Happy Family

Hello to all.

I’d like to re-post my story from another forum. It is a mysterious story about a strange adoption agency. Hopefully you’ll like it.

Re: Happy Family

Part 1

Charity Dixon is looking at her tablet and browsing the news without any big interest. It is only a habit to spend some time while she is sitting in the bus on her way to school. She isn’t really interested in politics or economics and sometimes reads sensational stories only.

Suddenly an ad popped up and Charity doesn’t delete it immediately. Usually she is annoyed by the ads, but this one caught her eye. A company named Happy Family is looking for volunteers. According to the ad their job would be babysitting and the company would pay them an above average wage.

Charity reads the ad over and over; it is a wonderful opportunity for two reasons. Charity needs some supply just like any other young girl and she would be able to save them for a nice vacation next year. However the second reason is even more important. Several days ago Charity read a story about the Happy Family and the story was quite mysterious. Happy Family is an adoption agency where the barren couples could look for a child. However nobody was able to find out where the children came from. Of course, Happy Family provided birth certificates, but a journalist investigated some of the adoptions and wasn’t able to find the biological mothers. However the story is quite long and she doesn’t finish reading it until the bus stops in front of the school.

Charity has been a very curious girl for long and this mystery is attracting her attention very much. Maybe she would be able to find something interesting and the wage would be a nice bonus. She decides to apply for the job on the same day as long as her school is over. She also decides to read the story once more.

The school lessons seem endless for Charity and she can’t wait until the end. In the afternoon she heads directly towards the Happy Family. While sitting in the bus she tries to find the story and finish reading it, but there were too many new posts on the site and Charity doesn’t find it again.

The company seats in a small villa far from the city center. Charity gets off the bus and walks for about five minutes until she spots the villa. It is a quite large two-storey house in Victorian style and surrounded by a well-maintained lawn. It is standing aside from the other houses and doesn’t match their modern architecture. A short paved path leads to the entrance door.Charity is welcomed by an older lady:

“Miss Charity, we are glad you want to help us in our charity mission. Do you know how many people desire for children and aren’t able to get their own ones. We keep helping these people as well as the desperate girls who got pregnant by a … mistake.”

The lady leads Charity through a large entrance hall and upstairs to the second floor. Charity has to admire the interior. It is a harmonic mix of the original and modern equipment. The entrance hall is large and there are several doors there. In the second floor they get to a smaller corridor. It is not as luxurious as the entrance hall and the lady shows Charity the nurseries, the kitchen, the playroom and the bathroom. Charity is surprised by the expensive equipment, but she doesn’t tell anything. The lady turns to her:

“Miss Charity, you will work in one of these nurseries and you can choose the time according to your school duties. “

Charity nods and the lady escorts her to the downstairs office. It is a small room with a table, two chairs and two small cabinets. Half an hour later she is heading home with her new job contract. She also has planned the first shifts in the company and she is looking forward to the money, but she also likes small children. In her past Charity babysat often; however the wage wasn’t that high.

At home her mother is surprised by the job. She is getting a bad feeling because of the wage. However it is difficult to find an objection against a plain babysitting. After a short discussion Charity’s mother nods and Charity can start her first shift soon.

Re: Happy Family

I feel like it goes without saying that this is an ominous start… I would offer genuine critique, but considering I’m kind of on borrowed time as it is and I’m supposed to be using it to write my own stuff… I think I’ll be as brief as possible. I’ll just cover the one thing I noticed while not reading it critically.

You switched tenses partway through. The story starts in past tense and ends in present tense. There’s no real warning and it kind of screws with the literary flow a bit, to say the least.

That’s about it from me. Try to keep the tense consistent throughout each scene from here on out and you’ll do fine.

Re: Happy Family

Thanks for the comment. I’ll correct the following parts. Originally I started writing in the present tense, but I got a feeling I should turn it into past tense. I’d welcome an advice how to use the tenses correctly. English isn’t my native language and maybe I was focused on other issues.

Re: Happy Family

I’m going to have to second XenonVoid’s point here. Mixing up the tenses like you do is generally a big no-no. It makes a text harder to follow. You can still use one tense in the dialogue and a different one in the narrative, but not switching between past and present like you do is a good first step.

Re: Happy Family

Part 2

Charity is a little nervous when she enters the Happy Family two days later. Her first shift starts after school and lasts until late evening. The lady gives her an encouraging smile and leads her to the nursery. They encounter another young girl there:

“Charity, let me introduce Susan,” Susan also smiles at Charity, they greet each other and Susan leaves. The lady turns to Charity again:

“Susan works as a waitress and she can work in the mornings. Now let me show you our sweet little John. He is 10 months old.” The small boy is asleep in the crib with a pacifier in his mouth. Charity walks over to the crib and keeps watching him for a minute; he looks satisfied.

The lady interrupts her: “Before I go back to my duties, I’d like to explain you something about diapers. We use cloth diapers to be environment-friendly. They are good, but you have to check them more often. The used diapers are to be thrown into a pail in the bathroom and poopy ones should be rinsed first.” She smiles again and leaves.

While Johnny is asleep, Charity checks the surroundings. The nursery is a cozy room with two cribs, a table with two chairs and two cabinets. Charity looks into the cabinets and they are full of baby and toddler clothing. Several toys are sitting on the cabinet top. The walls are colored in bright colors and there are several pictures hanging on them.

Charity leaves the nursery and walks over to the bathroom. She finds a changing table, a cabinet with clean diapers and rubber pants, several potties of different sizes and the mentioned pail next to the bathtub.

The kitchen is located next to the bathroom and it is well equipped. A large table is located in the middle of the room and there are several high chairs and common chairs around it. The fridge is stocked by baby food and by adult food for the babysitters.

In the corridor Charity meets another girl. Her name is Joan and she is babysitting in the second nursery. Joan shows Charity two babies; they are twin girls about two years old and they are asleep as well, hugging each other.

Charity returns to her nursery and at the same moment Johnny wakes up. At the first moment he startles and cries when he sees an unknown face. Charity lifts him from the crib and cuddles. Two minutes later the crying stops and Johnny put his small arms around her neck. It is a little surprising; very few babies are that courageous and not afraid of new people.

The garment on Johnny’s behind seems to be heavy and Charity carries him to the bathroom immediately. The changing table is equipped with safety straps and the little boy can’t fall down. She pulls down the rubber pants and removes the soaked diaper. After a thorough cleaning she puts a clean diaper onto him and throws the wet one into the pail:

“Johnny, we are clean and can have a fun together. Do you want something to drink?” Charity is carrying him into the kitchen. She prepares a baby bottle with warm tea and puts the nipple into his mouth. To her surprise the boy smiles at her, grabs the bottle and drinks. When he finishes, he gives the bottle back and nods. It is a quite unusual behavior.

Charity carries Johnny into the playroom and puts him down onto the floor. The playroom is a quite large and well equipped for babies and toddlers. There is a playpen in the middle of it, several cabinets and shelves with books at the walls. Baby toys are scattered on the floor. However, Johnny doesn’t seem to be interested in them. He crawls towards a shelf with children books and watches them closely. Charity takes a book from the shelf and gives it to him. She is quite curious what he does. Johnny sits down, puts the book in front of him and opens it just like an adult would do. Charity stares at him, wide-eyed.

Joan enters the room along with the twins. Both girls hurry up to the toys, sit down and find some dolls; they start playing almost immediately without paying any attention to Johnny. Their behinds are well padded and the diapers keep their legs a little apart.

Joan sits down next to Charity and looks at Johnny closely. Charity turns to her: “Joan, do you understand what’s going on here?” Joan shakes her head: “Charity, I don’t understand it completely, but I can tell you some experience with the twins. I’ve been babysitting them for about two weeks and I have to tell you some events are quite odd.”

Charity turns to Joan and listens to her carefully. The children seem to be busy at their activities.

Re: Happy Family

Wow, this is quite good, please do keep it up!

Re: Happy Family

Part 3

Joan looks at the girls and at Charity: “Charity, the girls change their behavior sometimes. If you watch them just now, they are like any other toddlers. However I experienced several days when they behaved like teenagers. We could talk together and they were able to dress themselves, use forks, knives and even help me in the kitchen. However, the next day they switched back to toddlers.”

Charity nods: “Joan, Johnny also behaves like he was older. Anyway he seems to be sweet,” she smiles at Johnny. He turns his head and smiles at Charity. Joan nods: “Ann and Mary are sweet as well; however they are challenging. I have a lot of work checking their diapers and changing them; both drink much water and don’t stay dry for long. The cloth diapers are quite a drawback here.”

Charity looks at Ann and Mary and watches them; both girls are holding big baby bottles and drinking indeed. She nods and smiles: “I understand you, Joan.”

Johnny turns away from the book and crawls to Charity. He stops in front of her and points at his crotch: “E –ee”. Charity lifts him: “Sweetheart, have you peed into your diapee?” He shakes his head and Charity understands: “You will pee then,” he nods. Charity carries him into the bathroom and removes the diaper. She sits Johnny onto a small potty and he nods. Minute later he is done and Charity strokes his head: “You are a good boy, Johnny. Anyway I put the diaper back, okay?” Johnny nods again, Charity carries him back and he sits down to the book again.

Joan stands up and walks over to the girls. The packages between their legs are dropping down: “Ann, Mary, let’s go with me,” she tries to pull them away, but the twins protest loudly and cry: “We wanna play, Joan.” Charity turns to Joan: “I help you, Joan. Bring the supplies and we can change them here.” She sits down to the girls: “Lie down and you will be clean in a jiffy,” she strokes their heads. Ann and Mary are surprised by her action and stop crying. Ann lies down and lets Charity pull down her tights and rubber pants. Meanwhile Joan comes back and Mary lies down as well. Charity and Joan commence the changing process and the twins are clean in a few minutes. Anyway they still are holding the bottles. Johnny is sitting and watching them as if he was aware of their problems.

The afternoon is passing slowly; Johnny keeps looking into the book and even turning the pages. Joan takes the twins and goes to the park. An hour later they come back to the dinner. Charity can assist Joan again to wash the girls’ hands and they also need clean diapers.

Charity and Joan escort all children into the kitchen and sit them into high chairs at the table. Johnny is able to feed himself and he even doesn’t mess up his bib. Charity and Joan can focus on the twins. They manage to eat the dinner, but a lot of food has landed on their bibs.

After dinner Charity brings Johnny back into the playroom and takes another book from the shelf; Johnny sits down and opens it while the twins start chasing each other around the room. They don’t look tired at all and Charity wonders if they would be able to fall asleep.

About half an hour later Mary stops and bends her legs; a concentrated look on her face reveals what’s going on. Ann runs away, but she stops shortly after and several grunts escape her mouth. Both girls don’t run anymore and they walk carefully towards Joan. A strong smell is spreading across the room.

Johnny also leaves his book and crawls towards Charity. This time he seems to be too slow and the guilty look on his face tells Charity what happened:

“Johnny, you did a poo in your diaper, didn’t you?” He nods and a tear appears in his eye. Charity strokes his head and smiles at him: “No problem, let’s fix it.” She carries him into the bathroom and changes his dirty diaper quickly: “Johnny, would you like to go sleep now?” The little boy nods and yawns. Charity carries him to the nursery, puts him into the crib and returns to Joan. She helps her to clean the twins and tries to calm them down before sleeping. She sits down between them and reads them a fairy-tale. Finally both little girls lean to her and their eyes close. Joan and Charity put them into their cribs. To her surprise Charity spots straps on the crib sides. She whispers to Joan: “Do you have any idea about the straps?” Joan shakes her head.

About an hour later Joan and Charity are relieved by a young woman, who starts the night shift. She has a scowl look on her face and the girls are glad when they leave the building.

Re: Happy Family

Part 4

Joan and Charity are walking towards the bus stop and Joan turns to Charity:

“Charity, I don’t have any idea about the straps. Of course, I never used it and never found the girls strapped to the cribs. On the other hand I heard some complaints from the woman we met today. She was very unpleasant and I don’t know why she accepted this job. Somebody like her can’t be a good babysitter in my opinion.”

“Joan, I read some story about Happy Family several days ago, but I didn’t finish reading it. Since then I haven’t found it again. Did you read it by chance?”

“Sorry, Charity; I didn’t read it. However I’m quite curious and would look for it as soon as possible. When do you have the next shift?”

“It is Wednesday today … I come on Friday in the afternoon and on Saturday the whole day.”

“What a pity, I come tomorrow and on next Monday. Anyway you can give me your number and I call you when I find something.” Charity nods and gives Joan her number.

They get to the bus stop and Charity’s bus arrives first. They say their goodbyes and Charity gets in. In the bus she hopes to find the story, but she fails again. All of sudden Charity realizes that the story was removed probably.

At home Charity tells her mother about the babysitting and about the mysteries. Her mother listens carefully: “Charity, I’d almost say it’s your fantasy. To be honest, I’d quit immediately if I was you. Try to think about this strange agency, but be careful, please. I’d like to give you a good advice; do your job and don’t be too curious.”

On Thursday Charity is waiting for Joan’s call, but Joan doesn’t call her. Charity isn’t worried about it; maybe the story was removed indeed and Joan didn’t find it either. However she can’t get rid of a bad feeling when she imagines the scowl woman taking care of toddlers.

On Friday after school she hurries up to the Happy Family. The lady leads her into the nursery and introduces a new toddler; her name is Sally and she is almost 3 years old. All of sudden Charity is surprised by the age of the toddlers. Where were the children before they were given to Happy Family? If it was an opportunity for young girls and their unexpected pregnancies, the babies would be close to newborns mostly. Anyway Charity remembers her mother and doesn’t ask the lady about it.

The lady leaves the nursery and Charity watches the sleeping toddlers for several minutes. After that she walks to the other nursery. The second babysitter greets her, but she doesn’t seem to be interested in a talk. Charity returns to her nursery when Sally wakes up. She smiles at Charity and asks her: “Hi, what’s your name? I’m Sally.”

Charity answers her and Sally sits up in the crib: “Charity, could you change my diaper, please? I’m all wet.” Charity nods, brings the supplies and asks Sally to lie down. The small girl obeys and Charity pulls down her pants and rubber pants. The diaper is very large, thick and wet:

“Sally, do you really need that thick diaper? You are a big girl though and you could try to be without diapers.”

“Charity, I’m afraid of it; Miss Malcolm was angry at me when she found wet spots on my pants in the morning. I had a thin diaper only.”

Charity strokes Sally’s head: “Don’t worry about me, sweetheart. If you want, I put another large diaper on you, but try to come to me if you have to pee, okay?” Sally smiles and nods.

Meanwhile Johnny wakes up, but Charity isn’t able to find out the former behavior. He is nice and sweet, but he is still a ten months old baby. Charity gives Johnny tea in a baby bottle and gives Sally a sippy cup. When they finish, she lifts Johnny onto her arms, climbs down the stairs, puts him into a stroller and walks out of the villa to the park.

They open the back door and Charity is surprised again. She couldn’t see the park from the street, but it is a very nice place. There is a playground with a sandbox, slide and swings in front of her. The playground is surrounded by lawn and there are several paved paths with benches all around. The whole park is fenced so the children can’t run away. However the fence matches the overall style of the villa. A few trees provide a pleasant shadow for those who want to sit on the benches.

Sally hurries up to the slide and Johnny crawls on the grass. The twins appear shortly and they head towards the sandbox. Charity notices thick bulges on their behinds. Their babysitter sits down on the next bench and gets a book.

Re: Happy Family

Part 5

Charity is surprised by the babysitter. The girl isn’t watching the twins at all. They start playing in the sandbox, but several minutes later one of the twins looks around carefully. She stands up and heads towards Charity:

“I’m Ann. How are you, Charity? You were very nice to me on Wednesday.”Charity is taken aback, but she reacts immediately: “Nice to hear it, Ann. Join me and we can talk a little. You told I had been good to you. Aren’t the other ones nice?”

Ann sighs: “You and Joan are very nice, but the other babysitters are not. Look at Cathy; she is reading her book and doesn’t take care of us at all. She put thick diapers on our behinds, gave us two big bottles and now she needn’t do anything until dinner. It is quite uncomfortable and I can’t walk properly. Most of the babysitters do it. You can’t imagine the embarrassing when I have to pee into the diaper and don’t have another option. ” She points at her crotch and Charity notices the wet diaper.

Charity lifts Johnny from the ground and she is trying to teach him walking. Ann is walking with her while Sally is riding on the slide. Several minutes later Sally joins Mary and both girls start playing together in the sandbox.

Charity realizes that Joan was right. At this moment she has an opportunity to find out more details: “Ann, can you remember how you got here? Do you have any family or friends?”

Ann stares at Charity: “Sorry, I can’t remember anything. All I remember are the last two weeks. It is strange, but everything before it is like in a fog. All my memories are linked to this house.”

“Ann, do you know any idea why you are talking with me and Mary seems to be in a toddler state? Two days ago you both were toddlers.”

Ann shrugs: “I don’t know. I remember two or three times before when I felt like an older girl like just now. The remaining time I probably was a toddler. I also think Mary was in the adult state several times, but we never could talk together.”

“How long do you stay in the adult state, Ann?”
“I wake up like this and it lasts until I fall asleep again.”

Charity nods; she has got a trace finally. Something strange happened to Ann and probably to all other children and they got to Happy Family. It is important to find the past of them. They couldn’t appear out of nowhere: “Thank you, Ann; hopefully we would be able to find out more. Tomorrow I come again and we can stay together the entire day.”

“Charity, I’m afraid I won’t be able to talk with you tomorrow. Maybe Mary will.”

For now they have to focus on Johnny; he drops to the ground and tries to crawl away; Ann looks at Charity: “Let me help you,” she runs towards Johnny and makes him crawl back to Charity. Charity lifts Johnny and cuddles him: “Where did you want to go?” Johnny smiles at Charity and Ann and laughs. Charity notices the soaked diaper: “Ann, I have to go inside. Johnny has to be changed. Go get Sally, please.”

At the same moment Sally is approaching Charity and Mary is walking next to her. The girls stop in front of Charity and Sally announces: “Charity, Mary is soaked.”

Charity grins at her: “Sally, thank you for your care; however Mary should be changed by Cathy. By the way, you didn’t come to me since we came to the playground. Are you sure Mary is the only one who is soaked?” Sally blushes and looks down. Charity reaches to her crotch: “Sally, what did you do? You have pooped yourself.” “Sorry, but I just wanted to come to you when it happened.”

Charity shrugs and turns to Ann: “Ann, you have to wait now; there is a messy behind to be cleaned.” Ann nods, takes Mary at hand and heads back to the sandbox. She looks sad.

Re: Happy Family

Part 6

Before the dinner Cathy stands up and heads towards the kitchen: “Ann, Mary, come with me!” Charity gets Johnny and Sally and follows Cathy. Both twins are walking slowly and the packages between their legs are quite heavy and dropping down. Charity feels sorry for Ann, but she doesn’t want to argue with Cathy. Maybe the twins get adopted soon and the adoptive parents would be a nice and loving family.

Sally is quite able to feed herself and Charity can focus on Johnny. He is still smiling at her and Charity feels like a real mother for a short moment.

Later in the evening the babysitters are relieved by the scowl woman again. In the entrance hall the old lady stops them: “Charity, I’d like to offer an extra work for you if you want. Unfortunately a babysitter quitted yesterday and I don’t have anybody for tomorrow except you. Take care of the twins as well and I pay you double. Johnny will be adopted in the morning and you needn’t take care of him anymore.”

Charity pretends to hesitate, but her heart jumps. She will get a wonderful opportunity to learn more about the twins and their fate. If they have an afternoon nap, there are four opportunities that one of them will be in the adult mode:

“Okay, madam; I take the tomorrow’s shift even if it is a challenge.”

On her way home Charity still tries to find the mysterious story; however she finds something else. Several young students disappeared in the last weeks and there is still no trace of them. She is reading through the notices without a big interest when she stops at a message about twin sisters. She is getting a strange feeling. Is it a coincidence only or are the missing students related to the children in Happy Family somehow?

At home Charity doesn’t tell her mother anything about her findings; she is afraid her mother wouldn’t allow her to work in Happy Family anymore. Instead, Charity decides to investigate the case by herself. She could call the parents of the missing twins and ask them about details. Fortunately the names are listed in the messages and Charity writes down all of them. In the next days she will call the people and try to find something usable. Maybe the old photos of their children could show a similarity to the children in Happy Family.

On Saturday Charity hurries up to the Happy Family. In the entrance hall she encounters a couple; the woman is holding Johnny and he smiles at Charity as soon as he spots her. She can read in his eyes he is in the adult mode. The old lady brings some documents and they thank her. The couple seems to be nice and Charity hopes that Johnny gets into a good and loving family. Anyway she would like to tell them about Johnny’s adult mode, but she doesn’t have any idea how to explain it. There is only one option; Charity pulls the woman aside and explains her: “Madam; I babysat the little Johnny and I have to tell you he is very smart and can even surprise you.” Johnny turns away from his new adoptive mother and grins at Charity.

The scowl woman is nowhere to be seen and Charity wonders where she is. She asks the old lady, but she answers that the night shift is over and the children are still asleep. She even invites Charity to a cup of tea. Charity is surprised by it, but it wouldn’t be polite to refuse and they have a cup of tea in the office. Half an hour later the old lady stands up: “Charity, I’m leaving for the weekend; the house is all yours now. Take care of the children until the evening.”

Charity walks over to the nurseries. She opens the door of ‘her’ nursery and almost faints; she wasn’t able to imagine the scene in front of her eyes.

Re: Happy Family

Part 7

Sally is strapped down to the crib and her hands are covered in mittens; she isn’t able to undo the straps. Her torso is tied to the crib by a wide strap and her legs are tied apart. A pacifier is fixed in her mouth and a big package of diapers is visible on her crotch. Her eyes are full of tears.

Charity runs to the crib and removes the pacifier: “Sally, everything is okay; I untie you just now.” She looks at the straps, but they seem to be locked. Keys are needed to open them.

Sally looks at Charity: “Charity, the keys are probably in the kitchen,” Charity realizes that Sally is in the adult mode:”Okay, Sally, I’m back in seconds.”Sally stops her: “Charity, wait with the keys, please. My diaper is soaked and I have to pee very badly. I don’t want to leak; bring a clean diaper and change me quickly.” Charity is surprised by the request, but she realizes that Sally wouldn’t be able to get to bathroom in time. She gets another large diaper and changes Sally quickly even without cleaning her. Sally sighs in relief: “Get the keys now and I can help you then. I think the twins are strapped down as well.”

Charity finds the keys in a kitchen drawer indeed and hurries up to Sally. The straps can be unlocked and Sally stands up from the crib: “Let’s take care of the twins now. I can change out of the pajama then.”

The twins are strapped down in the cribs in the same way. Charity is angry at the scowl woman, but she also realizes that the old lady saw Sally and didn’t help her. With help of Sally she frees the twins quickly; they are crying and cuddle to Charity immediately. She holds them tightly: “My little girls, Charity is with you and you are safe now.” She turns to Sally: “Bring the changing supplies please.”

To Charity’s surprise Sally is able to change Ann while Charity is changing Mary. Charity is curious if one of the twins is in adult mode, but they are upset and keep crying. Meanwhile, Sally heads towards the bathroom and in ten minutes she is back dressed in a nice dress and tights; anyway without a diaper: “Charity, I put the pajama and wet diaper into laundry. Let’s make the breakfast now.”

Charity dresses the twins into pink tops and denim pants; they look very cute, but there is no trace of adult mode at all. Charity hopes that some of them will get into it after the afternoon nap.

After the breakfast all move to the park; it is a wonderful sunny day. Ann and Mary head to the sandbox and sit down; they don’t have mood to run around after the night experience. Sally sits down to Charity and Charity starts talking:

“Sally, you can talk with me and behave like a teenager; you even aren’t wearing the diaper and you were able to dress yourself and prepare breakfast. Yesterday you were like a three year old toddler.”

Sally stares at her surprised: “Really? Wait, I remember something about the large diaper and angry babysitter.”

Charity’s heart jumps. Maybe Sally can tell her even more: “Sally, do you remember more? How did you get here?”

“I don’t remember exactly how I got here and everything before the last days is like in a fog. However … I was in basement and there was a strange machine there.”

“What are you saying? Is there a basement in this house?”

“I think yes. If you want, I can help you look for it,” she looks at the sandbox: “Charity, you have got a stinking task to perform now.” Ann is approaching them and she is walking carefully, her legs wide apart. Charity grins at Sally: “Do you know I had the same task with you yesterday?” Sally nods: “Okay, I watch Mary meanwhile.”

In the bathroom Charity straps Ann to the changing table; Ann almost starts crying again, but Charity strokes her head: “Sweetheart, you could fall down.” She pulls the pants down and removes the dirty garment. The cleaning process takes some time and as soon as she finishes, Sally appears in the door, leading Mary: “Another one.” Charity sighs and repeats the process.

Sally turns to Charity: “I can watch the girls and you should try to look for some clues in the villa.” Charity nods and Sally leaves, leading the twins to the park.

Re: Happy Family

Part 8

Charity starts her search in the second floor. She knows the nurseries, kitchen and playroom already. There are two more rooms there; they look like storerooms. Charity doesn’t find anything interesting there; the storerooms are full of bedding, diapers and clothing; there are even some spare cribs there. In the far corner there is a stairwell leading upwards to the loft. The loft is empty and dusty. She climbs the stairs down to the ground floor and explores the entrance hall. It is a large room and Charity can admire the equipment. The furniture matches the villa style; the prospective adoptive parents should feel well here. The office is locked, but she could have expected it. There are more doors on the walls, but all of them are locked as well. A stairwell is leading down to the basement, but Charity finds only a large washroom with several washers and dryers as well as a boiler room there. There are on other doors in the basement.

All of sudden Charity hears some muffled noises from behind the walls. She isn’t sure if it is a hallucination only, but she decides to continue her searching. Unfortunately her effort is vain; if there is something strange in the villa, it is well hidden. Maybe she can try to find something the next weekend. For now Charity stops her searching and returns to the park; she doesn’t want to leave Sally alone. Sally is playing with the twins and she seems to have her fun at it.

Meanwhile the lunch time is coming; Sally helps Charity change the soaked diapers. The twins seem to be exhausted and they probably fall asleep after the lunch. Charity and Sally manage to prepare the food quickly and they feed Ann and Mary. Both girls go to the cribs willingly and Charity changes them into their pajamas. Minutes later they are asleep.

Sally yawns as well: “Charity, I could have a small nap, I’m tired after the night.” Charity nods, but she realizes what Ann had told her: “Okay, Sally; however you probably return to your toddler mode then. Let me put a diaper on you.”

Sally startles: “Do you think? I wouldn’t like to return; however I can’t stay awake forever.” She sighs and lies down in the crib. Charity pulls down her tights and puts a large diaper with rubber pants onto her behind. She covers Sally and gives a kiss on her forehead.

While all children are asleep, Charity tries to find a hidden door again; anyway she fails. The door has to be somewhere behind the locked office door or it is disguised. She also doesn’t hear any more noises and returns to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.

As soon as she finishes the coffee, she hears a voice from the nursery. She hurries up and Mary is announcing: “Charity, could you remove my diaper, please? I have to go to the bathroom.” Charity lifts her from the crib, brings to the bathroom and removes the dry diaper. However Mary is too small to sit on the toilet bowl: “Mary, sit on the potty; you would fall down from the toilet.”

Mary nods and sits down. Charity leaves her alone “you can have some privacy.”

In five minutes Mary has finished and Charity helps her clean her behind. However they don’t have any panties: “Mary, would you mind if you put the diaper onto you; we don’t have panties. Unless … unless you want to wear the pants without panties. However it’s uncomfortable.”

Mary shrugs: “The diaper is comfortable and you pull it down if I have to pee.” Charity nods and puts the diaper back.

Ann and Sally wake up several minutes later and Ann’s rule has worked; Sally is a toddler again. Mary is able to assist Charity to change both girls and they are ready to play. Mary takes a big bottle and walks to the book shelf. Charity takes a book and passes it to her. Sally and Ann sit down and play with dolls.

The afternoon is passing slowly. Charity doesn’t try to ask Mary; she seems to be busy at the book. About an hour later Mary stands up and runs to Charity: “Charity, I have to pee, hurry up please.” They head into the bathroom and Charity wants to unzip Mary’s pants, but Mary is pressing her hand against her crotch: “Mary, I have to pull down the pants.” Charity pulls her hand away and grabs the zip when she feels the diaper getting warm. Mary sighs and looks down to the ground. Charity lifts her onto the changing table: “Sweetheart, it is OK; your body is small and weak. Let’s change you into a clean diaper now.” She changes Mary quickly and they return to the playroom.

The afternoon is uneventful and Charity is relieved in the evening. Fortunately the scowl woman doesn’t appear.

Re: Happy Family

Part 9

On Sunday Charity commences her investigation. Her first target is the parents of the missing twins. Fortunately they are willing to listen to her, but the story seems unbelievable. The father keeps shaking his head: “Charity, you seem to have a great fantasy.” Anyway the mother brings an old album with photos of the twins.

Charity opens the album and a cold chill runs down her spine. The girls in the pictures are Ann and Mary. She puts the album onto the table with shaking hands: “Missis Brown, the twins in Happy Family are your daughters. I don’t know how they were regressed, but I’m quite sure about their identity.” The father stares at her wide-eyed and tears appear in his eyes: “You … you found our little girls.” They promise her help and Charity can continue her mission.

Unfortunately the twins are the only children she was able to identify. All other parents either didn’t want to talk with her or she didn’t recognize the toddlers. Anyway it was a great success. Now Charity is sure about a criminal plot and about a mysterious way to regress the children to the toddler age.

The next Tuesday Charity starts her regular shift after school. The old lady tells her the latest news; the twins have been adopted by a rich family and she will be the only babysitter today, taking care of Sally and a boy named Charlie. He is about the same age as Sally.

Charity is hardly able to drink her coffee when Charlie wakes up. He startles when he spots her and Charity has to calm him down. Sally wakes up at his crying. Charity takes both toddlers into the bathroom and changes them quickly. Neither of them seems to be in the adult mode.

The weather isn’t very good; it is raining and they have to stay inside. Before going to the playroom Charlie announces he is hungry. Charity is a bit taken aback: “Charlie, didn’t you have your lunch.” “Yeah, miss, but I’m still hungry.” Charity shrugs and gives him a piece of bread with butter and jam. Charlie eats it instantly and asks for another one. Sally asks her for some juice only.

In the playroom Charlie looks for some cars and starts playing with them; he also tries to convince Sally to join him. She isn’t enthusiastic by his offer, but they are only two and she sits down to him. Charity is watching them and smiling a bit.

All of sudden Charlie stops playing and stands up; he bends his knees and holds still. A minute later he approaches Charity: “Miss Charity, could I have a clean diaper?” The smell reveals what happened. Charity nods: “Okay, poopy boy. Sally, what about you?” Sally looks up, a bit surprised. She also stands up and follows Charlie: “I’m wet only.”

The cleaning process is quite long; Charlie has to be put into the tub and showered. After changing both toddlers they return to the playroom and continue playing. Sally and Charlie seem to be getting on well.

When Charity is relieved in the evening, the old lady is waiting for her: “Charity, could we have a talk? I have got an offer for you.” She invites charity into the office and offers her a cup of tea:

“Charity, you are a good babysitter. There are cameras all around the house and I could watch your work closely. In my opinion you could try out something special.”

Charity is sipping the tea and suddenly realizes that the lady could watch her while she was searching the villa. She startles, but tries to stay calm and find out what the lady knows:

“Of course, madam, it is an honor for me if you give me some special offers. Could you tell more about …” Charity is getting a bad feeling; she is tired, her eyes close and her body relaxes in the chair.

Re: Happy Family

Part 10

The Regresser test report:

The Regresser prototype has been tested on 20 subjects so far. Teenagers of both sexes were regressed to the baby age. The test results are as follows:

- All tested subjects were regressed successfully and there was no fatality or serious bodily damage.

- The subjects were not regressed to the required age of newborns. Most subjects have been regressed to an age of 2 or 3 years and only two of them were regressed to an age less than 1 year.

- The mental regression wasn’t completed fully. Unexpected short periods of mental activity on a level of an adult were observed in almost all cases.

- According to detailed examination the test subjects aren’t able to grow either physically nor mentally.

A well-dressed man is sitting at the massive wooden table in the middle of a luxurious office and reading the report; his face is getting red with anger. He starts yelling at his companion and his voice echoes in the large room: “What the hell did you create, James? We wanted to have lovely small babies which can be sold to solvent families. Instead of it we are producing small beasts which remain toddlers for their entire life and they have got pieces of adult mind. It is a total failure!”

The second man dressed in a lab coat tries to protest: “Sir, I did my best and the tests on animals were successful. I don’t know what happened. Give me the last chance, please.”

The old lady is standing in the corner next to a big cabinet, watching both men and keeping silence. It wouldn’t be wise to tell the even a single word. After all, she is responsible for the care only and she never wanted to know more about the regression.

“Okay, James. However; it is really your last chance. Try to use some new settings and be successful this time. Otherwise I cancel the entire work and get rid of you. Hopefully you know what I mean.”

“I will be successful, sir. You get two lovely small babies this time.”

The well dressed man calms down a little: “You have three days, James. I come again on Friday and I want to see a total success.” He turns back and leaves the room. James stands up and walks slowly to the basement. He opens the second door on his left and enters the treatment room. It is a small room equipped with a hospital bed and a mysterious machine. There is a big computer and a strange cabinet next to the bed. Several wires with electrodes are connected to the cabinet. James sits down to the control computer and starts working. His fingers are moving quickly on the keyboard.

Charity opens her eyes and looks around. She is lying down on a hospital bed and her limbs are strapped to the bed. A big pacifier is filling her mouth and it is fixed behind her head. She is dressed into a hospital gown and her crotch is covered by a large and thick diaper.

The room is small and there are no windows on the walls. Charity looks to the right and she sees a young boy on the second bed; he is strapped down and dressed in the same way. There isn’t any more furniture in the room.

The boy turns to her and tries to speak, but the pacifier prevents him from it. Charity tries to speak as well, but her effort is vain. Charity also checks the straps, but they are locked and she isn’t able to open any of them. She struggles for awhile, but all straps are quite tight.

The door opens and the old lady enters the room: “Charity, this is the special offer. Up to now you were a babysitter and I offer you the baby role. You are thirsty probably.”

The pacifiers are equipped by a hole and the lady attaches a bottle to each of them: “Drink, my babies. Auntie Hannah will come later when you finish.”

Charity is thirsty indeed and she sucks on the nipple until the bottle is empty. The boy does the same and his bottle is empty even earlier than Charity’s one. Hannah comes back and removes the bottles: “I come back later to check on my babies. Good night.” She leaves the room and dims the light.

Re: Happy Family

Part 11

Charity is glad that the old lady has left. They are alone and Charity is getting tired. It is late in the evening probably.

The boy starts checking the straps, but he fails as well. He fidgets in the straps desperately and Charity knows the probable reason; he has to pee. To her terror, she is getting the same feeling. They eventually would have to use their diapers.

The growing pressure makes Charity fidget as well. She tries to close her legs or press her hand to her crotch. Unfortunately the straps are holding her tightly. She can clench the bladder muscles only, but the growing pressure seems to be stronger. She makes the last attempt to let out a few drops, but it is the final mistake. As soon as the floodgates open, she isn’t able to close them anymore and she floods the diaper between her legs.

Charity sighs and relaxes on the bed. A short look to the right reveals that the boy doesn’t fidget anymore and his face is deep red. She realizes that she is blushing as well. She is lying helpless and wearing a wet diaper next to a boy.

Half an hour later the fatigue takes over and Charity falls asleep. The boy is tired as well and his eyes close several minutes later. Hannah peeks into the room, checks on the babies and closes the door again.

In the middle of the night Charity wakes up and she has to pee again. Tears appear in her eyes, but she can’t do anything but pee into the diaper again. The garment gets heavy and drops down between her legs. Charity isn’t able to say if she leaked or not.

The next morning Hannah opens the door: “Good morning, babies. Auntie Hannah is here to take care of you.” She walks over to Charity: “Lady is first.” She pulls down the rubber pants, revealing a very wet diaper. Without hesitation Hannah removes it and exposes Charity’s crotch. The boy and Charity blush deeply when Hannah moves to the boy and removes his diaper as well. She brings wet rag and cleans both captives thoroughly. Despite of his condition the boy is getting aroused and his penis is hard and erect.

Hannah cleans the captives and puts clean diapers onto their crotches. She grabs the wet diapers and leaves the room: “I’m back with your breakfast soon.” In about ten minutes she comes back and carries a try with two baby bottles. She removes the pacifiers and feeds both captives. There is delicious semolina porridge in the bottles and Charity is hungry; she doesn’t protest and neither does the boy.

After breakfast the pacifiers are put back into their mouths and the old lady leaves. Charity struggles again with renewed effort, but the straps are unyielding. Half an hour later the door opens and a man in the lab coat enters the room:

“It’s time to your big change, babies,” he laughs and pulls the bed with Charity out of the room. She keeps looking around and realizes they are in a basement probably. Is it the basement of the villa? The man opens another door and Charity spots a strange machine. He stops next to the machine, puts several electrodes onto her forehead, lifts the blanket and put more electrodes onto her arms and legs; it is almost like an ECG:

“Charity, you become a lovely baby now; good bye,” He presses a button and Charity is getting tired suddenly. Her eyes close and her limbs relax totally. The man is watching her closely and he even looks like he was praying: “It is my last chance, help me please.”

Re: Happy Family

Part 12

Charity opens her eyes slowly and tries to understand what happened. She is lying on her back on a soft surface like a mattress. There are some wooden slats all around the mattress. It definitely is a crib. Anyway the crib seems to be huge; moments later Charity realizes that the crib isn’t huge, but her body is small. She also isn’t able to remember her name or past. Everything is like in a fog. There was a machine and …

She raises her head and tries to look around the room. It is a nursery; there are two cribs in the nursery and a small baby boy is lying in the second one; he seems to be asleep. The room is decorated beautifully and Charity can see numerous toys and nice pictures. Besides of the cribs there is a table with two chairs and several cabinets in the nursery. No babysitter can be seen at this moment.

Suddenly Charity realizes she is able to think clearly. It could be a big advantage for her. Her heart jumps and she tries to sit up in the crib. To her utter horror she finds out her muscles are too weak and she isn’t able to turn around, let alone sit up. She can move her legs and arms and grab a small rubber toy next to her, but she can’t do anything more. It is frustrating and her adult mode can’t help unless somebody else finds out about it.

Charity looks at her body and guesses she could be a five or six months old baby, about 25 inches tall. She is dressed in a beautiful yellow jumper with buttons on her back and crotch. Her legs are held apart by a large diaper package. Charity reaches down and feels the wetness. She has wet herself already before she woke up. The next unpleasant surprise is her fingers; her motor skills don’t allow her to unbutton a single button and she is hardly able to reach to the first button.

All of sudden she feels the pressure in her bladder and realizes that she isn’t able to use the toilet or potty. At the same moment the bladder muscles relax, she isn’t able to clench them and her pee flows into the already wet diaper between her legs; it is getting warm and heavier. Charity sighs in frustration and tears appear in her eyes; she has no control of her wetting just like a real baby.

The boy in the second crib seems to be even younger than her. Several minutes later he wakes up and cries; he is behaving like a real baby. The babysitter comes ten minutes later, carrying two baby bottles and walks over to the boy first. She checks his diaper and changes him quickly. After change she lifts him from the crib and feeds him.

Charity is watching the scene and thinking of her condition. Should she let the babysitter know she is able to think clearly? She isn’t sure if it is a wise decision and she even doesn’t know how to do it. It would be better to wait and watch.

Meanwhile the babysitter finishes feeding the boy and moves to Charity. She smiles at the small girl and gives a kiss on her forehead: “It’s everything OK, my little one.” The babysitter unbuttons the crotch of Charity’s jumper, changes the wet diaper and lifts Charity from the crib: “Let’s have your lunch,” She puts the nipple into Charity’s mouth and lets her drink the milk, holding her in the arms. Charity relaxes and drinks the milk; she was hungry and thirsty.

After lunch the babysitter puts Charity back into the crib: “Let’s relax a bit now. My shift is almost over and I’ll go home. Cathy comes and takes care of you in the afternoon.” She leaves the nursery, taking the bottles with her. The boy falls asleep almost immediately, but Charity isn’t tired at all. She has to endure until Cathy comes. Unfortunately she can’t do anything but watch the room or think of her options. There is a watch on the opposite wall and she keeps looking at it; however it is a bad idea and Charity is frustrated; time is passing very slowly.

Re: Happy Family

Part 13

A car stops in front of the villa and an older couple gets out of it. They ring the bell and the old lady answers the door: “Mrs. and Mr. Brown? Come in, please. It would be a pleasure for us to provide you a happy family; it is even the name of our humble company.”

Mr. Brown steps forward, followed by his wife: “Well, could you show us some of the lovely babies?”
The old lady leads them through a large entrance hall to a luxurious and large office. The walls are lined by wood and all furniture is very expensive. The pictures of smiling babies are hanging on the walls. Five minutes later a well dressed man enters the room: “I’m sorry I don’t introduce myself, but this business is a bit … sensitive. Can I call you Mrs. And Mr. Brown? I don’t think it’s your true name.”

Mr. Brown almost makes a mistake, but he reacts immediately: “You’re right; Brown is a quite common surname and it was our first idea.”

They sit down to a round table and he pulls out a couple of photos: “Here you are; at this moment you could have a girl or a boy; both turn 3 in a couple of months. I know you might have expected a smaller child, but there is none available just now,” Sally and Charlie are in the pictures. Mrs. Brown realizes that their daughters are not here anymore, but she controls herself and doesn’t say anything.

Mrs. Brown watches the photos for awhile: “Could we see the children, please?” “Yeah, but they are having their nap, so we should wait a little. Let me invite you to a cup of coffee until then.” He walks over to a small bar and prepares three cups of coffee. Meanwhile the old lady enters the office and whispers something to the elegant man; he turns to Browns: “Maybe we could offer you younger babies, but you have to come tomorrow again. We have to do some examinations.” Mr. Brown nods: “No problem. We could look at the first two children today and at the other two tomorrow.”

Half an hour later a babysitter appears and invites them: “Sally and Charlie are awake already. You could look at them and talk with them if you want to.”

Sally is a happy toddler. When Browns and the babysitter enter the room, she is still in her crib. Her diaper is soaked and she would like to have a clean one: “Mel, Sally is wet,” she announces. The babysitter smiles at her: “Okay, sweetheart, let’s change.” She walks over to the bathroom, gets the supplies and comes back. She pulls down Sally’s pants, cleans her and puts a new diaper on her: “Mrs. Brown, let me introduce our Sally.” Sally stands up and runs to Mr. Brown; he cuddles her instinctively.

Charlie, on the other hand, is in his adult mode. He wakes up and his bladder is full. Two days ago he managed to escape to the bathroom in time and come back before the babysitter arrived. This time he is late. The babysitters don’t trust him and don’t let him out of the diapers. His only option is using the diaper and waiting for a change. However he is taken aback when Mrs. Brown turns to him: “Hi, Charlie, do you need a clean diaper?” He nods and smiles at her: “Bathroom,” he points to the bathroom Mel nods: “OK, take him there; it is more comfortable to use the changing table.”

Charlie stands up and heads towards the bathroom; Mrs. Brown follows him. It is a good opportunity for him to be alone with her. While they are walking, he wets the diaper on purpose. In the bathroom he lies down onto the changing table and turns to Mrs. Brown: “Don’t startle, please. I feel like a big boy and don’t know why.”

Mrs. Brown needs a few seconds to compose herself, but she gets the clean diaper and commences the changing: “Charlie, how did you get here? Did you see two girl twins?” He nods: “Yeah, the twins were here, but they got adopted two days ago. I don’t have any idea how I got here and don’t remember anything from my past.”

They finish the changing and return to the nursery. Sally is still cuddling to Mr. Brown and she looks cute. Mrs. Brown asks Mel: “Could we take them outside for awhile? It is a nice day and we could play with them.” Mel nods and leaves for the kitchen. Browns take the children to the park and they stare in disbelief at the well maintained grass, trees, benches and sandbox.

Sally is happy that she can play with somebody and she keeps cuddling to Mr. Brown, pulling him to the sandbox and slide. Charlie sits down on a bench next to Mrs. Brown and he pretends to have fun at playing with a toy car, but he doesn’t know more than he has told to her already.

An hour later Browns come back to the house and pass Charlie and Sally back to Mel. Sally seems to be disappointed that they are leaving. They thank the old lady and leave: “We come tomorrow again and look at the two babies.” The lady nods.

Re: Happy Family

Part 14

Charity is still watching the surroundings and listening to all noises. There is almost silence all around. All of sudden she can hear voices of several people. Unfortunately the door is closed and she can hear muffled sounds only. The voices are coming closer and she hears a nearby door opening. There is some commotion on the corridor and Charity wishes she could come closer; unfortunately she only can lie on her back in the crib. She tries to turn around at least, but all her effort is vain.

While Charity is thinking of the mysterious voices, she hears another sound; her stomach is grumbling. It is a response to the milk she drank earlier. She feels a movement down her bowels and a sudden pressure in her buttocks. A cold chill runs down her spine when she realizes what is going to happen. Instinctively she tries to clench the muscles, but they don’t respond. Instead she presses involuntarily; her bladder and bowels empty themselves into the diaper and it gets wet and heavy. The smell is spreading across the room. Charity is embarrassed; she can’t do anything but wait until Cathy comes and changes her. Tears appear in her eyes and she cries silently.

Cathy appears about fifteen minutes later to check on the babies; she feels the smell and sighs. Charity guesses that Cathy doesn’t like her job very much. She lifts Charity, carries her over to the bathroom, straps her to the changing table, opens the jumper and removes the dirty diaper. Charity didn’t move too much and the cleaning process doesn’t take long. After cleaning Cathy puts a thick diaper onto her crotch, takes Charity back to the nursery and offers her a bottle of tea.

Charity calms down and relaxes in Cathy’s arms. She realizes there is no other option than using the diaper and she should get used to it. Cathy puts her down and takes care of the boy. When she finishes, she carries both children into the playpen. They are lying next to each other and Charity reaches to the boy and strokes his head involuntarily. He turns his head, smiles and strokes Charity as well.

Cathy sits down on the chair and starts reading her book. Both babies are lying in the playpen and Charity tries to find a toy to spend her time. She hears the voices again. This time they are closer and she can recognize two children voices and several adult ones. The adults are speaking about adoption and Charity notices that somebody comes tomorrow to look at two babies. Do they mean her and the boy?

The adults seem to have left, but the children voices can be heard. The door opens and a boy and a girl enter the playroom. The girl leans down and looks at Charity: “Oh, two babies are here.” Her face is familiar to Charity, but she still isn’t able to identify her. The small boy smiles at the girl and she smiles back.

The older boy heads towards the bookshelves and takes a book; he sits down and starts reading. Charity realizes he is able to think clearly just like she is. She wonders how to notify him. If he came closer, maybe she would be able to let him know.

The girl sits down next to the playpen and gives Charity some toys. Charity takes them; it is a good way to spend the time until dinner. They are playing for awhile when the girl stands up and heads to the door, calling the babysitter: “Mel, Sally needs a clean diaper.” Charity realizes she also needs it; her diaper is wet already. However Cathy is still sitting and reading her book. Sally comes back in five minutes and sits down to Charity again.

In the evening Cathy makes two bottles of milk, changes and feeds both babies and leaves the nursery. Charity can hear a sigh of relief; Cathy’s shift is almost over. She is getting bored and tries to fall asleep just like the small boy. Unfortunately her mind is occupied by a lot of thoughts and she isn’t able to doze off. Half an hour later the small boy fidgets and Charity can feel the smell. Minutes later her body reacts in the same way. The boy is still asleep and doesn’t mind the dirty diaper at all. Charity has to face the unpleasant feeling again, but she doesn’t want to trouble Cathy and see her angry face.

Finally Charity hears the doors opening and a new babysitter enters the nursery. This one seems to be very nice; she changes and cleans both babies, smiles at them, cuddles them and sings them a lullaby. Charity and the boy are put into their cribs and they fall asleep.

Re: Happy Family

First of all, you have an interesting concept here. I like that there’s a mystery to be solved, and while we already know quite a bit of it, things aren’t being horribly rushed for the purpose of reaching particular scenes of interest. However, I think you’d do very well to slow down, and take a bit more time on this.

It’s obvious that English isn’t your first language (as you stated in your introduction) so since I’m not sure myself of how to properly translate the grammar and word usage from your native language to English, I feel that addressing this would be fruitless. I’m sorry I can’t really help you here. That said, it’s not bad enough to really hurt readability.

What is holding this story back from being much better is description.
See this quote below.

The old lady leads them through a large entrance hall to a luxurious and large office. The walls are lined by wood and all furniture is very expensive. The pictures of smiling babies are hanging on the walls. Five minutes later a well dressed man enters the room: “I’m sorry I don’t introduce myself, but this business is a bit … sensitive. Can I call you Mrs. And Mr. Brown? I don’t think it’s your true name.”

This is one of the only points where we are given any real description of what an area looks like. Even still, it could be so much more. As a reader, I love to read how others see things. Your own method of describing visuals can really add character and personality to your work.

You don’t have to go completely overboard, nor should you repeatedly tells us the color of something you’ve already established, but you’re currently very far from either of those. As it is, you’ve almost exclusively told us what things are. There is a nursery, there are cribs in it, she was in the basement. I don’t need to know the exact color of everything in a scene, but you should focus on at least giving us a general idea of what a room looks and feels like, not just listing the things in it.

The neutral color on the walls contrasted the vibrant toys scattered across the carpet.

This doesn’t even say what the colors are, but gives the general tone of the area.

She was an excited little girl with rosy cheeks and bright eyes. Her brown curls bounced as she toddled along, and her lacy dress tried its best to keep up, but remained one movement behind each step she took.

Children don’t simply walk across rooms and set blocks together, they are enrapture by what they’re doing, and it shows. Everything from the smile on their face, to the hasty-yet-unsteady steps toward their next item of interest shows just how much fun they’re having. Likewise, if a baby is not having fun, it will be obvious to everyone – even adjoining rooms.

The old lady’s scowl put Charity into a state of uneasiness. The disapproving look did not appear to be one that could be easily overcome by familiarity, but rather seemed to be a deep prejudice that would remain permanently etched into the wrinkles of her skin.
Descriptions can do more than just show us what things look like, but also what they mean to the characters within the story. You can tell us more about Charity by what she thinks when she sees things. The strange things that she sees should play at her emotions, and her emotions will then affect her perception of the world around her.

There’s a lot of “this happened, that happened.” But not a lot of how. None of the characters have much, well… character; they just see things and do things, and we’re often just left to assign our own reasons why. I frankly don’t even have a good idea of what the characters look like, and am simply mentally assigning features based on their names.

And lastly, I think some of the reactions are quite unbelievable. Obviously, total realism is out the window, but you’d think that if Charity went missing, even for a few hours, her place of work would be the first place her mother looks. Likewise, the police would almost certainly be involved if there was a chance that missing children had been spotted. It doesn’t have to be perfectly realistic, but you’d to well to read up on “suspension of disbelief.”

Anyway, carry on.