FROM HUBBY TO BUBBY, A WIFE’S DIARY.
This story is taken directly from my diary. It is has been modified with regards to names and dates but in most other respects, [but not all] represents my experiences faithfully. The diary was not originally written with the view that others would read it. When I was persuaded to publish I found it necessary to expanded some diary entries with details and additional dialogue that others reading it would need. Happy to receive feedback and questions.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by
And that has made all the difference.”
Robert Frost
11th May
I am writing this diary because I have came to a decision about my relationship with Joe, [my husband] which will be far reaching. I make this decision without being sure of the outcome. What I do know is that by the time I have finished transforming our relationship it will be very different from what it is now. I certainly anticipate that this ‘journey’ will contain many twists and turns and thus the diary. If nothing else it will give me a place to record and reflect on our journey. A place where I can be honest about myself, about Joe, and about our relationship. My diary will be my objective stranger that I can confide in and tell my story to. I currently have no one else I feel I can share these things with. I know this will be important as I suspect that things will get very intense from time to time.
I have been married to Joe for six years now. I’m sitting here thinking how I would describe him to a stranger. He is good looking. He’s compact, but with a frame too slight to be described as muscular. Five foot seven in height well proportioned with classical blond hair and blue eyes. My girlfriends describe him as cute. Joe is a good provider and quite simply he loves me with all his heart, which of course is the most endearing quality about him! But this love for me alternates between the love of a nappy wearing little boy that seeksreassurance at my breast and that of an adult male wanting to sexually claim his wife.
I had half known this before we married, but as all lovers do I overestimated the power of my love to change him. For his part he was confident that in the security of our relationship he would at last be able to leave behind his infant longings. It hasn’t happened. He has tried of course. At times he has thrown out all his nappies, plastic panties, and his num num, keeping just his beloved Teddy and some favorite toddlers picture books. Within a few months such has been his feelings of emotional deprivation that he has at considerable cost bought them all again. It is an emotional roller coaster ride for us both.
The absolutely frustrating thing for me is that I never know where I am with him, wife or Mummy. He can change from one day to the next. In fact within a day he will want to be my little boy, calling me Mummy, wearing his nappy, coming to be changed, wanting cuddles, and later he will reject my mothering role and demand to be treated like the head of the house. More than that, he often takes on this loud over confident macho attitude to compensate for his babyness. Just sitting here writing about it I can feel the anger within me. If he could only see how ridiculous his macho stuff is. I suspect he thinks I should be impressed, well I’ve certainly got over that. And another thing when we go to bed I have no idea whether it will be with a man who will claim me as his wife or a little boy who wants me as his Mummy. It’s the uncertainty of it all that is so hard. Emotionally I don’t know where I am with him and it has to change.
The thing is it’s not as though we haven’t tried to put in boundaries. We have experimented with little boy free days, little boy free bed times and so on, but sooner or later I find that he has sneaked teddy into the bed or I find his numnum under his pillow or I discover he is wearing nappies when it’s meant to be a little boy free day. He tearfully asks my forgiveness and the more cross I am with him the more rejected he feels and the more he wants a mummy’s comfort. Even when he manages to keep to the boundaries we agreed on I’m aware of a mute little boy longing for a maternal word of comfort from me. It’s because I know the emotional abuse he suffered at the hands of his biological mother I end up reaching out to him and giving him what he emotionally needs, which he then responds to with puppy like gratitude.
In the end I can see only two solutions. I leave him, and I have at times given serious thought to that or I take charge and insist that wherever he is with me he will be my two- year old. No more switching to being a grown up when he feels like he wants to assert his authority. If he can’t stop being a little boy and wanting me to be his Mummy then it will be better all round if I insist that his relationship with me is permanently that of a little boy. It is this later solution that I have decided on in order to get the consistency and predictability I need in our relationship. The fact is I really love him. He is kind, intelligent, a good provider, and in his own way he is loving and cherishing me with all his heart. Its just that his heart love for me is primarily that of a little boy for his Mummy and I no longer believe he has the capacity to change that.
Implementing this will be a challenge, but if I succeed I will have saved our relationship and given us both a measure of peace and security.I anticipate the initial response from Joe will be one of delight. The crunch will come when he realizes that his authority and status as husband has gone, that he has traded the freedom and power of being a man for the security and comfort of being loved as a baby.
It will mean getting him to a point were he willingly surrenders to me and is maintained in that place of submission by a little boy mind- set which I will help mold. Joe must come to see an adult relationship with me as a distant land permanently out of reach and in the end but a vague memory. To achieve this he will not only need to see that this is the only way our relationship can be saved but given his emotional needs entirely appropriate for him, and given his inability to consistently relate to me as an adult in any intimate way, entirely just. The truth I have come to admit to myself is that I get more enjoyment from his little boy loving than I do from his fumbling attempts as an adult.
I feel encouraged that after months of indecision I have a direction to work on.
15th May
My optimism of last week has evaporated a little. What if I’m too successful? What if Joe regresses to such an extent that he cannot function properly at work? Perhaps I am worrying unnecessarily but I will need to make sure that his little boy mindset is restricted to our relationship and does not seep over to his relationships outside the home. At present, even in our relationship Joe sees himself as a man who just sometimes likes to pretend that he is a two year old boy with me as his Mummy. Will he be able to cope when he surrenders that position and sees himself PRIMARILY as a little boy, with me as his full time Mummy and he just pretends that he is a man, when at work or in social situations with others. This will be a fundamental shift in his perception. Will he still be able to cope in the big world as an adult? Its something I will have to watch out for, I just hope that both he and I have the skill to deal with it.
The other thing that is worrying me is that we both want children, admittedly me more than Joe. The further I get a along the road to transforming Joe into my permanent little boy the more inappropriate sex will be. The loss of the sexual act does not worry me too much. To be quite honest Joe is not well endowed in that department, a combination I think of the small size of his penis and his inadequate sex technique. Sex with Joe has always been only mildly exciting at best and in recent times just painful. It became painful when Joe began to have difficulties achieving a climax, the more he humped the more sore I got and the less confident he became which made him just hump more in a frenzy of effort. About eighteen months ago during one of those so called love making sessions I intuitively started to pat him on his back with one hand as if I was burping a baby while positioning my other hand on the back of his head as you would support a new born infant. The response from Joe was an almost immediate climax and ever since I have been able to bring up Joes little milkies to squirting point using what I have come to think of as the baby burping method and if that doesn’t say something about his subconscious need to be treated like a baby I don’t know what does!
It is however the result of sex I want. I want a child, not just an adult baby like Joe will be. I want a birthed child of my own. I am confident I can look after them both and I know Joe would enjoy some milk coming from those breasts he so loves to nurse from. Perhaps we might get lucky in the next few months but we have been trying for five years without success.
17th May
My growing sense of loneliness crystallized for me tonight and I knew I needed to have a friend I could share this journey with. My diary though helpful is no longer enough. This is a big decision as up until this point I have told nobody about Joe being an adult baby. In the end I rang Sue my dearest and closest friend. I know Joe would be terrified if he knew, but I think it’s for the best and its not something a little boy needs to know about.
Sue now lives at the other end of the country but we keep in touch at least twice a week by phone and emails. I first met Sue when we were both doing our training as preschool teachers at the university. She was a few years older than the rest of the class, and she intrigued me. She had already completed a liberal arts degree and then spent the next six years traveling the world working in a wide variety of jobs, before coming home and deciding to do her training as a pre- schoolteacher. I was immediately attracted to her, she was witty, with a faintly cynical approach to life which while I couldn’t match I greatly admired. While I would sit in lectures never dreaming to challenge what the lecturer said she was not afraid to do so and would often interrupt to question a point or bring a feminist view point to the topic. Although courteous she was ruthless if she thought a man was treating a woman in a sexist way. Everyone knew that the little children in her class would get the best of feminist education. Joe and Sue have meet on a number of occasions, the first was when I invited Joe to a class social event. We were not engaged at the time but our relationship was serious. Sue and Joe got on well enough until Joe made the mistake of using sexist language, which Sue immediately challenged. It was a rocky start but subsequent meetings together have gone well partly because Joe is very careful around her and partly I suspect because Sue has gone out of her way to be nice to him for my sake.
Sue’s response to my phone call was superb. She listened as I poured out my heart and tried to explain the nature of infantilism and how it affected Joe and our relationship. She asked good questions, gave no advice but promised to get back to me once she had read the web sites on infantilism that I gave her.
18th May
Another phone conversation with Sue. She found the web sites on infantilism fascinating. Seemed to be pleased in a satisfied kind of way that so many men wanted to be treated like babies. Made me laugh with some of her comments about sissy babies. It felt good to have a laugh. Somehow it brought a lightness to the situation with Joe that I had not experienced before. Her easy acceptance of Joe as an adult baby pleased me. I had been concerned that it might make her contemptuous of Joe as she can be very critical of men, on the other hand she has a wonderful kindness and warmth toward little children and it was that I was banking on as well as her support of me. She asked me questions about Joe’s childhood and I promised to email her a short history.
19th May. Copy of email.
Hi Sue,
Here is a bit about Joe’s background that I promised.
Joe’s parents are working class folk, with middle class aspirations for their kids. Hard working pleasant people. Joe has one older sister born sixteen months before Joe. His birth was difficult in fact it was a wonder either mother or baby lived. His mother’s womb burst, she was rushed to hospital and Joe was delivered by cesarean. Pronounced dead, Joe was laid to one side as they worked on saving his mother. It was some minutes later that a nurse noticed that Joe was in fact still alive. It was to be another four days before mother and baby were united.
I believe that the foundation for Joe’s deep sense of abandonment were laid down at that point. His little body would have been flooded by the panic that his mother felt when her womb burst and the subsequent four days with no contact with his mother would have reinforced his anxiety. For Joes mother her subsequent physical and mental health issues meant that Joe would continue to experience through most of his young childhood times where his mother was inaccessible to him either physically or emotionally. A pattern was established of great emotional closeness followed by separation, a pattern that left Joe desperate to please her and deeply afraid that he would lose her again. He loved her deeply but was afraid of her too.
Her physical discipline of him could at times be unexpected and extreme. For example a sudden smack under the chin with her open hand if she caught him with his mouth open that would leave his tongue bleeding. At other times Joe would be sent to the bathroom where he would have to wait until she came with the leather strap to smack his legs or sometime wait an hour or more until his Dad came home so that he would strap him.
It was the emotional abuse however that has left its deepest wounds on Joe. On a number of occasions his mother would for some minor childhood mistake threaten to send him to a social welfare home for naughty boys. On a number of occasions she would carry this threat though to the point of getting down a suitcase making him help her pack it with his clothes then sit him on his bed next to his packed case Teddy in his arms waiting for the lady for the social welfare home to come and pick him up. He would be sobbing and begging not to be sent away promising her that he would be a good boy for Mummy. She should be crying and saying that she loved him but she had to send him away. Always at the last moment he was given a second chance. From the age of three to five these scenarios were played out on several occasions and he was terrified by them.
Joe has told me that the big lesson he carried with him from those experiences
was that even if your Mummy loved you, and he never doubted that she did, she could still abandon him. He has never felt completely safe with his mother but has never stopped loving her, and amazingly, never blames her.
By the age of six, he had developed an anxiety based speech impediment. In a world that seemed overwhelming and confusing he intuitively came up with the idea that if he could once more be just a little baby, loved and cared for with no expectations on him other than just to be, he could then achieve the emotional safety he so needed. The longing that formed that idea and the idea itself has never left him. His parents sent him to speech therapy and by the age of eleven he had conquered that disability, but not the longing to return to a mothers arms as a baby. As he grew into adolescence his mother was no longer the object of his longings, part of him was separating from her, but subconsciously he was looking for the loving gaze of a mother in every girl he met.
His schooling was hugely disrupted by the numerous shifts of his family, six schools by the time he was twelve, but he emerged at age of twenty two a University graduate, but with a great emotional hole in his life that he did not know how to heal and over which he felt deep shame. He continued to seek relief by wearing nappies and retreating into an imaginary world of maternal nurturing, where he would imagine himself to be a two- year old toddler cared for by a kind and nurturing Mummy.
I met him, as you know, while we were both at University, he doing post- graduate studies. I fell in love with him and he found in me the kindness that gave him the courage to share his story. Rather than repel me his plight captured me. To my love for him was added a sense of mission. I began to mother him, aided I might add by my studies in child development which were a big part of my teacher training. Those studies provided me with much of the intellectual tools to understand this man who was in some deep ways emotionally stuck in toddlerhood.
In the last seven years I have bought to his life deep joy, even ecstasy and a measure of peace and security that was not there before. I feel good about that but I now know that I will never fundamentally be able to change him. His longing to be treated by me as my little boy is hard wired in. I have come to accept that’s the way he is, but he still feels deeply conflicted and ashamed of those needs while at the same time delighting in them.
So there he is, a sort of hybrid man, a Peter Pan with his Wendy, a lost little boy who longs to be a nappy wearing toddler again, a hurt little boy trapped in a mans body. At the same time he does not want to completely give up his adult life, he enjoys his adult friends and does well in his work. The mindset of returning to the nursery where he is cared for by a strong and protective mummy who will change him, nurse him, praise him, train him, discipline him and play with him is however an enduring desire, and one he lives with every day.
22nd May
Today I received an email reply from Sue, Which I have posted below. I’m still digesting her responses, she certainly provides me with a different perspective.
Hi Wendy,
Will ring you Tuesday night, but here are some of my thoughts in response to your email on Joe’s childhood background.
I can see how your heart was captured by Joe’s plight, as I was, but my heart went out to Joe’s Mother even more. It certainly reinforced my preference for not putting myself through the "wonders of pregnancy! Here she was, nearly killed by her own precious son, then when barely conscious four days later, presented with a baby to look after with the joyful prospect of going home to an sixteen month old toddler and a husband who was probably at work all day! I’ve got to say Wendy, if you want a baby, getting one by regressing your husband who is half there anyway, seems a much easier and safer option!
My observations is that men are good at conceiving children but frequently poor at helping look after them leaving the woman to do that work. I suspect this was the case here. Where was her husband when she needed a break? The brief mention the father does get is as a disciplinarian. The father as a nurture figure seems entirely absent. In the bigger picture Joe and his mother are victims of a patriarchal society. Overwhelmingly it is women who pay the price for this and in my view it is almost poetic justice that occasionally males also become victims of their own patriarchal system.
Joe’s inner conflict as well as his oppressive macho attitude come from the same set of patriarchal attitudes which tell him that he should be the leader, he should be in control, and that it is his God given right to be head of the home. No wonder Joe feels conflicted about his need to be babied! The truth he is too terrified to fully embrace is that he still needs a woman to care for him and submit to. Deep down he knows he is not their equal and so cannot compete with them. He avoids the challenge of doing so by either becoming a little baby again, or by covering up his inadequacy through his macho behavior. The simple reality he has demonstrated again and again is when he tries to be in charge, his insecurities lead him to either over compensating by being macho, or the poor little mite feels so overwhelmed that he has to run to you and be put in a nappy and plastic panties to feel safe and secure again.
The thing is, he is trapped and he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to save himself. In the light of his helplessness, the only compassionate thing you can do for him, is to take charge and make him your permanent little boy so he can experience safe maternal care. It is there; back in the nursery, he will find his sense of well- being and safety. That way you also will get the predictability in your relationship with him that is only right and reasonable. You will of course need to break his male pride so he can at last be free to own the truth that his proper place is not as your husband but as your baby. This could be fun! Correctly trained little boy are very adorable. I am looking forward to standing along side you in this important project.
Love Sue
24th May
Had a great talk tonight with Sue re her email. Told her I thought she was being a bit unsympathetic to Joe and men in general with some of her comments. By the end of the conversation I could see that she genuinely felt men as well as women would be happier if women were in charge. Sue maintains that once free from a patriarchal mindset, men would find their natural place happily under the authority of women and the world would be a much better place for it. She suspects that there are many men like Joe who are seeking a women who will look at them through a loving mothers eyes and redeem them. More than ever before that is what I believe I can do for Joe.
29th May
Yesterday was Joe’s Thirty fourth birthday a typical low key affair, but this morning we celebrated his birthday as a two year old. I have been doing this for the last three years and I must say it is much more fun than celebrating his adult birthday. I allow him to choose a cake design from a book of children’s birthday cakes. This year he chose a cake designed in the shape of a truck with lollies that filled up the back. We had balloons, a birthday card appropriate for a two year old, plus on display were the ones from the last three years. The interesting thing for me is how real all this is for him, I can’t quite get my head around it. On the one hand he knows he is role playing but on the other hand the emotions he feels seem typical to me of what a two year old would feel, he does not seem to be role playing those at all, they are so very genuine. I played a game of hide and seek with him and the excitement he experienced and the anxiety that he just may not be found are so evident. It’s literally a nappy wetting experience for him! He loved playing pin the tail on the donkey and I organized a treasure hunt of all his favourite little boy things, his teddy, numnum, babies bottle, nappy pins etc. He loved it. I gave him a toy truck as a present that really delighted him and he spent a good thirty minutes or so playing with it completely engrossed and happy in his little boy world. If his friends or work mates could have seen him they would not have believed their eyes! Here is a grown man, with a post graduate degree, who holds a well paid responsible job in a marketing firm dressed in a nappy and plastic panties with a babies bib around his neck contentedly playing with toddler toys, and ABC blocks!
30th May
Talked to Sue on the phone tonight. Told her all about Joey’s birthday party. I think she really enjoyed hearing about all the details, she certainly asked lots of questions. I asked Sue why she seemed so accepting of Joe as a two year old, and commented on how unsurprised she seemed. Was it anything about him that she noticed on the occasions she had met him over the years? She said she didn’t think so but would give it some thought.
E mailed Sue a photo I took of Joey dressed in his nappies and plastic panties playing on the floor with his toys. He was so involved with his play that he was completely unaware of the camera.
3rd June
Email from Sue.
Thanks heaps for the photo, of your little boy, he looks so totally involved in his play doesn’t he, and yes of course I won’t show anyone else.
You asked me why I was so accepting and not surprised by your revelations about Joe, and I’ve given it a lot of thought.
Can’t honestly say it was anything about Joe personally that made me not surprised. But when you told me about Joe being an adult baby and on reading about adult babies on the web sites you gave me, it seemed to me the most unsurprising thing in the world. Ever since I was a very little girl I felt that females should be in charge of males, that this should be the natural order of things. Its not fundamentally a matter of being superior its just that in so many ways women are better equipped psychologically to be in charge. When I was at University I had a chance to study matriarchal societies as well as learn to critique our own society from a feminist perspective. The destructiveness of patriarchal societies is over whelming. Violence, crime, drug abuse, child abuse in fact almost any negative statistic you can name is at least ninety percent male. They are the gender which produce the countless weight of misery and heart ache in this world. Why? It’s because males are clearly emotionally and relationally the weaker sex and yet are given the power, it’s a fatal combination. Deep down men know that physical strength apart they are the weaker sex, they may not admit it, but at some level know it to be true. That is why they are afraid of us. They too often make up for their weakness by using physical strength on us. If they can be freed from the burden of pretending that they have to be in charge and surrender to the truth that they need a woman’s care and guidance I believe they will find a place of contentment to live their life. I’ve come to believe most of the men I know would benefit a lot from being put back in nappies and returned to the nursery with a kind but strict Mummy
Perhaps the A.B. community intuitively understand this. The sad thing is so many of them have been socialized to despise that truth, so they end up despising themselves for holding it. What is equally sad is so many women also have been brainwashed and do not know how to use their natural feminine strength to take control of men and socialize them into their proper submissive role.
So I’m with you sister!
Love, Sue
7th June
My birthday today! Got two presents, one from Joe, a lovely scarf, and one from little Joey, a card. It was really sweet, clearly Joey had laboured long and hard over this card. On the front he had drawn a pretty picture of me, a stick figure in a bright dress and a happy smile. Inside the card in childish handwriting he had written, “I love you Mummy, you’re the best Mummy in all the world.” Followed by lots of kisses and hug symbols, and I know that this was the present he thought most about and which he had invested the most emotional energy into.
Sue of course rang me for my birthday and we had a good talk about little Joey as I now call him when chatting to her. I sometimes find myself talking about him like a proud mother as more and more I make the mental transition from seeing us primarily as husband and wife to seeing him primarily as my little boy and me his Mummy. Joe on the other hand still constantly swings from man to little boy and back again. At least I have another women to share all this with. I no longer feel alone and Sue is so encouraging.
9th June
Both Sue and I have a school holiday coming up. I have been talking to her about coming to stay for a couple of weeks. Joe thinks that two weeks is far too long and we had a big argument about it last night. I pointed out that he would be at work for most of the time, and I needed something to look forward to during my holidays. Although he hasn’t yet come out and said it, I am sure he is thinking that with Sue in the house his freedom to be my little boy will almost be non- existent.
14th June
Sue and I have talked some more about her coming to stay. I was honest with her about Joe’s less than enthusiastic response. Her suggestion was that I tell Joe that she knows that he is an adult Baby and Aunty Sue completely accepts him and that as a preschool teacher is used to looking after little ones. Sue thinks that no little boy would be able to resist the idea of two women looking after him!
I am not at all sure, I think Joe is going to feel very threatened and betrayed if he found out that I had talked to Sue about him being a little boy and especially that he enjoys wearing nappies. This is going to take some planning.
16th June
Had this really significant conversation last night with Joe or rather with baby Joey which I will relate verbatim as best as I can.
Over the last few days Joe and I had another argument about Sue coming to stay during which he admitted that he didn’t want Sue to come because he couldn’t be a little boy while she was in the house. I decided then that I would take the risk and tell him that Sue already knew that he was a little boy and sometimes wore
nappies around the home so he had no need to hide that from her.
What made this conversation so successful was that I before I broached the subject with Joe I spent time getting him firmly into his little boy mindset which is a naturally submissive one, so the whole conversation was with Joey not Joe.
I began as soon as he stepped in the door from work. I record the conversation as faithfully as I can given the passage of a couple of hours.
‘Hello sweetheart has my little boy had a big day?" He responded straight away hungry for my mother love.
“Yeth Mummy”
“Would my little boy like a nice warm bottle of milk?“Joey nodded
“Well only little boys have a babies bottle. Are you a little boy?” I asked
“Yeth Mummy I’m a little boy”
“Are you sure? Little boys wear nappies and plastic panties” I said doubtfully, “Have you being playing dress up with ‘grown up’ clothes?”
Joey nodded
“Well I can’t give a babies bottle to some one dressed like a grown up can I?” I teased
“I was just playing pretend Mummy!”
“Well no more pretend games.” I said firmly.” Do you want Mummy to put you back in your real clothes?”
“Yeth Mummy”
“And can you tell Mummy what they are?”
“Um, my nappy, and plastic panties and my tee shirt with teddy on it”
“Clever boy! Come on, hold Mummies hand, that’s a good little boy, of to the bedroom we go. Lie down on the bed now, lets get you into your proper clothes, shall we?”
“Yeth Mummy”
I took of his shoes and sox, making him giggle as I gave his toes a little tickle, then undid his belt and pulled his trousers down and hung them up. Turning back to Joey, I gave a little frown as I gazed down at the yellow stain on his undies.
"What’s this?’ I said pointing to the stain.
Joey looked embarrassed and mumbled, “I had a little accident”
“But I thought you were pretending to be a big boy?”
“Even big boys have accidents Mummy”
“Not every day they don’t!” I said with some severity.
Joey looked anxious and ashamed, " I didn’t mean to Mummy"
“It’s all right sweetheart Mummy’s not cross, she understand you are just a little boy and can’t help it”
I could see Joey battling between gratitude at my acceptance of him and the remnants of his male pride wanting to react to the condescension he heard in my voice. After a moments silence during which I removed his stained panties, he mumbled rather defiantly," I am a grown up also Mummy" I just smiled and said in the same condescending voice, " That’s nice sweetheart, you show Mummy what a big boy you are by keeping nice and still while Mummy puts your nappy on you, can you do that for Mummy?" Joey gave a happy sigh of submission and said “Yeth Mummy.”
I made no comment on his now erect penis as I drizzled some baby oil over it, baby talking to him all the time about not wanting my “little widdle boy to get nappy rash,” and “What a cute little boy.” as I gently rubbed the oil in and although I stopped before he had a climax, he was in an absolute haze of delight.
He lifted up his hips as I slipped the thick cloth nappy under him, pulling it up firmly between his legs holding it in place as I secured it with two very cute yellow ducky nappy pins.
“Feet through tunnels sweetheart,” I said as I threaded his plastic panties over his feet and up his legs making sure all of his nappy was tucked inside. “There we are, that feels better doesn’t it?
“Yeth Mummy.”
What do you say to Mummy?”
Joe looked up at me with huge shining eyes and whispered “Th thank you Mummy”
If gratitude is the first form of love, then I have it by the ocean full!
I took his shirt of and rubbed some Johnston’s baby powder on his tummy. Scent is so wonderfully evocative of memory.
I pulled the bed spread over him while I went through to the kitchen to heat the baby bottle, returning a few minutes later to tuck him down beside me with his head resting on my breast as I put the teat in his mouth and began to nurse him. Instinctively I made sure that he could see my face and I could feel Joey drawing sustenance from my quiet loving gaze as he suckled the warm milk from the babies bottle.
I have to say that at that moment I felt ambushed once again by my own emotions. There is something very powerful about the absolute trust that my little Joey gives me, the way he abandons himself to my care. I am beginning to understand there is part of me that longs for a man not driven by Eros, but who would never the less see me as a prize of the greatest value and who would never look at another woman, and I realized I had that in Joey. Likewise it came as something of a revelation that my own sense of womanliness was not just about sex but mothering. As I looked down at Joey, holding him in my nursing arms, I could feel him relax and knew that the harbour he had once lost he had now regained in my arms. I was swept again by a tremendous protectiveness for this person who had entrusted himself to my care and who I was molding and shaping. It may sound ridiculous but I felt Madonna like, totally good and generous, even beautiful, and yes powerful. I think this was the moment when I deeply acknowledged to myself that I truly wanted him as my baby, that I preferred it that way, that I was really looking forward to all the mothering tasks that hopefully lay ahead of me. I knew he needed me to be, his forever Mummy, which meant of course, he needed to become, my forever little boy. I slipped a little prayer heavenward for strength and wisdom to guide me.
After a few minutes I said very gently and quietly to Joey. “Sweetheart Mummy got something very important to say to her little boy, can you listen carefully to Mummy while she nurses you?” Joey nodded.
“You know that Mummy loves you very much don’t you?” Joey nodded again.
“Well some weeks ago Mummy made a decision to talk to someone about her little boy. Mummy was getting desperate to talk to someone and keeping things a secret was not good for Mummy. Mummy needed a friend to talk to so I could look after my little boy even better so I talked to Aunty Sue. She is someone I can trust, someone who wouldn’t hurt you in any way and she can keep a secret. I know that Aunty Sue is not married nor does she have any children but she deals with little children all day long in her job and has done lots of babysitting. Aunty Sue understands little boys and how to care for them. It’s hard for little boys to understand what a Mummy needs and that’s all right, because Mummy’s don’t expect little boy’s to understand grown up things. All you need to know is that Mummy loves you and that you are quite safe and she would never do anything to hurt you. Do you understand that?”
Joey gave a little nod, but I could tell from his increased sucking that he was anxious.
" Aunty Sue thinks you are a little cutie and when she comes to stay she will help Mummy look after you. Do you think you can trust Mummy on this?"
Joey gave a little nod. Then he asked, in a little voice, “What if she is not kind to me?”
“I am sure that won’t happen, but if she is not kind to you, you can tell Mummy and she will talk to Aunty Sue so that it never happens again. All right little one?”
Joey nodded.
“Good boy, Mummy is very proud of her little boy, and if you have any worries you just come and tell Mummy, all right sweetie?”
Joey nodded again.
This conversation I had with Joey has been really pivotal for me. It has increased my confidence that once I get Joey into little boy mode I have the maternal skill to get him to agree with what I want. Not only that, but what started out as a way of reducing the unpredictability in our relationship is turning out to be really enjoyable. What I need to work on now, is how to keep him permanently as a little boy in his relationship to me. To do so I will need to work out a detailed plan. The other problem sitting there in the back of my mind is the sex question. As Joey becomes more and more my little boy sex with him will progressively becomes more inappropriate and I still want to birth my own child.
18th June
I have just got of the phone to Sue, she was delighted that I had managed to use what she called my feminine strength to overcome Joes male ego problems about her coming to stay. We discussed in depth little Joey’s responses. Sue is so supportive and she makes me laugh. She agreed with me that one victory does not win a war. That the big challenge will be, getting Joe to relate to me as mummy’s little boy all the time. This will need to be done by a mixture of seduction, training, educating, and discipline. It means helping Joe see that having a relationship with me as a husband or even as a man, is frankly ridiculous for him, that he is just not mature enough, and that we are both going to be far happier once he accepts that. This will not be easy, he has over 30 years of being socialized as a man and life will continue to throw up many invitations for him to step back into the role as husband and man and some of those invitations will be very attractive because of the privilege they entail. My hope is that as the transformation takes place from Hubby to Bubby he will be less and less aware of those invitations as having anything to do with him. In the end he will come to a point of no return. He will see that there is no way back to being my man and the days of being my little boy his only future.
Over the next few days Sue and I are going to work on developing some principles that will guide us in relating to Joe.
19th June
Last night when I should have been asleep I was turning over the problem of how to get impregnated by Joe before I turn our relationship completely into a toddler and Mummy one. The idea came to me that if I could get some of Joe’s sperm stored in a sperm bank then it would be available for me whenever I wanted it.
I excitedly rang Sue this morning to tell her my idea and with her usual droll humour said that it was a great solution.
26th June
I approached Joe about the sperm bank idea. He thought it was totally unnecessary. I reminded him about the car accident he had last year and that although he survived without serious injury he could have been killed and then I would have been left without a husband or a child. In the end he agreed and gave me permission to go ahead and organize it. Yipee!
Sue and I have been passing emails back and forth mapping out the ways we will relate to Joe to guide our transformation of him to our permanent baby. Making good progress
1st July
Sue and I have now come to a set of principles that will guide our relationship with Joe, she code named them our Peter Pan Principles, and there purpose is to completely and permanently infantilize Joe’s relationship with us.
They are:
1.We will focus on looking beyond the adult exterior to the little boy within Joe. We will relate exclusively to that little boy, never to the adult. When he looks into the mirror of our responses to him, all he will ever see reflected back is himself as a two year old toddler.
2.When speaking to him we will always use words a little two year old is likely to understand. If something cannot be explained that way it will not be explained and he will be told that he is too young to understand.
3.We will call him ‘Joey’ or ‘baby’ or some other term of endearment suitable for a little child, but never Joe.
4.Sue and I will have adult discussions with each other in front of Joey about cute things we have seen him do and observations about his infantile behavior and so build up a narrative which will add to his self image as a two year old.
5.Discipline will be psychological rather than physical
6.We will treat the little boy kindly and lovingly, using rewards such as star charts. Punishments such as the naughty mat or being returned to an even more infantile state will be used when necessary.
7.We will keep the little boy status of his relationship with us hidden from others as much as possible so he can continue to work and earn
8.Whenever he is in our presence he will be put into a nappy, disposables if we are in a social situation so they can remain hidden under his grown up clothes and in cloth nappies and plastics when alone with us.
9.We will allow him to pretend that he is ‘grown up’ only when at work and when other adults are with us.
10.He will be given very little responsibility for independent choice. He will be trained to ask Mummy’s permission for even basic things like turning on the TV or having something to eat
11.We will work on establishing predictable daily routines for him just as with any toddler.
12. Joey will constantly be required to verbalize that he is a little boy by the questions we ask him, so he gets used to hearing himself confess that truth.
13. An attitude of gratitude will be encouraged. He will be taught to say thank you to Mummy and Aunty Sue for treating him like a baby…
14.We will focus on enjoying him and having fun ourselves with him.
15.Trust will be established by making sure we are one hundred percent reliable on the things we make him dependent us for, e.g. changing his wet diapers, giving him food and bottle etc. We will make those things fun for him so he comes to love those baby things and look forward to them.
16.He will have no authority in household planning and decision making, he will just be expected to go along with Mummy’s plans. Any decisions he is asked to contribute to will be appropriate for a two year old.
17.The term being a “big boy” will be deliberately used as both a goal for him to strive for and praise for an action. It will be used in contexts which emphasizes his babyness, so he ends up feeling very pleased and grown up over very infantile acts. For example. “Can you show Mummy what a big boy you are by lying very still when Mummy puts your nappy on?” Or as praise, “Coming to tell Mummy all by yourself that your nappy is wet is such a big boy thing to do!” In the end we want the term "Big Boy’ to be completely recalibrated in his mind so that while he will never be allowed to grow up, he can strive to be a “big boy” for Mummy and Aunty Sue.
18.We will monitor each others actions with Joey and if differences or learning points arise for us we will speak privately with each other so we always present a united front. Being Joe’s Mummy I will have the final say in matters of parenting Joey
The following are the routines we will establish with him.
1As soon as Joey gets home from work he will be put changed out of his grown up clothes into his nappy and little boy clothes. If we are having visitors he will be put in disposables because they are not obvious under his clothes, and he will be pretending he is a grown up. At all other times he will be put in cloth nappies and plastic panties. We will make sure those changing times are happy times for him reinforcing that he is now just a little boy. Once in his nappy he will be given a bottle or a nurse from my breast.
2He will wear a bib for all meals and eat from a nursery style plate. His food will be cut up for him and he will eat with a little spoon and drink from a feeder cup or bottle, unless we have visitors
3Every evening he will have a play time with his toys and will be allowed to watch the videos we have recorded during the day for him, Thomas The Tank Engine, Blues Clues, Teletubbies etc
4If he wants to do poos he will come and tell me or Sue and we will take his nappies of and he can go to the potty like a big boy, and then he will come back to us to have his nappy put on again. He is NEVER allowed to take his nappy of himself if one of us is around.
5We will always dress him in toddler clothes around the home unless visitors are coming…
6He is not old enough to be given the responsibility of washing himself, so I will give him a bath usually on Monday Wednesday and Saturday nights and wash his little penis area when I change his nappy
7Bed time will be 8.30
8In the morning he will be nursed from my breast before he gets up and then given his breakfast. After breakfast his nappy will be taken of and he will be told to go and sit on the potty to do poos. When he is finished he will come to Mummy and I will put him in his disposable nappy ready for him to go to work. I will put in his brief case some white underpants for him to change into during the day when his nappy is wet. He will put his wet nappy in a plastic bag and bring it home in his brief case.
3rd July.
Have made contact with the sperm bank and we have an initial appointment on Wednesday.
6th July
Sue has been looking at a job up here. There is a brand new preschool opening just one suburb away from us. Here’s hoping she gets it.
10th July
Interview at sperm bank went well. They explained the contract to us and strongly advised us to allow them to do a detailed medical check just to make sure there are no fertility problems. That made sense to us and we agreed even though it would cost a bit more. First they asked lots of questions about our medical history, then Joe had to under go a detailed examination of his testicles, then he was sent to a little booth with a special condom to capture his semen. While that was happening I was under going my own examination by a really nice woman doctor. Poor Joe was away so long I thought I might have to go in there and help him. I was about to do that when he arrived back sample in hand so to speak. He was given a number of condoms to take home because apparently they need a number of samples over a few days because the sperm count can vary lot between samples. Joe will drop the samples in on his way to work in a special container they supplied us with. We have another appointment in eight days time.
18th July
Picked up Joe after work yesterday for our appointment. When we got there we were ushered straight into the Doctors room. The Doctor, a kindly looking man in his mid fifties gently explained to us both that there was no point in us proceeding as Joes sperm count was so low that he was basically infertile. He talked to us for another twenty minutes telling us that an other option was that we could use another donors semen and that they could do a good match in terms of Joes hair and eye colour, education level etc.
I was in such a state of shock that I didn’t take in much of what he was saying. It had never occurred to me that Joe was infertile I had naively assumed that if Joe was able to produce semen then we were okay, but apparently not. He gave us a pamphlet to take home explaining the donor service.
Neither of us said much as we drove home. I felt angry and I still do. I feel betrayed by Joe. I really wonder if his inability to produce sperm is caused by his deep immaturity, his desire to be a baby himself, the subconscious can have a powerful effect on the body. The truth is Joe is a sham of a man, it’s all outward appearance and no substance. Instead of wanting to claim me, possess me, and love me as his woman, he wants me to be his Mummy, to but him in a nappy, nurse him at my breast, talk to him as if he were an infant and then when he feels ashamed of his infantile behavior he comes across with his macho domineering stuff. The last straw for me was last night, without asking me, he threw the pamphlet we had been given on getting donor semen into the waste paper basket. I found it some hours later. He hadn’t even discussed it with me before he had decided that we would not go down that road because HE did not want another mans semen in my body. No thought for me, or what I want. I am more determined than ever things are going to change.
19th July
Feeling calmer today after talking with Sue and having a surprisingly good night sleep. I realize that some of my anger towards Joe may be a bit irrational after all it’s not really his fault he’s infertile. On the other hand my determination to change our relationship is stronger than ever. His action of throwing away the pamphlet on being a donor recipient without even discussing it with me, is typical male arrogance, as though my thoughts and feelings were not important Well Joe got a few lessons to learn and he is going to go back to the nursery to learn them. By the time Sue and I have finished with him he will have learnt a bit of humility and come to understand that in the nursery, women rule, and pleasing Mummy or baby sitter is the most important thing a little boy can do.
20th July
Since our visit to the clinic Joe has been acting a lot more insecure and when he is like that he gets clingy. I have not been in the mood to provide the comfort he wants and that has made him even more anxious, to the point he is under my feet all the time trying to please me. I know he feels desperate for a cuddle and a kind word. Finally tonight in bed I relented and took him in my arms and gave him a cuddle. He just broke down and sobbed, great heaving sobs, telling me he was sorry he couldn’t give me a baby saying that he was terrified I would leave him. I put him to my breast to calm him down and when he was settled, I told him to stop nursing and that I wanted to talk to him. I told him that if our relationship was to survive it had to change, that I needed a more honest relationship with him. I told him that it was harder and harder for me to see him as a real man. How could I when he’s far more interested in nursing at my breast than making love like a man? And that when he does make love he can’t even ejaculate without me patting him on the back like I was burping a baby. “Tell me why that is I demanded”, but he just shook his head and mumbled that he didn’t know. I said to him “See you can’t even be honest with me. Let me tell you why that works for you. It’s because even though your body is making love to your wife in your imagination you are a little boy being cared for by me as your Mummy. What are you imagining Joe, me changing your nappy or nursing you? It must be something like that because when I hold you like a little baby and pat your back like one you get so excited you ejaculate. That’s not making love like a man! It’s a sham Joe and now I find that your semen is useless anyway, again the appearance is there but the reality is that functionally your still a little boy, and Joe, I have given up thinking you will ever be anything else or even expecting that some day you might just grow up. I can adjust to that Joe, I really can, but what really upsets me, is for reasons better known to yourself you then change in to this egotistical macho male, which quite frankly looks more and more ridiculous the longer I live with you. I cannot, and Joe, I will not live like it any longer.”
It’s not often Joe has seen me so assertive, I could see he was afraid, but I didn’t care.
Finally after a long silence he said in a whisper “But I don’t know what to do any more”
I said, “That’s the first deeply honest thing you have said all evening so lets start from there shall we?” Joe nodded.
“Tell me another honest thing Joe, because this is choosing time for you. What do you want most? Do you want me to be your Mummy or your wife, because I am not prepared to be both any more.
Joe looked desperate " I can’t stop being a little boy I have tried, you know that” "So what does that mean Joe, that you want me as your Mummy more than a wife?
Joe nodded shame faced.
I looked at him with gentle eyes. “I knew that sweetheart, but you needed to acknowledge it.”
“But I don’t want to be a little boy all the time.” He said rather sulkily.
“I know it will take some time for you to adjust sweetheart, but Mummy and Aunty Sue will help you. Mummy’s going to be in charge now, and she knows what to do. You’re going to be quite safe as long as you obey Mummy.”
Over the next hour he asked me a number of questions and I reassured him he was allowed to play grown ups when others were around and of course when he was at work, but when he is just with me [or Sue ]just Sue he will be treated like a two year old baby.
Poor Joe, He had been so anxious during our conversation that he wet in his pajama pants, which I did not discover until the morning when I put him in a nappy and sent him of to work. He had lain there all night in wet pants and with a wet patch on the sheet and he was too ashamed to tell me about it. Well I have plans that will solve that problem for him!
My plan at long last is underway. Perhaps I needed the energy my anger gave me.
22nd July
I rang Sue tonight and she commiserated with me about Joe’s infertility and complimented me on how well I had handled the conversation with Joe. She rightly pointed out that although a good start had been made we needed to take full advantage of what she felt would be a ‘honeymoon’ period which may only last a few weeks. Then like all little boys he was bound to push the boundaries especially as the implications of what he was losing sunk in, and he tried to assert again some adult authority in the home. In the end for his sake and mine those attempts need to be not just defeated but crushed in such a manner that he never has the confidence to go there again. The rest of the phone conversation was spent discussing how we would extract maximum benefit from Sue’s stay with us. It’s just three days away now.
23rd July.
I’m so grateful for the guidelines Sue and I have worked out for training Joey. The next few days are going to be very important in establishing boundaries and routines for my little boy. I keep discovering practical things I need to attend to now I have a full time baby. The other day for example when I sent him of to work in his disposable nappy I forgot to put in his brief case a plastic bag for his wet nappy. When he took it of mid morning and put on his big boy undies [those I had put in his brief case!] he felt he had nowhere safe to put his wet nappy. In the end he stuffed them at the back of his desk draw and at lunchtime went for a walk to a near by park and put them in a bin.
He has never worn nappies to work before and so the first couple of days he was worried that someone might notice. Building up his confidence so that he knows he can safely wear his nappies anywhere as long as he doesn’t over wet them, is one of the little developmental task ahead of him. I need to be careful that I pace things at a level that little Joey can handle.
When he arrived home from work on that first night, he was really stressed. When he come in the door I said “How’s Mummies little boy” and opened up my arms. He came immediately and snuggled his head under my chin, [one of the many advantages of me being so much taller than him] and as I put my arms around him and began to pat him on the back in a motherly and way he burst into tears. I immediately thought that something terrible had happened at work but it was just the tension of him not knowing what to do with his wet nappy and that someone might have discovered it before he had time to dispose of it. I led him to the bedroom changed him out of what I refer to his ’ pretending clothes’ and put him in his nappy, plastic panties and nursery print Tee shirt. I bought him a bottle of warm milk and as I nursed him I gently reassured that it won’t be long before he feels as relaxed in his nappy at work as he does at home. I then tucked him up with his teddy and told him he could have a little nap before dinner. When I checked back on him twenty minutes later he was fast asleep. The poor darling was just exhausted. I think the last twenty-four hours have been a big shock for the little chap.
24th July
Last night Joe tried to initiate sex when we got to bed. It was his usual style, without saying anything he slipped his hand between my legs to begin foreplay. I immediately gave his hand a smack and removed it. Much to my annoyance two minutes later it was back there again. Perhaps I should have expected something like this, some attempt to reassert his adult role in my life. I knew immediately that I would have to deal with this decisively so he never tries this again, other wise I will always be fighting him every time he gets horney. I also knew that it is Joe the adult not Joey the little boy I would need to address this time.
I removed Joe’s hand again saying very firmly, “No Joe”
He looked at me in an injured indignant kind of way and said. “But I thought you liked sex”
I just laughed, “Of course I like sex, but I like sex with a man, and the truth is Joe you have never been man enough to please me”
“That’s ridiculous, you have a climax every time” he said defensively.
“Joe the number of times I have climaxed with you over the last seven years would be less than ten. I had to fake those climaxes to protect your precious male ego. It’s time for a lot more honesty in our relationship Joe, I am sick of pretending. The fact is your penis is so small I can hardly feel you inside me. When my youngest brother was ten I saw him in the shower, I got a good look, and Joe I would say your penis is about normal for a ten tear old kid. Surely you must know that you’ve got a small penis?”
“Yes but I thought…”
"You thought size doesn’t matter, but it does Joe, and not only have you got a little kids size penis but your got no sperm in your semen, so there is not much point in having sex with you is there. There is no pleasure and no gain, and another thing, what did I tell you the other day about taking the nappy of?
“I’m not allowed to do that if you are there.” Said Joe
“Correct and I’m not about to take your nappy of for any other reason than it’s wet, and even then you will then be put straight back into another nappy. Is that clear? "
“But what about me?” Joe was blinking back tears, his voice was getting petulant.
I smiled at him, “It’s not uncommon for little boys to play with themselves, and that’s fine by me. From now on the only proper place for your little milkies to go is in your nappy, I certainly don’t want it, it’s of no interest to me any more after all it’s not like a real mans semen is it? But its not all bad news Joe because you are good at something’s, tell me what your good at Joe?” I said in a condescending voice.
“What do you mean ?” said Joe
“You know exactly what I mean,” I paused, Joe was starting to sniff back his tears like a small kid, I went on patiently. “Let me help you Joe, you’re not good at making love to me like a man, but what are you good at?” Joe was silent again.
“I’ll give you a clue Joe, you do it most nights when you come to bed and most mornings when you wake up.” I prompted. “Tell me Joe, big loud voice, I want to hear you say what your good at. " I insisted.
Joe finally sobbed,” I’m good at nursing from your breast "
“That’s right Joe, and what aren’t you good at? Remember, I’ve just told you.”
“I’m not good at making love to you like a man” Joe blubbered.
“That’s right Joe, you needed to hear your self say those things because they are true, aren’t they?”
Joe nodded.
“Now tell me what else your good at Joe?”
“I’m good at coming to Mummy for cuddles and I like giving you hugs and kisses.”
“That’s right Joe. Its good to be telling the truth at last isn’t it?”
Joe gave an uncertain nod.
“So,” I said brightly, “the good news is from now on you are will be doing what your good at which is being a little boy, You won’t have to bother about all that man stuff that your just not mature enough to do.” I said condescendingly. “You have had seven years of married life to prove your manhood to me Joe and you have failed. I’m not giving you any more time. In my eyes you are no longer a man, let alone a husband. I realize I’ve had longer to get used to that idea than you, so I understand if things are a little confusing for you as you get used to the new reality, but Mummy will explain things to you so you understand, like I’m doing now. And if at times you get a little confused as to what you are, all you have to do is look down to where your little baby penis is safely tucked into your nappy, because that’s the only warm and wet place it will be going from now on.”
I pulled the bed covers back and commanded Joe to look down.” “What do you see?”
"Plastic panties " said Joe
"And what are these I said as I pulled the waist band of his panties out from his waist. So he could clearly see inside.
“My nappy” said Joe,
“And can you see your cute little ducky nappy pins too?” I said.
Joe nodded. “Well when you get a bit confused and need to remind yourself of what you are, just look down.”
“Now” I said briskly, “can you show Mummy what a clever little boy you are and how nicely you can nurse from Mummy?” I slipped my breast out from my white silk lace nightie and cupping my hand under it I lifted it up for him. He hesitated for a moment before he bowed his head so his mouth could find my nipple and with a sigh snuggled in. I patted his back and gave his forehead a few little kisses and whispered to him "That feels better doesn’t darling, this
