Maybe She'll Understand

Maybe She’ll Understand

by CS Fox

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This story is wordy, rambling, and a little boring… but I felt it was important to write, both for the community and myself. It’s based out of real life and done with about as much understanding as I could muster for both parties involved.


Is it weird that my boyfriend likes diapers? He’s 20, and I’ve always secretly thought it was weird… but I can’t tell him that. It’d be like cutting out a small part of him that somehow seems to be holding up the rest.

My name is Amy. I have never had even the remotest thought about diapers until I met my current boyfriend.

I met Ethan at college. We’re at the same University together, both Sophomores. He’s an English major, I’m a History major; its the same building. We met in a semi-romantic sort of way. I was being my usual klutz self and spilt coffee in the poor guy’s lap at Starbuck’s. Surprisingly he wasn’t upset, he cleaned himself up and asked what it was I’d been drinking and then went and bought me another.

Things had been really great after that. I’ve never been very lucky in love, I usually give my heart to any guy who shows attention to me and this time wasn’t much different… but… he gave back. He was the first guy I’d ever met that actually put a lot of effort into caring about me. It was refreshing and marvelous and even my mom and little sister got all nosy about my glow.

…But everything comes with a price. Ethan’s ‘catch’ was a secret fetish. We’d already started a sexual relationship; I get horny every now and then, but its not something out of control. Ethan is as much a horndog as the next guy, and I was willing to get myself in the mood even when I didn’t feel like it; but I could tell he was holding back. I’m not ashamed to say I’m more into vanilla sex, I’d be happy with getting eaten out and doing it missionary the rest of my life. It feels great, its the most comfortable, and it leads to easy cuddling afterwards. Still, I could sense he wanted more, and I liked him well enough, so I was good and game to indulge.

I offered to try a few different positions. I made my first trip to a dirty lingerie shop and blushed my way through the purchase of what could only be considered ‘half’ a pair of panties. It took a while to get him to open up and by the time I knew that I was getting close to whatever this secret was, I was starting to get apprehensive that it might be something I really didn’t want to know… but how could it be that bad? My Ethan was too nice.

As it turns out… Ethan likes diapers. I know it must have been a serious internal conflict, and I know he’s put a lot of trust in me to share something like this… because its something he’s had with him his whole life apparently, even before he discovered his sexuality.

Seriously, when he told me… I was at a loss. Sure, I was touched that he’d entrust me with this secret he’d carried for so long, but still… what… did he want me to do about it?

I still remember the conversation.

“Amy, I… know you’ve always put up with my immaturity,” Ethan said.

“It’s part of what makes you who you are,” I said. “Besides, I’ve still got stuffed animals and I’m into anime and Disney, its all good. Everyone’s immature.”

“Well this secret fetish you’ve been asking about… it sort of has to deal with immaturity.”

“…… like how?”

“I like diapers,” he blurted

I gave him a ‘wow, is this what you’ve been hiding?’ kind of response, and left it at that. I wasn’t even sure how diapers could be a fetish. I always assumed fetish meant sex or sex act of some type, and bits of cloth and plastic that you wear around your waist weren’t really on my radar for sex acts.

There was some explaining, which didn’t really go well either. He didn’t seem to even know what it was that attracted him to them. The more I asked, the more embarrassed about it he got, until it settled into something like 20 questions with him just giving simple answers since it seemed to make him the most comfortable to handle it that way.

“So you like diapers?”

“…yes.”

“Wearing them?”

“…yes.”

“Using them?”

“Sometimes…”

“Other people wearing them?”

“Yes.”

“…little kids wearing them?”

“NO!”

I should say that there was a lengthly explanation at this point where Ethan guessed my thought pattern and said that even though diapers themselves are infantile objects, he was not into children in any way. That was my first initial fear; that he had some type of pedo thing, but he made it clear that it wasn’t that way. He likened it more to doggy style… “just because I may like doing it doggy style, does not mean I want to do it to a dog,” which made some perverted sort of sense.

“So other people in diapers… would you like me in them?”

“…yes.”

That kind of shut me up. As I mentioned earlier, I’m mostly into vanilla sex and… I just couldn’t imagine the sex appeal behind it. I dropped the subject, and I think after the initial shock of entrusting such a big secret to me, he didn’t bring it up in the next few days after. I could tell he was afraid that knowing this new detail about his life would make me think less of him, or possibly want to leave him. I was confused about what I was supposed to feel, but I didn’t love him any less for it.

I quietly ignored what I had learned; he didn’t seem intent to press it upon me, and I was happy enough that we went back to the same sex I liked. He began referring to this whole mess as ‘the big secret’, since I’d occasionally catch him on a website related to it.

I have to say it was a little unnerving. We were sitting around his place and I was working on some lecture notes while he was surfing on his computer and I just happened to look over and see a porno type picture on his screen… only the model was thickly diapered, sucking on a bottle of milk, and wearing nothing else.

“Is… that it?” I asked looking over his shoulder.

Ethan quickly tapped a few keys and a few other browser windows popped up. “Is what it?”

“Don’t pretend, I know what I saw. Is that what you like?”

Ethan got kind of quiet and chewed on his lip a little. It was a nervous habit of his.

“I guess.”

“You guess? Well, explain to me what’s appealing about that picture I saw. I’m not mad or anything, I’m just… well call it an academic curiosity.”

Ethan opened the browser window back up. “Well… aside from the obvious fact that the girl is beautiful… I think its just the look of innocence. It’s weird, but the idea of having no worries, and enjoying the most simple pleasure appeals to me.”

“And you see all that in this?” I asked.

“No… well, maybe… I see a girl, drinking a bottle, sitting in a diaper…. Its complex, I like the porno aspect of it, I like her tits, and her face… and I especially like the diaper, not necessarily because its just a diaper, but because she’s wearing it and acting as if she needs it.”

“Acting as if she needs it?”

Ethan let out a sigh. “Its so hard to explain to someone outside of the fetish… but the idea of needing diapers is appealing too. Like she has no control, or even a worry that she’ll need to go to the bathroom.”

Now I was getting a little confused, borderline worried. “So… watersports?” I asked, remembering a few things I’d looked up on the web.

“Not exactly… its’ complicated.”

“So you keep saying.”

It took us a while, and it didn’t happen all at once. I think for Ethan, he just had this intrinsic idea in his head of what made this whole fetish appealing to him, and most of the people online that he talked to about it seemed to have a natural understanding as well… like this whole thing was just some tendency that people are born with and can’t help any more then some people can having an attraction to the same gender (which I might add was something frequent in the websites I found while trying to figure this out). The more I questioned, the more he defined it, and I think it wasn’t just for me, I think it was for himself. I have to be honest I didn’t like where it was going.

As the picture got clearer, I came to understand that Ethan liked the idea of wearing diapers and needing them. He was still very much a social person and understood that society as a whole would never be accepting of his fetish, so he had to keep it to himself… and as an outlet, he looked at diapered porn and read stories about the fetish, which did bother me a little, since it made me feel like there was something I couldn’t provide.

Another part of the fetish that comes into play is being ‘innocent’. Well, at least that’s the term he told me. He wants to be taken care of, and at the same time, to take care of someone else, its the most convoluted thing I could imagine. He roleplays with these people online, pretending he’s like 5 or 6, not doing anything sexual, but running around and playing games of tag or telling ghost stories through the voice of an adolescent, like he’s trying to relive the whole experience of growing up again. Other times, he’s 17 or 18 acting as a babysitter for someone else. Again no sex, but lots of diaper use and wearing.

I found it a turn off. I just don’t get it. I have very little desire to relive my childhood. When I was little, my parents fought. When I was little, there was that one time with a neighbor… and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that… when I was little, all I wanted to do was grow up. Why would anyone want the opposite? It kind of reminded me of a mama’s boy complex, but at the same time, outwardly Ethan wasn’t like that at all. He seemed like a completely normal guy.

The more I understood, the less I wanted to be involved. I could see now why it was such a big secret for him. I can imagine having a friend or less understanding girlfriend use this as horrendous black mail or even just a simple destruction of social life. Some of the photos people post online… I can’t image what it’d do to me if my friends saw me dressed like that… not to mention my parents.

Soooo… as I said at the very beginning. My boyfriend is weird. I think I know what it is he wants, but I don’t think I want to give it… It just feels wrong. I talked to him about it, and I told him I’d do whatever he wants, just not… that….

I’m a tolerant girl… but I asked him not to go looking for what I wouldn’t provide. Innocence or whatever, I can’t imagine any part of diapering someone who isn’t actually a child, being non-sexual.


Hi, I’m Ethan. My girl filled me in on where she started and left off… and as I think she knows… I don’t know what it is I really want.

I have a fetish… that is, I have a desire which revolves around diapers… but I can’t really define what that desire is.

Maybe I want my girlfriend wearing diapers all the time and calling me daddy… but I’m not even sure about that. I think it’d be fun, and perhaps a good occasional kink option for us, but I know she doesn’t want that in even the remotest way.

Sometimes I think I’d like her to treat me that way, but even then I’m not sure. I like the feeling of wearing diapers, and footed sleepers, and things like that, but I’m soo scared. I’m so scared I’ll get caught, or looked down on. Even when I’m home alone, all the window blinds are down, the doors are locked and bolted, and I never ‘wear’ for more then a few short hours. I think if I were to truly let myself go and really get into it, I’d need someone who was more confident about it then me, and a place where I didn’t fear discovery.

Maybe that’s what I want with my girl. I know there are a few girls into this fetish, but they are few and far between and I can’t imagine having a fetish being the only thing that brought us together…. my girl is very right for me in all the ways besides my fetish, and I think that what I want is for her to just understand, be accepting, and maybe a little indulgent. I don’t know if that goes against what I just wrote a few paragraphs ago, but I think that having her wear diapers, and then me wear diapers, and watching stupid disney movies like we already do, would be enough.

There’s so many things I like about the fetish that I can’t really describe or get out in the open to even myself. I mean for part of it, I wish I could spend a day as a girl in diapers. No idea where that feeling comes from, since I LOVE being a guy, but its there. There’s also other times where I wish for complete regression back to when I was younger. Not sure where that one comes from either, but I think it’d be a lot of fun to run around being silly with nothing more expected of you then an afternoon nap and eating some fresh cookies.

The worst part is that I can’t give it up. I’ve never really tried, but I know that its not something I can just push aside. I think about it too casually and fantasize a bit too much.

I’ve got a hidden stash. It’s not much, especially by comparison to some of the people I know online… but its something my girl doesn’t know about. She assumes that this whole fetish is based online, and that I don’t bring it out into my real life… which for the most part is true, since I’m so scared… but I can’t help those rare times when I’m just in the mood…

It took months, actually, a year, before I got the courage to try asking my girl to do something with me. She has always been willing to try new things, partly to make up for the fact that she really hasn’t been willing to try what she knows is my fetish… and after arguing with myself a great deal, I knew that I’d have to ask her to do something she’d been quietly trying not too. I love her, I know she loves me, and I think I need to know if she’ll still love ALL of me, even after she gets a full taste of my weirdness. I still didn’t have the total guts to come right out with it and just ask… soooo, I decided to try and introduce it to some of our usual naughtiness.

We had just finished having sex, and I had cum inside her. Its something we usually do, she’s on the pill and we’re exclusive to each other, so there’s not much worry… the only thing is that she usually likes to get out of bed and clean herself up since theres… well lets just say that she doesn’t like sleeping in the eventual wet spots caused by our mutual coupling.

I figured it was a natural lead into what I wanted. I gently got up and eased her down to the pillow, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. She looked at me a little surprised, but then smiled probably thinking that I was game for a quick round two. I got off the bed and came back a moment later with a damp wash cloth.

“You really don’t need too, I can do that myself,” she giggled, but didn’t get up, obviously liking my attentiveness. I just nodded and cleaned her up, still feeling very nervous and perhaps a bit ballsy at what I was about to do. My girl didn’t know it, but I had part of my ‘stash’ hidden just under the bed.

In the past, I had figured something out about our sex. She wasn’t really as sexual as I was, and the one thing she really liked about sex, was the fact that it was individual attention. It was me and her, nothing else, just me focusing on her and our enjoyment of each other. While I enjoyed that too, I think I can only be fair in saying that I more enjoy the carnal feeling of pleasure from it… but I knew if I was going to get her interested in what I wanted to do, the key was going to be complete care of her. Simply put, I was going to try and show her how nice it could be if someone took care of her like a newborn.

She always liked it when I made the effort to carry her from the couch to the bed or hopped in the shower and washed her back with her. Now I was just going to take it to another level, and see if she could understand that.

Laying there naked, drifting around in the sexual afterglow, Amy wasn’t really paying close attention as I reached for a box under the bed. I took a deep breath and got out a plain white bambino. I got back on the bed with her and I know she could hear the crinkling now as I put the diaper down.

“What is that?”

“It’s exactly what you think it is…”

Amy closed her legs and sat up in bed. Whatever haze she’d been in before, she was out of it now.

“No,” she said simply.

In hindsight, I probably should have asked, and now I was only coming out as even more weird then she already thought I was.

I quietly put the diaper away under the bed. She was paying complete attention to what I was doing now, I knew that if I didn’t say anything about them, she’d check under the bed tomorrow.

“I have a few diapers… I occasionally wear them.”

“Why?”

“I enjoy it.”

Amy sat quiet for a while and got herself under the covers. I joined her in bed, both of us still naked, but she wasn’t as immediately cuddly as she usually was. I had to put an arm over her, and at least she didn’t remove it, but I could feel some coldness coming from her.

“You hate this part of me,” I said finally.

Amy sighed. “I don’t understand it… I know we’ve talked, and talked… but I don’t really want to be a part of it.”

I took my arm off of her. I know that in a way I was being childish, and trying to do this stupid thing where I made her feel guilty or like she owed this to me… but even as I tried to compose a conversation on how I could talk her into it, I couldn’t think of a reason besides a horny desire to find out if this was what I wanted. At the same time, I guess I couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal, but then again maybe that was just me being desensitized from all that I saw online.

We didn’t speak on it any further that night, although I knew that in the morning she’d probably find a way to ask I keep my ‘stash’ to myself. ….

------ To be continued… at least, we’ll see what happens next time I try something…. this is all based pretty much right out of real life experience. The names are different of course… but well… I’m pretty scared and I guess I should be happy with the fact that she’s at least tolerant, if she can’t be indulgent. Maybe I’ll figure out just what it is I want.

Re: Maybe She’ll Understand

A very good story. As you warn in the forward it is a bit wordy but the words have a purpose.

I can only hope she finds somehow to accept his fetish, maybe not participate butallow him his “diaper time”.

Re: Maybe She’ll Understand

very well written… as you said, it is rather wordy but for a story like this, wordy is appropriate.
seeing as this is based on fact, I do have a few things to say. I could never live my life like that. I know being picky makes love harder to find but what’s the point of being with a person who doesn’t love all of you? sometimes it feels like it’s impossible to find someone who’s accepting of your fetish… but that’s not true. it just takes the right person (and believe it or not, there are a lot of ‘right people’ out there0
regardless, I do hope you find real happiness someday ^.^
and as long as the person you’re with is so uncomfortable with what you do, it’ll be hard to accept yourself the way you would otherwise (be it alone or with someone more… open-minded)