Sara made most of her life choices based on guilt.
Her parents had been poor but worked hard to make sure their only child would get a good education. Sara had felt that she couldn’t let them down and needed to become as wealthy as they had hoped her to become, so then she pursued a high-earning business career and worked long hours.
While focusing on a career was somewhat incompatible with having a family life, Sara also knew that her parents hoped to see grandchildren. She couldn’t bear the thought of letting them down, so once she was pretty firmly on track, she had a child together with her husband Michael.
Sara had also read that it would be better for a child to be taken care of at home until the child was three. So despite the sacrifice it involved, she decided that she would stay at home for those three years, because she didn’t want to feel like she was letting her child down.
But she didn’t really enjoy it. She did her best to hide that from Cira, her daughter, but she felt a longing to be back to work almost as soon as Cira was born. The more time she spent at home, the more guilty she felt for not being there to help her coworkers with their projects. The only thing that prevented her from putting Cira at a daycare was the fact that it’d make her feel even more guilty. The one thing that reassured her was that she’d married someone who was just like her, and they’d agreed that Michael would work twice the hours to compensate for her absence.
That meant that Cira rarely saw her father, who also had to travel a lot. Still, for the most part Cira’s first three years were happy ones, even if she was a pretty clingy child. Cira didn’t know why, but on some level she could sense Sara’s inner conflict, which made Cira instinctively fear being away from her mother.
Then Cira turned three, and Sara felt enormous relief. She felt like she had taken care of her responsibilities: she’d given her parents a grandchild, like they’d wanted, and she’d made sure her child got safe early years, like a good mother should. Now she could go back to work.
Not only was Cira put to daycare, but her mother started being less and less at home during the evenings as well. She spent some of that time with Sara’s parents - Michael’s parents living on the opposite side of the planet - and some of it with various babysitters.
Many of the babysitters felt uncomfortable with the fact that Cira was so sad so often, and might want to do little else than cry after her mother. Some of them would repeatedly tell Sara that she needed to be at home more often, and some would say nothing but stop accepting the job. Sara would fire any babysitters who “interfered in her parenting”, and as a result Cira couldn’t ever get attached to one before they changed.
It didn’t help that her parents also often moved after their job, so Cira would be repeatedly changing daycares and losing the friends she’d made there.
Sara continued to say that she loved Cira, but deep down Cira felt like her mother had stopped loving her, and Cira didn’t understand why.
Earlier on, Sara had filmed videos of them playing together, and Cira wanted to watch them again now. If she couldn’t have her mother, at least she could have a memory of playing with her mother.
One of the videos was Cira’s favorite. She was just a year old in that video, wearing nothing but a diaper and giggling happily as Sara played with her. Cira watched it over and over again.
Later she started feeling sad each time she went potty. She didn’t really know why, but she started wishing that she would still be in diapers. Children who were still in diapers were so lovable, and Cira wanted to be lovable too.
The only people who seemed to genuinely care about her were her grandparents.
And when Cira was six, her grandfather fell ill and died. That was a huge shock both to her and her grandmother, and it was only a little later that her grandmother died as well.
Cira had been supposed to start school that year. But the shock of losing her grandparents was too much, and she didn’t really want to meet any new children her age, either - she had stopped even trying to make friends, and as a result she felt lonely even in the company of other kids. So Sara agreed that Cira could just take classes from home. They’d hire some good remote tutors and teachers for that.
“You’re a smart girl”, Sara said. “So it’s not a problem if you’re at home, I think you’re old enough not to need a babysitter anymore. Just make sure that your homework gets done.”
Cira did, but found school pretty easy - she had been spending a lot of time with books anyway, so it only took her very little time to do her classes each day. The rest of the day, she would order food online and spend her time reading books and playing video games.
She had just turned eight when Sara got pregnant again.
It definitely hadn’t been intentional. Sara had thought that it was her responsibility to make sure that her parents would get a grandchild, and she had done that. And now that her parents were dead anyway, there was no point in having another.
But something went wrong with her and Michael’s contraception, and she found herself carrying another child. She considered the thought of getting an abortion, but couldn’t make herself go through it, so she reluctantly decided to just have the baby instead.
Sara was suddenly home again, taking care of Cira’s little brother Cahil.
If it had happened at an earlier time, Cira might have been happy. But by this point she had gotten used to her mother’s absence, and didn’t really know how to relate to her anymore. Besides, she knew that Sara hadn’t come home for her. Sara had come home for Cira’s little lovable baby brother.
But Cira wasn’t very jealous. She loved her baby brother too, and was happy to have someone in the house who wouldn’t go anywhere. Cira would play with Cahil as often as she could, and was happy to help her mother with taking care of him.
Sara, for her own part, was happy to have her daughter helping her this time. That meant that she didn’t need to sacrifice another three years completely, but could work from home part of the time. It made her happy that she had chosen to let Cira study from home rather than going to school.
Cira particularly loved it when she found Cahil needing a change. It made her so happy for her brother, that he was still in diapers and didn’t even know what it meant to go potty. And because Cira always smiled and laughed so happily when she was changing his diapers, it became one of Cahil’s favorite things as well.
Cira on her part noticed how enthusiastic Cahil had gotten about running up to her when he needed a change, and knew that she was right. The boy got so happy and loveable whenever diapers were involved.
It had been straightforward to potty train Cira. Potty training Cahil turned out to be much less straightforward. He could sense that his mother wanted him on the potty, but that his sister - who was practically his second mommy - didn’t. So he would sometimes go potty, enough to not make Sara too unhappy, but would also sometimes just use his diaper, enough to not make Cira too unhappy.
By the time he turned three, he was still in diapers. At that point, Sara went back to work, and put his son in daycare.
Cahil was put in a daycare group consisting of three- and four-year olds, the only one of his group who still needed diapers during the day. It was run by an elderly lady who thought that tough discipline and shaming were good ways to motivate children to grow up.
“Only babies need diapers”, she would say. “We don’t have any babies here, do we?”
She noted with satisfaction that her methods worked - kind of. Cahil started going potty more often in daycare, but when he came home, he didn’t want to go potty at all. Of course, since it was Cira who mostly looked after him in the evenings, she was perfectly happy to just keep changing him instead.
The one thing that she noticed was that Cahil was getting even happier about being in diapers. He would laugh and giggle and nod enthusiastically when Cira threw a string of cheerful questions at him, “does my little baby have full diapers? Is it fun to pee in them? Is it fun to have a poopy butt? Does my baby love being a little diaper baby? Is it fun when your sister washes your butt? Is it nice to get a nice clean diaper?”
Another thing that Cira was starting to notice was that Cahil really didn’t seem to like going to daycare.
Since Cahil obviously needed his diapers at home, Cira kept sending him to daycare in them, even though he was having fewer accidents there.
“I guess you’re a baby who likes being in diapers, since you keep coming here in them”, the daycare lady told Cahil.
Cahil looked down and didn’t say anything. He couldn’t argue against that - he did like being in diapers, that was what he told Cira each time she asked him. And he was a baby, too. He didn’t understand what this lady had against that, since his sister always praised him for it. The other kids made fun of him for it, too - and while the lady would put an end to some bullying, she was always okay with the kids bullying him for his diapers.
“You’re a baby then."
Cahil nodded. Again, he couldn’t argue. He liked being in diapers, and everyone told him that only babies liked being in diapers, so he was obviously a baby.
"Babies can’t play with big children. Go sit there in the corner and watch the others play. You can join them once you’ve gone potty and are little less of a baby.”
Half a year later, their parents moved again - not that the location of their physical home mattered much, given how much time they were spending away from it. But Sara still felt like she should be at home at least sometimes, and by taking her children to live where she worked, she could tell herself that she was being a good mother and doing something about being close to them.
That meant that Cahil got to be home with Cira for a while, without needing to go daycare. After some time, Sara gave Cira a printout.
“Here’s a list of nearby daycares where we could put Cahil. You’re a smart girl and I’ve been busy at work, could you look through them and see which one would fit him the most? You spend a lot of time with him, so you know what he likes.”
When Cira told her brother that she was looking for a new daycare for him, he burst out crying. “I don’t want to, they’re mean at daycare!”
Cira wasn’t that enthused about finding a daycare for Cahil, either - not with her own experiences of them. “How are they mean to you?”
It took some time, but she eventually got the story out of Cahil. “Oh no”, she said when she understood what had been happening. She gave him a tight hug. “Cahil, there’s nothing wrong with being a baby. You’re a wonderful lovable baby. Those adults and children were just mean because they’re jealous and would like to be babies too.”
That evening, she spoke to Sara on the phone. “Hey mom, I think it would be better for Cahil to just be at home with me. Can he?”
“Oh, okay”, Sara replied. “I thought that you might want more time for your own, but sure.” One less thing for Sara to worry about, then.
At some point Cira noticed that Cahil didn’t seem to want to go the bathroom at all, not even to brush his teeth or get a shower. For some part that was fine - he could brush his teeth by the kitchen sink - but it was a bit of a problem when he wasn’t just wet.
“Come on, silly”, Cira said once more when Cahil was dragging his feet. “We have to go to the shower to wash your messy butt.”
“I don’t wanna.”
“Why don’t you wanna?”
But Cira didn’t get an answer, and it took significant cajoling and the promise of video games afterwards until Cahil relented and agreed to come with her. When they got to the bathroom, Cira noticed that the boy very consistently kept not looking in a certain direction.
“The potty is here”, Cira said. “Is that it? You don’t like seeing the potty? Does it remind you of those mean people at the daycare?”
Cahil looked at his feet and nodded.
“Well, you could just have told me. I’ll take the potty to the closet in the hall and we’ll put it there so you can’t see it, is that better?”
Cahil nodded again, but this time he smiled a little. Cira did as she had promised to do, and found Cahil smiling even more when she came back.
“There you go. There’s no need for baby brothers to see potties.”
After that, there was no issue with taking Cahil for a shower anymore.
“Is Cahil still in diapers?” Sara asked.
Cira could only barely resist rolling her eyes. Their mother was home for Cahil’s fourth birthday. Sara had been away so much that she hadn’t even noticed that her son had, if anything, gotten less potty trained over the last half a year.
“Yes”, Cira replied. “He doesn’t want to go potty. And he doesn’t need to if he doesn’t want to.” She was nervous of how her mother might react, which made her voice sharp.
“And you’re fine with always changing him?”
“Yes.”
Sara hesitated. Maybe she would be failing her responsibilities as a mother if she let Cahil still not be potty trained by four… but Cira seemed insistent on not changing things, so Sara would have to get personally involved if she wanted it to happen. That would take away from her work… and it would mean that she had failed her responsibilities for not doing something about it earlier.
She’d had some similar thoughts about the fact that Cahil was still often sucking on a pacifier, but that was easier to ignore. That wasn’t as rare at this age as still being diapers full time was.
“Well okay”, Sara shrugged forced a little smile. “If you’re okay with it. Right, Michael?”
“Right.” Her husband was always happy to back whatever parenting choice his wife made. He hadn’t been particularly interested in having children in the first place, and was more interested with ensuring his wife was happy.
And that was the end of the discussion. Their parents spend the rest of the day with them, then gave them both a hug in the evening. “We’d really love to stay for longer, maybe read you a bedtime story”, Sara said. “But we have a very important business meeting to attend to.”
“It’s okay, mom”, Cira said. “I can read us both a bedtime story.”
“That’s my girl. I love you.”
“I love you too, mom.”
“And I love you too, birthday hero.”
Cahil nodded quietly.
After their parents left, Cira stopped to look at the door for a long time.
“Why are you standing there, Cir?”
Cira had expected Sara to put up much more of a fight about the diapers, but mom had given in right away. There could be no doubt about it in Cira’s mind now - Sara also wanted Cahil to stay in diapers. Of course she did. She had said that she loved Cahil, and who could be more lovable than someone who was still in diapers?
“You know what, Cahil?” Cira smiled, kneeling down to meet his eyes at his level. “I think mom was really happy to hear that you don’t want to go potty. I think she likes you as a baby. And I like you as a baby too. I’m really proud of you, you chose to stay in diapers and that’s why you’re still in them. I don’t know of any other four-year old who would have done what you did.”
Cahil beamed at her. “I like being a baby.”
“I know you do.” Cira gave him a tight hug. “And now you’ll always be one.”
The next day, Cira had an idea.
“Do you want to be a baby, Cahil?”
“I am a baby!”
“But do you want to always be a baby?”
“Yes!”
“Then we have to make sure that you’ll stay one.” Cira looked at him seriously. “There are things that babies do, and things that big boys do. You can’t do the things that big boys do, because you’re a baby. But you’re not a little baby, you’re a big baby, so you can do things that little babies can’t. Doing things that big babies do, doesn’t make you a big boy.”
Cahil listened to this seriously. “What can I do?”
“Well, that’s something we have to find out.” Cira got out a big piece of paper that she’d prepared while Cahil had been watching cartoons. It had three columns at the top:
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS |
|---|---|---|
Because Cahil couldn’t read yet, the first column also had a photo of him as a baby. The second had a photo of him now, and the third one had a photo of a teenager that Cira had printed out from online.
Under the three columns and to the left, she had drawn the picture of a diaper.
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers |
“Do small babies like diapers?” Cira asked.
“Yes!”
Cira drew a smiley face under “small babies”.
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers |  |
“Do big babies like diapers?”
“Yes!”
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers | |
|
“Do big boys like diapers?”
“No!”
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers | |
|
 |
“Okay! So now we know that big babies wear diapers, and you’re a big baby, so you have to always wear diapers. Do small babies like going potty?”
“No!”
They went through that, too. “How about video games?” Cira asked. “I don’t think small babies play video games. Do big babies like to play video games?”
“Yes!”
“That’s what I thought. And big boys do too.”
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers |
: |
|
|
| Potty | |
|
|
| Video games | |
|
|
After a while, they had quite a few things. Board games were like video games - both big babies and big boys could play them, but small babies couldn’t. Pacifiers were like diapers, in that both babies used them but big boys didn’t.
Cira thought that only big babies read picture books. Big boys only read real books, and while you could show small babies picture books, they mostly looked at them rather than read them.
They didn’t agree on everything. Cira liked reading real books and thought Cahil would enjoy it too - and not only picture books - but Cahil felt like it was a big boy thing and like Cira could just read him everything. In the end, she relented. Cahil was more okay with the thought of reading comics, though.
Could big babies drink from cups? Cahil hadn’t drunk from a bottle in a couple of years, but he liked the thought of drinking “from a pacifier”. Cira was a little concerned that drinking from a bottle would be slow, and that Cahil would get frustrated with it. They finally agreed that big babies couldn’t drink from ordinary cups, but they could drink from bottles and sippy cups. It made Cahil happy to get the sippy cups on the list - it was another thing besides picture books that only big babies used. Small babies needed to drink from a bottle.
“I think that’s enough for now”, Cira said eventually. “If we’re ever unsure what you can do, we can just look at this list. And if there’s something that’s not on this list, we can decide and then add it.”
| SMALL BABIES | BIG BABIES | BIG BOYS | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Diapers | |
|
|
| Potty | |
|
|
| Video games | |
|
|
| Board games | |
|
|
| Pacifiers | |
|
|
| Picture books | |
|
|
| Real books | |
|
|
| Comics | |
|
|
| Baby bottles | |
|
|
| Sippy cups | |
|
|
| Cups | |
|
|
Cahil nodded happily.
“Now there’s one more thing you need to do. I know you want to be a baby, but you haven’t become a big baby yet. So far you have been doing both big baby things and big boy things. If you do one thing, then that proves that you’re not going to become a big boy.”
“What’s that?”, Cahil asked with a look of concern on his face.
“We have a potty in this house”, Cira reminded him. “Big babies don’t use potties, it says so on the list. But big boys do. So we’re going to get that potty from the closet and see what you’ll do with it. A big boy would take it to the bathroom so that he could use it. But if you’re a big baby, you’ll take it to the trash can outside and throw it away.”
“Okay!” The thought of throwing away the potty made Cahil happy.
Some moments later, they were standing outside by the trash can. Cahil was holding his old potty.
“Now, I want you to be sure about this”, Cira said. “If you’re absolutely certain you are a a big baby, I’ll lift you up so you can throw that potty into the trash. But if you are actually a big boy, you can’t do that. Are you a big baby or a big boy?”
“I’m a big baby!”
“Alright, then.” Cira put her hands in Cahil’s armpits and lifted him up. “Go ahead and throw that potty in the trash.”
He did, giggling happily. “Bye bye potty!”
“Now I really know that you’re a baby. Because you couldn’t have done that if you were a big boy. So you’re going to be in diapers and do baby things forever.” Cira put him down and gave him a tight hug, and he hugged tightly back.
Both slept very well that night, as happy as they had ever been.
From that day on, Cahil was very enthusiastic about being a baby. “Tell me what babies do, Cira”, he would ask her, multiple times a day. And then Cira would take him by the hand and lead him to the chart they now had hanging by the wall in his room, and start going through it line by line. “Well, babies like you use diapers. Big boys don’t use diapers. Babies like you don’t go potty, that’s for big boys. Small babies don’t play video games, but big babies like you do…” It didn’t take very long until they both had the entire chart memorized, but Cahil still liked looking at the chart as Cira recited it.
“Big babies are told what babies are like”, he said one day.
“You’re right, they are told every day what babies are like, so they can remain babies. Let’s add that to the list.”
Cira was just as enthusiastic about her brother being a baby. In the morning when she helped Cahil get dressed (big babies didn’t dress themselves), she would usually leave him without pants, so that his diaper would be clearly visible. She’d offer him a choice of several pacifiers, and once he had picked one and put it in his mouth, lead him in front of a mirror. “See that baby in the mirror? With that diaper and pacifier? He’s just the cutest thing I have ever seen, and everyone can tell that he’s a complete baby.”
“Can we go get me more diapers?” The words were muffled from behind the pacifier, but Cira was practiced in understanding what Cahil was trying to say.
“Of course we can”, they went to Cira’s computer. She pulled up the baby products section of a local online store. “Maybe we can find you some other baby things, too?”
“What’s that?”, Cahil pointed at one of the products.
“That’s baby food. Should we get you some?”
“I’m a baby, I want baby food”, Cahil said happily.
From that day on, they would start every morning by changing Cahil, dressing him, admiring him in front of a mirror, and then feeding him baby food. He did still like to eat other things too, but wanted to start the morning by feeling like a complete baby.
Their parents visited less and less. Even Sara could notice that Cahil had regressed in many things, and felt guilty to see it. She rationalized it by thinking that the children missed her whenever she left, so it was better for them if she wouldn’t visit so often.
“Adults feel like they need to make babies into big kids”, Cira told Cahil. “Mom would have wanted me too to be a baby, but she had to make me into a big girl so that I could take care of you. She’s staying away so that you can stay a baby.”
Cahil hugged her tightly. He missed his mom, but felt grateful that he was a baby. Over time, he thought of her less and less. To cheer him up, Cira made sure to tell Cahil every day how proud she was of him - at first of being the only four-year baby she knew, then the only five-year old, and so on.
They spent their days together, Cira quickly doing her schoolwork and then just playing and watching TV and doing things together. Cira had a significant allowance from her parents, meaning that they could order practically any toys or gadgets they wanted.
Other children didn’t really want to play with the weird big baby and his sister, but that was okay. They didn’t want to play with other children either. Other children were weird and mean and didn’t understand that it was better to be a baby.
The two also didn’t like going to town very much, since people would stare at Cahil having his pacifier - it was nicer to just be at home. They had stopped moving houses too, since Sara had finally given up the pretense of trying to visit them, so they actually had a home now. It was a nice one with a big yard and walls around it, so Cahil could go around in just a diaper and pacifier without anyone else seeing.
Eventually Cahil started doing schoolwork too, and he was enthusiastic about it - it was something his sister did, after all. That also got Cira more interested in it, and he enjoyed helping him with it. This did however require a discussion about big babies not reading, since the schoolwork expected Cahil to learn to read.
“That line on the chart meant that big babies don’t read real books for fun”, Cira decided. “Doing schoolwork is different. Big babies can’t go to school, but they can do schoolwork.”
Cahil nodded. They’d played so many video games with voice acting and subtitles, he’d basically picked up reading from those anyway. As long as his sister would keep reading books for him, he was happy.
One day, Cahil was crying hopelessly. There was a package of white youth-sized diapers on the floor between him and his sister.
“Cahil, your diapers are really getting too small for you. They leak all the time. You need to have bigger diapers.”
“But I don’t want those! I want a bigger Pampers!”
“I know, but Pampers doesn’t make any diapers your size.” In truth, Cira didn’t like these new diapers either. Cahil was so cute in Pampers, with all the adorable markings that the diapers had. These bigger ones were all white and plain, they didn’t look babyish at all.
But diapers that constantly leaked weren’t babyish either. Cira wanted Cahil to feel safe not thinking about bathroom things at all, and letting his sister take full responsibility for that. The way things had been going, she would either have to keep checking his diaper practically all the time, or he’d have to start telling her whenever he had wet. Cira didn’t like either of those ideas. That was either too stressful for her, or too much responsibility to put on a baby.
Still, she relented for now.
“How about we look online?”, Cahil suggested in the evening.
Cira didn’t expect to find anything. But after throwing a variety of keywords at Google, they came across a video about making ABDL diapers by cutting the fronts of baby diapers and gluing them on the adult diapers, and putting in the actual diaper part of the baby ones as boosters inside the adult ones.
“Hey baby, how about we do that? Then you could have diapers that didn’t leak, but you’d still be using Pampers.”
Cahil made two quick sucking sounds with his pacifier - code for “yes”. He liked the idea.
It took some initial frustration and failed attempts with scissors and glue, but eventually they got the hang of it. Cahil giggled, and wanted to fill his new diapers with as many of his old Pampers as he could.
“You can fill them up now, you never mess yourself in the evening, but when we get new diapers on you in the morning you’ll need to leave some room for the poop”, Cira smiled. “Baby likes being in really thick diapers, does he?”
Cahil giggled and nodded enthusiastically. The diapers felt really thick and forced his legs to spread out, he hadn’t ever had similar ones.
“Those do look really cute on you. You did it again, Cahil - instead of getting more grown-up diapers, you found a way to stay in Pampers. I’m so proud of how you always remain a baby.”
Cahil practically purred at his sister’s praise. “I want to make more of these!”
“You liked cutting and gluing them together, didn’t you?”
“It was really fun! I really felt like a baby, making myself big baby diapers.”
“Well, you need a lot of diapers so we’ll need to make them often, so it’s good that you like it.”
That became another addition to the morning routine. Once Cahil had been fed, he would sit down to make himself some new diapers for the day. It wasn’t very challenging after he got the hang of it, but he found it fun, a pleasant little routine that he could do that let him know that he really was a big baby. Sometimes Cira would help, sometimes she would do something else on her own in the meanwhile.
But whenever Cahil finished, she’d come and praise him and tell him how proud she was of him again. By that time, Cahil would be in the need of a change, so she would change him into one of the diapers he’d just made.
Having found the video and the term “ABDL”, they started doing more searches about that letter combination. When they learned that it meant people who loved diapers and wanted to stay babies forever, it made perfect sense to them. Of course people would want to stay in diapers and be babies. The only thing that puzzled them was why everyone didn’t.
“Everyone probably does”, Cira reasoned. “They’re just too ashamed to admit it.”
“Yeah”, Cahil nodded. “It’s really sad. Besides, not everyone can be a big baby, some people have to be big kids to take care of the babies.”
The categorization that Cira had made up had become sacrosanct in their heads. Even though Cira had previously felt sad about no longer being in diapers, it never occurred to either of them that she could start wearing them too. In their heads, Cahil could wear diapers because he was a Big Baby, and had a Big Girl taking care of him and changing him. And Big Girls couldn’t wear diapers. But Cira was happy anyway - she felt that as long as her brother was a baby and in diapers, that made his caretaker feel lovable too.
“Hey, this ABDL store has some adorable baby clothes and pacifiers your size. Let’s get you some…”
Their parents earned so much money that Cira and Cahil wouldn’t ever need to go to work or college, though they could take remote classes if they wanted to. Mostly they were content just to be and play together.
They were happy, and grateful that their parents had understood that Cahil needed to stay a baby.