Hannah’s Secret
A/N: may add more later!
It wasn’t every day you came home to find your housemate in dire need of a fresh diaper.
Molly was trying to juggle her suitcase, backpack, guitar, and keys as she struggled to open the door. She had cut her weekend at home short, because she realized she had promised she’d meet with her group to work on a project on Sunday morning. Thus, Saturday night had found her driving four hours on short notice back to campus, both her mood and her aching legs feeling worse for wear upon her arrival at the apartment complex, where several windows still shine jewel bright despite the late hour. After conquering the stairs with her cumbersome load (she never liked to make more than one trip if she could help it), she rapped on the door to her apartment. Huffing, she waited for Hannah to answer, but she heard no footsteps announcing her approach. Always the sensible one, Molly figured that Hannah had turned in early and was already dozing peacefully. Grumbling to herself, Molly deposited her stuff on the ground and dug in her pocket for the key.
The door creaked open, and sure enough, Hannah was asleep, curled up on the sofa in her underwear. The room was dim, the only light coming from a yellowish floor lamp and the TV, which was currently showing a commercial of some sort. Quietly as she could, Molly hefted her things through the living room and into her bedroom. They had been fortunate enough to rent an apartment where they could each have their own bedroom, which was useful because unlike responsible Hannah, Molly was a night owl and very rarely went to bed before midnight.
Having slipped into her pajamas, Molly padded out into the living room. It had been a while since dinner, and she thought she would perhaps make herself some ramen before bed. She put some water on to boil, then meandered back into the living room to wait. The commercials had ended, and Molly saw that Hannah had been watching Sesame Street. Cookie Monster was on screen, devouring a cookie, crumbs flying everywhere. Molly smiled, her arms folded across her front; she had thought that was hysterical as a kid. She supposed Hannah was watching for old times sake. Smile still in place, she directed her gaze to Hannah, and did a double-take. Her sleeping attire was not a t shirt and panties, as she had assumed upon first glance, but rather a college student-sized onesie. Shocked, Molly’s eyes traveled to the crotch where, just like a baby’s onesie, there were snaps. What was more, Molly noticed a distinct bulge there, as though something thick and puffy was underneath. She couldn’t believe it, but the evidence was right here in front of her: Hannah was wearing a diaper.
Curiosity and disbelief drew her closer. There was no mistaking it. There was a bit of the diaper visible, if she looked from the side. In close proximity to her slumbering housemate, she could hear the soft sounds of her breathing, see the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Her hair had been arranged into pigtails, and only now did Molly see the puffy, childish scrunchies, decorated with cartoon alligators, that were holding them in place. And sniffing the air, Molly caught a scent that was quite familiar to her. She had babysat on more than one occasion, and she recognized the smell of urine. Hannah’s diaper was obviously soaked.
Molly didn’t know what to do. Why was Hannah dressed like this? Why was she wearing a diaper, a wet one, at that? Should she talk to her about it, or let her sleep and pretend she hadn’t seen? The last question was decided for her, as Hannah suddenly stirred and blearily opened her eyes. Molly didn’t move, and Hannah locked eyes with her. It was almost comical how quickly they went from being droopy with sleep to wide, round, and horrified.
Neither of them said anything. They just looked into each other’s eyes, the silence expanding like a balloon about to pop. A red flush crept into Hannah’s cheeks, spreading across her whole face until it was red as a beet. Tears began to creep into her eyes, and soon were cascading silently down her cheeks.
“Oh Hannah, don’t cry,” said Molly consolingly, the other girl’s tears bringing her out of her stunned silence. She crouched down beside Hannah, whose face was blotchy now, her nose beginning to run. “Here—” she handed Hannah a tissue from the coffee table. Hannah mumbled “thanks,” but averted her eyes.
Molly wasn’t sure what to say. So they sat in silence for a few moments, the only sounds the TV and Hannah’s sniffles. Molly tried to catch her eye, but her head was turned away, her face covered by a disheveled curtain of blond hair. In that moment, she reminded Molly of little kids she had babysat, after they had been caught doing something wrong. The pigtails, onesie, and bulging diaper certainly heightened the impression. “Listen,” said Molly soothingly, “I’m going to go finish up making this ramen, then we’ll talk. Okay?”
A muffled “okay” issued from Hannah, who was wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Three minutes later, a steaming bowl of ramen in hand, Molly plopped down on the sofa next to Hannah, whose tears had stopped but her face remained blotchy and red. She looked extremely self-conscious.
“So, what’s going on?” Molly said, hoping she sounded casual.
“I didn’t know you were coming back tonight,” mumbled Hannah.
“Yeah, sorry about that. Late notice.”
There was silence for a few seconds. Molly slurped some noodles. The air was heavy with the unacknowledged elephant in the room.
“So, uh…how long have you been wearing diapers?” Molly said awkwardly.
“Oh, God,” said Hannah, burying her face in her hands. “I can’t believe this is happening. It’s like a nightmare.”
“What is?” Said Molly.
“I…I…” Hannah choked, fighting back a sob. “I’ve n-never told anyone. Never. And now…and now…” Her lip trembled. “Oh, now you must think I’m disgusting.”
“Of course I don’t think that!” Said Molly hastily, setting down her half finished ramen so she could drape an arm around Hannah’s shoulders. She pulled her into a side-armed hug. “I’m just…confused, is all. Are the diapers a medical thing, or…”
Hannah shook her head, obviously mortified.
“Then…why?” Molly asked gently.
“B-because…I like them.”
Though she was being fairly reticent, Molly had the impression that Hannah was glad to at last be telling someone this secret, which she guessed she had been harboring for years. Molly stayed silent for a bit, hoping Hannah would elaborate, and eventually, with a shuddering breath, she went on.
“I’ve liked them for as long as I can remember. In sixth grade I would draw pictures of myself, wearing them, I would think about it nonstop, I couldn’t get it out of my head.” The words were pouring out now, and though she obviously feared what Molly was thinking, Hannah appeared eager to get all of this off her chest, now that the opportunity had at last presented itself. “I took several babysitting jobs, and stole diapers. I would try them in when I was alone at home, pretend I was a little kid again. Then in high school, I got a job and started ordering them online. I would go the the pickup location so my parents didn’t see the boxes arriving at the house. I…couldn’t stop. Even now, I can’t stop.”
“Why do you like them?” Molly inquired, arm still around Hannah’s shaking shoulders.
“They…oh, it sounds so stupid. They make me feel safe. They help me relax when I’m stressed out by school, they just feel nice to wear. They make me feel like I have nothing to worry about.”
Molly gave Hannah’s shoulders a squeeze, and Hannah, tentatively, met Molly’s eyes. They were still shining, and she looked distressed. “I’m so sorry, Molly,” she said tearfully.
“Why?” Said Hannah, taken aback.
“I’m sorry I’m a disgusting weirdo who likes to piss herself.”
The self-deprecating remark made Molly’s heart clench. “Hey,” she said reassuringly. “I’ll admit, I don’t know if I can share your feelings…but I know you, Hannah, and you are not a weirdo. You’re pretty, and smart, and you’re empathetic and kind…I know we don’t share all the same interests me but don’t apologize for being you!”
Hannah looked dubious. “Are you disgusted by it?”
“I mean, I don’t know if I’d want to wear diapers myself,” said Molly cautiously, “but I’m being honest when I say that I don’t have a problem with you wearing them. Cross my heart.”
Hannah sniffed, but couldn’t help but break into a watery smile at her friend’s supportive words. “Thanks, Molly. I…I should probably go get myself changed…”
The indirect acknowledgement of her soaked diaper made her face glow red once again.
“Do you want any help?” Molly found herself asking.
Hannah looked surprised at the offer. “Um…I was just going to clean off and change into some panties…” She said, as though she was afraid to give the answer she really wanted to give.
“Okay, if you want to. But you don’t have to switch to underwear on my account.”
Hannah was quiet for a few moments. “When you say help, do you mean…”
“I can change you, if you want,” Molly said. “Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’m pretty good at it.”
Molly could tell that Hannah’s acute embarrassment was warring with her intense, longing curiosity. Finally, she said, “okay.”
“Do you have wipes?”
“Yeah, in here.”
No longer having any reason to hide, Hannah led Molly into her room. Pulling out the bottom dresser drawer and reaching into the very back, she extracted a diaper with animal print on it, and a tub of wipes.
“Cute,” said Molly as examined the diaper. Hannah blushed. “Where do you want to lie down?”
“Bed’s fine,” she said.
The process of changing diapers was familiar to Molly, but it was strange to be changing the diaper of such a grown person, especially when that person happened to be her housemate. In no time she had unfastened the snaps, untaped the diaper, cleaned Hannah up, and taped the fresh diaper up snug and sound. “There you are,” she said cheerfully, snapping the onesie back into place.
She had to admit, Hannah looked adorable. Her blond pigtailed hair was still disheveled, and the onesie stretched over her thick diaper gave her a look of pure, innocent youth. Even the way she was sitting, with her legs slightly apart to account for the diaper’s bulk, reminded her of a cute little three year old.
“Well, I’m going to head to bed,” Molly yawned, glancing at the clock on Hannah’s bedside, which read 1:30 am. She was not surprised to see a pacifier sitting beside it. “Need anything else?”
“No,” said Hannah softly. They dynamic between the two of them had shifted dramatically, and both of them knew it. Each one was anxious to see how things would pan out from here.
“Thanks Molly, for listening. And, you know…” Changing my diaper. Not making fun of me. Not abandoning me in disgust, demanding to switch housemates.
“No problem,” said Molly with a smile. She flipped the light switch, and Hannah’s room was plunged into darkness. “Sleep tight.”
Hannah collapsed into her pillows. She could feel the bulky, soft warmth of her fresh diaper, hear the crinkle that she would no longer have to hide. She didn’t have to hide from Molly anymore. It felt unexpectedly freeing to have at least one person know, and be supportive. But this fact scared her, too. Now that she didn’t have to hide, would she be able to control herself? Would she eventually tell other people, until it became known to all that Hannah was a diaper girl through and through? Was she really ready for this to become a daily part of her life, especially knowing that not everyone would be as open minded or kind as Molly? Her eyes itching with tiredness, Hannah slipped her pacifier off the bedside table and popped it into her mouth. She closed her eyes, sucking on the paci, her diaper rustling as she turned to and fro. Finally, she became still, and sleep rolled over her at last.
Hannah woke to shafts of sunlight illuminating her room, bird smacking a racket outside. She turned over, savoring the all-encompassing warmth of her covers, the feel of the pacifier, which was still in her mouth. She listened for a while to the birds twittering and the soft swoosh of the spare Sunday morning traffic. She realized she needed to pee. She groaned, rolling out of bed and shuffling out of her room, not to the bathroom, but to the living room to start making breakfast. As much as she would have loved to keep on sleeping, she still could not manage to let go while she was lying down, and she did have some homework she needed to finish.
The living room too was suffused with bright morning light, and Hannah’s heart lightened. Molly wasn’t here. She supposed she was still asleep, or maybe at the library doing that group project she had mentioned in passing last night. Last night…it still seemed surreal to her, the events that had transpired. Hannah couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t, believe that Molly was one hundred percent okay with her wearing diapers. She had changed her, she acknowledged, her face flushing with an odd mix of embarrassment and pleasure. But would she stand for it if it continued? And wet diapers were one thing, but messy diapers? Hannah was trembling slightly. She had only messed her diaper once, at the beginning of high school. It had been the first time she bought her own pack of diapers online. It had been a Friday night, her parents and older sister had both been out, and she had off work, a rare combination. The cleanup had taken ages, she recalled, but the sensation had been intoxicating. But now at she had someone to help…but no, surely Molly would not want to become designated diaper changer. Hannah felt silly. Of course, Molly had only wanted to help her out last night. It wasn’t like she had enjoyed changing her diaper. She had probably been thinking the whole time, despite her smile, how disgusting and childish Hannah was being, silently judging her.
“Stupid, stupid Hannah,” she chastised herself, ripping the alligator scrunchies out of her hair so that her blond, disheveled curtain fell down past her shoulders. She went to go make breakfast. “Ok Alexa, play Mozart on Spotify,” she said, aware of the shake still audible in her voice, which she was sure people found girlish and annoying. As she bent to retrieve some eggs and chopped peppers from the fridge, she let her aching bladder go. A sensation she was well used to engulfed her; a sense of relief made her relax as a heavy stream was released into her diaper. For a few moments she stood still, gazing out the window into the brilliant morning as she finished the job. She wasn’t afraid to soak these diapers; she had been ordering them for a while, and she had not once had a leak while using them. Finally, she was done, and continued bustling about, making breakfast. She enjoyed the sensation of the diaper as she moved; it was pleasantly warm in the cool morning air, and much heavier and fuller. It strained slightly on the snaps of her onesie. She hummed along to the classical music as she prepared her omelette, enjoying the sizzling and popping of the pan. This was how all Sunday mornings ought to be, she thought contentedly.
As she sat down at the table to tuck into her omelette, she felt another familiar twinge in her abdomen, and knew immediately what it meant. She was due for a BM soon, and was struck with a sudden conflict: use her diaper, or the toilet?
Of course, she knew what she wanted to do. But the consequences were what made her pause. It would take a while to clean herself up, and she didn’t want to sit in a messy diaper long enough for the smell to hang around. Besides, Molly might return any moment. You don’t have to worry about that anymore, she said so, Hannah told herself, shifting uncomfortably in her chair, chewing her omelette as the pressure to relieve her bowels grew stronger. But what if dirty diapers are where Molly draws the line? She’s already been more understanding than I could have hoped. Do I push it? Would she be okay with it?
Hannah knew there was a sure fire way to find out exactly what Molly thought of her housemate pooping her pants. The thought was mortifying, but part of Hannah really wanted to test Molly, to see if she was true to her word. But then again, Molly might not even be back for hours. Hannah really had no idea. Suddenly, as if in response to her thought, her phone buzzed.
“On my way back.”
As Hannah began typing a response, another text joined the first.
“Need a change?”
Hannah stared at the words. Hardly daring to believe it’s she typed “yes” and sent it before she could rethink. The need to relieve herself was at the breaking point, and didn’t these words confirm that Molly was not only okay with Hannah’s diapers, but eager to help her out? Putting her phone on the table, Hannah got up to look out the window, her breath coming in short bursts, her intestines churning. She was going to do it, she decided. And as she made her decision, an unbidden giddiness flowed through her.
She couldn’t have waited much longer, as it was. Closing her eyes, Hannah relaxed for the second time that morning, and pushed a little. It didn’t take much. The back of her diaper expanded as the mess entered it. She has really had to go; the mess had spread throughout her diaper, leaving it even heavier and bulkier than before. Hannah sighed. The pressure was gone, the deed done. She spotted Molly’s curly brown hair; she was making her way across the road to their apartment. A bad smell was permeating the morning air, and Hannah knew it was all her doing. She felt extremely babyish, and what was more, she thoroughly enjoyed it. However, part of her still had a gripping fear that the hammer was going to drop once Molly saw exactly how heavy-duty of a change she required.
Suddenly, the sound of a key in the lock filled the air. Molly entered, backpack slung over her shoulder. She found Hannah’s eyes and smiled.
“Morning,” she said jovially. Hannah smiled back, but with trepidation.
“How was your meeting?” Hannah asked, folding her arms protectively over herself.
“Surprisingly good. This group isn’t full of boneheads, like usual.” She said airily. “And you need a change,” she said suddenly. It wasn’t a question. “If I’m not mistaken, I think someone is stinky.”
Hannah blushed hard. Molly had become used to this over the past 12 hours.
“Well, come on!” She said, with no change in her jovial tone as she gestured for Hannah to follow her to her own room. In fact, she sounded slightly amused at Hannah’s reaction. “I can’t imagine you’re comfortable in that thing.”
Hannah followed Molly; now that her diaper was both soaked and messy, it felt weird to walk. She could feel the mass, which had begun to cool, shifting against her as she walked. The sensation had been just as intoxicating as she remembered, but the aftermath was kind of gross.
After grabbing a diaper and the wipes, Molly said, “We should probably get you changed in the kitchen. Wouldn’t want to ruin your carpet.”
“Right,” Hannah replied.
“Unless you have a changing pad?”
“No,” Hannah admitted. She had never once thought there would be someone else who has willing to put up with her diaper wearing to the point of changing her.
“You should maybe look into one,” Molly suggested. It would make it easier for me. Here, lay down."
Hannah obeyed. She lifted her legs as Molly prompted, feeling the snaps being undone and the diaper being untaped. She stared resolutely at the ceiling, not wanting to catch Molly’s eye. She heard Molly remark, “Wow, Hannah! You sure did a number on this one!” She wasn’t sure her face could have gone any redder. She felt utterly small, not just because she was lying on the floor having a poopy diaper changed, but because Molly was acting as though Hannah were just another one of her babysittees. Sure, Hannah liked feeling like a kid. But she also liked having Molly as a friend, as an equal. They had studied together, laughed together, cooked meals together in their years at college, and it felt like last night all of this had gone out the window. Now she was, in Molly’s eyes, just Hannah the baby, who liked to suck on pacifiers and couldn’t control her bodily functions. The sound of rustling and ripping tapes awoke her from her musings. Molly had finished cleaning her up, and was preparing to put a fresh diaper on her. Hannah found that she did not want it.
“Panties,” she said firmly.
“What?” Said Molly, as though she had misheard.
“I want normal underwear,” Hannah said, sitting up, aware that she was naked from the waist down. She realized show petulant she must sound, but she could not bear Molly’s attitude any more today. She couldn’t satisfactorily explain why. All she knew was that something had shifted between her and Molly, and she didn’t want it to be permanent.
“But…” Molly suddenly looked worried. “I thought you liked it.”
“I…I do, normally, but…” Hannah found herself struggling for words. “It’s been a bit…strange…between us since last night. Don’t you think?”
Molly’s eyes widened. “Oh no, Hannah, I hope I didn’t misinterpret…I mean, I thought you wanted…you like to feel little, sometimes, don’t you?”
Hannah hadn’t expected this reaction. “Yeah, but…I like our friendship, too.”
They stared at each other for a while. “Do you…uh, should I stop offering to change you? Is that crossing the line?” Molly said sheepishly.
Hannah was amazed. Molly had been thinking the same thing she had. So Molly wasn’t disgusted by her, after all. In fact, she seemed to be just as excited about caring for Hannah as Hannah was about being cared for.
“No, no!” Hannah said quickly. She tugged the loose flap of her onesie down over her naked state, trying to retain some modesty. “I just…I like some baby stuff, but I don’t want to be treated like a little kid all the time. I like just talking with you Mol, hanging out. I don’t want that to change.”
“Okay,” Molly beamed. She looked just as relieved as Hannah felt. Really, how lucky was she to be sharing a house with the one person who had accepted her darkest secret and did not think any the worse of her?
“You should go get some pants on,” Molly teased, her tone still jovial but somehow, more normal. “We should hang out tonight. Are you free?”
“After I finish my homework, yeah,” said Hannah, smiling.
“Excellent!”
“And Molly…” Hannah said, her tone demure. “I…I changed my mind. I think I’d like to wear the diaper, after all.”
Molly grinned. “Sure thing!”