I am going to pile on here. (Just because it’s fun. I dealt with a woman who used poor grammar in official writing on Saturday, so I will take it out on this story.)
What is Wrong With This Story
1.) Length: Don’t bother posting until you have at least 2000 words. You can’t possibly write enough to establish a scene in the 383 words you wrote and you really rushed what was going on in the first scene. Telling me a bunch of stuff in one sentence that could be flushed out into a full paragraph or even a full page or chapter.
2.) Flashbacks: Your flashbacks didn’t have any transition and they sucked anyway.
It was the middle of the after-noon on a Saturday and as usual he was cleaning some part of the house, let me explain: his parents were cruel and cheap they could have hired cleaning services since they were constantly buying items like the newest and biggest flat screen televisions but why would they when the could legally have a slave? His wardrobe was fairly small and most of it was barely more than rags but still they could be classified as clothes if the government ever asked about it. The one thing he wore that definitely was not a rag were diapers since his parents had never bothered to potty train him because they thought it would be too much work. Having finished getting ready he left for the stage.
You start the flashback, but then stop telling us what happened on Saturday afternoon. Then you start a list of facts about the character. I don’t care. Tell me what happened on Saturday afternoon. If he had to wear diapers and clean the house as a child then work that into where you talk about Saturday afternoon.
3.) Character names: Names that sound like they belong to historical figures (unless you are writing historical fiction): Don’t. Just don’t.
4.) Paragraphs: Indenting doesn’t really work in this forum. Leave a blank line between each paragraph. It is a lot easier on the eyes of us older folks. My brain shuts off. You did put the paragraph breaks in the right place though.
- and 6) Setting and "Show, Don’t Tell: I don’t know when and where this takes place. Don’t tell me either. Work it into the story. I did extensive research on where my story took place in Life and Death Choices Made Casually, but I didn’t say, Somewhere in Idaho, Present Day, but you know where the story happens as we follow the main character. Instead of
“Sir” a voice cut through his memories “the camera crew has arrived”
you could have said,
He looked up. A man wearing a jacket that read, “Channel 8, Gotham City’s News Source” stood in front of his desk. Behind him stood a camera man. “We’re ready to shoot.”
Leonardo Devince cracked his knuckles. “Let’s do this.” As the camera crew crew set up, he went over the speech he had worked on for days. “Hello as I’m sure most of you already know my name is Leonardo Devince and I’m here to tell you that I am putting my fortune into campaign for President. I’m sure that at this moment you wonder what I can bring to this nation if I am elected to serve from the Oval Office. That is simple. First, I’ll…”
Already I wrote quite a few words to show you how you can expand a one sentence bit of nothingness into a scene where you can imagine you are there. Notice how I showed the setting with a description of the newsman’s jacket. When he was ready to give the speech, I showed you his internal thoughts.
I am not going to make fun of you about the mansion and the cave, nor will I make fun of you about how he got a mansion with a cave on a veterinarian’s salary. Vets do make about 100K, and he could possibly make more if he worked with race horses or greyhounds. If the story justifies a mansion with a cave, by all means write about a mansion and a cave. You just have to be able to explain the mansion and the cave without just telling me. Work it into the story. Maybe the cave was already there from when the mansion was a stop on the Underground Railroad before the Civil War. I don’t know.
Take my advice to make yourself a better writer. I have been a written diaper stories for over seven years. I have also written non-abdl stories and three novels. I also won contests and have even been paid for my stories (non-abdl) I already wrote you advice that is double the length of your story. Please learn from it. I am not picking on you even though I started to write this just to pile on.