Gladiator 11/24

I would first like to say I am new at writing and to this board. By seeing my writing you can tell that I am not probably the best
at writing.

I woke with a start, my head pounding. I felt rain dripping on my head. As I looked up I saw a metal grate and a flash of lightning

lit wherever I was to show me I was in some sort of cave. I couldn’t remember anything how I got here or even who I was. I sat down

on the cold stony ground to think things over. I jumped when I heard a roar so loud and terrifying I jumped, I felt my head hit

something hard before the light faded. I awoke again to find it was still raining I looked over to see a gate between me and what

looked to be a giant lion. As I processed everything I curled up shivering from the cold into a ball and fell sleep. The last thought that went through my head before slept crept in was a simple selfish statement. “I wish I could die”

I hoped you like the first part if you would like me to continue I will do so if not please point out errors.

Re: The night upon dawn.

This is very, very short. Also, you really should check your formatting; it’s mildly disconcerting, as a reader, to have so much space between two words in the middle of a sentence. It interrupts the flow of the thoughts, somewhat, and gives off the impression you’re trying to make this look longer than it really is. Of course, it may not have looked like that to you as you were posting it, and this is all clearly my own opinion on this matter. With these things in mind, I encourage you to continue, if only to see where you go after such an unusual opening scene.

Re: Mirko

I see what you mean mirko by saying it is very short. I did not intend for that to happen but when copy/pasting the three more paragraphs got cut off.

Re: The birth of a man.

Here is the rest that got cut off enjoy. :slight_smile:

When I awoke again by the sunlight streaming through the grate above the cave. I rolled over to find a girl! She had blonde hair she was about 5’ 6" at first glance I would guess she was about 17. It wasn’t till I saw her that I realized how hungry I was. She suddenly bolted awake screaming and kneed me in stomach I cried out also. We both looked at the entrance with fear when we heard a clanking noise from outside the entrance. We saw a figure clad in a black long sleeved shirt, white cargo pants, black boots, and a white mask. He was holding a long spear with blue electricity sparks coming out the end. He opened the door by sticking his spear into a hole. The door creaked open and he told us in a deep demanding voice to follow him. I tripped and fell on the guard’s shoes he tripped and yelled in a different language, he then took his spear and hit me with it. I felt an electrical pulse go through me and I screamed in pain. He yelled at me to get up, as I got up I saw we were at a banquet hall filled with more men dressed like him but all were eating.

We took a left and finally got to a room filled with emptiness and darkness. Holographic screens came up all around us with people living freely and filled with merriment. The girl just watched in sadness, where as I was filled with rage. I screamed out in a voice I did not think to be my own “Why do you mock us?” I would have punched him if my hands had not been chained. I immediately resorted to my feet and body, I knocked him down and he grunted in pain. An alarm went off and more guards rushed in. I felt more electrical pulses this time ten times worse. I screamed and kept on screaming until darkness crept in. I woke up, this time I was in a room in beige and bland colors. I stood up to go to a sink. When I looked in the mirror I had blue eyes and long blonde hair. My body I did not recognize it was buff. I then remembered my name “Aeolus.” Meaning god of air, and wind. I left the room to find many more “prisoners” including the girl. Everyone went silent when I entered, the tallest one who I assumed the leader said in a deep voice “It took guts what you did kid.” With that said I asked everyone where we were, how we got here, etc etc. No one had answers except for what are they going to do with us. I learned we were going to be sold to rich men and be used as slaves or be put in the arena. We all ate supper after that and went to sleep. From that moment I wanted to live. My last thought before sleeping was “I’m going to be sold, go to the arena win the kill every single damn person that brought me here.” I promised myself that then went to sleep.

Re: The birth of a man.

Huh; interesting. Never quite seen “gladiatorial combat” on this board before, at least as I can recall. Could be a nice change of pace.

Re: Gladiator

Chapter 1When I awoke I stretched and exited my room. I came to what was the kitchen, it had few compartments with food. The room was the same color as my room but had a concrete floor where as mine had dirt. I was surprised to only see the girl out there, I was about to talk when she shushed me motioning to the other rooms. I realized all the other men were asleep. I got out food from some small compartments. I sat silently reading while she appeared to be staring off in space. I asked her what she was doing all she did was look at me before going back to what she was doing after a small silence she replied in a soft almost inaudible voice “thinking.” I could tell from a slight hint in her voice that she was pissed at me. I thought that maybe the guards had hurt her to. It a couple minutes before I asked her another question “what is your name?” Again after a couple minutes she said in the same voice “Delaney.” I would have asked her more questions if the men didn’t come out of their rooms in to the kitchen. They were all talking rather loud and after about 10 minutes everybody was done eating.

We heard the stomps of boots, we all simultaneously turned towards the single reinforced oak doors. The doors opened and eight guards all dressed the same told us to form in single file lines. We were led to a gray room, an examination room. We were told to all strip down naked except the girl she was led to a private room. I then saw how many guys there were there had to be at least 40. They called the first two from the four lines, they were led in to a small concealed room. After a couple minutes they came out there was a lot of whispering from the lines as to what they were doing. One of them came down to my line and said that it was a physical and psychological test. After what seemed an endless wait it was finally my turn. I walked into the room to find my doctor was a female, she had blue eyes, blonde hair, and was about 5’5". There was something about her that made her different from the guards instead of being cruel she was nice and cheerful. She told me to sit down, when I did she slid a ring over my forehead what I assumed was to monitor my brain. She then took my blood pressure, breathing rate, etc. etc. I felt a needle be injected in my arm before everything went blurry, then I passed out. When I awoke again the doctor looked worried and scared, she quickly went over to her computer and on the projected screen I watched her delete my results! She filled out some new results what I assumed to be fake. “What are you doing?” I asked she looked at me startled and said in a scared voice “Nothing” and left it at that. I was escorted out of the room while questions went through my brain. After everyone was done we were cleared to leave and had the rest of the day to ourselves. I went back to my room, ate, and then went to sleep despite how early it was. I awoke the next morning and went to the kitchen I saw a clock on the wall that I hadn’t noticed before. The time told me it was 4:00 am, I also noticed that the door was ajar. I went out to find all the passages except one blocked off. I followed it and it brought me to a track. I didn’t feel like running so I sat on the cool wet grass and just thought. I thought about everything who I was, where I was, and about yesterday. I lost track of time and was startle when I heard Delaney’s voice “You know if you think any longer you’re brains gonna explode.” I looked over to her to see her grinning like a Cheshire cat from her wise crack comment. We both started laughing as the tension broke between us, after a couple minutes she told me we should go eat some food.

Chapter 2

Delaney’s face suddenly fell as we got up to go eat. I had no idea why because I thought that maybe she wasn’t mad at me but… The rest of the walk was silent to the mess hall when we got there we found most of the guys had started eating. I sat down at one of the tables just wondering when we were going to be sold.
“The world is now in our control, our empire is great, we own all of Europe and some of Africa” boomed a dark controlling voice. There were cheers from the guards known as commandos. “We will rule, no one will stand against us.” boomed the voice again over the intercoms, again commandos cheered and cheers were heard from the empire. The emperor, Glade, was head of all the Taranian Empire. (Pronounced tah-ray-nee-an) The capital of the empire was in Berlin, Germany.
NOTE: No it is not in Berlin because Germany was Nazi in 1914-1945 or anything of the sort.
Back to the story. An intercom sounded in our room, a deep voice told us to report to the field immediately. As we all walked out, I saw the field much better because it was actually light out, there was an obstacle course, track field, and boxing ring. We were split into three groups of 20. My group was led to the track, I saw I was with the leader and other strong athletic me. There were two guards without male the first, was male, white, built strongly, and had a look of a seasoned fighter. The second being female built strongly but had a softer look on her face. The male started the instructions “when the gun sounds you are all to run 12 laps around the track (three miles), those who do not finish in time will be dropped and be sold as slaves, your time limit is 20 minutes.” There was a lot of muttering from everybody as we got situated on the track. “Good luck you’re gonna need it” said a guy next to me. He was built firmly and looked athletic. “Tell me that when I finish first” I stated back calmly. When the gun sounded everything was in slow motion my heart was pumping as I ran as hard as I could.
I kept on running not paying attention to anything but running, all I heard was my breath and my heart pumping.
I was startled when I heard the female state in a surprised voice “one.” I looked back and saw I finished a lap, I looked and saw everybody was only half way, they were all jogging. I realized I was the only one running but I didn’t care, I kept on running, “better to finish early than late” I thought. I kept on running slowing down a bit so I wasn’t sprinting. As I caught up to the group a heard a voice from inside the group “man young blood” I almost started laughing but kept it in. I slowed to a jog to catch some breath and as we passed the line stating for me I had done two laps I sprinted. I just watched as I passed each person, the rest of the track run went like that. I was first to finish 7 laps ahead of everyone, I finished at 10 minutes 54 seconds. I collapsed on the finish line panting and wheezing. I waited for everyone else to finish, no one was cut, the last person finished by the skin of their teeth, a 19 minutes 58 seconds.
When we were told to get up for a water break the leader and basically everybody else asked in amazement “How did you do that” I responded in my same calm deep voice “Didn’t save anything for the way back.” When it came to fighting I came in 4 behind guys with a lot of strength. The obstacle course I finished with the same amazement results, first place ahead of everyone else. All the trainers were amazed and speechless at my results. We were sent back to our “home” where we ate and slept. The next day I awoke early from a nightmare. I ate and went running, when I got back everyone was done eating, just sitting there talking. Commando’s came to get us and brought us to the same examination room.
This time we were branded with a number and led through a hall to an awaiting crowd of wealthy merchants. Anger, rage, happiness, and sadness every emotion went through me. I watched as each person was sold like possessions. When it was my turn the walked up and the announcer started “this here is a strong, smart, and healthy boy. He finished each test with amazing results. We will start the auction at ten thousand euros.” I gasped at the price I guess I wasn’t paying attention to the price but 10k euros is still a lot. I heard a merchant “25k”, the whole crowd gasped and turned to him. He was about 6’5". Strong, but he didn’t look greedy but nice.
I was walked to him and we left. “Things are gonna change boy, were going to change the world.”

Please send feedback, would be much appreciated good or bad. Jusk comment something

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

Comments would be appreciated because I don’t know if I’m just putting trash on the forum. Also comments would help mguife me through writing my story.

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

Solid concept, decent execution, terrible formatting. Once this is better developed (longer chapters, though perhaps a bit much to ask for, would be great.), and there is good spacing (I read best with double spacing), I would daresay this story will be a pleasure to read. Remember to work in lots of character development!

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

And throw in a few more paragraphs! Otherwise, it’s an interesting start.

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

When I copy/paste on forum my double spacing goes away. Also what type formatting would you like?

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

One trick that instantly makes the chunks of text easier to process is how you separate paragraphs… right now, you are putting it immediately below, and indenting.
This method doesn’t actually provide great separation. What I would do instead is press return twice, and not indent at all, using an entire line rather than a small indent to break it up.

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

I would also like to note that for the first 2 chapters being so short was because they acted as basically the intro Next chapter hopefully by tomorrow

Re: Gladiator (Updated 11-15-14}

I walked behind the guy through a long dark tunnel. As we got to the entrance two guards checked us and we were able to go through. As we left the light from the sun momentarily blinded me, I turned around and was in awe at what I saw. The building I was in was a huge dome. The dome was a blue-gray color. The supposed sun and sky I had saw in the training courses were just computer generated. The silence was broken when the man spoke “jump in the jet.” I saw no jet until one seemed to materialize in front of me. The side panel opened and I saw Delaney and the guy who was the leader of our group. The man and I hurried into the jet. As we took off, the side closed and through the window in the side I saw the plane go invisible!

“My name is Knox and welcome to Dawn” yelled the guy that had bought me. I had no idea who Dawn was but I hoped they were good. I saw on a holographic map we were headed to a place called America. The ride to America was just under 1 hour. We touched down at a huge building, it had the words ΔAWN (note Δ equals D in Greek pronounced Delta) .As we got out the man began “The sole purpose of Dawn is to stop the TCA aka Taranian Empire.” Ever since they have gained Europe things have changed they have opened up Arenas where they send people who defy them to fight their commandos and wild beasts." “Asia, South and North America, and much of Africa have been able to withstand their rule but with many casualties.”
“Most of our cities are gone and we have to deal with frequent bombings.” The TVA mainly attack nuclear plants so we can’t nuke them." “We have been on the defensive too long, Glade needs to be stopped.” With that Knox finished. We were at a room with 3 beds, this would be our room. The next day a man came to get us, he was black, 6’ 2", and was built roughly. “My name is McClellan. For the next few weeks you will be trained under my watch. Oh and remember You are the world’s only hope.” He asked us to follow him to the kitchen. We were given a protein bar and a capsule of about 6 oz. of water. “For the next few weeks you will be given limited rations, you need to be prepared for any situation. At the end of the training you will be put in the arena to fight The TVA and destroy.” We were brought to a training facility with a weight lifting set, boxing area, and training area. We went through the drills until supper. We were given the same rations, then given the rest of the day in our rooms. The other boy began “names Jack, what’s yours” my reply was simple “Aeolus.” The Jack and Delaney started laughing hysterically in unison they said while laughing " What kind of fucking name is that" “I didn’t choose the name I just saw that name on my shirt and thought it was mine” I stated embarrassedly. “That’s the brand of the shirt dumbass” they said laughing. The laughing started dying down so I stated a name that came to mind “Mitchell.” I ran my hands through my hair and they got caught on something. I tugged at it until it came out, it was an electronic device. Jack and Delaney gasped and I did too when I saw myself in the mirror. My hair turned brown and so did my eyes. The device was turning my hair blonde and my eyes blue!

When I got over my hair being actually brown I went to sleep. The next 4 months we exactly the same training and more training, Each day during the treadmill exercise we put on 50 pound back packs and had to run on ten. The instructors there punched us in the stomach and we had to keep on running or we had to do an extra mile. We were elite, at the end of the training we went through a simulation of the arena, it was intense but we didn’t fail. Delaney and Jack weren’t friends anymore they were family.

The day of our arena fight was today. As we were going to our pick up point Knox came up to us. “We do not accept failure, the world depends on you” With that he left us in the plane. We took off towards Rome, Italy our first fight. The arena was a huge dome with one entrance. Anti-air defense guns were surrounding the arena, no escape or attack. We were sent to through the entrance down tunnel 3. I could hear cheers of the crowd, sick. From our position directly across from us was another entrance it had dogs, wild dogs. A rush of fear and excitement went through my body.

“No. I have to keep emotions out” I said quietly. “We have to work as a team” I yelled to Delaney and Jack. I continued “We’ll get killed if we don’t” They nodded and we heard counting down from 20 seconds. McClellan looked at us with sorrow you don’t get to have your hand shackles off." He said. “What the fuck why not” I yelled at him. “They said it’s a new rule. Remember your training trust it, if you don’t you’ll be carried out of here in a body bag.” Thanks for the words of encouragement" Jack yelled sarcastically. A bell was rung and the gate slid open. This is it. We ran out into the sand as one, as a team, we are the Gladiators.

A commando with an electrical spear came charging at Delaney. I rushed behind him and put him in a choke hold with my chains. He cried out and started struggling. I felt the power drain form him and he dropped the spear. He went limp and I threw him down. The crowd screamed with excitement as I picked up the spear. The man started to get up I don’t know how. He took knife from a holder on his leg and charged at me. I took the spear and rammed it through his body, I felt his life drain. I ran to Delaney and cut her chains, then Jack’s, and he did the same for me. We got ready the pack of three dogs ran at us I threw my spear to Delaney and she stabbed one. One of them leapt at me going for the throat, its efforts were finished when I twisted its neck silencing it.

A chariot led by horses charged at me. I looked at Jack and He nodded. We both leapt onto the front of the chariot and unlinked the chariot from the horses. The driver of the chariot quickly pulled the reigns to the side and we were flung from the chariot. I saw the chariot come and land on my arm. Everything went black. I awoke to pain shooting through my arm. It was all foggy. I tried to pull my arm free but it was stuck. A commando with a sword ran at me. He raised the sword about to cleave my head from my body when Jack punched the guy in the face. The man dropped the sword with my good hand I picked it up. The commando obviously had years of experience because he was destroying Jack. I raised the sword straight up and yelled to Jack. The commando turned as Jack punched him. The man fell backwards onto the sword. My shirt got damp and blood poured from the man.

The air filled with the smell of blood. Delaney came and pushed the chariot off my body. I got up with a shooting pain going through my leg. Jack took the sword from the man’s body. “Watch out” I yelled as I saw two commandos come up. Someone punched me from the back and I fell down. I looked down at my leg to find why it was in pain. The commando had a knife when he fell on me. I kicked the commando who punched me. As he fell I pulled the knife and drove it through his neck. He gurgled something unintelligible before dying. I got up and ram my knife through Delaney’s attacker. A cheer rose from the crowd, I looked and saw no one was left to kill. I felt the power form my body drain as I fell back. The light faded and it was dark.

Hoped you like it. Please comment.