once there was a new kid named Tommy
who moved to Destiny Islands,
And he didn’t know anyone until he met a young boy named Sora,
and That’s when Sora says… “Hey you must be new around here huh?”
and that’s when Tommy said yeah I’m new to Destiny islands
That’s when Tommy introduces himself to Sora,
Hi, I’m Tommy, it’s nice to meet you Sora said Tommy,
And that’s when Sora said… It’s nice to meet you too Tommy,
And that’s when Sora notices that Tommy had pull-ups
and diapers in his bag,
once there was a new kid named Tommy
Well it has one redeeming quality, and that is it’s brevity. Otherwise you fail at storytelling in almost every way. You basically have a disconnected badly executed dialogue between two people you haven’t introduced. So why does the audience care… They have no reason too so they don’t. You’'ve set no scenes either so for all your poor readers know your characters are talking in a blank white room.
Don’t let this discourage you I’m, sure with a little application of creative writing fudimentals your next attempt will be much better.
well can you help me rewrite it please
I’ll give you a little bit of help. I’ll rewrite your first two lines. Feel free to change whatever you want from this introduction of course. There might be things that do not fit with the world your story takes place in. Also, I just wrote this really quickly so there might be a few typos or grammatical errors. But like I said, I hope this helps you get started.
Tommy stood at the bow of the sailboat, looking out across the water at the green island slowly rising up above the horizon. He could hardly believe he was almost there.
“Just a little while longer…” he told himself.
Getting to the island would change everything. He was sure of it. Everything would get better. But then again, that wouldn’t take much.
Tommy sighed and turned around, looking at the ocean stretching endlessly in every direction. It was hard to take in the complete isolation of the island. Tommy wondered if the stories he had heard about it were real. He was pretty sure the one about the giant sea serpent was a lie, but some of the others could be true.
Climbing down the steep, narrow stairs, Tommy made his way belowdecks to his cramped cabin. Packing up his meagre belongings didn’t take long, and fifteen minutes later Tommy was back on deck.
The entire mood of the ship had changed. Unlike before. Crew-members rushed to and fro; two of them were climbing the rigging, preparing to lower the mainsail. Tommy did his best to stay out of their way, and mostly succeeded. The waves made the deck roll enough that he decided against putting his bag down. It’d just be stupid to get this far only to lose everything he had into the ocean. The straps of his bags dug into his shoulders, but he figured that was a price worth paying.
Suddenly the waves stopped and the deck steadied itself. They had entered the harbour itself. The ship glided smoothly past numerous small, colourful fishing boats and finally inched its way next to the quay. The captain yelled something that sounded like commands, but Tommy didn’t hear what it was. He was too busy thinking about what would happen next. Besides, he doubted they were meant for him.
Tommy felt his heart jump up in his throat when somebody grabbed him and leaned him so far back that he would have fallen if it weren’t for the strong arm of the captain that supported his back. Tommy was just about to protest when he saw the boom swing across where his head had been only seconds before.
“I said ‘duck, boy’. You need to pay attention.”
Tommy felt his cheeks flush as the captain pulled him upright again. He didn’t quite know what to say. “Uh… thanks,” he finally mumbled. But the captain was already yelling orders to the crew and probably didn’t hear him.
There was a ‘thunk’ as the gangplank hit the quay and Tommy felt his stomach filling with butterflies as he walked down it and set his feet on solid ground for the first time in weeks.
and that’s when Tommy couldn’t believe that he was on Destiny Islands, it was breathtaking and amazing,
and while Tommy was exploring the island,
That’s when he ran across two boys racing each other,
And that’s when Tommy watched the race to see which boy won.
That’s when the boy with the brown hair said… Ha I won
and you lost Riku,
And that’s when Riku said aww… no fair Sora you cheated,
Speech (the words your characters say) go in quotation marks. That makes it easier for readers to understand what’s going on.
Sally said, “Bill is giving up diapers. He will be potty trained.”
Bill was not listening. “Yes.” He automatically agreed.
Starting every single sentence with “That’s when” or “And that’s when” is a bad idea. Please try to vary your language. You don’t want to sound like the “How I spent my summer vacation” essay from Cheech and Chong’s Sister Mary Elephant sketch.
See what I mean?
I see whatvha mean
Tommy gets off the gummy ship
and "He says… “smell the fresh sea air”
this place is amazing,
"I hope that I get to meet some kids here on this island
Tommy thought to himself,
And as luck would have it Tommy
saw two boys racing one of the boys had brown hair and his named was Sora,
The other boy had sliver gay-ish hair and his name was Riku,
What’s a gummy ship?
Quotation marks go around the actual speech, not elsewhere. Also, no random capitalisation please.
If this is spoken, it should be in quotation marks. And even if it isn’t, remember capital letters at the beginning of sentences.
…on this island," Tommy…
Oh, and use a full stop to end sentences, not a comma.
And you just switched from the present tense to the past tense. Don’t do that. pick one tense and stay with it.
Full stops end sentences. Use them. Commas are used to break up single sentences in more manageable chunks. This is three sentences, not one. Check your spelling (named, sliver), And how is hair “gay-ish”?
And that’s when Tommy was walking on the beach
he ran across a boy with a yellow shirt & blue shorts named Tidus
and that’s when Tidus said… Hi, you must be the new kid named Tommy,
Yeah I’m Tommy and how do you know my name huh Tidus
Tommy asked him and Tidus said well Sora & Riku told me about you
And that your new to the island and Tidus you are kinda cute tho said Tommy,
And that’s when Tidus said how ya know huh Tommy
I don’t know for sure Tidus but I was just asking
And meanwhile, Tommy was exploring the islands,
when he had the sinking feeling in his pull-ups
that he had to go to the bathroom.
And that’s when Tommy went to the bathroom in his pull-up.
That’s when Sora said… "Hey, Sora have you seen Tommy huh Riku?
And Riku says… No Sora I haven’t seen Tommy,
Well Tommy went to the restroom cause you know that he’s been in the gummy ship
And you knew he has to use the restroom Riku.
Yeah Sora said Riku I mean if I ju
st got off the ship
I would run to the restroom too, Riku Riku
And that’s when Riku said I’ll go check on Tommy,
Sora said ok Riku you go check on Tommy.
Tommy was using the bathroom
and he heard Riku’s voice.
"Hey Tomy are you ok in there "
And Tommy yelled back to Riku
"Yeh I’m doing fine said Tommy,
And that’s when Riku asked Tommy,
“Hey, Tommy are you wearing a diaper huh Tommy?”
Yeah, Riku I am wearing a diaper says Tommy turning a shade of red,
and Riku said… So Tommy that’s why you ran into the bathroom huh Tommy,
Yeah, Rilu that’s why I didn’t want you and Sora to know that I wear diapers & pull-ups,
well Tommy I have to tell you something said Riku, and Tommy says… "What’s on your mind
huh Riku, Tommy asked his silver-haired friend,
And Riku says well Tommy me and sora both wear pull-ups too,
And that’s when Tommy surprised that he wasn’t the only one that had to wear those,
wow Riku, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only kid that was going through this alone,
and Riku says… Tommy you not alone cause with me and sora will always be with you, Tommy,
Hey Riku where did Sora go huh Riku
Tommy asked him and Riku said, Tommy, he’s probably talking to Kairi
or playing blitz ball with Waka.
And that’s when Sora said… "Hey, Riku
have you seen this new kid before huh Riku?
Sora asked Riku,
And Riku said no I haven’t seen him before
well, I wanna meet him Sora said Riku,
And that’s when Sora yelled "Hey Shorty,
can you come here for a second,
And that’s when Tommy ran over to see what Sora wanted,
and Tommy said. "What’s up huh Sora,
Tommy asked Sora,
That’s when Sora said Tommy I would like you to meet my friend Riku,
And that’s when Tommy and Riku shook hands,
It’s nice to meet you too Riku said Tommy,
And that’s when Riku says… So Tommy what brings you to Destiny Islands huh Tommy, That’s when Tommy told the two boys that he wanted to be a key blade wielder.
And that’s when Tommy also had a secret that he bout didn’t want his new friends to know about him.
Sora says So Riku whatcha think about the new kid Tommy huh Riku? asked Sora
And Riku says well Sora he is kinda cute tho Sora said Riku.
Sora yeah I was thinking the same thing about Tommy,
A Gummi ship for one thing. It’s a method of travel utilized by Gummi Bears, creatures who should not be confused with Gummybears.
Well, if a Gummybear served in the navy on a ship, then technically it would be okay to confuse them in that circumstance as then the ship would indeed be a gummy ship
the gummi ship
is the ship that sora and his friends sailed in
<sarcasm>NO, REALLY?!!! I never would have guessed from the fact this is a Kingdom Hearts “story”</sarcasm>
I’m done. Out. No more. Finito. Mission failed. I wash my hands of this.
hey whats wrong
Tommy said… Riku sora went to his secert spot
or he went to the other side of the island
And that’s when Riku says… 'Hey Tommy, I never told you this but… I think that you look cute in your diaper,
Tommy couldn’t help but blush a little at what Riku just told him,
and Tommy said wow Riku I never knew that you liked boys,
said Tommy, and Riku said Tommy to tell you the truth I never knew that I liked boys either,
until I met Sora really Riku,
yeah Riku, you are Kinda sexy Tommy told him,
"And that’s when Riku’s face started to turn bright red.
Tommy asked “Hey Riku are you alright huh Riku?”
Riku said… y-yeah Tommy i’m fine Riku stuttered a bit as he tried to get his words out,
okay what’s up Riku huh are you shy around me huh Tommy asked him,
Would you like an alphabetical listing?