All throughout my life, I’ve had difficulty coming to grips with who I am as an individual, but the ONE thing that was just so perfectly easy and natural to me was being into ageplay. It just seemed…right for me, I dunno how to explain it, but it was a fairly intrinsic part of who I was, even as early as six years old.
But lately…I dunno.
For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel real, legitimate shame and disgust with my ABDL side. I haven’t been too fond of my body or who I am in other aspects for quite a while but my little side was always the one thing that worked, it helped me cope and deal with my stress, it helped relax me, it made me feel good about myself.
I’ve come out to everybody about my being into ageplay. I literally don’t have a single friend who doesn’t know, and my entire family knows as well.
Recently I had a phone call with my grandmother, first one in six months after I flipped out on her. I’m not proud of what I said to her but I stand by it nonetheless because it needed to be said. We talked and things seemed to be going fine. She was telling me all these fantastic things about my cousin’s son’s 2nd birthday and a wonderful thanksgiving dinner and retirement and my brother’s wife being in a professional orchestra playing the piccolo. I tried to engage her, I told her how wonderful those things were. I told her that I always wanted to learn the violin, and I could just tell from her “oooh I see” that it was just a smile and nod.
Then I told her about my engagement. I told her that I’m in love with this beautiful, wonderful girl who makes me so frigging happy and I really think she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. BEFORE I even told her about Australia, before anything like that, I told her this and she just responded “oh that’s nice.”
This hurt…a lot. It showed me that my grandmother just didn’t care, but then I got to thinking about it and looked deeper into what she said. I’ve been desperate for a partner, a love life that incorporates my ageplay for so long now and I’ve meticulously and surreptitiously looked for a partner willing to cater specifically to that aspect of my life. Anything else is bonus but that alone was what I felt I needed.
Granted, Miranda and I have a fantastic relationship. Liking all the same things, nearly identical musical tastes, both of us are writers and artists, she study’s psychology and I’m quite fascinated by it, she’s a switch and mostly on the dom/mommy side and I’m a sub. Hell we even get along on an empathic level, which is rare for even the most solidly grounded relationships.
But I wonder if I’m letting my ageplay consume me. I see so many people doing important and groundbreaking things with their lives. And many many more doing at least relevant and significant things. My brother is only seven years older than me and has a masters in English, my half-sister is a month younger than me and has her bachelors. I even see some of my fellow ageplayers doing cool things with their lives like Pastel-Hime making her beautiful artwork and my future wife on a path to become a professional psychologist.
Meanwhile, I sit here with my sickeningly cute things, and the more and more I think about it, the more disgusted I am with myself at what I’ve become. I’ve developed a codependent relationship with my own hedonistic desires, I don’t just enjoy ageplay, I need it. And I think that says a lot about me and who I am, and not in a good way.
I often wonder why I need it, why I can’t just be like everyone else, why all these people get to do these important, amazing things and yet I’m such an obsessive and an agoraphobe that going out to get my mail for the day is noteworthy, and spending time at a new friends house is extraordinary. It makes me feel…defective.
I have zero income, zero independence, and am disabled enough that I’m not legally allowed to drive a car and am strongly discouraged from getting a job by my therapist and instead she’s helping me get disability which isn’t guaranteed…
I have a grand total of three friends in the immediate area that I can only sometimes be with. One set of friends are some ex’s of mine who have since become fairly good friends despite all that’s happened between the three of us, and the other I just recently met and is someone whom I really like and admire. All three friends are into ageplay but live fairly significant lives. I love them all and as much as I want to strive to be like them, I don’t know how.
I feel like I could do more with my life, be more, but…I just don’t know what to do. And I feel like ageplay isn’t just this part of me but rather, it is me, it’s all I do. 90% of the day, I spend my time in my room, suckling my binky, crying, needing attention from my fiancee/mommy, and then I just go to bed…alone. I have stuffed animals, loads of them in fact, but I feel like it’s completely lost its charm.
I don’t know what to do or why I feel this way. I look at how I live my life, and I just want to cry and throw up. Sometimes I even do.
I dunno what else to say…I just wanted to put my feelings out there. This is really difficult to talk about so I’m sorry if it seems erratic or doesn’t make a lot of sense.