(namless)

This is my first story guys I hope you all like it.


“It is finally time! After years of plotting and planning it is finally time!” The man sat back smiling, thinking about his life, all the years of ridicule, sure he’d always been the smartest in his class but what did children care about that? Then when he was older no one would hire him for the money he would need for college. Luckily he managed to get a full pension scholarship to become a vet as he had wanted to for so many years. After many years he had managed to buy enough ground to make his mansion and cave. But all that was behind him now he would finally have his revenge!
“Sir” a voice cut through his memories “the camera crew has arrived”
“Tell them I’ll be right with them.” Said the man.
As the man finishes preparing for his national speech he goes back to his childhood…
It was the middle of the after-noon on a Saturday and as usual he was cleaning some part of the house, let me explain: his parents were cruel and cheap they could have hired cleaning services since they were constantly buying items like the newest and biggest flat screen televisions but why would they when the could legally have a slave? His wardrobe was fairly small and most of it was barely more than rags but still they could be classified as clothes if the government ever asked about it. The one thing he wore that definitely was not a rag were diapers since his parents had never bothered to potty train him because they thought it would be too much work. Having finished getting ready he left for the stage.
“Hello as I’m sure most of you already know my name is Leonardo Devince and I’m here to tell you that I am putting a vast amount of my fortune into a campaign for president. I’m sure that at this moment you’re asking who I’m going to be helping the answer is me. I am formally running for president right now.”


well thats it for now if you like it dont worry i will be adding more but it will take me awhile to write also you can make suggestions but i alredy have an idea of what will be happening

Re: (namless)

  1. This isn’t a story, it’s a paragraph. A poorly-written (and frankly, odd) paragraph.

  2. Who is he, Batman?!

No, apparently not…

WTH??!

Just scrap this story already!

Re: (namless)

This is the most awesome story EVER!! Just look at that plot, it’s so rich and detailed. God I totally can’t wait for what’s to come next. Maybe some commas? Some better grammar? Maybe a little damn attention to sanity?

By the way, where do you get your fix?

Who is he, Batman?!

No, I’m Batman!

Re: (namless)

I am going to pile on here. (Just because it’s fun. I dealt with a woman who used poor grammar in official writing on Saturday, so I will take it out on this story.)

What is Wrong With This Story

1.) Length: Don’t bother posting until you have at least 2000 words. You can’t possibly write enough to establish a scene in the 383 words you wrote and you really rushed what was going on in the first scene. Telling me a bunch of stuff in one sentence that could be flushed out into a full paragraph or even a full page or chapter.

2.) Flashbacks: Your flashbacks didn’t have any transition and they sucked anyway.

It was the middle of the after-noon on a Saturday and as usual he was cleaning some part of the house, let me explain: his parents were cruel and cheap they could have hired cleaning services since they were constantly buying items like the newest and biggest flat screen televisions but why would they when the could legally have a slave? His wardrobe was fairly small and most of it was barely more than rags but still they could be classified as clothes if the government ever asked about it. The one thing he wore that definitely was not a rag were diapers since his parents had never bothered to potty train him because they thought it would be too much work. Having finished getting ready he left for the stage.

You start the flashback, but then stop telling us what happened on Saturday afternoon. Then you start a list of facts about the character. I don’t care. Tell me what happened on Saturday afternoon. If he had to wear diapers and clean the house as a child then work that into where you talk about Saturday afternoon.

3.) Character names: Names that sound like they belong to historical figures (unless you are writing historical fiction): Don’t. Just don’t.

4.) Paragraphs: Indenting doesn’t really work in this forum. Leave a blank line between each paragraph. It is a lot easier on the eyes of us older folks. My brain shuts off. You did put the paragraph breaks in the right place though.

  1. and 6) Setting and "Show, Don’t Tell: I don’t know when and where this takes place. Don’t tell me either. Work it into the story. I did extensive research on where my story took place in Life and Death Choices Made Casually, but I didn’t say, Somewhere in Idaho, Present Day, but you know where the story happens as we follow the main character. Instead of

“Sir” a voice cut through his memories “the camera crew has arrived”
you could have said,

“Sir.”

He looked up. A man wearing a jacket that read, “Channel 8, Gotham City’s News Source” stood in front of his desk. Behind him stood a camera man. “We’re ready to shoot.”

Leonardo Devince cracked his knuckles. “Let’s do this.” As the camera crew crew set up, he went over the speech he had worked on for days. “Hello as I’m sure most of you already know my name is Leonardo Devince and I’m here to tell you that I am putting my fortune into campaign for President. I’m sure that at this moment you wonder what I can bring to this nation if I am elected to serve from the Oval Office. That is simple. First, I’ll…”

Already I wrote quite a few words to show you how you can expand a one sentence bit of nothingness into a scene where you can imagine you are there. Notice how I showed the setting with a description of the newsman’s jacket. When he was ready to give the speech, I showed you his internal thoughts.

I am not going to make fun of you about the mansion and the cave, nor will I make fun of you about how he got a mansion with a cave on a veterinarian’s salary. Vets do make about 100K, and he could possibly make more if he worked with race horses or greyhounds. If the story justifies a mansion with a cave, by all means write about a mansion and a cave. You just have to be able to explain the mansion and the cave without just telling me. Work it into the story. Maybe the cave was already there from when the mansion was a stop on the Underground Railroad before the Civil War. I don’t know.

Take my advice to make yourself a better writer. I have been a written diaper stories for over seven years. I have also written non-abdl stories and three novels. I also won contests and have even been paid for my stories (non-abdl) I already wrote you advice that is double the length of your story. Please learn from it. I am not picking on you even though I started to write this just to pile on.

Re: (namless)

HUH???

Re: (namless)

Man you guys are too critical. This story was freaking hilarious. Please, do go on. Proper writing skills would only hold this thing back.

Re: (namless)

I’m just wondering…by any chance had you been smoking a ton of weed prior to writing this?

-Lizzy

Re: (namless)

Got your story’s title here: THE DEVINCE CHODE

Re: (namless)

Thats sorta what I was wondering, but didn’t want to be the one to say it, thanks for doing it for me Lizzy. :slight_smile:

Re: (namless)

My apolagies Guinevere, I should give credit where credit is due.

Re: (namless)

Was I the only one who gave constructive feedback instead of making fun of him. Come on, guys. I thought that was the basic rule for this forum. I mean, let’s try to be nice.

Re: (namless)

Um, no we’re not. The purpose of this section of the forum is to critique the stories that are posted here. It even says in on the main forum page.

If all you want is a pat on the back and a “good job”, then don’t waste our time.

Now, back to the “story”.

I have just three words.

What. The. Fuck.

ROFL. Fucking hilarious.

Re: (namless)

It will take you a while to write? I’m not convinced. This must have taken you a minute and a half?

Re: (namless)

guys i had sterted writing this planning on editting the hell out of it then got high and posted it screw off

Re: (namless)

Wrong answer.

Re: (namless)

Here, let me help you:

  1. First off, a proper sentence begins with a capital letter.

  2. Secondly, since the rest of the sentence is addressed to someone, proper punctuation necessitates the use of a comma.

  3. There is no “e” in the word started. Learn to spell before attempting to write. It might give you the illusion of intelligence in your future writing endeavors (which in good conscience I could neither recommend nor condone).

  4. After the word this, be sure to add and. Change planning to had planned.

  5. Editing has only one t.

  6. After the word it, close your sentence with the proper punctuation. In this case, you’ll want to use a period, like so.

  7. Once again, remember to start your new sentence with a capital letter. In this case, it’s a B, because you’ll need to add a but to signal change.

  8. then, add your comma…

  9. Insert the pronoun I so the audience knows who is getting high and posting it (don’t want to have a sentence fragment either).

  10. Again, close your sentence with a period. Now you are free to close your thought with Screw off! Note the capital S and the use of an exclamation point as punctuation.

Here’s what we are left with:

“Guys, I had started writing this and had planned on editing the hell out of it. But then I got high and posted it. Screw off!”

Sadly, even with your reconstructed sentence, you fail to convey a valid response. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Re: (namless)

So…you wrote it half-assed while high and when three people point out you wrote it half-assed while high, it somehow becomes our fault for not taking you seriously enough. Did you really expect us to be okay with something like that?

Re: (namless)

I just gave him a list of things he could try to make his story better. I thought it was constructive. I did not know I wasted my effort because it was posted about stuff written when high. How am I supposed to know if someone wrote while under the influence of drugs? I pointed out over and over that stories could be improved by doing more showing and less telling.

I did not know he was high. I guess I am just naive and don’t expect people to smoke dope. I never touched the stuff because I was told there was a reason it is called dope. It is also illegal. Regardless if you agree with it being illegal or not (I don’t think it should be illegal.), it still can set you up for legal problems, especially if you are carrying it in your car in an urban area. I honestly thought he was a beginning writer.

I still don’t think the mansion and the bat cave were that bad of idea. I thought it was being mean to make fun of that.

Re: (namless)

First of all Writeandleft, I had been talking to all the other people who where making fun of me not you. Second of all I was not talking about a simple question of whether or not I was high it was the people making fun of me for what could of very easily been a valid attempt when NOT under the influence of drugs because I find it rather annoying. Third of all are you happy now DiaperCypher? Fourth of all I’ve never had anything to do with the devincy (is that how it is spelled?) code because I never really found it appealing also I needed a name. Fifth of all I couldn’t think of a name. Seventh of all I usually don’t get high it was a first time thing and seeing as it gave me this mess I will NOT do it again.

Re: (namless)

First of all Writeandleft, I had been talking to all the other people who where making fun of me not you.

When you generally say screw off to the masses without specifically mentioning names, it’s usually understood that you’re referring to all people in the thread who even remotely gave you a hard time.

Second of all I was not talking about a simple question of whether or not I was high it was the people making fun of me for what could of very easily been a valid attempt when NOT under the influence of drugs because I find it rather annoying.

So…you were high. We thought you were high. You SAID you were high. And generally…all evidence points out to this being the most likely circumstance imaginable…but we’re not supposed to assume or even simply ask if you’re high. Keep in mind, no one assumed you were high, they simply asked because it was likely.

Third of all are you happy now DiaperCypher?

You brought his response on yourself.

Fourth of all I’ve never had anything to do with the devincy (is that how it is spelled?) code because I never really found it appealing also I needed a name.

Davinci; but considering it’s a surname, who the hell cares if you go with Devince. You are more than welcome to make up your own name.

Fifth of all I couldn’t think of a name.

Good to segue into “Fifth of all” even though it’s a statement about the “Fourth of all” sentiment.

Seventh of all I usually don’t get high it was a first time thing and seeing as it gave me this mess I will NOT do it again.

Great counting skills, going straight to 7 after 5…er technically 4 and a half considering my above point. Anyways, who the fuck cares if you’re high when writing a story. For all I know it could have seriously given you a great idea for the story and you could have edited it when sober.

I’m not going to tell you to not smoke pot, and I’m not going to use that lame ass trite and dismissive excuse of “There’s a reason it’s called dope” like so many fucking people try to tell me (it’s absolute bullshit and does not say a damn thing about marijuana), but I will say that if you’re going to write a story of this quality while high, not edit it when sober, and post it as is on the forum, you cannot expect us to go easy on you for your own damn mistake. Who cares if you were high as a kite, that’s not what’s important. “I planned on editing it later,” is a more crucial and key factor that lead us to basically not give a shit about your story. Do you think Stephen King could get away with that? Scribble some notes down on a piece of paper, publish it and place it in the bookshelves and THEN say “Well I planned on editing out all the mistakes later.”

The world doesn’t work like that, and if you haven’t figured it out by now well there’s your answer. Don’t expect us to take your work seriously when you don’t even take it seriously. You’re more than welcome to edit it, give it a valid attempt and come back but don’t blame us for the mistake of posting this story prematurely.