Birthday Suit

A very happy birthday to the friend I wrote this for. :birthday:

This is a seriously not serious story. Just some silly, slap-stick fun. :clown_face:

by Cute Kitten

Snow drifted in fat flakes, covering the small city in a thick layer of white like a freshly powdered and diapered behind. Cars, benches, buildings and firehydrants were all lumps hidden under several feet of April snow. This city was far north of the equator, so the cold of winter lingered longer; it wasn’t uncommon to have snow in May or even early June. Not north enough to see a polar bear, but north enough that if you travelled outside of the city to the countryside, you’d see plenty of moose. Which are way cooler than deer and they’re big enough to ride, but they don’t like being ridden and they’re kinda mean about it. Also they really don’t like it when people try to diaper them. :frowning:

But luckily there were no mean moose in the city. There was a university. It wasn’t a big one but there were plenty of students. All stuck in their dorms. Because of the cold and the whole Covid pandemic thing that everyone was sick of, both literally and figuratively. (Btw did I mention it’s like, really, really cold in this city? Cuz it’s cold. Like, really cold. Humans can get frostbite on their nipples easily. But don’t worry, the moose don’t get frost bite cuz they’re smart.)

Normally cities have people walking around and stuff, even when it’s cold and snowy out. But this city was like a ghost town today. A snow covered ghost town. And that’s enough scene setting cuz that stuff’s boring so let’s just jump to the good stuff everyone came for. The diapers, huzzah!

Wait, that’s jumping the gun a little bit. (Apologies to any readers looking for a fapfest, you can put the lube and sexy sock down for a moment.) So, our sexy six foot hero Einar, he of the good looks who was descended from Viking gods and had the blood of mighty giants in his veins, was holed up in his dorm room like all the other students. He conveniently had a whole dorm to himself- cuz his family was super rich or his roomates got expelled for getting yiffy in public in their fursuits, which ever explanation you like best. (The ex-roomates tried to sue for furry discrimination but because they got yiffy in public it was considered indecent public display so it wasn’t discrimination.)

Today was a special day. It was his birthday. And what really sucked was he was all alone, far from home, and the evil virus had him isolated from his friends and the diablolical snow killed the internet. And the power but luckily the dorms had back up generators to keep the heat and electricity on. But no internet meant no communication with his family back home. No video chats and listening to them sing happy birthday in a beautiful harmonic chorus because all his relatives were really good singers (a few were even professionals! Except they weren’t members of a super hot boyband or girlband but that’s sooo problematic and sexist and gender-phobic like the correct term is peopleband but we have to pause the story and unpack all the yikes in there but that’s soooo boring and too much emotional labor so like, educate yourself dear reader and look it up on your favorite social media. I’m sure someone will be all sorts of outraged and happy to yell at you about it. Err, I mean, educate you.)

Anyway, our poor, handsome hero Einar is stuck all alone in his dorm on his birthday. Oh and phone service was out too from all the snow. There was heavy ice that pulled powerlines down so he couldn’t even call and order himself a birthday pizza. The deadly dastardly virus locked his friends up in their dorms so they couldn’t go out and party. They couldn’t even sneak up to his dorm room and slip happy birthday cards under his door because reasons the author is too lazy to think up. So it was a really sad, tragic birthday. But at least the city wasn’t attacked by maruading polar bear pirates. See, every cloud has a silver lining!

And this one was Silver Lining premier vodka he found. Normally Einar wasn’t a drinker but today was a special and sad occassion (seriously a birthday without pizza is just tragic, right up there with the Titanic sinking). The vodka was left over from his party animal (literally, they partied hard in their fursuits) ex-roomies. (These roomies were not good examples of the furry community. In fact, they brought deep shame upon their furry brethren and last the author heard, they were cancelled in many a yiffy circle).

And thusly our intrepid hero set sail upon a sea of vodka (but don’t worry it’s not Russian) without Captain Morgan to steer the way. And when one is adrift in the ocean of inebriation, good ideas are like mirages- they seem wonderful at first but in reality are really, really bad. Luckily the sharks of reality won’t come knocking until the morning when they’re pounding his head with a sledgehammer as hard as the author is hitting home the crappy metaphors and simile abuse. (but it’s not abuse, it’s totally consensual.)

So now Einar is alone, drunk, and mourning the lack of pizza. Not piss-ass stumble around everywhere drunk, just buzzed enough to dull his critical thinking skills. He could still a straight line toe to toe and sing the CBA’s backwards, forewards, left and sideways and even do a handstand and a cartwheel (it’s a latent talent carried in Viking genes) so he’d pass a sobriety test easily even if the robot cops would be suspicious. (The author randomly decided this was set sometime in the future because sci-fi is fun!)

Einar put on normal clothes because he was a normal dude. Despite having two furry ex-roommates, he was a totally normal run of the mill everyday dude. Just your typical twenty-something college student who was majoring in math STEM stuff cuz he was smart and that’s where the money is at and having a career with lots of money was a good way to land a super hot big tittied trophy wife.

He wore his colorful anime character boxer briefs (Insert your favorite anime character here), thick wool socks to keep his feet warm, a t-shirt and his favorite purple hoodie with said anime character on it. And boots and a coat and he was out ze door. Oh and with a mask because of the virus.

That was boring to read. Out in the abandoned streets- the sidewalks were conveniently shoveled as snow continued to fall- and as our tipsy hero walked along to the local pizza shop he forgot it was closed because of the lack of power and other stuff but that doesn’t matter because he never made it.

Yes, that’s right! The plot finally shows up! Dun dun duuuuuunnnnnnn. He walked around the corner past the snow-covered blue mailbox that was covered in graffiti and moose poop. And there she was.

A beautiful red-headed woman straight out of a wet dream. (But she really wasn’t a woman, she was an evil robot nanny whose inner core AI had gone insane and made her super duper evil and bent on world domination. Sure the author could’ve shown this in character and plot development but that’s boring technical stuff that just gets in the way of what makes a story really, really, really good. And that’s diapers!)

Einar smiled in recognition. “Hi Felicia. Did you go out for pizza too?”

She smiled at him. She wore a purple coat and a raspberry beret, snow flakes falling on her luxurious red hair. Even evil former robot-nannies bent on world domination needed a college education after all. So she was disguised as a human student attending classes and she shared a few with Einar. “Um. Sure.” That sounded much better than admitting she’d been stalking him. Because that’s an evil robot thing to do, and she’s an evil robot. It’s seriously in the Evil Robot Handbook in a list of things to do. “Choose a human and stalk them.” The story would be better with more motivation than that, but it’s too much work and gets in the way of the fun.

Felicia tossed her fiery locks over her shoulder in a super sexy move and sent a flirty glance his way.

Einar just blinked, totally missing all her not so subtle signals in his inebriated state.

Felicia frowned, thinking he didn’t like her. Sure he was handsome but as an evil robot she didn’t fall in love. She just wanted him to fall into her super evil trap MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“What’s so funny? You sound like an evil supervillain.” Einar squinted at her.

Felicia immediately giggled. “So, anyway, did you get started on that big project for class X? It’s really hard to understand without in person instruction.”

“Yeah. Um. Maybe? It’s not due for a few weeks yet. I mean, I looked at it?”

She sighed and stepped closer. “Do you need help with it?”

“Woah! Safe distance! Safe distance!” Einar held his hands up in a ‘time out’ gesture as she came closer than safe six feet.

Felicia frowned and crossed her arms. “Okay, buster. I tried being nice. Screw that! There’s no one around.” She glanced around, her head rotating all the way around like that chick from the old Exorcist movie.

Einar’s eyes widened. “Y-you-”

“What?” Kindness and flirtiness fell from Felicia’s face and she looke super scary like the robot from the old Terminator movies. “I"m tired of waiting. I say hi to you all the time and you never take the bait. So now I"m going to have my way with you.”

Under other, more consensual circumstances, this would’ve sounded super sexy and Einar would’ve been all on board. “Um. Look, I think you have the wrong person. We barely even talk! You’re like some crazy stalker chick-”

Felicia held up a hand and a ray shot out of her finger. “It doesn’t matter. I chose you. Because it’s in the Evil Robot Handbook. And you rebuffed me! So now you will suffer! MWMAHAHAHAAHAH!!!” The ray made Einar’s clothes disappear, even his boxers so he was completely naked.

Then a glitch happened. Her eyes twitched and her head spun around and sparks flew literally and her voice got all robotic. “Subject. Einar. Age: 19 months. Inappropriately dressed.”

Einar yelped and cupped his privates with his hands trying to hide them. Cold bit his skin turning the creamy pale skin a delightful flushed pink. At least he still had his shoes and boots! But he was naked as the day he was born. “Felicia! I’m sorry! I’m just not into evil robots! But I won’t tell anyone! What’s wrong with you?”

Felicia didn’t respond. She just pointed her other finger at him and another ray, this one a different color, shot out. His crotch glowed then POOF! In a puff of smoke, a diaper appeared. (Let’s pause the story for a moment. For those who want to fap, now is the time to grab the lube and a sexy sock or two. Or some tissues, but they’re not as sexy as socks.)

It was a diaper. A very big diaper. A ginormous poofy crinkly super duper loud bulging bulky tremendous diaper. The godzilla of all diapers. So big and poofy and bulky it forced his legs apart in a toddler’s waddle. Layer upon layer of fluffy softness encased his privates, his butt and came up to his sternum.

The comically gigantic diaper was pink. Bubblegum pink with little pastel blue and yellow and mint ABC blocks and purple unicorns also wearing diapers. And balloons. The plastic was super thick as well and super duper trooper noisy. Like an entire Super Walmart full of plastic bags all started crinkling around at once. You’d need noise-cancelling headphones not to hear this diaper coming a mile away.

And the tabs were super duper extra extra super extra sticky and they’d only come off after he used his diaper because …because…well, don’t ask questions. Don’t question the lack of logic in this story, otherwise you’ll ruin the fun and be a party pooper and the evil robot nannies will come after you. And we wouldn’t want that, would we dear reader? Logic ruins good stories so just enjoy it and don’t think too much about it. Just trust me on this one, ladies and gentlemen. I’m as trustworthy as Felica :slight_smile:

So now we got poor Einar in a pretty crinkly noisy very big baby diaper. “Ah! What’s this!!!” He cried out helplessly. He immediately tugged at the tapes trying to remove the pink monstrosity trapped. But they were stuck tight and he’d never get them off.

“They’ll only come off when you’ve used your diaper like the baby you are!” Felicia cackled in a robotic voice. Smoke plumed out her ears.

“But I’m not a baby!”

“Yes you are! My censors say you’re one and they’re never wrong.”

“You’ve got your wires crossed and your bolts are loose, robot! Get this thing off me!”

“Never! You’re a baby who isn’t potty trained! You need your diapers like the little girl you are! Now lets get you into a pretty dress!”

Snowflakes fell on Felicia’s head and sizzled from her overheating. Sparks shot out her nose and eyes.

Einar crinkled a step back. Now, this is the part where his mighty Viking ancestors would have grabbed a sword and leapt into action, beheading the sexy but evil and malfunctioning robonanny. But the Vikings were just normal people nowadays, their horned helmets and metal brassieres living on only in the opera. And Einar didn’t own a sword, let alone know how to use it. So he was trapped like a big helpless baby in his big baby diaper.

Felicia pointed another finger at him. Sparks flew from her fingertips as she roisened up her bow- oops, nevermind. Wrong song. Err, story. Totally off topic there. My bad. A thousand apologies o padded and not-padded ones. Dark smoke billowed out her nostrils and ears. She started to shake.

Einar’s eyes widened. Forget about being stuck in a diaper and turned into a big baby, the crazy robot was gonna blow! He very much preferred being alive instead of fried and burnt to a crisp. Plus he didn’t want to end up in the ER with burns all over his body and wearing a horrible pink baby diaper! A white medical diaper could awkwardly be explained away. But this? His reputation would be ruined!

He turned and ran- well, he tried to run but the most he could do was awkwardly waddle and toddle, crinkling loudly all the way. He headed back to his apartment, waddling and crinkling, occassionally pausing to look over his shoulder.

“Hey get back here naughty baby! I’m not finished with you!” Felicia hollered but the shaking had increased along with all the steam and smoke.

Einar waddled around a corner just in time to hear a big BOOOM followed by billowing smoke and the smell of singed oil. That was sure to attract attention! He gulped and waddled faster.

Down the block he went, passed closed store after closed store and closed restaurant. Sweat poured down his forehead despite the cold. Crinkling filled his ears and he was sure everyone everywhere could hear it, and he was sure everyone in the apartments above the stores were looking out their windows. As he hurriedly waddled along, he frantically checked the apartment windows but he didn’t see any faces.

What if someone recorded this and put it up on youtube or tiktok? Diapered streaker! His heart pounded in his throat. He tried to waddle faster and almost slipped on some ice. He fell on his bum but luckily the super thick padding saved him from getting hurt. Heck he didn’t even fill it; it was like landing on a giant cushion strapped to his ass.

Awkwardly he got back up and waddled on all the way back to his apartment. His breath condensed in the cold air and his nipples tingled with the wintery chill. His skin was pink with cold.

He soon made it back home. Luckily his keys and wallet didn’t disappear with all his clothes. Safe back in his apartment, he waddled to the kitchen and was about to cut the diaper off when he paused and thought about it. The padding was kind of nice. All soft and warm and soothing like a hug on his butt. Maybe he’d leave it on for a little longer. Not like anyone would see him.

Now don’t tell Einar this, but in the morning there was a very awesome surprise waiting for him. It was on the news, all over social media. DIAPER STREAKER! Except Einar got very lucky and none of the people in the apartments above managed to film his face. Just his thickly padded backside as he waddled away.


I think Leonard Cohen said it best in his song “Take this waltz”:

Leonard Cohen-moment