He Loved You Most- Prolouge

This story is a huge risk for me, as it is much more complex and heartwrenching that my first. This introduction has no ABDL content, but diapers are in the near future. It may have some basketball lingo that some won’t understand, but it really isn’t completely necessary to know what it all means. I warn you, for a prolouge, the end is incredibly tough to read. Also, the city of Charlotte is used for no reason, I kind of picked it at random. I have no associations with the city, the university, or the Bobcats. I’m going to need to write chapters more carefully for this, and I still don’t have much time, so I guarantee you they will be very spread apart.

He Loved You Most
by soxfan
Prolouge

Nathan Hendricks was the best thing to ever happen to basketball in the city of Charlotte. Many argued that he was the greatest thing to ever happen to the city, period. According to sports fans in the area, he revitalized culture in the area, by finally giving them a winning team to follow. He was to many, especially his family, a hero.

Nathan was born in raised in the suburbs of Charlotte, where his father was a high school basketball coach an physical education teacher and his mother was a former Olympian, and current secretary at an office. He was taught at an early age how to play the game, and, although all three of his older brothers were dominant throughout their youth careers, it was obvious that Nathan was the best. By his senior year of high school, he was the number one recruit in the country, and had scholarship offers from top-level universities like Duke, North Carolina, Notre Dame and Kansas. But, as the family man he always was, Nathan always wanted his parents and brothers to be at as many games as possible. With his tight-knit community behind him the whole way, he decided not to make his fans drive 2 hours to Durham or Chapel Hill, but rather stay in his backyard, where he attended UNC-Charlotte.

Charlotte had a strong basketball program to begin with, but gaining Nathan pushed them over the top. By his sophomore year, Nathan had led the team to a #1 national ranking, where he was named national player of the year. Although he was projected as the top pick in the NBA Draft that year, Nathan stayed, playing all four years at Charlotte, breaking most of the schools records, and giving them their first two national championships.

The year he went to the NBA, it was the struggling Charlotte Bobcats that had the number one pick, and of course Nathan was given the task to turn around the program of his hometown. He did just that. In his NBA career he won six championships with the previously lowly Bobcats, and seven MVP awards. More importantly to him, he was able to stay in Charlotte, the city he had lived in his whole life, and settle down with his wife Mary, whom he had met at Charlotte. In the day that he called his most proud moment of his life, he had his beautiful daughter Annie. Nathan retired after 20 NBA seasons, regarded by many as the best to ever play the game.

He was finally able to live the family life he enjoyed so much. Annie was now 8 years old and had grown into a beautiful young tomboy, always wearing her lovely blond hair in a pony-tail, and always holding some sort of ball in her hands. Though not big (like her father, who only stood 6’1), Annie had a passion for every sport she played, and Nathan was excited to see where that would take her. That same year, he reluctantly accepted a job as the head coach at his alma-mater, NC-Charlotte, which had always been his dream job, though he wasn’t sure he wanted to spend so much time away from home.

Nathan Hendricks was driving home from his first career coaching victory at Charlotte that winter, when it happened. The police said the guy who hit him was four times over the legal limit in alcohol, and was driving 90 MPH in a 30 MPH zone. The guy who had impacted so many lives in his short life was gone, and was never coming back.

When the police gave Mary the news she didn’t know what to say, especially to her daughter. But she had to tell her sometime, and that next morning when Annie trotted down from her room in their multi-million dollar mansion, she broke the news.

All she said at first was, “Honey, he loved a lot of people and a lot of people loved him. But always remember sweety, you loved him most and he loved you most.”

Annie looked confused, Mary knew she was going to have to clarify.

“Honey, daddy’s in heaven now…” was all that came out, as Annie stood still, frozen. Neither of the two beautiful girls standing in the room knew exactly what was in store for them over this long stretch of their lives.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

At first, I thought this was going to be about Nathan. Guess I was wrong. Good start, can’t wait for more.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Good start! This looks very promising…

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

All she said at first was, “Honey, he loved a lot of people and a lot of people loved him. But always remember sweety, you loved him most and he loved you most.”

Annie looked confused, Mary knew she was going to have to intervene.

“Honey, daddy’s in heaven now…” was all that came out, as Annie stood still, frozen. Neither of the two beautiful girls standing in the room knew exactly what was in store for them over this long stretch of their lives.

Stylistically, I would prefer ‘At first, all she said was’ at the beginning, but actually, the main reason I highlighted this bit was two other problems. First, ‘intervene’ is the wrong word. How exactly is she intervening? She’s started telling her daughter something and then needs to provide a clearer explanation, she’s not getting involved in something which previously didn’t involve her. The second is ‘this long stretch of their lives’ is just tacky as hell.

As for heartrending, well, it’s hard to really sympathise for characters who you haven’t got to know in the slightest.

Nevertheless, it’s good to see you trying something new and hopefully it will work out.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Though not big (like her father, who only stood 6’1), Annie had a passion for every sport she played, and Nathan was excited to see where that would take her.

This seemed kind of odd when I read it- I mean, 6’1 is above average for a man in the United States*. I realise that among basketball players it’s not really all that big, but not all sports require you to be massively tall, and in the context of Annie being good at sports it didn’t quite make sense for me. I guess if you’d said “though not exceptionally big” I wouldn’t have noticed.

Anyway, I would like to read more- I admit to not reading the basketball stuff in much depth because it holds little interest for me, and I didn’t feel for the characters enough to care very deeply about what happened to Nathan, I’m afraid. But presumably there won’t be much more basketball content, and I would re-read the prologue after finding out some more about Annie and Mary, because with some greater context I think it might be more meaningful.

*See here

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Yeah, I kind of rushed that part. The average player in the NBA is about 6’7", so 6’1" is small for an NBA superstar. I should have explained that in more detail, but I wanted to get this intro out quick.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Oh! one more thing: You misspelled ‘Prologue’ in the story title…:slight_smile:

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

keep it going

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Also, you mispelled ‘prologue’.

Edit: Casper beat me to it.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

Seems promising. It seems this story already has more depth and realism than your “Curiosity of Girls”. However I think ‘beautiful’ as a descriptor is kind of odd and doesn’t really belong. I agree with Nemo that you haven’t introduced us to the characters enough yet to make us feel sorry for them.

He Loved You Most- Prolouge

I like what I’ve read here, and am interested to see where this goes.

I will say that I think you missed a great opportunity to ‘introduce’ Annie and Mary by showing a bit more of what went on as they each found out that someone they loved dearly was no longer a part of their lives.

It’s a bit unrealistic to expect Annie to be able to tell her daughter that her father has passed away without tears don’t you think?

After all, she’s had the whole night to think about what happened and how it will affect her little girl.

By expanding this to include both Annie’s and Mary’s reactions to both, then we could identify with these characters and begin to care about what happens to them.

Again, I like this. I would personally have made it twice as long, the second half covering how Annie and Mary deal with learning what happened.

BabyButt