In Neo Soviet Russia…
Olena paced through the little cottage; she was restless. Something was on her mind and it wouldn’t let go. All across her desk were stacks of the strangest objects; something she’d been collecting for years. They were trinkets from an ancient time, miraculously preserved over thousands of years. They told of an existence long since gone; one from before the rule of the great Rodina, an existence even outdating the thousand-year Reich, one from the deepest of ancient history. These trinkets, these keepsakes, they were called “books” and they were filled with text which described the most bizarre cultures.
It had taken many years to learn the old, tribal language most commonly used in the text. English was an odd and confusing tongue; with its inconsistent rules and seemingly pointless alphabet, it was no surprise to her that its supporters had been similarly disorganized in war, so much so that even the arrogant Germans of old could sweep over them so easily. History was great fun.
Her people, unlike those of the foolish Reich, did not forbid the reading of old texts nor discourage the people from studying the past. Instead, they often amused themselves by laughing at the primitive cultures that came before them. Devices that harnessed lightning or fire were the same to her as beating on things with rocks and sticks; and yet, despite the hilarity, Olena found herself fascinated by these simpletons, and would often pour through her collected texts, trying to imagine what life might be like for such people.
One thing that surprised her was what she discovered of the ancient diets. Apparently, humans back then—even her own Russian ancestors—regularly consumed the most foul, horrifying substances. Unsurprisingly, the effect upon their bodies was dire. Every manner of side-effect was frequent, even considered common, normal, and acceptable. Horrible rashes on their skin, chemical imbalances in the brain, fluid secretion through pores, and even nausea were common; their bodies often couldn’t metabolize the food as fast as they consumed, causing them to swell greatly. However, most intriguing to her was the discovery that no matter what, or how much they consumed, their bodies could never make complete use of the substances. Ancient humans would need to defecate or urinate, just like wild animals. Amazingly, this was also common.
Russians—the current and only people of earth—hadn’t needed to defecate or urinate for nearly eight hundred years. Completing the work started by the scientists of the Reich, they had long-since perfected the production of food which provided sustenance without waste. Even vodka had no ill-effects on their bodies. Still, a mere millennium wasn’t time enough for evolution to root out their now-almost-useless organs and orifices.
Olena reached up under her gown, gently tracing her finger through the crevice between her upper thighs. Tender nerves fired as her finger brushed past; that hole used to open to expel solid waste, what an odd sensation that must have been. Hers, like everyone else’s, was all but sealed—just like her navel—having never been used, there was now no chance of it ever serving its ancient purpose. Olena withdrew her finger, suddenly conscious to the oddity of her ponderings.
She had been reading recently of strange garments. Worn primarily by infants—which, amazingly, were incontinent at birth, as well as incapable of both speech and walking—these garments—diapers, or nappies, as they were called—would catch the freely-falling defecate and absorb urine. Ancient infants, it seemed, required near-constant care, and diapers needed to be replaced multiple times daily for several years. Olena marveled at such a society, primitive though it was, it must have been wild thing to see.
Sitting down for a moment, she sipped her mug of vodka, smiling as its potent reassurance radiated from her midst. Furthermore, she smiled at the thought that vodkas of old would have people stumbling, dizzy, delirious, even becoming arguably incontinent with higher levels of poisoning. She was glad that the vodka in her mug didn’t have such devastating effects.
Still, there was something on her mind, and no amount of calming drink could remove it. The description of these “diapers” was intriguing by itself; soft, cushioned garments, wrapped tightly around the waist. She’d even found depictions of several designs. These, she had found while browsing through some colorized catalogs of various products. Even though her collection of these depictions only spanned a mere fifty-year period, the designs of diapers varied wildly. She found herself drawn to the older of the designs, which featured a plastic exterior, whereas later depictions resembled cloth. No matter how long she stared at the depictions, and no matter how many different ways she questioned herself, she couldn’t figure out what it was that made her so curious of these diapers and their uses. One thing was certain, and that was that she would soon know much, much more.
Recently, she had been rooting through old plans, design sketches, and patterns; building instructions for all manner of items. Most of them were uninteresting, but one of them was a set of instructions for manufacturing an infant’s diaper. While the details were originally intended to be used for mass-production, the materials list was more than enough for her curiosity. If there had ever been any hope of repressing such curiosity, it was now far, far gone.
With these new details as her guide, she began writing up a new plan for construction. She would recreate the diaper; but this one would be much better, custom-made from the best materials, and fitted exactly to her frame. Even better, she had come up with a solution to overcome her own physical traits, specifically her lack of need for such a garment. With her plans finished, she finished her vodka and made her way into the basement.
Down in the basement were many shelves holding all manner of items; hundreds upon hundred of books and other ancient items. Olena was quite the collector, but while she was fascinated by the distant past, she didn’t steer away from modern technology. One specific device in her possession was far and away her favorite, and likely the favorite of anyone who owned it. This device could rearrange and synthesize materials at a nearly molecular level, giving its user an almost limitless ability to create. Hers, like most people’s, was a general home-use variation, and as such, there were some additional limitations that the laboratory versions lacked; nothing that would hinder her work, thankfully.
With the new list of materials and patterns at her side, she began her work. First, the absorbent cushion, which consisted of several layers. After studying the properties of air-laid paper and super-absorbent polymers, she opted to create her own, improved versions, rather than directly reconstruct what had existed in the past. Deftly swishing her hands through the holographic display, she carefully developed a thick, woven material, non-harmful to the skin, and flexible without being flimsy. The result was as close to the ancient design as she could manage without creating something potentially hazardous—old materials were fraught undiscovered side-effects. Her substitute for super-absorbent polymers was simple, but analytics indicated it would again be much more effective. Olena saved the project in multiple stages to separate files in case she should wish to revisit and try out different designs.
Once the woven padding was done, she began working on the outer shell. This part was simpler, and most of her time was spent adjusting the dimensions to match her frame. These diapers were apparently slid underneath the child, and the “wings” wrapped around from the back, securing across the front with some form of adhesive. Eventually, she had finished designing the basic form. Standing back for a moment, she admired the hologram in front of her. Olena rested only for a minute, and soon began to work with the coloring. Doing her best to match the design she’d referenced, she set the ruffled waistband and leg cuffs to a soft pink hue. Across the panel which would end up being the front of the garment, she arranged a scattering of colorful cartoon animals, each with smiling, happy faces.
Satisfied with her work, she set the device to fabricate the garment per her designs. As soon as she inserted a few chunks of raw material, the machine went to work. Lights and lasers flashed as the machine began to form and assemble the very molecules that would soon be the first diaper made in over seven hundred years. Furthermore, this particular design hadn’t been seen for nearly two millenniums. Excitement washed over her as she watched her creation slowly take form, she could barely contain it.
She didn’t have to wait long, however, as barely five minutes later, the device had finished; the diaper was ready. Her diaper was ready, and it looked amazing. Gingerly lifting it up, she felt the smooth, plastic exterior. She gasped lightly when she tested its flexibility and the diaper suddenly made a loud crinkling sound. Wondering if this was supposed to happen, she flexed it over and over, each time causing it produce an unmistakable crinkle. Perhaps this was why the later iterations switched to a cloth-like design. She concluded that reducing noise made sense, but she found herself liking the loud crinkle regardless of practicality. For the next few minutes, she just admired the diaper. Turning it over again and again, she was surprised at its thickness, as it was clearly much thicker than their hyper-efficient thermal winter clothes. Just by sizing it up with her eyes, she estimated the cushioning to be about four centimeters thick. It was hard to tell the exact dimensions of the originals, plus she had to deal with scaling the whole thing up to her own size, so it was possible that she had made it incorrectly. Still, it seemed plenty flexible for its thickness.
Her heart was racing, just from holding this thing; she couldn’t imagine what it must be like to actually wear it. Luckily, she didn’t have to wait. Pausing for an agonizing few seconds to refresh her memory on how the garment was supposed to be applied, she quickly scanned her book before proceeding to lie down on the floor. Hiking her gown up to her chest, she looked down and carefully guided the diaper under her bottom. The cushion that greeted her skin upon lowering felt like it could easily pass for a small futon, and the plastic exterior announced her landing with a series of distinctive crinkles. With the wings evenly protruding at both sides, she began to fold the other end of the diaper up between her legs. This didn’t work as expected, as she soon found that the sheer width of the garment required her to spread her legs very wide in order to accommodate the diaper between them. She managed, and soon found the waistband of the diaper almost reaching her navel. This seemed to roughly match the positioning of the waistband underneath her, so she gave it another light pull to ensure a snug fit. Before she applied the adhesive from the tabs, she tested their reach to ensure that they would fasten evenly across the front. Again, pulling on them to ensure a snug fit, she fastened both tabs to the front panel. It was done, she was the first person to wear a diaper in several hundred years.
For a few minutes, she didn’t move, preferring to just lay on the floor, drinking in the pleasant sensation of her amazing garment. Secured tightly around her waist and between her legs, the almost overwhelming bulk of the diaper hugged her like a dozen layers of blankets. In their advanced society, clothing and bedding materials had become so efficient that something barely thicker than a fingernail could keep a person toasty warm even in sub-freezing temperatures. This diaper was a product of a far less efficient era, but there was something wholly unexplainable as to why its massive thickness was so comforting. And to think, infants used to wear these nearly all the time. Olena marveled at how they could even walk while wearing such a garment.
Again, she had no need to speculate. Even as she sat up, the bulky diaper pulled more tightly around her waist, crinkling all the while. Carefully, and with much wobbling, she struggled to her feet, taking a very wide stance as dictated by the billowing material between her legs. Slowly, she began to toddle across the room, thinking that she must certainly look like some type of penguin as she rocked side to side with each crinkling step. The gentle texture brushed her skin as she moved, but due to the bulk and the snug fit, its caress was defined, bold, impossible to ignore. All the attention around her private region wasn’t unwelcome, but it was certainly unexpected, and even less expected to be as pleasant as this. There wasn’t a moment when the diaper wasn’t touching her, and with each—even the slightest—movement, she found the sensation to be continually more stimulating.
Remembering a book about the infants of ancient civilizations, she recalled that they were slow to learn, often living well more than a year before they could even stand upright or walk. As their primary mode of transportation was crawling, she too got down on her hands and knees. Bent over as she was, her diaper now pulled more snuggly across her bottom. As she began to move around the room, she felt the tug and pull of the cuffs around her legs; never before had she experienced something so bulky or constricting. It felt foreign to her. Everything her society wore; everything they built; it was all minimal, efficient, nothing like the wasteful societies of the ancient world. This garment may as well have come from another planet, but it was amazingly comforting, like a firm hug from a friend.
But she wasn’t done yet.
Again wobbling to her feet, she returned to her machine. Taking a wide stance, she waved aside her still-visible diaper design and began working on something new. This new creation was another thing which had required extensive research. As always with this type of thing, she had to be very careful not to create anything harmful. In this case, she had been studying animals, mostly primates, to glean information about their waste. In the distant past, even humans defecated and urinated—or pooped and peed, as it was frequently called back then—just like animals; and while it would be dangerous to even attempt to reproduce such an effect within herself, she could at least replicate the experience in part. As she’d never had to poop or pee in her life, it was too risky to do so now; instead, she merely aimed to reproduce the feel as best she could. Thus, she had accumulated many notes on the consistency and texture of animal waste, at least those which were closest to that of ancient humans.
For her purposes, she created two tiny devices, hardly larger than apple seeds. Each one would release a different chemical upon activation. One chemical was designed to react with the air, quickly producing a significant amount of water within a very specific area; the other would coalesce into an expanding substance, which would be of a much more solid consistency. It had taken a great deal of time to develop a reaction that would be effective, but also safe around her skin. The particles needed to react exclusively within certain confines, otherwise they could cause a large mess, or even become hazardous. Nevertheless, she had done her research and was confident that everything would work as intended. The two devices were set to be voice activated, each one with a specific keyword, and were added to her recent diaper design; one device embedded into the padding at the back, the other in the padding directly between the legs, just a little forward of center.
Removing her current diaper, she folded it up and inserted it into the machine through its raw materials receptacle. Setting the machine to fabricate the updated design, she patiently waited the few minutes it took for her next toy to materialize, all the while being acutely aware of the lack of bulk between her legs. She had only worn the diaper for fifteen minutes or so, but now that she no longer had it on, she could once again feel the air move freely beneath her gown. Soon enough though, the machine had finished its process, and a brand new diaper lay before her. She picked it up and inspected it closely; it was barely possible to tell where the devices were, but there they were, visible only upon close examination, woven into the white padding.
Giddiness and excitement were already creeping up on her, but she forced herself to calm down enough to repeat the motions of fastening herself, once more, into the bulky garment. As she toddled across the room and up the stairs, back toward the living room, she recalled that nearly all clothing worn by infants of the same time period would have been thick, soft, and clumsy. More ideas began to pop into her head, but she pushed them aside; there would be time enough for that on another day.
From the kitchen, she poured a small glass of relaxing vodka, hoping it would help calm her nerves; but as she sipped her drink, she found herself pacing the length of the room, unsure how to proceed. Her loudly crinkling waddle only kept her mind focused exclusively on the gargantuan diaper around her waist. She wondered how an infant of that time would… do it. Did they make waste at random, or did they take a particular stance like some animals did? She had two devices; which should she activate first?
Shortly, she noticed that her glass was empty. This was enough to shake her mind loose from wildly over-thinking her situation. Setting the glass down on a nearby table, she took a deep breath an closed her eyes. The keywords for the devices were chosen from the wild, dead language that was called English. The appropriate terms for what she was about to do had been long since forgotten, her modern society having no use for them whatsoever; all that was left in her own tongue were scientific terms, none of which sounded good to her.
After a mental coin toss, she had selected which word to say first. It was a single syllable word, not far removed from the other; but as she spoke, it sounded silly, embarrassing; she liked that, but didn’t entirely know why.
“Poop,” there; it was done. No backing out now, her diaper would soon being to—
Immediately she gasped as she suddenly felt the strangest, most peculiar sensation; something was moving inside her diaper! It was warm, slippery, almost like a liquid in texture, but it was firm, not entirely conforming to the shape of its surroundings. This slimy substance felt like very wet clay or thick mud, but weirdest of all, it was growing, and spreading as it grew. Steadily, for the next minute, the sticky substance expanded, coating both the inside of the diaper that confined it and the sensitive skin against which it was kept. Olena braced herself as the substance passed slowly across her posterior, finally stopping when it seemed to have covered most of her backside. Her diaper now felt noticeably heavier, and its new weight pulled more tightly on the waistband.
Carefully, she reached around and felt the back of her diaper. It protruded more than it originally had, which was certainly noteworthy; and further still, even her gentle touch on the exterior caused the mess within to spread even further. Every move she made caused the “poop” to slide back and forth against her skin. It felt like nothing she could even hope to describe, but she knew she enjoyed it. Like a thick cream, it soothed and comforted, but at the same time it stimulated and aroused. She pressed harder against the back of her diaper, further spreading the soft mass; a moan escaped her lips. Glancing behind her, she saw she was in front of her couch, so she sat down. Again, the mush spread within the confines of her diaper. Pressed by her weight, it slid forward, reaching the very sensitive area right between her legs; another moan. She couldn’t help it, all this soft caressing was undeniably arousing; she had to keep going.
She almost whispered the other keyword, scared but excited at what was about to happen. “Pee.”
Instantly, just like with the poop, there was another foreign activity inside her diaper. Warm water rushed all round her private area, quickly mixing with the soft substance which was already present. The diaper itself began absorbing the liquid, almost as fast as it came, and the already thick padding began to swell even more. While the plastic exterior was flexible and strong, it wasn’t very stretchy, and once it had fully expanded, the material began to expand inwardly, pressing itself—and the abundant moisture—firmly against her skin. The front of her diaper had inflated as much as it could; no longer just a soft cushion, it had now taken on a new firmness.
Flipping up her gown, she pressed the bulging garment. Unlike with all of her other clothes, she couldn’t feel her hand through the material; instead, she only felt an increase in pressure as the soft inner padding rubbed against her. Harder and harder she pressed, enjoying the sensation immensely. No, she couldn’t just press; she had to rub, to slide the smoothness against her skin. A deep moan rumbled inside her. As she rubbed more vigorously, she also began to rock forward and back. The thick mess squeezed beneath her and pushed forward, coating her skin in a much more distinct—yet similarly smooth and wet—texture. Each time she rocked back, the diaper and its contents would pull away from her skin just a little; just a moment to breathe; only for it to be squished around again—farther than before—as she rocked forward once again.
Her breath came heavy as she continued to rub and press the bulky plastic. Inside her diaper, the wet mess was slithering and slopping around her privates, causing each nerve to fire off signals of incredible pleasure. Soon, she wasn’t simply rocking, but was now thrusting forward and back, forcing the goop in her diaper to squelch loudly, even over the raucous crinkling from the garment itself. By now, the inside of her diaper was coated front to back with the faux poop. Artificial though it was, the sensations it gave her were very real and very enjoyable. For a moment she wondered how something so primitive, so barbaric, could be so pleasurable; or why, if it was this pleasurable, had it been lost to time. Those thoughts—that mature, calculated reasoning—lasted only for a second, soon vanishing as her mind lost focus on everything; everything that wasn’t the immense stimulation between her legs.
Despite her valiant efforts, it remained impossible for her to reach herself through the diaper’s billowing front; instead, she could only rub its exterior and grind herself against the couch cushion. Her arousal grew and grew, urging her to rub harder and harder until she found herself bucking wildly, covering her mouth and trying not to scream out as waves of bliss washed over her. Finally, she slumped back, reclining deep into the couch. She never would have guessed ancient customs would be so stimulating. As she closed her eyes, she wondered if barbarians of the old world had ever enjoyed a pleasure like this. It seemed unlikely as these diapers were merely practical garments.
Such unfortunate, primitive folk; they had missed out.
Disclaimer: this story is in no way intended as propaganda for the Neo Soviet Russian Empire, nor is it intended to support or defame the Thousand Year Reich, any genuine complaints regarding these matters will be met with extreme sarcasm.
I’d like to thank that certain someone (you know who you are) who suggested I write “the diaper that shits its diaper.” This is the best I can do; sorry if it’s not good enough.
I’d also like to thank Cute-Kitten for the thoroughly-detailed and genre-defining mystical lore that she established in God From the Machine, I have not yet reached such lofty standards in literature; but really, who could?