For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

General
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All throughout my life, I’ve had difficulty coming to grips with who I am as an individual, but the ONE thing that was just so perfectly easy and natural to me was being into ageplay. It just seemed…right for me, I dunno how to explain it, but it was a fairly intrinsic part of who I was, even as early as six years old.

But lately…I dunno.

For the first time in my life, I’m starting to feel real, legitimate shame and disgust with my ABDL side. I haven’t been too fond of my body or who I am in other aspects for quite a while but my little side was always the one thing that worked, it helped me cope and deal with my stress, it helped relax me, it made me feel good about myself.

I’ve come out to everybody about my being into ageplay. I literally don’t have a single friend who doesn’t know, and my entire family knows as well.

Recently I had a phone call with my grandmother, first one in six months after I flipped out on her. I’m not proud of what I said to her but I stand by it nonetheless because it needed to be said. We talked and things seemed to be going fine. She was telling me all these fantastic things about my cousin’s son’s 2nd birthday and a wonderful thanksgiving dinner and retirement and my brother’s wife being in a professional orchestra playing the piccolo. I tried to engage her, I told her how wonderful those things were. I told her that I always wanted to learn the violin, and I could just tell from her “oooh I see” that it was just a smile and nod.

Then I told her about my engagement. I told her that I’m in love with this beautiful, wonderful girl who makes me so frigging happy and I really think she’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. BEFORE I even told her about Australia, before anything like that, I told her this and she just responded “oh that’s nice.”

This hurt…a lot. It showed me that my grandmother just didn’t care, but then I got to thinking about it and looked deeper into what she said. I’ve been desperate for a partner, a love life that incorporates my ageplay for so long now and I’ve meticulously and surreptitiously looked for a partner willing to cater specifically to that aspect of my life. Anything else is bonus but that alone was what I felt I needed.

Granted, Miranda and I have a fantastic relationship. Liking all the same things, nearly identical musical tastes, both of us are writers and artists, she study’s psychology and I’m quite fascinated by it, she’s a switch and mostly on the dom/mommy side and I’m a sub. Hell we even get along on an empathic level, which is rare for even the most solidly grounded relationships.

But I wonder if I’m letting my ageplay consume me. I see so many people doing important and groundbreaking things with their lives. And many many more doing at least relevant and significant things. My brother is only seven years older than me and has a masters in English, my half-sister is a month younger than me and has her bachelors. I even see some of my fellow ageplayers doing cool things with their lives like Pastel-Hime making her beautiful artwork and my future wife on a path to become a professional psychologist.

Meanwhile, I sit here with my sickeningly cute things, and the more and more I think about it, the more disgusted I am with myself at what I’ve become. I’ve developed a codependent relationship with my own hedonistic desires, I don’t just enjoy ageplay, I need it. And I think that says a lot about me and who I am, and not in a good way.

I often wonder why I need it, why I can’t just be like everyone else, why all these people get to do these important, amazing things and yet I’m such an obsessive and an agoraphobe that going out to get my mail for the day is noteworthy, and spending time at a new friends house is extraordinary. It makes me feel…defective.

I have zero income, zero independence, and am disabled enough that I’m not legally allowed to drive a car and am strongly discouraged from getting a job by my therapist and instead she’s helping me get disability which isn’t guaranteed…

I have a grand total of three friends in the immediate area that I can only sometimes be with. One set of friends are some ex’s of mine who have since become fairly good friends despite all that’s happened between the three of us, and the other I just recently met and is someone whom I really like and admire. All three friends are into ageplay but live fairly significant lives. I love them all and as much as I want to strive to be like them, I don’t know how.

I feel like I could do more with my life, be more, but…I just don’t know what to do. And I feel like ageplay isn’t just this part of me but rather, it is me, it’s all I do. 90% of the day, I spend my time in my room, suckling my binky, crying, needing attention from my fiancee/mommy, and then I just go to bed…alone. I have stuffed animals, loads of them in fact, but I feel like it’s completely lost its charm.

I don’t know what to do or why I feel this way. I look at how I live my life, and I just want to cry and throw up. Sometimes I even do.

I dunno what else to say…I just wanted to put my feelings out there. This is really difficult to talk about so I’m sorry if it seems erratic or doesn’t make a lot of sense.

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Re: For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

There are things that you’ve dealt with in the last ten years of your life that take a whole lot more out of a person than a masters degree (trust me as someone who has one…)

If you think you indulge yourself too much, then sure, do something else, but at the same time, do not underestimate the importance of working to make yourself better; it’s difficult to achieve much without a solid base.

Finally - I hope this isn’t tactless - intermittent self loathing is not unusual for you, right? Perhaps this is that same demon coming back and attacking you in your safe place.

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Re: For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

I suppose yeah…

Christmas time is also kinda hard because I don’t really have a family to go home to anymore…

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Re: For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

Here’s the thing. If you try to measure yourself by other people’s standards/accomplishments, you’re almost always going to come up short, at least in your own mind. The grass is always greener, as they say. The trick is to stop trying to compare yourself to what other people do or have done. You need to just make sure that you’re the best person you can be. That’s really all that truly matters. Let yourself be “you” and everything else will fall into place. Worrying about “amounting to something” is a surefire way to lead to bedlam.

The reason I say all this is because I have found myself doing much the same as you. I design, write and publish tabletop roleplaying games for a living, which may sound pretty sweet (and it really is my lifelong dream). However, my childhood best friend went on to become a heart surgeon and another childhood friend ended up working for NASA… stuff that actually matters. At least that’s how I saw it. So, for years, I measured my self worth by that and, well, let’s just say that it affected my self esteem greatly.

Then, I had a conversation with my heart surgeon friend and he admitted that he was envious of me. I asked him how that could possibly be. He explained that I spread joy and entertainment to gamers all over the world and that my games would live on potentially for all eternity, long after I’m gone; that I’ve made my own legacy in that way. I still don’t agree with him and still feel that what he does far, far outranks what I do in terms of importance, but what I came to realize after that conversation is that, as I mentioned earlier, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. While I was envious of my friend, he was, in turn, envious of me.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that we’re all special in our own way and that we don’t need to measure up to anyone else or society’s expectations, for that matter. So many people would be beyond envious of you for the strength and bravery it took for you to come out about your “little” side to everyone in your life and the fact that you have a love interest who supports you and even shares your interests. That’s a big deal. Look to what you have and I think you’ll find that you have quite a good thing going. So what if you can’t work? Who cares if you haven’t invented some world-changing gadget? What does it matter that you’re consumed by ABDL things? You’re a good person and THAT’S what matters most.

Stay strong and hang in there. :slight_smile:

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Re: For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

Thank you so much. This means a lot. You have no fucking idea how invaluable what you just said to me is.

I really try, ya know? I don’t feel as much issue with ageplay today as I did when I posted this, but it’s not impossible for the feeling to come back. I wanna try and keep all this in mind.

Some of the things I consider accomplishments, and I mean real accomplishments according to my standards, are virtually -nothing- in comparison to what others do every day. Some days, I get so lost in my own anxiety and OCD that I can’t even go outside and grab the mail. I could stand in front of the door to our house for half an hour, forty-five minutes before I even touch the handle.

And yet some days, despite being so agoraphobic, I can go to a friends house or walk to therapy.

To me…asking an agoraphobe to walk to her therapists office is like asking any “normal” person to finish a semester of college full-time. Or at least…sometimes I feel that way, and others I wonder what’s wrong with me and why I can’t just step outside and grab the god damned mail.

I know a lot of other people wouldn’t see “grabbing the mail” as any sort of noteworthy achievement, and I dunno, maybe it isn’t…it’s just for someone like me, it’s really, really fucking hard. Going outside where people are around and could see me and potentially say hi, especially my loud ass neighbors who have stolen things from us.

Last night I had a panic attack at a friends house, in front of five people. I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the floor, and just shook myself, begging myself not to go off the deep end, to stop hallucinating and listening to the bad voices. After about 30-40 minutes, Perette (one of those five friends I knew and was very friendly with) knocked on the door.

Then when I couldn’t answer, when I was too paralyzed to speak, I heard them talk about finding a key, and heard the keyhole being messed with and then after that didn’t work, loud thumping.

I was terrified to move. To say anything. Inside those four walls of a strange man’s bathroom were the only things that passed for any sort of relative safety and comfort from an even stranger, potentially life threatening situation outside. The rational part of my brain kept trying to tell me “Jackie, they’re really nice people. There’s nothing wrong, you don’t need to be afraid.” But…alas, that deep into a panic attack one does not use rationality.

I can’t use my logical mind when dealing with anxiety or hallucinations or voices or alternate personalities. No matter how hard I try, they are in fact emotional and it’s very difficult to rationalize, dissect and pacify them.

Sometimes I just feel so…so wrong. Just for existing. How can someone who can’t even be with friends or even grab the mail ever hope to do anything even remotely significant with her life? I love art for instance. I’ve resigned myself to think ‘okay, I might not be the next Van Gogh’ but can I even make decent enough art that’s worthy of the public eye?

So…yeah. Sorry, I ramble a lot. Ironic given that it’s hard for me to speak in person. The anonymity of the internet helps. But yeah…I feel defective and useless. A lot. I don’t know how to not feel that sometimes.

Sigh back to more TED talks for comfort.

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Re: For the first time (warning: not a fun or light hearted topic)

My “Mommy” suffers from Agoraphobia and Depression as well and she says many of the same things that you do. I’ve seen her panic attacks and her struggles with going to the local supermarket. So, I’ve seen how scary it can be. I certainly feel for you and if you ever need to talk, I’ll be here. Just drop a PM.

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