Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Note: I’m only 75% sure this will have an ABDL element tied into it, and if it comes down to it I will request it to be moved. Otherwise, first story in a LONG ass time, lookin for some critique to see just how rusty I am at writing fiction. Here’s the first two chapters of my newest story-

Dance of the Water Drakes-

Chapter 1: The prophecy

[b][i]How little men know….about worlds, about fate. They live in their blissful ignorance relying on technology and machinery to do their bidding. The various animals around them are considered inferior, and at best only a non-intelligent friend among them. They divided their lands, seized control of other governments, they lack the organization needed for this earth. However, little known to them, the prophecy stirs into motion; at last our realm shall have retribution over theirs.

Unlike most prophecies, this is not set in stone. This prophecy is only a piece to the greater puzzle that will liberate the earth from humans. It is said that when the mother of one child can no longer birth another, she may have the genetic imprint needed to found our lord. After more than eighty thousand years of patience, we believe we have found her.

Her blood is a ninety-nine percent exact match to the description set in the prophecy. We shall use this to our advantage, and her next love affair will yield quite a surprise for her. We are the tribunal, this prophecy depends on us to ensure it’s fulfillment. It is time.[/i][/b]

In the deepest heavens of the oceans, an organization known as the Tribunal sits and plots the perfect time to awaken their lord. The tribunal consists of seven immortal humans. They have drank from the fountain of youth, gaining permanent life in their current age. However, the gift of permanent life comes with a cost. They are only immortal to age, not to wound. Their immune system was destroyed in the process of becoming immortal, their blood no longer flows, and their cells no longer function. A single wound of any kind, will never be healed again and a single cut will never cease to bleed. They are required to stay in their realm, the realm of the healing waters. They exist unknown to man in the deepest oceans, hidden in a cavern constructed into a fortress. Other than the cost of blood ceasing to flow, they have also agreed to align themselves with the water drakes. Serpents that breath and manipulate water to heal, or cause wounds.

Their lord has been dormant for eons now. His soul still exists, but his body does not. When the next child of the mother who can bear no more children is born, he shall use that body. The liberation of earth will not be immediate, as he has declared that the disgrace and pain humans have brought to this earth shall be inflicted ten fold unto themselves.

The tribunal has decided to ensure the birth of their lord they would send someone to protect her from the evils of men, and the evils of the Tribunal’s enemies. Malek, a war veteran water drake was sent to earth as a human and given his task, to find the one known as Debrah J. Alexander of Charleston, South Carolina. This is where the prophecy begins.

Chapter 2- The Encounter

At a small deli shop in Charleston, South Carolina, a woman washes her hands and then begins to use a machine to slice meat. After slicing up six or seven huge blocks of ham, roast beef, and other assorted meats, she places them into the appropriate containers and begins to carry them up to the front counter.

“Hey! Wash your hands before comin’ back up here, you just handled raw meat ya dipshit!” A balding middle aged man with yellow tipped fingers and teeth from chain smoking said. The gray hairs springing up from his arms are quite literally falling off onto the ground, occasionally in the food itself, and probably the only reason this restaurant isn’t shut down is due to the fact that this man is good friends with the health inspector. Extremely good friends.

“Up yours Beckerman, you can boss me around about hygiene when you learn it yourself dammit,” the woman replies. Although, she does take the time set down the meat and wash her hands anyways.

“Don’t use that tone with me or I’ll fire ya,” He barks.

“Yeah, like every other time you’ve said that.” She probably shouldn’t be arguing with him considering this is her only job and she’s trying to raise not only her son but support the deadbeat father married to her. This is the kind of man who gets drunk at 11AM and then knocks her from room to room just so she “knows her place as a woman.” Her son, Jeremy, isn’t doing much better either. From the apathy of his father and absence of his mother, he’s not really able to get much help on his school work and is drastically failing his sophomore year.

After preparing other foods and arguing more and more, the shop finally opened up. Then came the people. “Oh god the insufferable retards” she usually thinks. It’s usually around opening time that she gets the complete idiots who ask how much a food item is when veering their eyes slightly to the left to the gigantic and conspicuous sign declares this. There are people who even ask just how big a small cup of coffee is, and she nearly was fired at one point for snapping at a customer about the stupidity of that kind of question.

Elsewhere, around the same time, a man begins to walk up from the ocean unto a nearby beach in Charleston. He was an odd sight to see, most distinguishable was the tattoo of two serpents forming an X across his face, even through his eyes. His choice of clothing is also rather uncoordinated for todays standards, dressed in a brown vest with silver rivets with black pants and thick black boots. Luckily for him, only a couple of people were at this beach, and far enough away to not notice him.

Although, one local lifeguard does notice him, and begins to run up to him and ask if he’s alright. Switching the subject, he avoids answering the question and holds up a picture of a woman, “Have you seen her around here at all?” He asks in a rather deep voice for a British dialect.

"You lookin’ for that piece of ass too? Skinny bitch with a fine body, last I saw she was workin’ with Beckerman at his Deli, corner’o fourth and harrison, he says rather crudely. “You alright bro?” Still holding his concern for his safety when he came from the ocean. “Never even saw you go into the ocean, musta been holdin’ your breath for a while.”

“Forget you saw me,” the cloaked tattooed man replies.

“Whatev’ bro.”

As the lifeguard climbs the latter back to his station, he looks back noticing the cloaked man could no longer be seen in the area, as if he disappeared. The lifeguard, however, dismisses it as nothing considering he has more pressing concerns of a mega-hot babe rubbing tanning lotion on her body.

The tattooed man, as if through a form of teleportation, appears in front of the deli described by the lifeguard. Looking up he notices the sign “Beckerman’s Deli Sandwiches.” He looks back down, and sighs, mumbling “Humans are so terribly uninventive.” He was about to go in before he saw a small clothing shop near by, and looking at his own clothes he concluded that something more contemporary to wear might help with this first bit of espionage. After crossing the street and entering the shop, he remembered the Tribunal mentioned something about humans using a combination of plastic and a strip of a magnet to exchange for goods. One of the tribunal members, the youngest immortal handed him a version of this, claiming it was his from his previous life before immortality. The tattooed man can only hope it works.

Walking in he finds a suitable set of clothing, pretty much copying a small poster nearby of a man in fashionable. Just as long as it was modern enough to help him blend in, that was enough for him. The credit card managed to work just fine, and being required to sign a receipt gave him the idea of using the Tribunal members name as his own for the time being. He signed it, Shawn Kepner. After a quick change from the changing rooms in this clothing store, he was back on the streets, about to enter the Deli.

Stepping through the ‘odd for a local restaurant’ revolving door, there’s a small line of people standing at the counter asking the obviously stupid questions that any customer might ask at 10 in the morning in a restaurant. Shawn, however, decides not to stand in line. He goes over to an empty table quietly observing to see if the woman he seeks reveals herself in this place. After half an hour or so of people coming in and out ordering food, the woman does reveal herself, hauling another tray full of sliced and processed meat to replace the empty trays.

After a few minutes when the employees were busy enough not to notice the man with the tattoos, Shawn reaches into his jean pockets, pulling out a small vial of a teal colored liquid. Pouring out a single drop, this liquid began to mold itself into what looks like a small blue caterpillar. Although no one notices him create this odd looking creature, someone does notice him pick it up with his finger and mumble about how disgusting that was. With a short whisper, shawn commands the creature to locate any information on Debrah J. Alexander, knowing that humans are obsessed with having documents of every detail of every person. After an hour of slithering and sneaking around, the creature finally returns with the details required. Her address and her phone number were now in Shawn’s possession.

However, even though all the information was given, he is forced to crush the bug when interrupted by Debrah, the woman he seeks, to avoid any unnecessary questions. “Did you want to order anything to eat?”

Shawn responds with a simple and humble “no thank you,” which kind of frustrated Debrah. “Well if you’re not gonna order anything I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. This restaurant is for paying customers, not freeloaders.”

“In that case, may I have a glass of water,” he asks.

“Yeah…sure I guess. It’s ten cents for the cup,” she replies motioning for him to follow her to the counter. After the exchange, he sits back down, and never touches the cup of water he paid for. Being a creature made from water, adding more would be rather pointless.

After studying the relationships in this restaurant between Debrah and her fellow coworkers for a while longer, the man leaves the deli shop, heading for the address of Debrah’s residence. However, he doesn’t notice that it’s also the end of Debrah’s shift, at least not until she leaves a minute or two after he does. He notices that she’s actually trying to keep her distance from him, not only to see where he’s going but to avoid any confrontation whatsoever. Debrah’s residence is actually not that far from this shop, and when Shawn notices her turning to go towards her home, he decides to play coy and continue straight, to avoid any more suspicion.

Although, his actual destination is to go around the apartment complex, to see if there’s a back entrance and even if not, he’s simply going to circle around and go through the front long after Debrah is at home. Yet, it seems that fortune is on his side once again as he can see Debrah in a window four stories up. It seems as if she’s sreaming the word “no” over and over while a very ugly and obviously drunk man lies on top of her.

“Perfect timing. Unfortunately for her, he will rape her, but in turn she will be impregnated with something far greater than any human child he can produce,” to which he brings out a cell phone, dialing in a few specific numbers and then after a ring or two he states “The time is now. Send the soul to my location and I will take care of the rest.”

A small, almost transparent beam of light from underground shoots up from the streets into the hands of the tattooed man known as shawn, to which he casts it up through the apartment walls, through the woman’s mattress, through her back into her body.

“I guess this means I’m the surrogate father for the next ten and a half years. Considering her attitude though, this may become quite difficult. I’ll have to find some way to prove to her that I’m her friend, even if that is a lie. I have work to do I guess.”

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Right, thanks for the critique guys. I guess I know where I stand in writing stories here.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Oy, you’ve been back like 2 weeks, and you’re already beginning to whine again?

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

okay stop whining, I read your story. Anyway, nice start and the only problem I found was this:

Perfect timing. Unfortunately for her, he will rape him

It should be her not him, beside that, it was a good story and I hope to read more of it.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Excellent writing. I look forward to reading more.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Yes, I am. I worked my ass off writing this for people here to enjoy it. While I’m not expecting anything, I would LIKE some feedback, and honestly, I don’t see what’s so wrong about that. I don’t see whats wrong with wanting this story to be treated the same as every other one, whether torn to shreds because it’s awful or constructive feedback because it has potential. So why don’t you back off with the snarky and condescending comments, it was barely whining anyways, cause that serves no other purpose than to piss me off and start arguing, and you and I both know what that leads to.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

On the plus side, you seem to have a good handle on a concept worth exploring. The premise seems Terminator-ish, but with enough of a twist to keep it from feeling too derivative. You’ve given enough here so far to generate interest without giving too much away.
That being said, this could use some work. The entire first chapter was very overwrought. It felt almost like it could serve as the voiceover intro to a bad 80s movie.
Next, a few of your sentences tend to drag on too long. Case in point: “Dressed in a brown leather vest, studded with silver rivets, a set of black pants with black boots up to his legs and a set of tattoos over his face of a symmetrical set of blue and green lines depicting two serpents flying across his eyes perpendicular in an X shape, he was an odd sight to see coming up from the ocean.” Why not start off with “He was an odd sight” then devote the rest of the paragraph to describing him rather than trying to awkwardly cram everything into one sentence?
Lastly, you seem to shift tenses in the middle for no apparent reason. Most of the second chapter is in present tense, up until Shawn’s conversation with the lifeguard. Then it shifts to past tense, before ending up back in present when he is asked if he ordered anything to eat.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

The entire first chapter was very overwrought. It felt almost like it could serve as the voiceover intro to a bad 80s movie.

Yeah, I agree. I knew it sounded rather lame, even cliche as I was writing it, but it is a bit of a fantasy story (considering the dragons and stuff), so I guess that was inevitable. Maybe it was cheesy because the first chapter is short, which could seem a bit rushed to detail out an entire prophecy. If extending it would help lessen the cheesy 80s effect, I can do that too.

Next, a few of your sentences tend to drag on too long. Case in point: “Dressed in a brown leather vest, studded with silver rivets, a set of black pants with black boots up to his legs and a set of tattoos over his face of a symmetrical set of blue and green lines depicting two serpents flying across his eyes perpendicular in an X shape, he was an odd sight to see coming up from the ocean.” Why not start off with “He was an odd sight” then devote the rest of the paragraph to describing him rather than trying to awkwardly cram everything into one sentence?

Hmm, maybe a bit shorter of a sentence, but still descriptive. Something like “He was an odd sight to see, most distinguishable is the X shaped serpent tattoo across his face in,” and then go into the detail of physical appearance?

Lastly, you seem to shift tenses in the middle for no apparent reason. Most of the second chapter is in present tense, up until Shawn’s conversation with the lifeguard. Then it shifts to past tense, before ending up back in present when he is asked if he ordered anything to eat.

That’s always been an annoying problem with me. Past tense is second nature to me when writing, but present tense, for this type of story (“things are about to set into motion”, and not “Things have set into motion, let me tell you how they began”). This is supposed to be a present tense story, so that’s always good for anyone to pick up on (especially me) if I’m going back into past tense.

Although, quick question. In a case involving say, a flashback, is switching from past tense to present tense okay so long as I make it abundantly clear that the next thing I write is a flashback or memory? Dunno if that’d look good on paper or anything.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

In a case involving say, a flashback, is switching from past tense to present tense okay so long as I make it abundantly clear that the next thing I write is a flashback or memory?

Yes. You just need to find a way to clearly transition into and out of flashback.

Dance of the Water Drakes 1 and 2 (Revised)

Revised a little bit of the story, fixing the present/past tense confusion to all present tense, the issue with the description of Shawn, and a few other blurbs that could have been better written to add a little more ease of read to the story. Chapter 3 to come soon, Chapters 1 and 2 feedback still completely welcome and wanted.