Careful What You Wish For
I closed my door with a soft click before turning off the lights, leaving my room in a state of semi-darkness with the evening light, a sense of calm. I made my way over to my dresser where the music player sat. The CD mom had gotten me was already loaded up from its last playthrough, all I had to do was hit play and smile as the soft, soothing nursery rhymes filled the room.
Mom had gotten me the CD a few weeks back as a gift. A set of six nursery rhymes that she told me to listen to on a loop. She wanted me to try them all. I hadn’t been so sure at first, but now I was hooked. I loved each one of them, loved the state of mind they brought me to, that feeling of warmth and peace, of comfort and safety. There was no other way to replicate it. No other way to describe it. It just made everything feel ok.
Turning around, I made for my crib, flopping onto the mattress as I eyed the pink pacifier laying in the corner. Without a second thought, I popped the infantile thing into my mouth, taking comfort in the soothing nipple as I suckled it. The music, the pacifier, the crib, it all made me feel cute and little. Like a baby. It let little me shine, a part of me that had been hidden away for too long.
I laid back on the mattress, my head hitting the pillow with a deep sight. I continued to suckle the pacifier, staring up at the ceiling, watching the fan blades go around and around, staring off into nothing as the sweet sounds of nursery rhymes filled my ears. It was just so easy to lay back and forget. So easy to close my eyes and let my mind wander. So easy to pretend that I was a baby getting ready for her nap. It was so calming and peaceful.
As I listened, I felt an urge building in my bladder, a tightness. It was my body letting me know that it was time to pee. I squeezed for a second, holding back the waiting flow, letting that need to release build-up, that pinch, as years of potty training took over. It was instinct to hold it, to wait for a toilet. An instinct that I was working to forget. I relaxed, breathing out as I released my bladder, letting the warm pee flood into the thick, soft padding of my diaper. I smiled to myself, enjoying the warm and heavy feeling as my diaper expanded. It was a strange thought: To be a senior in high school and wearing a diaper, to be using a diaper. It was something I had never thought would happen. But then again, this year had been full of the unexpected. Things had happened that nobody could have predicted. Things that nobody could have planned for. We were all along for the wild ride that had become 2020.
I let my mind wander further. Think more. The soothing sound of the music merging into the background as my mind processed everything, drifting into thought.
Life had changed so much in such a short time. Just this time last year, I had been sitting at a pencil scratched, gum grave, rickety, old desk surrounded by zombified students, with a teacher who was old enough to have taught Lincoln, all boxed in by bleak, white walls. It was a concrete prison. School. It had been the daily norm for millions. Wake up, go to school, go to clubs or practice or a job, home for homework and family, and then finally to bed. It was a never-ending cycle, only relieved by all too short weekends packed with friends, parties, and trouble. It was the typical life of a teenaged girl. And I hated it. Hated waking up in the morning to join the masses in a daily ritual of educational brainwashing. Hated the cliche groups and sports teams that made life a living hell. Hated the administration and teachers that seemed out to get you every second of every day. Hated every single bit of it. My dream had always been to leave it all behind. To graduate. To go to college. To start my life. That had always been the dream. To leave high school and never look back.
And then Sam happened. Well, Sam had always been there. She had been part of the cliche groups ruining my life from day one, she had been their leader. And I hated her for it. It was impossible to tell when it had all started. Preschool? Kindergarten? First grade? Honestly, we had probably come out of the womb hating each other. And that was a fact of life. There was no other way around it. We had been making each other miserable since day one. To be friends wasn’t an option. It was unthinkable. Impossible.
And then that all changed in a matter of seconds.
Sam had dropped something from her locker. A single, identifying object. One no ABDL would ever mistake. Pink and fluffy and rectangular, it hadn’t made a sound when it bounced off the floor. Nobody had seen it, nobody had noticed. But I had, I had seen it. And I knew exactly what it was. I had the same exact brand back home, buried deep in my closest, stuffed into an old suitcase. An ABU BunnyHopps, four tapes. The design was distinct. A colorful mix of pinks and purples and blues seared into my memory. It made me freeze, made my heart skip a beat, made time standstill. Sam, with a diaper. With a BunnyHopps. It couldn’t have been. Shouldn’t have been. But I had seen it clear as day, and when we finally made eye contact, the look on Sam’s face made it known that I hadn’t been mistaken. That my eyes weren’t playing tricks on me. I had been right. Sam was an ABDL… just like me. My enemy… An ABDL… just like me. It didn’t seem possible. I didn’t want it to be possible. And yet it was. It was a fact of life. And in that time, in that short, brief moment of life, an inseparable bond had been formed. A friendship for life.
There had been a week of tension, more so than usual. There was a look of fear and vulnerability in Sam’s eyes every time we passed in the hallway. The sadness held within them waiting for me to spread rumors throughout the school, waiting for me to expose her secret to everyone. But I never did, I didn’t want to. I wanted to talk, wanted to relate to someone who had the same interests and desires I had. I wanted a connection. And so, I slipped her a note, asked her to meet me somewhere to talk.
A week later, we were sitting outside the local Twistee Treat, staring in awkward silence as we ate ice cream. She had been the one to break the silence first, asking why. It was a simple question, and yet so heavy. I had thought for a moment, building up my own courage. And then I told her that I too liked BunnyHopps. It was discrete, short, honest. To any normal person, it wouldn’t have meant anything, but it made Sam’s eyes widen in shock as the realization of my statement settled in. All that hate, all that misery that had been built up over the years melted away in that one instant, in that single second.
It marked a turning point in both of our lives. So much happened in such a short time. We started talking more, started to hang out. Our ice cream dates turned to slumber parties and movie theater trips. We talked about ABDL, talked about the difficulties and anxieties we had, wore together for the first time. We became comfortable around each other. We became best friends. Even our moms started to talk and hang out. Soon after that, they hit it off and started to date. Family dinners became a thing after that, all of us together, laughing, smiling, and having a good time. We watched movies together, played games, went hiking on the weekends. It felt like we were a family. Sam and I even built up the courage one day and told our moms about ABDL. And to our surprise, neither of them seemed to care. In fact, they seemed ok with it all, curious, interested even. It was what led us to be more open with our little sides, what got us the crib and the diapers. What we hadn’t known was that our moms missed being more involved, missed having little ones to care for. And ABDL filled that gap for all of us. After years of hiding, after years of not feeling accepted by those around us, we finally had a support structure, finally felt loved for who we were. Life was good. It felt as though we were on top of the world, incapable of being thrown from our throne.
And then the pandemic hit.
Covid-19 they called it, the plight of the century, the mark of 2020, a year to never forget. School was thrust online, friends were torn from one another, and months of quarantine were in store. Somehow, life had gone from perfect too bad to worse. Everything had been torn down and broken apart just when things were finally going my way. It was life’s way of saying fuck you. And yet, somehow, our little makeshift family hung on. Through all the craziness that been thrown on top of us, despite all the changes to our lives, somehow, our bonds had grown stronger, and all of us closer. We poured our lives and feelings and experiences out to one another, learning new things about each other that we would have never guessed, things that we would have never known. We left ourselves ever more vulnerable, ever more open to betrayal and the pain and suffering it would cause. And yet, we continued. We continued because we trusted one another. We both finally had someone that understood us. Someone who understood our desires, who understood the skeletons we had buried deep within us. We could finally share our love of diapers and our ABDL sides, could finally explore this wonderful world together. We had become sisters.
With the world collapsing on top of us we had a pocket of air.
A source of relief and happiness.
A… I snapped back to reality mid-thought. Pausing for a moment, waiting for my mind to catch up. The monologue of my thoughts retreating to the depths of my brain. My eyes opened to bright light. It was shocking compared to the darkness there had been. I blinked, rubbed my eyes as they adjusted to the light. Mom was standing by the door.
I popped the pacifier out. “Were you calling me?”
“I was,” She said, walking over to the music player, turning it off. “It was quiet for a bit and I figured I should come and check on you. Everything ok?”
“Ya, I was just thinking about stuff.”
“Anything in particular?”
“What about life?”
“I don’t know, just… like… just how Sam and I spend so long at each other’s throats that we never took a break to actually get to know each other… Didn’t take the time to be friends… And then, when we finally do become friends, best friends, the world just decides to throw an entire pandemic at us.”
We made eye contact, I gave mom my signature self-pity and the world hates me look. Something that had ceased to bother her over the years.
“Well, that’s life sweetheart,” She sighed.
I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my head in my pillow. “Well, life sucks.”
I felt mom sit down, felt her hand rubbing my back. “I know, I know, but look on the bright side, at least you became friends before all this, otherwise you may never have been friends at all. And then I wouldn’t have met Jennifer and neither of us would have gotten our baby girls back.” Mom said, teasing me with the baby bit as she patted my diapered bottom. “Do you want your diaper changed?”
I rolled over, looking up at her, smiling. “No, not yet. It’s still warm, I kind of like it.”
“You always did,” Mom teased again, smiling back, “Well, let me know when you get tired of sitting in that soggy thing and I’ll come and change that cute, little butt of yours.”
“What?” She asked, playing innocent. “I get to have a little fun at least, right? I mean I am the one buying all this stuff.”
She had a point with that one. “Ya, but I’m not an actual baby, I can change my own diapers.”
“You’re closer to being my baby than you realize, sweetheart.” She said standing up, pausing for a moment, thinking. “A big baby, but still a baby.”
“Love you too, sweetheart,” She said ignoring my comment, heading for the door. She paused one last time, looked back at me. “I noticed you were listening to that CD, how is it?”
“It’s good. It helps me to forget and relax… It’s actually pretty addicting, I can see why babies love them so much.”
“Good,” Mom said, her voice was softer this time, quieter, “That means they’re working.”
I was left with a weird feeling in my gut as she left. What had she meant by there working? Why had she said I was closer to being a baby than I realized? It was already awkward enough when mom talked to me as though I were an actual baby. When she treated me as though I were an actual baby. The baby talk, the diaper pats, being asked if I needed my diaper changed. But tonight, it had been different, stranger. It felt like she was enjoying it all too much, like she was too excited. No. I shook those thoughts from my head, pushed them from my mind. It wasn’t right of me to think that way. Not after everything she had done for me. It was probably just her way of showing that she loved and supported me. That I didn’t need to feel ashamed of liking diapers. Besides, I kind of liked the attention. All those little interactions made my heart flutter with an indescribable joy. Like a child running down the stairs on Christmas morning. The feeling was priceless. Magical.
A buzz filled the room followed by a slight ping. No matter how much I wanted to be a baby, no matter how much I pretended to be a baby, there were just some things a teenager couldn’t leave behind. Some things had been too far ingrained. The cellphone was already in my hands, the message flashing across my screen. It was from Sam.
i need to talk to u NOW!!!
This had to be good. A little extra drama to finish off the night, why not?
what is it?
Seconds passed; the message indicator showed in the bottom left corner. Sam was typing. My eyes stayed locked on the screen, waiting for the juicy details to appear.
its my mom, shes going crazy… shes treating me like im an actual baby
Not the kind of drama I was expecting, but alright. My fingers worked across the digital keyboard, typing, trying to calm Sam down.
your fine, shes just having fun… my mom was literally just doing the same to me
Again, more seconds, more waiting, another message.
no, u dont understand, its different this time
what do u mean
I rolled my eyes, giving in as I hit send. She was totally overreacting, but I was happy to indulge her worries. Besides, it gave me something to do, gave me a distraction from the never-ending boredom of isolation.
Another ping, I looked down at the new response.
it just is, give me a sec, im calling u
Sure enough, seconds later the familiar tune of facetime came from my phone. I swiped up, ready to talk to Sam. What I wasn’t ready for was the look of fear and terror on her tear-stricken face. She was sitting in her room with the lights off, crying. Something was wrong. It made me sit up straighter, made me focus.
“Sam, what’s the matter, are you ok?” My voice was shaky with adrenaline.
“Shh, keep it down,” Sam hissed back, her voice a rushed whisper. “I don’t want my mom to hear.”
“Why? Sam, you need to tell me what’s going on.” I said, that shakiness turning to concern.
Sam paused, almost as if she were thinking. “I don’t know for certain… but I think it has to do with the CDs our moms got us.”
“The nursery rhymes?” My voice came out louder than I had meant.
“Shh, I told you to keep it down,” Sam hissed again, “My mom thinks I’m taking a nap.”
“Sorry, sorry… What about the CDs?”
Sam was quiet now. A look came over her eyes. They softened, her pupils seemed to distance themselves, seemed to wander off. Her thumb popped into her mouth. She looked… She looked like a toddler.
“Sam, snap out of it,” I said, “What about the CDs?”
Sam shook her head, her eyes focused again, the thumb came out of her mouth. “It’s already happening,” She whispered.
“Sam, I need you to focus, the CDs, tell me about the CDs.”
Sam nodded. “I noticed it a couple of days ago… They started to make me feel different… Act different… Like a baby… I shook it off at first, figured it was just me being weird… But it continued… the urges grew stronger.”
“What urges? Like wanting to be a baby?”
Sam nodded again. “Ya, but I have no control over them… it feels like something takes over my body… like something takes over my brain… I… I…”
That same look came over Sam’s face again, that same gaze. Her eyes seemed to wander, seemed unintelligent, as though nothing was going on behind them.
“Sam, come on… this isn’t funny, you’re starting to scare me.”
No response. She just sat there, sucking away at her thumb, looking so happy and content. A look of focus came over her face as she grunted, it looked as though she was pushing…
“Sam?.. Are you pooping?”
“poopie,” Sam giggled, her face and body relaxing again as she went back to sucking her thumb, seemingly unaware, or uncaring that she had just pooped her diaper.
“Sam, please,” I begged, on the verge of tears. “Please snap out of it, come on, focus.”
Sam looked at me with that gaze, stared at me, focused again, like she was concentrating, like she was fighting something. “Da… Da muwic… no gud… baby.”
She was still in there. I let out the breath I had been holding, let myself relax. Sam wasn’t gone, she was still there. I could still help her. “Sam, please, if you can hear me you need to fight this, come one, focus, I know you can do it.”
I waited. There was no response, no recollection from Sam’s eyes as she sat there in her poopy diaper. And then she shook her head, spit her thumb out again, focused again.
“I… I can’t help it… It’s the nursery rhymes… I think their hypnotic tapes… I think they’re meant to reprogram us into babies.”
“But why? Why would our moms do that?”
“I don’t know,” Sam said, it looked like she was fighting herself again, fighting whatever was growing inside of her. “Madi, you need to run… wet out o der… pwese…”
“Sam?.. Sam?..” Sam was gone again, this time crawling away from her phone, happily babbling to herself. She looked just like a baby, was acting just like a baby. My stomach turned in all kinds of knots watching my babyfied best friend crawling about her nursery. I felt like I was going to be sick. More panic settling inside of me as I realized that I had been listening to the same exact nursery rhymes, realizing that I had been subject to the same exact brainwashing as Sam. If everything Sam had said was true, I was destined for the same fate.
My attention snapped back as the light in Sam’s room turned on.
“Sam are you here, baby?” Sam’s mom, Jennifer, asked. A smile settled on her face at the sight of Sam crawling about. “It looks like momma’s going to get her baby back sooner than expected,” She laughed, “And somebody needs their stinky butt changed.”
“poopie, mamma,” Sam giggled.
“Yes, you definitely made a poopie for momma, baby,” Jennifer said, “Why don’t we change your diaper?”
I could see Sam nodding her head as she crawled over to her mom.
“There’s just one last thing momma needs to do, baby, just one last thing to make sure all that big girl washes away,” Jennifer said. “Baby, baby, baby.”
I could feel something washing over my body as she said those three words, could feel a warmth spreading throughout me, pulling me down. No. I couldn’t let it win. I forced my brain to fight against it, forced the feeling from my body, kept it a bay. Sam had been right. We had been brainwashed. It had been those CDs.
I turned back to the screen, watched as Sam laid back on a changing mat, now suckling a pacifier in her mouth, those empty eyes wandering about as her mom untaped her diaper. And I watched, horror-stricken, as her poopie diaper was changed. There was no fighting, was no complaining. It was simply a mother changing her baby’s diaper. Only that baby happened to be a teenager, happened to be my best friend.
Sam’s empty eyes locked onto me, focused, a hint of recognition as she smiled behind her pacifier. She pointed at me, giggling. “Madi!”
My eyes widened, panic spread through my body as I froze in place, watching in slow motion as Sam’s mom followed her daughter’s finger all the way to the phone.
“Well little miss, you weren’t supposed to see this,” Sam’s mom said, unphased as she calmly finished taping up Sam’s diaper. “It would have been easier for all of us if you didn’t know what was about to happen.”
“What… What did you do to her?” I demanded, my voice shaky, and yet demanding.
“Nothing that she didn’t want… Nothing that you don’t want.” She said, moving towards the phone, picking it up. “Both of you wanted to be babies and your mother and I both wanted our babies back… this makes it happen.”
I shook my head. “No, not like this, not in this way. You can’t just brainwash us into being babies.”
“Oh, but dear, we already have,” Jennifer said, her voice sweet and soothing, full of pity and understanding. “Sam is already gone, dear, and pretty soon you’ll be joining her as her little sister.”
“Little sister?” I asked, “What do you mean?”
“That’s nothing for you to worry your little head about right now, dear, your mother will explain everything to you in just a few minutes.”
My mother. I hadn’t even thought about her, hadn’t thought about the danger lurking in my own house. I turned off the phone, dropped it to the ground, bolted to my door, locked it shut. I looked around the room, my panicked eyes looking for anything I could use to barricade the door, wishing mom hadn’t taken my chair away.
I froze, staring at the door, listening as mom’s footsteps echoed on the stairs.
“Madi?..” The door jiggled this time. “Can you let me in, sweetheart?”
“Go… Go away!”
“Madi, I just want to talk to you, sweetheart, that’s all.”
“Go away!” I shouted, tears starting to stream down my face. “Please… Just leave me alone.”
The door jiggled again and then stopped. All was silent for a second, only my racing heart broke through the silence, and then the door swung open.
“Ha… How?” I asked, unable to spit out the words as I fell back, pushing myself into a corner, watching as mom entered the room. Her eyes were focused, a look of pity and sorrow within them as she walked closer.
“Sweetheart, there’s no reason to lock mommy out, I’m just trying to help you.”
“Mom… Please don…”
“Shh, it’s alright, sweetheart,” Mom said, “Everything is going be better in just a minute.”
“Mom, please,” I begged, crying now. “Please don’t do this.”
Mom stepped closer now, stood right in front of me, a soft smile settled on her face. “Baby, baby, baby.”
Immediately I felt warmth spread throughout my body, a tingling sensation. It crept up into my spine and over my head, forcing itself inside my brain. It begged me to let go, to let it happen, to give in to the feeling, to let it consume me.
“No,” I said shaking my head, fighting, “Please, don’t do this.” More tears dripped down my face as mom knelt in front of me.
“Don’t fight it, sweetheart,” She cooed, petting my hair, “Just let it happen. Just let me take care of you again. Let me be your mommy.”
“Baby, baby, baby…”
Another wave of warmth washed over my body, forcing my muscles to relax. It was stronger this time, irresistible. It crept up my spine again, forced its way around my body, taking it over. It felt like I was drowning inside. That last bit of life being leached from my body. It reached my brain again. An explosion of endorphins flooded my brain, made me feel so good, so happy as everything slipped away. I couldn’t fight it anymore, it was just too strong, felt so good. And then it was in control.
“Good, girl,” Mom cooed, standing up, “Now how about we change that diaper of yours.”
It was like my body was on autopilot as I crawled over to the changing mat. In my head, I kept screaming ‘no,’ but my body refused to listen, refused to respond. And so, I let mom lay me back on the changing mat, let her gather a fresh diaper and powder and wipes. And I simply laid there, sucking away at my thumb until mom slipped a pacifier in my mouth.
“There we go, all better now,” Mom cooed, rubbing my belly. “Now I know that you are scared and confused right now, and that’s ok, that’s perfectly ok,” She said, untaping my diaper, wiping down my front side. “Mommy’s going to explain everything.”
I laid there, suckling away at the pacifier, as she continued to wipe me down as though I really were a baby.
“Jennifer and I thought long and hard about this,” Mom said, lifting my ankles into the air, wiping down my bottom. “And we both wanted a kind of restart on life together, a do-over if you must, wanted to raise our kids together. And you Sam are already both Seniors which kind of killed that dream of ours.”
My ankles were set down, mom started to fan out a fresh diaper.
“That was until you both came out and told us about ABDL, told us that you liked being babied,” Mom said, sliding the fresh diaper under my bottom. “And it was like a dream come true. We wanted to have babies again, wanted to raise children together, and you both wanted to be babies.”
Powder was being dusted over my privates now and mom started to rub it in.
“All we had to do was find a hypnotist to make a program for you girls to listen to, and then, after a couple of weeks, we would be able to regress you two back to babies.” Mom said, pulling the thick padding up between my legs. “And might I say they were some splendid results.”
Mom helped me to sit up now, smiled at me as though I were some doll.
“You and Sam are going to make such perfect sisters,” Mom said, motioning for me to follow, “Sam as the rambunctious toddler, and you as the adorable infant.”
Infant? She was going to make me an infant? She led me over to the crib, helped me inside, laid me back, pulled the blanket over me, tucked me in.
“There’s just one more tape you need to listen to, sweetheart, just one more tape before I have my beautiful baby girl back,” Mom whispered, kissing me on the forehead before pulling the crib rail into place.
I watched as she moved over to the music player, watched as she popped the CD out, slid a new one in, hit play.
“It’s time to sleep now, sweetheart, and when you wake up everything will be perfect. Mommy loves you, baby girl.”
She turned the lights off before shutting the door, leaving me in total darkness, leaving me stuck, unable to move as the shooting tune of the nursery rhyme forced its way inside my head. It was so beautiful, so calming, so relaxing. I lay there, suckling the pacifier as I closed my eyes. It was just like the other rhymes I had listened to, just as addicting, just as soothing. Only now, a voice broke through. It was a woman, her voice sounded as though it had been dipped in honey, so quiet, so soothing, so sweet. I couldn’t help but listen to her, couldn’t help but relax as her voice lulled my brain into silence, into obedience. I was feeling so sleepy now, so tired. My mind started to wander, started to forget. And then everything was gone.
A. Few. Months. Later.
I was laying in my bassinet, watching Sam as she danced around the living room, playing with her make-believe kitchen set. She was so carefree, so innocent, a happy, little toddler. She was all gone now. The hypnosis had washed away her adult self, leaving behind a beautiful baby girl. I, on the other hand, was still here. All of me was. I could still remember, still think. My brain was still there, trapped behind the actions and personalities of an infant. A teen girl stuck in the body of a newborn baby. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t crawl, couldn’t even turn myself over. But that was the way our moms had planned it. They had wanted a toddler and an infant. A happy little family. And I was the infant. My life was nothing more than sleeping, eating, and diaper changes. It was boring, mundane, predictable. And I had no way to change it, no way to stop it. All I could do was hope that we would be allowed to grow up someday, that they would return us to normal at some point. But even that idea seemed to fade into the background as time went on.
My stomach rumbled, I felt a tight strain deep in my belly, felt my bowels moving. It was time to poop. And just as quickly as that feeling came, it disappeared as my body let go and pushed the warm mush into the back of my diaper. I knew it was happening but had no control over it. All I could do was wince as that watery mush spread about my diaper. An all-breastmilk diet hadn’t been kind to my systems.
And just like clockwork, my bottom lip started to quiver, tears started to form, the pacifier fell from my mouth, I started to cry and fuss. It was the wail of a newborn baby. So little, so helpless. And I had no control over it, had no ability to stop myself.
“Shh, shh, it’s ok baby, mommas here,” Jennifer cooed, leaning over my bassinet. “Why so fussy, huh little one? Did you make a stinky?”
She reached in to rub my belly, smiling down at me with a look of sympathy, love. She and mom did truly care for us and love us. They just wanted us to be their babies, that’s all.
Jennifer grabbed my pacifier coaxing it back into my mouth, holding it there until I started to suckle again, silencing my cries. “There you go, precious, there you go,” She soothed, rubbing my belly again. “Momma will get you changed, yes she will.”
And with that, she pulled me from the bassinet and laid me on the changing mat on the floor as she had, and mom had done a hundred times before. And just like all those other times, I simply laid there, suckling away at the pacifier as she unbuttoned my footed sleeper. My feet were freed, and the sleeper was pushed up and out of the way. Her hands focused on my onesie next, unbuttoning it at my crotch before pushing it up and out of the way, leaving my messy diaper exposed.
“You left a big present for momma today, didn’t you precious,” Jennifer cooed, reaching for the tapes of the diaper. “That’s ok though, momma will wipe your bottom clean no matter how messy you make it.”
The sound of tapes ripping filled the air. The stench of my messy diaper intensified, and my nose wrinkled at the smell. Jennifer seemed not to care, humming happily to herself as though she enjoyed the process of changing my diaper. As though she weren’t wiping poop off the bottom of a giant infant. My ankles were grabbed and pushed to my chest, the diaper was pulled against my bottom, wiping away most of the poop. A baby wipe followed, its chilly, damp feeling cleaning the poop off my bottom. And then the diaper was pulled out from under me, balled up, and set to the side. A fresh diaper was slid under my bottom taking its place. My ankles were set back down, my bottom laid on the fresh, thick, fluffy diaper. Some cream was applied followed by a sprinkle of baby powder, and then the padding was pulled up between my legs, the diaper taped up snugly against my tummy, trapping me in my cotton prison once again.
“All done,” Jennifer cooed happily, smiling at me as she cleaned her hands off with a fresh baby wipe. “After that big messy you must be hungry, precious.”
My stomach seemed to follow her thoughts, grumbling as she redressed me in the onesie and footed sleeper, bundling me up in layers of warm clothes, exactly like one would do for a real newborn.
She lifted me up in her arms, straining slightly with my weight as she moved me over to the love seat, sitting down with me cradled in her lap, my head cradled in her arms with my legs draped over the rest of her body. An oversized infant. I could still hear Sam playing in the playground, oblivious to the diaper change I had just experienced, uncaring, still so happy and content with her toys as any toddler would be. I was envious of her in a sense. Not knowing. It would be easier to not understand, easier to not remember.
Jennifer wrapped a blanket around us, tucked it around my body, cradled me closer, wrapping me up in further layers as she adjusted me in her lap, pushed me down further, level with her nipple. She pulled up her nursing blouse, leaving her breast on full display, her erect nipple only inches from my mouth. She brushed it against my lips, teasing back and forth, waiting for me to latch on.
And I did. My mouth opened, she pushed her nipple deep inside, letting me clamp down on it, latching on, suckling. Even if I had wanted to resist, I couldn’t. My body took over, infant me took over. My brain seemed to melt away as I nursed, my only thoughts and focus were on the warm milk as it trickled down my throat.
“There we go, good baby,” Jennifer cooed, patting my diapered bottom. “Such a good eater for momma, yes you are.”
As I laid there, nursing, I couldn’t help but think about this new life, couldn’t help but think about how I had dreamed about this. How I had wished that Sam and I had met sooner, had wished to be a baby, had wished to be a family. And all that had come true. Sam and I were now babies, sisters, and all of us were a family. And yet somehow that dream had turned into a nightmare.
And as I lay there, suckling away, nursing, drinking the warm breastmilk, my eyes started to grow heavy, sleepy as the warm milk filled my stomach. There was no reason to fight the coming sleep. Momma would rock me to sleep no matter what, would force me to nap once again. And so, I closed my eyes, taking comfort in her warmth, in the security of my diaper, in the soothing sound of her voice as she hummed to me. I let myself become a newborn, let myself accept this new life. I let my mind go dormant in my brain, let infant me take over. Finally becoming that newborn, finally forgetting who I had been. Letting that feeling of warmth wash over my body. My eyes softened as it happened, as I disappeared. And then I was gone.
“They’re beautiful, aren’t they,” A voice said, quiet, whispering. It was my mom. I opened my eyes to see her smiling down at me, watching me nurse from momma’s breast. Her eyes were so loving, so happy, so content.
“They are,” momma replied, “Our perfect little family.”