Helpless

General
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I’m lying on my couch at going-on-3AM on a Monday morning because I can’t even think about going to sleep. Not now. Not with what is whirling around in my mind. Half an hour ago I read the post from Renko’s wife. I tried to respond to it as well as I could, since I may be the only one awake at this ridiculous hour and if I were her I’d want a response ASAP, but I’m not at all the one best equipped for that job. Others, I’m sure, will add their thoughts later. But I’m lying here stuck with her frustration and Renko’s pain in my head, and to that I have added something of my own: helplessness.

We participate in these online “communities,” right? From them, we take what we need: entertainment (stories), conversation, maybe a dash of cyber friendship. If it is support community, we also take whatever support and advice we can glean from the other members who are, of course, there to seek the same from us. But does a community like this one, a forum that exists to provide a place to publish and critique stories, really act like a community? I ask that question without knowing the answer; I keep saying that I’ve been here only a short while, and reading the stories here for years is not the same as experiencing the forum as a member. So you’ll have to tell me: how much do we pay attention to each other? Do people here even “friend” each other? I don’t really know if that’s part of the board’s culture. I mean it doesn’t have to be, but how do we notice each other?

I don’t mean the obvious things like treating each other with respect; that’s a given. I’m talking about more complex things, like recognizing if someone is going over the edge. Do we? Did we? I don’t know: maybe several people made phone calls to check up on Renko in the last week. That would be a nice thing to know because right now I’m imagining someone very important to this forum falling apart right in front of our eyes and we, oblivious to her pain or failing to see her as more than a cartoon icon and a tech goddess with a quick wit and quick temper, sit here unable to do anything about it. I’ve seen it in support forums: suddenly someone is in serious trouble, posting something that smacks of finality, and you don’t know how to handle it: how do you deal with such things with someone you only know online? As a teacher, I knew what to do and handled such things quickly many times. This is territory I don’t understand, yet some inner voice is telling me that by sharing this space with all of you I should be aware, I should be conscious of such things should they pop up, even if they pop up between the lines. Hell, I’m an intuitive person; I should see these things. I should not need a map.

But it’s after 3 now and I lie here helpless. The post indicated that Renko will be fine, but what if she had not been? I don’t know her; we’ve exchanged PMs maybe three times. But I know she does a hell of a lot around here, and I know she’s a human being, and I know she certainly deserves more than to let this forum be the thing that drives her out of this world, especially if members of the forum don’t even realize it’s happening.

I’m rambling, I know. And maybe I’m wrong: maybe it’s not even possible to tell from someone’s posts what their emotional state is if they don’t discuss that issue. I just know what I told her wife: I sensed that something was amiss but didn’t know Renko well enough to know if I was imagining it or not, so I didn’t PM her about it. Now I’m wondering what would have happened if I had. Maybe that’s what is keeping me awake. Maybe that’s why I feel so helpless. Maybe ultimately we’re all helpless to really be there for someone we only know online. But I’m not sure I can live with that: I’m way too other-oriented for that. But what can​ we do? I don’t know what the answer is…but I’m asking the question.

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Re: Helpless

We all sensed something amiss, I even offered my phone number if she wanted to talk. Hell some of us were feeling quite guilty about posting things we shouldn’t have in fits of anger after nephews tried to murder us with strategically placed legos again. Feeling guilty about suicide, situations is normal. I’ve had a family member or two suicide and about a half dozen who’ve attempted it, and l know one thing this helpless feeling is normal. I don’t know what to do about it or anything, when you figure it out please tell me

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Re: Helpless

I hope she get’s well

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Re: Helpless

I think the kind of community and the way you relate to each other within that community makes a big difference. In a place like this, I think it’s more difficult to get a feel for other people because we’re all guarded to one extent or another (few real names, not a lot of talk about where we live or what our other interests are). We tend to be open about the ABDL aspects because it’s the thing that mostly brings us here, but because most of us wouldn’t want this part of our lives to intermingle too freely with the rest of ourselves, we tend to keep some distance. (Or maybe it’s just me.)

When it comes to serious mental illness, depression, and suicide, it’s never easy to know how to handle it, even with someone you know well and in person. Distance, pseudoanonymity and text-only communication all contribute to the problem. I don’t know if there’s anything in particular we could have or should have done, but there’s only so much we can take responsibility for in terms of being helpful or supportive. Maybe that doesn’t sound helpful, but I think in many ways we’re limited by what the other people want to share. If Renko had been more open about the issues she was having, or reached out to someone here, that would be one thing. Trying to glean clues and hints about her state in hindsight is something else entirely.

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Re: Helpless

Trust, I think, is what it boils down to.

With trust, we open up more to each other.
Without it, the best intentions of others, only looking like snooping, prying, and scrutinizing, to the distressed.

When I find the secret formula for accurately conveying… well anything, I’ll let y’all know.

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Re: Helpless

[QUOTE=Vearynope;68438]Trust, I think, is what it boils down to.

With trust, we open up more to each other.
Without it, the best intentions of others, only looking like snooping, prying, and scrutinizing, to the distressed.

When I find the secret formula for accurately conveying… well anything, I’ll let y’all know.[/QUOTE]

It’s important to remember also that even with face to face communication. With suicide you may not recognize the signs except in hindsight. I’ve been through this whole process many times, and even if you live with someone its not always noticeable, even the person who attempts suicide might not know that’s what is about to happen, until it is happening

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Re: Helpless

I know that some forums have hidden boards where staff members post if they notice something off about another member and coordinate on how to deal with it. I don’t know if this one does but I think it’s a feature every large forum should have available.

We’ve had a friending feature for a while but I don’t know how well used it is; there hasn’t been much use for it before the VB migration. The old members may be slow to adapt to it until they find a good use for it.

I’d like to think that the regular posters have formed a bit of a community. I’m not very good at noticing changes in demenor but I think more than a few people here would reach out to someone if they noticed anything off.

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Re: Helpless

Indeed, we have a staff only board that could be used for that purpose. And any of us can be reached very easily through PM.

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