Little girl is coming home

So this is my second story. My first one did just stop as I had no idea where it was going and my writing was dreadful but this story should be much much better.

A young girl walked around through the airport. She was 14 year old Lillian Pond. She had long brown hair that was naturally curly but in resent years she has been straightening it and styled it so it covered her face slightly, with a fringed that just covered the top of her amazing blue eyes and she also had very pale skin and was a normal hight but looked small and could pass for the age of 10 and maybe younger in the right clothing. At the moment however she was dressed in black skinny jeans a black tee shirt that said “bite me” and a big black hoodie with the hood up. She only had one small bag that she had swung over her right shoulder.

Since Lillian was 4 years old she had been attending boarding school in Scotland. She hasn’t seen her family in 10 years as it was far to expensive to fly her home for the holidays. She had been sent to boarding school as when she was 4 years old her fathers company hit it big and they came into a great deal of money and in his eyes getting a good education for his youngest daughter was the best way for the company to stay in the family and he thought that going to Boarding school might help her grow up a bit. You see when Lillian was was younger she was very childish for her age she would still wet the bed and wouldn’t go any where with out her teddy and blanket, she clinged to her mother and father and like to copy her big sister, most of this was actually very normal for her age but her father wanted her to grow up faster and thought the separation would help her grow up a little.

Lillian hated boarding school with a passion. When she first arrived she was picked on for wetting the bed which she still hasn’t grown out of . She did all right in class but wasn’t the best but was very good in art. The school made her ware diapers at night for her bed wetting, which just embarrassed her more.As she got older the bullies got worse. When she was around 9 they started to beat her and humiliate her in more elaborate ways. She is now left with a number of scars all over her body and some weak bones after they were broken. A few months ago the worst thing happened. Her bullies realized that this would be there last time abusing Lillian as she was going back home to go to high school in her home town so the bullies went out with a bang. They attacked her and violated her. She was left beaten beoned balef but didn’t go to the doctor or tell the school as she knew they would do nothing for her. For a month she was worried that she was pregnant but after about 19 test she found she wasn’t but she did however now have diapers to change 24/7 her own. Yes the bullies had hurt her so bad she was now completely incontinent. She had hid it from the school and now intend to hid it from her parents. So right now under her clothing she was warning a tena pad i her panties. She knew this wouldn’t hold but she was being suborn and refused to ware diapers in the day time.

Lillian walked around the airport not really sure who to look for as no one told her who was picking her up or where the would meet her. She walked around till she accidental bumped into someone and fell back onto her but.“Oh I’m sorry.” She said trying to get up.

“Lillian?” A femal voice asked and Lillian looked up to see her mother, father and her 16 year old sister Megan. ……
I think that is a good place to end this bit just to get you intrested :stuck_out_tongue:

Re: Little girl is coming home

Sounds like a summary of the first chapter. Please do more showing and less telling.

Re: Little girl is coming home

Needs work and proof reading.


Re: Little girl is coming home

Kirst1 I will always encourage people to keep writing and posting. The more you write and people comment the better you get.

What you have so far in this needs a lot of work. It has some major problems, some minor ones, and some positive points. The challenge is to take your ideas and develop them in a way that does not detract from them.

As WriteAndLeft said, one approach of good writers is to Show what you want to express, instead of telling the reader. Don’t tell us how she is feeling, show us through her actions. Don’t tell us what she is doing, show us or describe to us what she is doing. This is a hard skill to learn and do as a writer. Some stuff you have to tell the reader, and others you can show through actions. When you find that right balance, it will dramatically improve your writing.

Your first paragraph is a physical description of your main character. Try not to put this all in one spot and usually the better stories do not put the description in the first paragraph. You started good, “A young girl walked around through the airport.” The second sentence may also be okay there, but the rest of the paragraph can wait to other points in the story.

My biggest problem with your story so far however, is your background information. A kid sent to boarding school at 4 years old? Not completely believable, but possible. If as a reader I have to stretch to believe that, the fact that she never went home for 10 years is going to far, especially when you state that she never went home because of money. Then you state “her fathers company hit it big and they came into a great deal of money.” So they have the money to send her to boarding school in another country, and the money to pay extra to have her stay there during Vacations, Breaks, and Holidays, but they don’t have the money for her to come home in 10 years? This is no longer believable. The fact that she still wet the bed and had to wear diapers at night at 4 is believable, but not very believable that she got harassed for it. You are looking at probably more than 50% of four year olds that still wet the bed. Over 10 years of physical and psychological abuse that included broken bones and a rape, yet the school knew nothing about this and did nothing to prevent it? I have a hard time believing that, especially with a school that would take kids as young as 4. Then you add on top of it all that she is now incontinent and needs diapers 24/7 but the school didn’t know about it? Very unlikely.

There are a lot of far fetched things you can put in a story and just ask the reader to believe it, but you have put way to many in all together in two paragraphs within the first three paragraphs of your story. The reader has to bend their image of reality a bit too much to make it all believable. Understand you have established a main character that is so psychologically unstable given that background, that she would not be able to function normally. Then you add her father who wanted her at 4 to felt normal 4 year old behaviors were immature, so will most likely not respond well to having a 14 year old in diapers. I suspect you will find it hard to write a character who is faced with so much psychological damage and issues. A character dealing with just one of Lillian’s issues is hard to develop, but with all of these issues? Why?

Keep writing, the more you write the better you will get. Use spell checker and grammer checker in word before posting. Your writing will improve the more you write. I look forward to seeing what you write next.


Re: Little girl is coming home

Thank you for the replies and especially to you Teekabell that was really helpful. I like reading replies that don’t just tell me where I went wrong but how to fix it. What you said about paragraph one is something I have been trying to fix but I kinda lose track of what I was doing wile writing this and just wrote my thoughts down right away but I will use your advice latter on.

Now what you said about the hole kid being sent away at 4 is posabel I know of boarding schools that tack kids that young. I do see that it is all a little dramatic with the 10 years with out seeing her parents but I will explain why she wasn’t brought home at the holidays soon.

I also know that be mad at a 4 year old for asking babyish is unlikely but once again this was just a short starter to see how I feel about the story so it hasn’t went on to explain much about her father, who she has some real problems with.

You also said about the school and how she wouldn’t be picked on for wetting the bed and such at 4, which is write I probably wored that wrong but it was also slightly older students that would be picking on her. What you said about the school not doing something to stop this is unrealisti but it is a story so the school and be as crap as I can make it really.

Thank you for the help I will write more eventually and I will work on my spelling as well.

Re: Little girl is coming home

I love your stories, thanks for sharing all of your work, and you continue to improve as a writer over time.