My first story

My life
… Ahh to contemplate. Though it wold be easier to think if my little brother would stop elbowing me in the back. He will not go to sleep. My parents are playing the easter bunny now, and they do not want him to see. He is about to turn three, but he will not sleep alone.

Even though he is small he still finds a way to push me to the edge, and take most of the blanket and pillow. It isnt so bad. After all, the night is warm and I live in Florida.

Finally it is 1:15 and he is asleep! There is no hope for the pillow , but I can at least get some blanket back.
… Ahh, nice warm thick, It is a warm night, but it is raining, and I am next to the window, so this is
… Mmm, the only things that could make this better is a nice, thick, soft, cushy bathrobe. And a fuzzy blanket. Maybe even
… Nice soft, warm, wrapped around my legs, soo comfy
… One, no four I will have four of them on! No if dad were to find out he would kill me, and my little bro is blocking the way. The dog would go mad if I got up to get them. Pity, I wish the kitties were allowed inside the house.

Oh well, time to sleep.

Re: My first story

Please critique this, as you can tell I need the advice. I already know that this is more of a vignette than a short story, that I use to many short telegraphic sentances, and that I went over board with the aposiophesis, but other than that. How can I improve?

Re: My first story

There’s not even a vignette here, man. It’s less than 250 words.

Re: My first story

Oh… I am so sorry. I typed this on my phone and it looked like a lot more. Sorry for this spam-like text. I will make sure to make something real next time.

Re: My first story

This is real, its just not enough to get a decent read from for valuable critique

Re: My first story


Re: My first story

I understand, thank you. Upon reflection I have found that one may assume my last comment was infused with a sarcastic tone, I reassure you that this was not intended to be the case. The meaning is sinsere, as it is with this. I agknoledge that the piece is real, the intent behind my previous message is that there was not enough to amount to something. Therefore not “real” or not “the real deal”. I apologize for not clarifying this. In the future I shall make it a goal to include more meaningful detail.

Re: My first story

All we’re saying is that 200 words isn’t enough to critique. What you put there was interesting, but there’s gotta be more before anyone can give any meaningful feedback.

Re: My first story

We will be honest and sometimes painfully blunt with our critique. There are people who don’t want to bear honesty and there are those that will. I did not think you meant yohr story wasn’t “real”, and you have a good premise here. Expand on it when you can and we’ll be here to offer suggestions on how you can improve.

Re: My first story

Yes. I comprehend. I do want honest critique, brutal even. What was given is not enough. I am now working on another peice. It may have a significant part of a chapter by next week, but I am not sure. I have a 2 k paper to turn in for a history class, and my psychology final exam this week. School is tough, but worth it

Re: My first story

Here is a section of my new price, please critique if it is enough. Be brutal, rip it to shreads. I need to improve.

Ka-klunk, ka-klunk, ka-klunk. The boots klomped cross the asphalt. Much too large , they swamped the scrawny legs of the owner. They were at least double the size and went up to the knee caps. They were a good shade of black, blue too. not entirely one or the other, and not necessarily both either. Black, blue, both, black ,blue ,both It was different every time. Never one, and never the same, the colors shifted between the brilliance of the moonlit sky, to the solemn void of the sky of a new moon. Some may say they are the same, the colors, the sky, but I know. Because each time I look they change.

Handles, there are also handles on the sides. Little black, blue handles. Small, ropey, steel-like rubber. They may look flimsy, and a bit weak, but nothing that I know will get through them. They seem to have no purpose, and they seem like a blemish to my boot. They are awkward, and a bit embarrassing, but the boots would not be the same without them. Whatever they are for, I have not the slightest idea, but there they are, and there they will stay.

They were bought. Today, this afternoon. Found them at a good size thrift shop, not too shabby either, best part is, the place is run by volunteers, so everything is dirt cheap. Last month I found myself a nice three price suit. Suit, vest, and pants, all dark blue and pinstripe, fifteen bucks for the set, and if I do say so myself, I was quite the dapper man at the dances that weekend. Anyway, ever sense then I’ve been keeping my eyes open. For something, anything. then I saw those boots, and for five bucks… It was still too much, so I brought them down to three.
The best part was that overwhelming satisfaction in finding a good buy.

I got home. first thing I did was pull ever so slightly the ends of the bows on each shoe, until I saw them dissipate into empty space before my eyes. Bit by bit I loosened the laces and pulled the heel higher , and higher up. Then at that moment, when the aglets no longer touched the ground. I stood up in the shoes that now looked twice my size, then carefully, so as to not loose my balance, lifted my legs out of my shoes and into the deep, dark hole of my new blackish blue boots.

My heartbeat thumped, my blood pumped, and my face flushed red, emotions swirled around inside of me, I could imagine tiny little playful neurotransmitters running and jumping across the synaptic gap, between all the neurons in my entire nervous system, and they were all wearing boots.

I sat down for a moment, and rested, feeling the rubbery surface of my boots that nothing else seems to have. Then another thought rose up in my head, and my fantasy shattered…

Re: My first story

Is this enough?

Re: My first story

You definately have a nack for descriptive writing. I could see the shape and color of the boots you described but who is wearing them. We know little to nothing about your main character other than they have a little brother that seems to be a pain in the neck at times.

I am really interested in seeing where your story goes. I’m sure that we can understand that RL situations will take time away from writing, if you write your paper with the descriptive style you are writing with here, I’m sure you will be ok.

Write what you can when you can.

Re: My first story

Section Three, The Farm

Four years, three months ago, and it still lies vivid within me. I was sixteen then. I was in my Junior year of high school, and winter break had come. I had planned to do lots of skiing, when it snowed, and a bit of ice blocking if I could find a hill, but chances were not in my favor, at least, not in Florida. So I had to endure the torture of nice sunny days with occasional rain, while everybody else in the country enjoyed the cold harsh winter storms. One day it got so cold, that I had to put socks on……

… I love Florida.

The previous night it had rained. Mom and Dad had planned on an Easter egg hunt in the winter, because everyone had plans for spring. While they were out making final preparations, (and perhaps doing other business as well) . I was left to watch my little brother, Garret. He was young and did not sleep well alone, so he bunked with me.
(see first passage)

That night I slept in. It seemed that everyone was so busy that no one had thought to wake me. It was 11am when I finally got out of bed. I walked out onto the porch, and most of my family had arrived. uncle, aunts, grandparents and the other adults were conversing around the campfire, while the little ones ran about in every which way.

My little brother, Garrett, was running along with them in his rubber boots that swamped his legs because they were too big for him. They were a light blue rubber with green soles and little orangish-green frogs on the sides, with two useless handles.
Everyone wore boots, especially after last night’s rain, everyone but me. I had none, but I had never needed any before.

I remember my mother calling me, “Owen….Owen! Do you hear me?”, “Yes mom I hear you” " Good… Now Owen, can you show the kids around the farm?" “Yes mom”.

I then proceeded to take the kids around. We have a small farm. In our front yard is a pond, with an island in the middle, and we have a wooden arch bridge to go to it. The bridge always reminded me of the one in Whinny the Pooh, when they played pooh sticks over the little river.

In our pond we have fifteen ducks. Nine of them are white Peking ducks , the other six are Canadian mallards ,or something like that. I can never remember the name. They came and went as they wished, always gave them food, and they always gave us eggs.

In the back we had a chicken coop
with about twenty three chickens, mostly road island reds. Every now and then we let them out to eat the bugs, but other than that they stayed coed up. This was because of our neighbors lab. , a mix between a pit bull, and a black lab. Besides than eating live chicken, he is a good dog.

Further back were the giant bunnies, three big white rabbits, blends of Florida White’s, and New Zealand’s, and they had nine baby rabbits. The fur is so, soft, and the meat isn’t bad either. Next to them we had a pen for our two dwarf goats, they were light gray with a black stripe from the head to tail. The giant rabbits are slightly larger than the dwarf goats.

We also have four farm cats, and a Weiner dog.

I let the human kids play with the goat kids, for a while. I let them see the bunnies, but no one got too close, because they are mean, and have a nasty bite.

I figured, that by then the adults had hidden the eggs, so I round up the kids. If you have never done it before, it is about as hard as herding cats, in other words many hands are needed. Once I had gathered the human kids, and goat ones too (the little humans like to follow the goats, and the goats like to follow me) We went to the front yard.

Re: My first story

Sorry for the grammatical errors. I realize there were many in this section.