When I woke on Saturday morning, I was soaked as I had guessed I would be. It was early, I was the first one awake and I wanted to eat cereal and watch Saturday morning cartoons. I realized that I had managed to leak a bit; there was a medium sized wet spot under me. I climbed out of bed and took off my wet PJ bottoms and stood there in just my soaked Pamper and PJ tops.
I remembered the accident from the night before. I was worried about being teased by Tom and Robby if they caught me walking down the hallway in my soaked diaper to ask mom for help. I picked up my PJ bottoms and looked at them, they were a little wet from where the diaper leaked, but not too noticeable because they were a dark color. I carefully ripped open the diaper tapes and let the wet Pamper fall to the floor with a splat. I then pulled my PJ bottoms back on and went down the hall to my parents’ room.
I carefully turned the knob, opening the door a crack and peeking inside I saw that my parents were still in bed sleeping. I opened the door enough to sneak in, closed it behind me and tip-toed to my mother’s side of the bed.
“Mom” I whispered as I gently nudged her shoulder with my hand.
“mmmm what…what time is it dear”
“I don’t know” I answered.
“Can you go back to bed honey” she mumbled.
“No mommy, I want to watch cartoons and have some cereal” I said.
“huh?…oh Elizabeth…it’s you…good morning sweetie” she said as she opened her eyes and yawned a bit.
My father was still snoring on the other side of the bed.
“Mommy I was wet when I woke up and it leaked a bit” I said.
My mother yawned again and stretched. “Ok sweetie, you need some help huh?”
“Yes please” I said.
My mom looked at me and focused, and then she moved to a sitting position and got up out of bed. She stretched a bit, and then knelt down to give me a hug.
“Sweetie did you take off your diaper already?” she asked when she noticed no visible diaper under my PJ’s.
“Yeah…cause it was really wet.” I said.
“Where did you put it?” my mom asked.
“I left it in my room on the floor” I said.
“Oh sweetie you can’t leave it there, it will get all smelly and we don’t want a ruined carpet. Let’s go take care of that shall we?” she said.
“Sorry mommy” I said.
She took me quietly out of her bedroom and back down the hall to my room where she retrieved my wet diaper, and rolled it up. We then went back down the hall to the bathroom. She helped me out of my PJ’s and dropped them in the laundry hamper.
“Sit on the toilet sweetie and try to go” my mom told me.
“But I don’t have to go now” I told her.
"Sweetie, please try, I’m going to go down to the laundry room and get you some clean underwear, it’s only 7 O’Clock and I’d like to sleep a bit longer…your father and brothers are still asleep too. Try to go and I’ll get you cleaned up afterwards ok?
“Ok” I said reluctantly.
“Good girl” my mom said. She then closed the bathroom door behind her as she left to find me something to wear.
I sat on the toilet and thought about my accident from the night before. I remembered that I was worried about Scott finding out about it. I hated the idea of him thinking of me as a poopy diaper baby. Scott didn’t think like that, I knew, and he had never made fun of me like the other kids had. This of course had not been my first poopy accident, I had had several over the past few years, and Scott had even been witness to at least two of them that I could remember. He had never said anything or made fun of me either of those times. I stopped worrying and concentrated, before long I was peeing and pooping in the toilet like the big girl I was supposed to be.
As I sat there I remembered one such accident. I had recently turned 6 and Scott was coming over for a sleep over with my brothers. It was late afternoon in the early summer and I had just had another poopy accident in my pants. I had been outside playing and it just happened. I knew I should have gone to the potty earlier but I was running around with my brothers and they were chasing me, we were having fun…I just forgot to go. By the time I knew I was pooping, as always, it was too late. I couldn’t hold it back and I just stood there feeling the mess fill my panties.
It was a horrible mess, there was a huge lump around my bottom and my light pink shorts started to take on a brown stain. Tom noticed it first, but to my surprise, he didn’t say anything, he just put his hands over his mouth to hide his laughter and ran over to Robby who was just coming around the corner of the house into the back yard.
Tom whispered to Robby and pointed at me, and then the two of them laughed and ran back in the house. I wondered why they hadn’t teased me outright. My mother had recently scolded both of them for doing so and I guessed that maybe my brothers decided that this time they didn’t want any more trouble.
I stood there in the back yard with a mess in my pants, frozen to the spot I began to cry. I looked around in shame to see if anyone else was around that could see me. I was alone. I went and hid behind a tree and cried for another 5 minutes. After I had cried myself out, I knew it was time to go face the music, so I made my way back to the house. As I walked into the kitchen through the side door, I found my mother talking to Scott. I was mortified. He obviously had just arrived while I had been out back crying like a baby. I kept my back side hidden as best as I could, but there was nowhere to go…the only way out was back outside. But I had already been seen, I couldn’t just turn and run, that would only be more embarrassing.
“The boys are playing around here somewhere” my mother was telling Scott. “Try downstairs in the TV room…we’re having pizza for dinner later, I’ll call you all up.” She had just finished telling Scott when she turned and saw me. They both turned and looked at me.
“Hey there Lizzy…watchya doing?” Scott asked me.
“I…um…I was…we were playing tag outside.” I managed to squeak out just before Tom and Robby appeared in the doorway at the far end of the kitchen.
Tom grabbed Scott’s arm and pulled him close, he whispered in his ear and they both looked at me. Tom was grinning from ear to ear, but Scott didn’t smile or laugh, he actually gave Tom a look that was almost disapproving.
Scott turned to Robby and Said “Come on guys; let’s go find something to do.” He led the way out of the kitchen, I think they went upstairs to Tom’s room, but I didn’t care. I was just glad that they were gone, but also devastated that Scott knew my predicament. Tears began to well up in my eyes again.
“Lizzy are you ok sweetie?” my mom asked.
I began to cry. I shook my head indicating that I was not ok.
“I…I had a accident in my pants” I whimpered. “I’m sorry mommy…I didn’t mean to.” I cried.
“Oh dear!” my mother said. She walked over to me and knelt down. “Turn around so I can see.” She instructed me. “Oh yuck” she said as the messy seat of my shorts came into view.
“PeeeeUuuu! Oh Sweetie you really have to do better!” she said. “Come on; let’s go get you cleaned up.”
“I’m sorry.” I said again through my tears.
“I know you are Lizzy but you really have to pay attention to your body signs…we’ve talked and talked about this.” My mom told me.
“I know…I’m sorry.” I cried louder.
As she brought me out of the kitchen and down the hall to the first floor bathroom, I saw Robby sitting on the stairway that led upstairs. He was trying to hide himself just above the landing, and was looking at my messy bottom as I walked down the hall. He was covering his mouth and giggling. I continued to cry.
When we reached the bathroom my mother removed my shirt, then carefully stood me in the tub and gently removed my messy shorts and panties. The poop was huge and smooshed all over my panties. My mother just dropped them in the garbage bag, she didn’t even want to try and save them. The shorts were only stained…she dropped those in the sink, filled it with liquid soap and warm water and let them soak. Later she would put them in the wash.
Mom then turned her attention to me; she turned on the tub’s faucet and adjusted the water temperature. When it was just right she took the hand held shower head and began to wash down my back side, rinsing my mess down the drain. When I was thoroughly rinsed clean, and the residual mess and gone down the drain, she filled the tub with warm soapy water and gave me a bath.
A short while later; when the bath was over, I was toweled dry, and then carried upstairs to my bedroom. My mother set me down on my bed, still wrapped in the big soft towel. She left me there for a minute and walked down the hall. I could hear her in the bathroom opening and closing things. She came back with an arm load of diapering supplies.
“Mom it’s too early for that!” I said. “It’s not bedtime yet!” I insisted.
“Little girls who can’t keep their pants clean sometimes need a reminder of the consequences.” She told me.
I didn’t know what she was talking about…just that this was some sort of punishment.
“Do I have to go to bed early?” I asked.
“No sweetie you haven’t even had dinner yet.” She replied. “But since you have had so many problems remembering to get to the bathroom on time, you’re going to wear a diaper for the rest of the evening.” She said.
That was the first and only time I remember my mother using the diapers as a punishment. I think she felt bad about it the next day. Punishing me for something that I was having problems controlling was never her style. But I had been having quite a few accidents at that time and I think she was overly frustrated with having to constantly clean me up and do extra laundry.
“Mommy, please!” I begged, “I’ll be better, can’t we wait until bed time?”
“I’m sorry sweetie, but I’ve just thrown out a good pair of your underwear and I’m too tired to do any more laundry today.” She said. “Now take off the towel and lay down!” she insisted loudly.
I whimpered but didn’t cry. Looking back on that event, I think she had been drinking that afternoon. It was a weekend afternoon in the summer time; she and my father had been “relaxing” on the patio ever since early afternoon. I tell myself now that it was the alcohol that made her do it, I don’t think she would ever have meant to humiliate me. I’ve always loved my mother and this one moment of shame and embarrassment is easily forgiven.
She had brought in more supplies than usual I remember thinking. As I lay there on the bed enduring the diapering, she took her time. After she slid the fresh Pamper under my bottom, she did something that I don’t ever remember her having done. She may have done it when I was a little baby…but I sure didn’t remember it ever being done in my older diaper days.
She had become very calm now, and seemed almost to be in a world of her own. Mom opened a small jar of Vaseline; she stuck in her finger and brought out a generous dollop on her finger tip. She then lifted my legs in the air, exposing my rear end, and suddenly I felt her finger tip rubbing the Vaseline right around my bottom hole!
I squeaked in surprise at the intrusion. The only other time I remember feeling so surprised and embarrassed was when having my temperature taken in my bottom, something that would be done to me when I caught colds until I was almost 9 years old.
In reality it probably only lasted a few seconds, but for me it seemed to last forever. I felt her finger circling my bottom hole, felt the Vaseline being rubbed all around. And as she applied it, my mother was actually cooing to me.
“shhhh shhh shhh little sweetie….there there…I’ll make it all better” She said softly as she applied the Vaseline.
She seemed to be not really there, as if she were remembering me from a younger age and I was still her little baby. It didn’t last long, but just when I thought she was finished, she gave one last dab, right up my little bottom hole.
I squeaked in surprise again, much louder this time “Mommy!” I said.
The only reply I got was “There…there, almost done baby…hold still.”
I just lay there and waited for it to be over. Thinking about how I’d be diapered all evening…well before my regular bed time. Wondering if I’d have to use the diaper and get another changing like this one before bed.
After she had finished with the Vaseline, my mother wiped her fingers with a baby wipe, and then picked up a bottle of baby powder. She hardly ever powdered me when she diapered me for nighttime. The smell of the fresh Pamper scent was strong enough…but now I would smell even more baby fresh. I dreaded the thought of having to be around my brothers and Scott in such a state.
She applied the powder as gently as she had the Vaseline, taking her time and still shushing me softly. I felt like she didn’t even know I was there. Finally she finished with the powder, pulled the diaper up between my legs and taped it shut.
“There we go sweetie, now let’s just get your nightie on”
“No mom, PJ’s!” I begged.
“I’m sorry Lizzy but all your PJ’s are in the wash.” You’ll have to wear this tonight.
She pulled out a white nightie and pulled it over my head, helping me get my arms through the holes. I hated not being able to wear PJ’s. Even though my diaper was clearly visible under my pajama bottoms, with the nightie on, the crinkle was much louder and you could practically see right through the nightie and tell that I was in a big thick Pamper. It was really just like sitting around in a diaper and very little else. I never had cared about Scott seeing me in my diapers, knowing he never had and never would tease me. But knowing that I would have to sit around with my older brothers there snickering all evening long, was torture.
For anyone on the outside looking in, It’s hard to imagine what it feels like to sit around in a big thick diaper when everyone else around you is potty trained…knowing you should be too, feeling that everyone is looking at you, knowing that you’re confined in your own personal potty chair. I was a time bomb waiting to go off…wondering how long I’d be able to hold out before I would eventually have to ask my mom if I could take the diaper off to use the toilet or if I’d just surrender and have another accident…this time in my diaper, just like a baby.
It took a long time for me to find my self esteem in my teenage years…but I was strong, I was smart, and I managed to do so. So many memories of my childhood involve having accidents, and wearing diapers, but that morning, while I sat on the toilet waiting for my mother to return with some clothes, that one messy accident stuck in my head. I think mostly because Scott had been there to see it.
I finished using the toilet just as my mom returned from the laundry room.
“All finished?” she asked.
“Yes.” I replied.
“How’d you do?” she asked me.
“I made a poop and a pee.” I said shyly in a tone that showed I was embarrassed.
“Good girl.” My mother said, patting me on my head.
She proceeded to wipe me up with baby wipes carefully cleaning my entire diaper area to remove any pee from the night before, she gave my bottom a few extra wipes as well to make sure I had done a good enough job. Mom then helped me into a pair of purple panties, jean shorts, and a pink t-shirt with red white and blue stars on it. After I was dressed, mom made me a bowl of cereal and sent me off to the TV room to watch cartoons. She went back to bed for another hour.
As I sat there on the couch watching Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck try to outsmart Elmer Fudd, I began to cheer up and munched my cereal happily thinking about how Scott would be here with me tonight.