Club D

You can probably tell where this is going, but I thought it was a different enough take. I’m not the best at finishing stories I start, but hopefully I’ll get some more out if I get positive feedback.

Club D, chapter 1

The building seemed both brand new and run down at the same time somehow. Cindy slowed down her morning run and noticed the renovation sign post near the corner, and as she turned, she nearly ran into a twenty-something man handing out fliers.
She took a quick glance at the paper, expecting to be searching for a trash can a moment later. Instead she saw that the building was a new club: Club D. And the opening was Friday.
“How can this place open Friday? It’s a dump,” she said as she turned to the flier guy.
“Building doesn’t have to be finished to pass safety inspection,” he said, “enough clean bathrooms, licensed all in order, no electrical wires in dangerous places, and the roof itself might be optional.”
Cindy laughed and was about to head on when flier guy said, “And it’s pretty exclusive, but I can get you in.”
“Aren’t all new clubs exclusive? Well whats the password then?”
“No password, just wear a safety pin on your pants where the attendant can see it.”
“That’s weird,”
“Hey, I’m just passing out fliers,” flier guy said as she started running again.

“So what do you think?” Cindy asked hopefully, waiting for her friends answer.
“I dunno,” Jen answered, “You know how clubs are, always way to noisy, always too many gross guys. Can’t we just rent a blu-ray like usual?”
“No way! We have to get out more. That’s the whole point.”
“Come on, you know how this will work. We’ll both get bored after 45 minutes and two overpriced drinks, and we’ll feel obligated to stay longer than we want.”
“I promise, one hour and if we aren’t happy, we’ll go.”
“Fine, but you owe me.”

Friday came and Cindy was excited to dress up. Nothing to fancy - Jen was right there was always the chance for grossness. By the time Jen showed up, she had changed outfits three times, and wasn’t happy with her choice.
“Got your safety pin?” Cindy asked Jen as they walked out the door.
“Yeah, you sure that’s the way in?”
“Yeah, weird right?”
“Whatever works,”
It was only a few blocks to the Club, but when they got there, they realized how popular it was.
“For an exclusive club, word got out, huh,” Cindy laughed.
“But look, most of them don’t have the pin,”
Sure enough, the line moved quickly and soon the two girls stood at the front of the line.
The attendant looked them over, simply nodded and lifted the chain blocking the line and they entered in.
The inside of the club looked polished, but they could see some of the places that still needed work. The music playing was loud, but they could still hold a conversation.

After a while Jen whispered to Cindy, “Don’t be weird about it, but look to your left.”
Cindy looked and saw a man in a suit. “It’s a man in a suit, big deal,” she said.
Jen whispered back, “A gorgeous man in a suit.”
Cindy stole a second glance and said, “Okay, so he’s cute.”
“Not just cute, he’s like Tom Brady meets a a younger Tom Selleck,”
Cindy laughed out loud, louder than she should have, “Tom Selleck, really?”
“Come on, you don’t think he’s good looking in Blue Bloods?”
“He’s…. Stoic,” Cindy said, still laughing.
“Okay, so you think he’s cute, right?”
“Yeah, but so what?”
“Bathroom, now,”

It took a moment for them to get around the crowd and to the bathroom.
“Why do we have to talk in here?” Cindy asked.
Jen sighed, “Because I couldn’t whisper this - that’s Kyle Riskedon.”
“You don’t mean -”
“Yes, the gazillionaire!”
“Okay, so?”
“So he was checking you out,”
Cindy let out a snort that was most unladylike. “Yeah, cuz this is Friend’s and I’m Monica and just happen to catch the eye of the rich guy.”
“It could happen, and he was definitely checking you out.”
“Okay, so what? I can’t just walk up to a gazillionare and say ‘hey, I saw you checking me out,’”
“No, but I can,”
“What! No way,”
“Come on, you haven’t been on a date in months. Whats it gonna hurt?”
Cindy was stumped. They could always avoid the club if it came up again.

As they walked back to the room, Kyle was still there. And Jen walked right up to him, “Excuse me, but were you checking out my friend?”
Cindy blushed, but Kyle replied with a straight face, “Yes, and I apologize, not so subtle, huh? I’ll tell you what, why don’t you two come join me in the IP section?”
Cindy could barely speak, but she finally got out, “Not VIP section?”
Kyle replied, “Something an old English teacher taught me. You never need the word very,”
Just then his phone rang. “Excuse me,” he said, and then after listening for a few minutes, he replied, “I’m so sorry, I have to go deal with something. But tell me your names and I promise you a reserved seat in next week’s IP section.”
Jen told her their names and he wrote them in his phone with a stylus. Then he said, “And just so you, next week’s code is to wear a onesie.”
Jen and Cindy both giggled at that as soon as Kyle was out of hearing distance, “A onesie, how weird!”
But then Cindy realized, “Wait, so Kyle - I can’t believe we’re on first name basis with him, owns club D?”
“I guess we’re coming back next week!”
“I guess we’re buying onesies.”

Re: Club D

It’s a mixed bag so far, I like the concept and where the story’s headed but it has several technical issues.

The pacing is a little too quick (too much has happened in so little time, the characters have not been developed at all and I keep getting their names mixed up because of this), the grammar is a little too simple (like ESL simple at times) and the lack of dialogue tags make the conversations feel too rushed and often hard to follow (I often have to look pack a few lines to remember who is supposed to be talking).

Not to mention the story often has words missing from sentences which gives the impression that this is not sufficiently proof-read.

Re: Club D

I like it!

The dialogue heavy style is nice. It has its limitations, which I’ll get to in a minute, but it’s expressive enough and keeps the story moving.

Similarly, the idea of a club using AB/DL gear as a passcode to get in is novel and unique, and will surely lead to plenty of fun miscommunications later on.

On a less good side, though, you’re a little light in description and setting. Just for an easy example, after reading this, I don’t know what the club looks like inside. Is it sleek and modern? Vintage? Techno-ey, or more of a bubblegum pop decor? The music is loud, but what style is playing? Little things like that can really help draw in a reader, and as you get later on and get to more actions which are more dialogue-light (Say, putting on a diaper,) you’re going to need to step up your descriptions.

Overall, though, great first chapter!

Re: Club D

The concept intrigues me, but I have the same issues as the above posters do. I’m interested enough to keep an eye out for the next chapter.