said.
“Yeah and I refuse to become a lush myself. If I have to dump his beer out one more time, I am taking his checkbook and cards.”
“I overheard downstairs that one of my aunt’s was a drunk and got her kids taken, who was it?” I asked.
“It’s personal,” said Mom. “You don’t need to know.”
“Because I don’t like to talk bad about her. It’s in the past and they are divorced now and she and her kids are together again.”
Could it be Aunt Elizabeth? She had three children. Could it be Aunt Bridgett? She had four children and she is divorced. Elizabeth is not. I know it wasn’t Aunt Celeste because she doesn’t have any kids. Aunt Caitlin, she only has one and is married. Aunt Jane, she doesn’t have any kids either. I think I knew who it was.
“It’s Aunt Bridgett,” I said. “She is the only sister you have with kids who’s divorced and I remember hearing about her ex husband being a drunk and he would always beat her.”
“Okay, you figured it out. You don’t need to know anymore,” said Mom. “See why drinking is bad?”
“But why did she get her kids taken?” I asked. “Is it illegal to have your husband beat you when you have children?”
“No but if the kids are in any danger they get taken or if the house is in poor shape or the kids are not being properly taken care of.”
“Was he beating them too?” I asked.
“No, he was beating his wife only and then she started drinking and then your cousin Timmy became the head of the household. He was doing the laundry, changing Jaymee’s diapers, sweeping, washing the dishes, making sure his brother and sisters ate and he was skipping school to stay home to take care of Jaymee while Amber and Jesse went to school. Bridgett didn’t think it was a big deal either when her husband liked to drink. Then he was doing it more often and they started to fight and then he was hitting her whenever he got mad. Then it lead to beatings. That went on for a long time from when the kids were little before Jaymee was born. Then she had her and the abuse still continued. Then she started drinking too and she became a neglectful parent. She let the kids do whatever they wanted, didn’t keep the house clean, she sat on the couch all day long drinking while watching TV, she didn’t cook them anything so she always had TV dinners for them and snacks. Then when the kids were taken, she decided to go into rehab and decided to leave her husband and divorced him when she got out. She told me it was the best thing her son’s school ever did because it got her away from her husband.”
“Why didn’t she leave him before?” I asked.
“It’s easy to say that until it actually happens. It’s not always easy to leave.”
“Hard to explain. Sometimes the man threatens if the woman ever leaves him, he will kill her or he threatens to take the kids and she will never see them again, he may threaten to hurt one of the kids, or the man has the woman believing she deserves the abuse she is getting or that she can’t be on her own and she needs him or that no other guy would want her.”
“She can just be single then,” I said.
“True they can. But some women just don’t like to be alone but I agree they should still leave the man even if they think no other guy would want her. Your aunt just had a hard time leaving him and didn’t know how and she was too afraid. Then she got smart and got tough when her kids were taken. She even had to take parenting classes to get them back and it took her over a year before she got them back. She was very lucky she got them back because I hear some never get their kids back. The judge decided she was a victim and she cleaned up her act and got rid of the guy so she is a fit mother. Your cousins had a very hard life because they grew up with a dad who was always beating their mother and yelling at her but yet he was nice to them. Then their mother was drinking and it made it even harder for them because they didn’t have functional parents anymore. But Jaymee may not even remember because she was too young. She was only three when she and her siblings were removed. Now they are doing better but they don’t have much money. They still see their father but he doesn’t pay child support because he works under the table.”
“Huh? How does that work?” I asked. I pictured him working under a table. What does he do under there?
“They pay him cash so he won’t pay any taxes and it won’t be in the records that he is working so that is how he avoids paying child support. The person he works for doesn’t report his income,” said Mom.
“But what about working under the table?” I asked.
“That was just an expression, it means he works and they don’t report his income and he doesn’t pay taxes.”
“How come you told me this stuff anyway?” I asked.
“Because you figured it out and you asked. Your father said it loud enough for you to hear and I tried keeping it quiet so none of you kids would hear.But don’t tell your aunt and cousins any of this. It’s very personal and I don’t want you repeating this to anyone. Not to Brian, not to Kelly, not to Matthew, not to any kids at your school and teachers, not to Kate, no one.”
“Not even to Dad?”
“You can talk to him about it I guess since he knows about it. Everyone in my family knows about it except for the kids. Well your older cousins know too since they were adults when it happened and families gossip anyway. I am sure your other cousins know too. But your Dad’s side of the family doesn’t know because it’s none of their business. My family doesn’t talk with them.”
“Because they are not related and it’s not their family. We don’t talk with Uncle Tom’s family” (he is Elizabeth’s husband) “or with Uncle David’s family” (he is Caitlin’s husband) “or with Aunt Mary’s family” (he is Uncle Ted’s wife, Mom’s brother)……" Mom rambled on. I am used to it so I don’t try and shut her up because she doesn’t shut up so I tune her out and just let her talk. She just goes on and on and on. I try not to do it myself so I try and shut up when others tell me to. Sometimes I don’t even know I am doing it even when someone goes “okay okay.” Perhaps Mom doesn’t know she doing it either. It bugs Kelly though. It used to not bother Dad much and now it does. Ever since he has been drinking, he has been more irritated with her. But he rambles on too.
Aunt Bridgett has four kids, Mom has four kids. Her husband started drinking, Dad started drinking, they started fighting, mine started fighting, theirs got psychical, mine are getting psychical except they throw things at each other and Dad has to be on top of Mom and I have seen them push each other but they have always done those things but it seems to be more often now. Oh no, was Dad going to start beating Mom soon? No wonder Mom has a problem with his drinking. I think I better start dumping out his beer too whenever I see any just to help her out.
I heard Dad come home towards the end of the movie… “Hey who left their bowl in the sink?” he yelled.
I heard him open the dishwasher and put it in there. Then he came upstairs. He came in the bedroom.
“Natalie, did you leave a bowl in the sink?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
“Someone left theirs in the sink and it had ice cream in it.”
“Must have been Matthew or Kelly,” said Mom. “Hey were you at the bar?”
Mom held her nose shut and waved her hand in the air.
“No, please don’t start with me,” said Dad.
“You smell like beer and second hand smoke,” Mom said again.
Mom has a strong sense of smell. I couldn’t smell anything yet. She can’t even stand some perfume on people either. She has a very strong reaction to the smell and she backs away fast. She can smell things before I can and she has smelled things I couldn’t even smell. Some people have thought she was rude because of her reaction to smell or taste but she always says it was too strong for her and her nose can’t handle it. But they still don’t get it. People really do lack empathy and it’s a disability for me? Why isn’t it one for everyone else?
“You dumped my beer out so I went to the bar for a drink,” said Dad.
“And where do you go when you are not at work and where were you all night last night?” Mom asked.
“I stay at a friend’s house from work.”
“And why do you stay there?”
“Natalie, leave the room, I don’t want you hearing this conversation,” Dad told me.
“Why?” I asked.
“No why’s, no arguing, just do as I say, no questions asked,” Dad raised his voice at me. “Go,” he pointed his hand at the door.
Why is it that people keep thinking I am arguing with them?
I got up and went downstairs. I could smell the cigarette smoke on his clothes finally when I got closer to him. Mom could smell it further away. Dad closed the master bedroom door. I went in the family room and turned the light on and the TV. I turned to the channel and sat on the couch.
I wondered if Mom and Dad were fighting again. I heard some talking up there. I guess Dad decided to keep his voice down this time.
I started to rub my crotch feeling the thickness of my diaper. Two of them made my butt look big and it felt nice and thick. I kept rubbing down there enjoying the nice feeling. I wasn’t sure why I liked it. I don’t like wearing them but I like the thickness? I wasn’t even sure if I was wet either. I pulled down my pants to see. The line was a little blue at the bottom so I had peed in it. I lied on the couch and started to rub myself more rubbing the diaper against my crotch enjoying the thick feeling. I remember masturbating when I was little and I remember doing it in my stroller and in my parents bedroom right next to their bed. I used to do it in public and at home and Mom would tell me to do to it in my room. Dad would yell at me to stop and told me it was very naughty. Every time Mom would catch me doing it, she would tell me to go to my room and do it. Out in public, she would just tell me to stop and slap my hands if I kept doing it. Dad was more rough about it because he would yell at me about it and always grab my hands and give me a slap across the arms. Mom seemed more gentler with it because she was more passive about it. But I grew out of it and it became a private thing for me. Back then I wasn’t embarrassed about it so I did it around people. I even remember my cousin Ashley waking up at night and asking me what am I doing when I was five years old. I didn’t answer her because I didn’t know the words to describe what I was doing. I didn’t know what it was called and I didn’t know how to describe what I was doing. Then when I was six, it all got personal for me.
Then I heard someone showering upstairs. That must be Dad.
I kept on masturbating and I was starting to feel hot but I kept on doing it. I was even feeling something ticklish inside me like always when I do it and feeling something else but I wasn’t sure. I ignored that feeling like I always do and kept on rubbing. I was even breathing hard. Then I felt all nice and calm and my whole body felt relaxed. I sighed. I felt tired and kept my eyes closed listening to the movie.
I thought about what I just did. Why did I enjoy the thickness of my diaper? I could actually do it again every night and I liked masturbating in them instead of using my baby blanket or my blanket or any clothing I have or my jacket or my pillow. Now I could double diaper up and do it with my hands. If I have to wear them, I will mind as well take advantage. But at the same time I felt ashamed like this was wrong. I shouldn’t be enjoying my diapers. First I start to like the feeling of peeing in them, now I like masturbating in them and liking the thickness? Even I have started to stay in my messy diapers when I am at home because I don’t feel like cleaning up and I stay in my wet diapers because it doesn’t bother me anymore. It only bothers me if it stings.
When I first started wearing them, I hated it. I always felt disgusted when I wet would myself and I wanted to be changed right away. I would even keep taking them off and Mom had to tape them on me and she used scissors to cut through the sides when she would change me. Brian also had to cut it too and so did Dad when they changed me. This continued for about two weeks and I started leaving them on because it was better than wetting my pants and messing in them. But I had to get used to the bulky feeling and I had to accept the fact they were my new underwear. I remember whenever we would run out of youth diapers, I had to wear Huggies pull ups and they did fit me too. I could remember taking them off myself and putting a clean one on. Why couldn’t I just wear those all the time? But no Mom and Dad had to use youth diapers. The largest baby diapers still fit me back then too but youth diapers fit me better. But I didn’t like baby diapers because Dad went and bought a pack in the largest size and I didn’t like them because they felt tight so he went and got me Pull Ups. I liked them better because the sides stretched and they felt more comfortable despite how snug they felt.
I didn’t like messing in them either because I felt dirty by it and it was disgusting. I had to get used to peeing in them and sitting in it and then it didn’t bother me anymore but it wasn’t something I liked or enjoyed or disliked. I just got used to it. Then as I got older I started to like the feeling of peeing in them and liking the feeling of a wet diaper. Now I don’t mind messing in them either but I do in public because it’s still embarrassing and it literally stinks. When I was little I got used to it and it didn’t bother me anymore but I didn’t enjoy it or like it or dislike it either. I was used to it. Now I like it and it’s a secret I have and I never asked anyone online if they like it too. I am afraid they will think I am sick and think bad of me. But I still wished I didn’t have to wear them but I have gotten used to them where it doesn’t bother me anymore. I wouldn’t mind my problem if no one bothered me about it. But I will always wish I had control over my bodily functions. If I could get my control back, I wouldn’t be wearing them anymore and wouldn’t want to continue. But these are my underwear now and will be forever unless I go to catheters. What about bowel incontinence? Is there anything for that or would I still have to wear diapers for messy accidents?
I kept rubbing my crotch keeping my eyes closed when I heard Mom’s voice all of a sudden. “Well, I guess you’ve found a way to pleasure yourself.”
I jumped and looked up. Mom was standing right in the kitchen next to the door way.
I sat up. How long had she been down here?
“It’s okay Natalie, you have found a way to pleasure yourself without letting your diapers being in the way.”
Mom wasn’t mad. She didn’t think this was all sick?
Mom went and got a glass out of the cupboard and went to the fridge and put water in it and ice.
“How long have you been down here?” I asked.
“Few minutes,” she said. “I saw the whole thing.”
I felt my face turning red.
“I used to do the same too,” said Mom as she came in the family room. “You can just stick your fingers in there and rub your bottom to pleasure yourself.”
“Mom,” I said. “You’re embarrassing me.”
“It’s okay, there is nothing wrong with it. Just don’t do it down here and only do it in your room when you are by yourself. Since women pleasure themselves in their panties, why not do it in diapers? They’re your underwear after all but they are just absorbent and something you have to throw away and keep on getting. But some women throw away their panties too when they get blood on them or have diarrhea and they wear out so you still have to go out and get more. But diapers you have to do more often, a lot more often.”
“Did you and Dad have a fight again?” I asked.
I had to change the subject. If I do that, hopefully Mom will get distracted and forget about it and not keep talking about it.
“Sort of,” said Mom.
“I’ve decided I don’t want Dad drinking anymore either,” I said. “I don’t want this family to turn into Bridgett’s.”
“Neither do I.”
“But I think we’re heading that way I’m afraid.”
Mom didn’t say anything. She was wearing a bathrobe over her pajamas. She must be cold. She never drinks anything at night and now she is.
“How come you’re drinking water?” I asked. “You don’t drink any fluids before bed past six.”
“I’m thirsty,” she said.
“But you never drink after six,” I said.
“So. Doesn’t mean I can’t have any water now.”
“So you want to increase having to pee at night and wetting the bed?” I asked.
“Sheets can be washed.”
“Are you and Dad going to sleep together again?”
“Maybe, if we can get along.”
“But you might pee all over Dad, will he get mad if you do?” I said.
Mom put her cup down and opened her bathrobe and showed me what she had on.
I was surprised what I saw. Mom closed her bathrobe and continued drinking her water.
“Why do you have it on?” I asked.
“Your dad feels more comfortable if I have one on. He doesn’t like me waking up at night to go because then he wakes up at night and he doesn’t like me wetting the bed and since I have one on, I will mind as well have water. I don’t have to worry about wetting the bed again or stressing to get up at night to empty my bladder.”
“Is that why you two haven’t been sleeping together?”
“Part of the main reason yeah. but also because we can’t always stand being around each other.”
“How long have you been wearing them again?”
“This is the second night now he has made me wear one because he is tired of waking up in a wet bed and not sleeping in it. I don’t want you telling anyone I wear them at night now. I don’t want Kelly or Matthew knowing or Brian. With all the stress I’ve been going through, I have been having night time issues again.”
“How come you don’t want me telling them you wear them?”
“Because it’s embarrassing and they don’t need to know.”
“Why did you show me then?”
“Because you kept asking and pestering me and since you wear them, I thought I would just share it with you so you know you’re not alone.”
“But you only need them at night,” I said. “I was wondering if you had one on last night.”
“Well your dad thinks I should start wearing them during the day too because I had that accident yesterday and I said no to that,” said Mom.
“Because I don’t need them during the day but if me wearing them will decrease his anxiety, so be it. I will wear them just for him. Hopefully his drinking will stop and my accidents will go away. I don’t need to be forced into them during the day either.”
This was getting weird, first I am going to go to a special school, then I find out my Aunt was an alcoholic and neglected her kids, now Mom is wearing diapers? It felt weird having her in them and it felt creepy. Also she uses them, yuck. I didn’t even want to ask to make sure I was right so I didn’t even ask. I would also never look in the trash again when I have to empty out my diaper pail or have to take out the trash. At least her diaper looked fresh when she showed it to me. I couldn’t imagine seeing it wet. But why did it feel creepy about her wearing one? It didn’t feel creepy she wore them growing up. Why do I find it yucky she pees in them? I pee in mine. Why was I having these weird feelings?
I woke up on the couch and the TV was off and so was the light. I was in my nice thick diaper and it felt nice and wet. I felt around for leaks and there was none. I got up and looked at the clock in the kitchen on the oven, 2:15. I remembered I was watching James Bond, the fight Mom and Dad had last night, hearing about Aunt Bridgett being an alcoholic and her kids getting taken and her getting them back, then me having to move downstairs because of another fight they were having. I even fell asleep masturbating on the couch. I remember the talk Mom and I had on the couch and I dreamed she was wearing a diaper and Dad wanting her to wear during the day now too, her catching me masturbating in my diaper and she took it all okay and her drinking water after six. But was it a dream? I wasn’t sure. Sometimes I am not sure if something was just a dream or if it actually happened. This was one of them. I had fallen asleep watching License to Kill and I got tired and closed my eyes masturbating. But it was one weird dream I had about Mom wearing them. But the thought of her wearing one still felt creepy. But I remembered the sound I heard from her the other night. Was she really wearing one? Did the dream actually happened? Sometimes my dreams are like real because nothing weird happens in them that would be impossible in real life and it’s all reality. I even have deja vu. I will dream of something and then it happens and I realize it was in one of my dreams but I don’t remember it until it happens for real. Maybe the dream I had was going to happen. I shuddered at the thought of Mom wearing them. Maybe it was just a noisy pad she had on for her period that other night. Maybe that was why Dad cursed, because Mom got her period so she got blood on the sheets and he changed them. Yeah that was probably it. There was no diaper. But why was it gone when she got me up for school? Maybe that one pad she had on was noisy.
I decided to just move upstairs to my room so I did and crawled into bed and went back to sleep.