ashlyn's secret chapter 1

i’ve always enjoyed reading these stories and have always wanted to do one of my own so please read it and let me know what you think i do want feedback thank you :slight_smile:

Ashlyn winters looked out the window at the passing scenery. Her mind wandered not for the first time that day. She smiled as she remembered the first time she met her boyfriend . As she was going to see him for the first time. Like many modern couples they had met online, but unlike many they had a very special relationship. not only were they boyfriend and girlfriend but they were also a daddy and his little girl. She was so excited to see him they had been talking for a little over a year now. She never expected this of all things he was everything she ever wanted and more. Though as much as she knew he cared for her she couldn’t help being a little nervous, all the what if’s ran through her mind, what if he didn’t like her in person, what if he didnt show up, what if he found out who she really was… Well no matter! she couldnt let that happen she wouldnt let that happen…… She was so worried she didn’t even see that they were landing. She need not have worried if she knew her daddy’s thoughts were along the same path as hers at that very moment.

Brandon price paced the waiting area of the airport he couldn’t seem to calm his nerves. What if she missed her flight, what if she got scared and had ran out at the last minute. The flight annoucer broke into his tortured thoughts FLIGHT 314 ARIVING AT GATE B. FLIGHT 314 ARIVING AT GATE B. This was it, this was her flight, he walked toward the gate everything else around him blurring into the background he saw one passenger after another get off “where was she?” he worried; he fought his way through the crowds and thats when he spotted her as she steped off the plane, she was a pettie 5’4 with the cutest brown hair and brown eyes. She looked so small maybe weighing 125 at the most, she was perfect. their eyes locked and she took his breath away, she was more beautiful than he could have imagined. He started moveing toward her and in one swift motion wraped her In a warm embrace and gave her the sweetest kiss one so gentle and loving that everyone else disappeared, and all his tortured thoughts melted away in that moment, he would have loved to stay that way forever.

Aly had been one of the last ones off the plane " i have to keep my cool she thought" she stepped off the plane and looked around there were so many people. How would she find him?, but before she even finished the thought, she spotted him. He was 5’11 with brown curly hair and the most beautiful brown eyes she had ever seen, that were so soft and loving she could have melted in the deep dark pools and in that moment their eyes locked. He held her gaze with so much love and affection she knew in then there was nothing to worry about. He started walking toward her and before she even knew what was happening he wraped her is his arms and gave her the most special of kisses not the kind born out of pure passion but one of genuine love and affection she could have stayed like that forever.

Brad looked at his beautiful baby girl and knew she was the one for him. He couldn’t imagine being happier with any other girl.
“are you ready to go” brad asked warmly as he grabed her hand in his. She smiled and nodded, he loved when she smiled it lit up her entire face. He bent down and kissed her forehead softly as they turned and walked out headed for home.

There! Brad stood admiring his handiwork “how’s that baby?”
Aly smiled and looked at her now well padded waist “It’s good daddy aly smiled can I go play now?”
“Of course u can baby but stay close it’s a big park and I don’t want you wandering off.”
“otay daddy” she lisped through her paci, as she was broken out of her thoughts. That was almost a year ago now that they had met. She had known even then he was the one for her he was loving, kind, gentle, and caring, they had gone through there rough patches but they made it through with flying colors. “now if only I could tell him” aly thought as a single tear slid down her cheek “no! She wouldn’t think about that now…” she still had time, she couldnt think of what lie ahead…… Right now there were some swings with her name on it.

Brad watched his precious little girl play he loved how innocent and sweet she looked. she could care less ppl were looking at her she was there to have fun and thats what made it all the more special. But lately he had known something was wrong he’d had the feeling for awhile but it was getting worse she kept breaking down in tears for no reason at all. She was also very moody most the time and he just didn’t know what to do. He knew something was wrong…. But she wouldn’t tell him he didn’t want to force her he figured she’d tell him when she was ready but he was really starting to worry about her… He hoped whatever was wrong she would tell him soon before things escalated to far…. He knew what was going to happen if things got that far and he couldn’t stand the thought…. “plez lord watch over aly help her to know I’m here for her and to trust me” he prayed it was all he could do at this point no matter what he could always turn to his heavenly father in prayer.

Aly was getting sleepy on the car ride home brandon realized she had skipped her nap today and no doubt was going to be a very crabby little girl. Aly’s thoughts were in a completely different direction that car seemed familar…. It was a black sudan…. It seemed like the one that had been parked outside there house… She shrugged it off all she could do right now was hope and pray it was nothing…

They finally arrived home Aly had fallen asleep she looked so peaceful when she slept like she didnt have a care a in the world brad picked her up and carried her inside. Brad brought her in and layed her on the bed took of her jacket and shoes and tucked her in. He realized for the first time he was pretty sleepy as well he he slipped it to some sweats and crawled into bed next to her and he soon was asleep as well.
Brad was awoken from his dreams by an ear pirceing scream he jumped it took him a moment to realize it was aly she was having another nightmare " aly, Aly!" brad said soothingly as he wraped his arms around her she was shaking “aly sweet heart wake up it’s just another bad dream sweetie” he cooed as he gently shook her awake.

Aly was awakened by the soft and soothing voice of her daddy she was sweating and shaking she had that awful nightmare again…. She was still so scared she clung to brad and just let him hold her she could still hear him, and see him when she closed her eyes it was dark and cold…… and that face…. still sent a chill down her spine…. She was running out of time and she knew it but for right now she just wanted to stay here with her daddy he made her feel soo safe and protected and loved…… Maybe she could tell him…… “no! I can’t…!” she told herself " if I tell him I’ll put him in harms way no it was better this way…" she just hoped she could believe that when the time came….

Brad just sat holding aly in his arms she was finally beginning to calm down he was really starting to worry about her…. The nightmares were only getting worse… Brad held her close and realized she was wet. “that’s strange she hadnt been alseep more more than a few minutes….” he thought he wondered if she even noticed lately that had been happening alot he didn’t mind at all but it was just one more thing that made him worry about her emotional state. Brad picked her up “come on baby let’s get u cleaned up then”
Aly had been in her own world left with her tortured thoughts she hadn’t even noticed she was wet or even when she had wet for that matter that worried her a little… It was going to be harder to leave than she had originally thought…
Brad layed her down on the bed and got everything he was going to need “but even now he could tell something was really wrong he had to try bringing it up again…”
He thought as he got the lavender scented powder she loved so much he laughed as he remembered when she had tried to see what it smelled like the first time she had squeezed the bottle so hard powder had went every where! she was white all over and oh so cute! the memory made him smile as he grabbed the lotion.

Aly layed on the bed still worried but she loved how gentel her daddy was. He had gotten all her favorite things for her which she always loved. Aly loved how gentle he was. Brad started talking as he untapped her now soggy diaper
“aly honey you know you can tell me any thing right?”
“I know daddy” she said in the smallest and most vanurable voice brad had ever heard
“sweetie I’m here for you no matter what u know that?” brad said as he rubbed in the lotion
“I know…….” aly said in such a queit voice he almost couldn’t hear her….
Brad sighed… He couldn’t help but wonder what was causing her soo much grief… He sprinkled the powder on and tapped up her teddy bear diaper she loved teady bears. She always tried to name all the ones on it and he thought it was absolutely adorable.
“there we go sweetheart why don’t you go play for awhile?” he said as he gave her bottom a quick pat she looked soo cute in her care bears T shirt with her teddy print diaper and paci in her mouth soo little an innocent. Just like it should be he thought.
Aly ran off to the playroom singing twinkle twinkle brad laughed at her antics he sat down still trying to figure out what to do he decided to go to the one person he knew could help him right now so he started to pray.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

that was great. looking foward to next installment!

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

He was 5’11

Stop it. Please, please, please, for God’s sake, stop giving me height and weight dimensions.

  1. Even though this stuff was placed in the narration instead of an info dump, it still sticks out like a sore thumb. “He was so tall” and "she was tiny would have sufficed.

  2. 125 pounds is not small for 5’4". My wife is 5’4" and 115, and she groans regularly about her shape.

Regardless, measurements give a clinical feel to your narration, which really ruins the mood.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

Brad

So what is his name? Is it Brad or Brandon?

Ashlyn winters

Aly

Once again, what is her name? Is it Ashlyn or Aly?

Neither Brad nor Aly is short for Brandon or Ashlyn, as far as I know.

Her mind wandered not for the first time that day. She smiled as she remembered the first time she met her boyfriend . As she was going to see him for the first time.

^^Stopping and starting like this is something you need to avoid.

He started moveing toward her and in one swift motion wraped her In a warm embrace and gave her the sweetest kiss one so gentle and loving

^^This is from Brad/Brandon’s perspective

He started walking toward her and before she even knew what was happening he wraped her is his arms and gave her the most special of kisses not the kind born out of pure passion but one of genuine love and affection she could have stayed like that forever.

^^This is from Ashlyn/Aly’s perspective. I don’t know why, but I feel that Ashlyn/Aly’s perspective needs to be before Brandon/Brad’s.

This story has potential. There are various spelling errors that are easy to fix if you use spell check and proof reading. There are also some unnecessary capitalization and some things that needs to be capitalized, like last names and first letters of new sentences.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

Everyone’s already pointed out the important things, but…

“He started moveing toward her and in one swift motion wraped her In a warm embrace and gave her the sweetest kiss…”

My program said “raped her in a warm embrace!” lol

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

Thanks for the feedback as for the the way they looked I wanted to add more information because alot of story’s don’t have enough in my opionion but I also could have put it in better. as for the names aly is a nickname so is brad ik it’s a bit a of stretch but I liked the long names but I also liked those particular nicknames and I figured people could make the jump but I’ll prob throw something in there on how they got the nicknames Overall thanks for the feedback i hope u like the next one :slight_smile:

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

Yeah, I should apologize for that - I took out a year plus worth of frustration reading these stories on you. It drives me completely up a wall when people give out-of-context dimensions like that. For a look at how to insert them (if you must) tastefully into your story, take a peek at Lucid Dreamer’s current work in progress, Project Children.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

snickers

Major singular/plural agreement problem here. Technically, you made everything singular, but “all the grammatical error” is nonsensical. Hence, you should have either gone all plural, as in:

The things that (or, to be clearer, “What”) bugged me most, honestly, was were all the grammatical errors.

or changed “all the grammatical error” to a singular (with plural prep. phrase supporting) that made sense, as in:

The thing that bugged me most, honestly, was all the grammatical error the proliferation of grammatical errors.

Here, “proliferation” is absolutely singular, where “all” can be singular or plural based on the prepositional phrase that supports it. “all (of) the grammatical errors” makes “all” plural.

Your other alternative was to substitute the noun “error” with something that made sense singular, as in:

The thing that bugged me most, honestly, was all the grammatical error (abuse? butchery? laziness? incompetence?).

Sorry. I only get this pedantic when someone flubs their own grammar while criticizing someone else’s. :smiley:

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

So is it just me, or was no one else bothered by the fact that he is picking her up at the gate instead of in baggage claim? You haven’t been able to get to the gate without a boarding pass since Sept 11, 2001.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

“He started walking toward her and before she even knew what was happening he wraped her…”

Two rapes in one story! Guy’s got issues…

I need to quit browsing with a drink in the other hand. Keyboards don’t like being sprayed.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

I don’t know if you knew you were doing this, but you used a few text words. You said ppl instead of people and plez instead of please and I think u instead of you. Granted there are only a few you should definately try and weed them out of your story before you post. For me, and I know that I’m not the only one who feels this way, but text speak can really kill a story.

Apart from that I cant really offer any more advice, I will be keeping an eye on this story to see how it progresses and see if I can offer any more advice

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

I meant to say something about that but I forgot by the time I mentioned all of the other errors.

Re: ashlyn’s secret chapter 1

For the sake of, potentially, helping someone who seems to want (ie - is willing to take constructive criticism) to write well: Show and don’t tell. Your writing could be so much more dynamic if you didn’t spell everything out. We didn’t need to know about the special relationship Aly and Brad have ahead of time. They are in a relationship. Ok, good enough for now. Later, when they’re together, you can reveal that in their actions without actually having to write, at any point, “He was the daddy/she was the baby.”

Just an example, but something to keep in mind.

Normally, I don’t think I’d bother saying much about it, but judging from your OP, you seem to have a desire to want to write, and there’s an awful lot of really good suggestions in this thread.