Another Try

This is my first try for writing online, and my first effort in writing anything of length in a while. At least in English anyway… But please give it a try. Diaper content will be introduced slowly, but for now this is just intro.

March 20, 2014

Rachel didn’t like walking alone.
The night was cold in the Minneapolis winter as the 22 year old brunette, breathed into hands as she walked, wishing she had brought something heavier to wear instead of just her red pea coat.
Overall it had been an enjoyable evening, she had gone with a couple of friends to a showing of “Othello” at the Ordway Theater, and had lively conversation about the play over coffee afterward. She had walked her two friends, sophomores met at book club, to their dorm, and proceeded to walk to her little apartment just outside the University of Minnesota.
“I wish Naomi didn’t have to take the car.” She muttered to herself, regretting that her roommate and best friend from high school hadn’t been called into work at the last minute taking the car. She hated walking alone at night.
As she walked through campus, her long black hair fluttering in the cold wind, she began to hear the sounds of drinking, shouting, and rioting growing nearer and the she noticed groups of broken beer bottles on the side of the street. As the chorus of misbehavior and delinquency grew closer, she clucked to herself, “Honestly, every time one of our sports teams win anything, anarchy follows”. She decided it would be prudent to take a route around the rioting.
Just as she was approaching the outskirts of campus she was nearly trampled by a large, stumbling frat boy in a backwards U of M cap as he stumbled around the corner, scaring half to death. She quickly recovered, judging him to have been separated from his frat boy friends and was now just stumbling along . She shook her head and began to tip toe around him. She was about to cross the street when she felt a heavy, sweaty hand grab her arm by the elbow.
“Hey, hey, you know wha jus happened?” The frat boy asked in a stupor, grinning mischievously,
“No, and I don’t ca-”
“WE WON!! WHOOOooo!” he shouted cutting her off and trying to engage her in some sort of celebratory dance, still not relinquishing her arm. “Let me go, asshole, leave me alone!” she said gritting her teeth and trying remain calm, he was clumsy and a little fat, but she just couldn’t get free from his stubborn grip.
“Hey, hey, we sho go somewhere and celebrate baby,” he said lowering his voice and trying to bring her closer and puckering his lips for a kiss. The smell of his breath, laden with cheap beer was enough to send her over the edge and with a violent scream she twisted and kicked him in the shin with the heal of her boot.
“Aw, fuck, you fucking bitch! What was that for!” he screamed and roughly pushed her to the frozen sidewalk.
The fall left her dazed for a moment and when her head cleared she saw the drunken frat boy lumbering over to her and swearing to himself. “You thing you betta than me?” he slurred, I’m gonna fuck you up, you bitch!" She got up and tried to run but he managed to grap her shoulder and start dragging her back to him with one arm and with the other he covered her mouth just as the scream for help was just leaving her lips. She began to fear the worst as he pulled her closer, when the frat boy suddenly released his grip with grunt.
She quickly turned around to see the frat struggling with another shorter and leaner man, her savior dodged a poorly aimed punch from the frat, grabbed his arm and guided him slowly to the ground whispering “Alright bud, that’s enough” repeatedly. “Are we gonna have more trouble buddy?” He asked before letting the beaten frat go, the frat boy whimpering and quieting apologizing. The young man, wearing a gray, raggedy hoody with the hood on turned to her started to say “You alrigh- aaahhh!!” The frat, apparently down but not finished had grabbed his right arm and twisted it behind him, the young man screamed in agony, shifted his weight wrenched his arm free and turned on his assailant again. The drunk stood no chance as the young man began pummeling him with a flurry of punches, knocking him down with a left uppercut.
But he was not done, the young man began battering the frat boy’s face furiously. The frat no longer fighting, only begged his now berserk opponent to stop.
Seeing she was out danger Rachel quickly ran to help the person, who a moment ago had tried to assault her.
“Stop it! That’s enough already!” she shouted. The boy turned to her with a angry snarl, but immediately regained himself. His hood was now off and she could see his face. He had short, red hair cut in a buzzed fade and was clean shaven. He looked familiar, but she couldn’t remember from where.
“You should be more careful, riots tend to occur when we win the Frozen Four.” he muttered turning his eyes down, and starting to walk away with a limp across the street with one last look to the frat, who had started to crawl away. She began to follow him across the street, trying to figure out when he been hit in the leg during the fight , when he stopped, stooped down and picked up a discarded cane.

“Thank you” Rachel said as she reached him, “Are you oka-” “I’m fine” the young man grumbled abruptly, limping away. Rachel wasn’t comfortable with just leaving him so she continued to walk with him.
“Do I know you from somewhere? I think I’ve seen you before.” she inquired trying to remember.
“Not likely, I just got here after I got discharged from the Air Force” he replied.
“Oh, you’re not from around here?” she remarked.
“Well, I grew up in Lakeville, about 20 minutes south of the cities, but I’ve been in the military for the last 3 and half years.” he said beginning to quicken his pace a little. “Well, this is where I get off.”
They had reached a recently redone apartment complex, where Rachel had considered moving to herself before choosing her own apartment for less.
“Wait, I grew up Rosemount, where did you go to high school?”
“Rosemount” he answered. And than she remembered.
“Kyle Budwig?” she asked knowing already.
“Yeah” he said surprised.
“Its me, Rachel Shervy”
“Oh.” He said his face suddenly looking distant. He shrugged. “Nice seeing you.” he muttered as he turned away and shut the door behind him.

Another Try

I couldn’t read this…it might be a good start, but the format is killing my eyes >.<

Another Try

I thought it was an interesting start but yes the formatting needs some work. Paragraphs are your friend! Put spaces between every paragraph; it makes it much easier to read. Also every new line of dialogue show be a new paragraph.

Keep writing I’ll be waiting to hear more!

Another Try

I must say, plot-wise, this is pretty interesting.

Other than the formatting issues already brought up, I don’t think there are any other issues with this story. If this really IS your first attempt at an English Language story (BTW what language do you normally write in, anyway?), it’s a good one.

Please do carry on. I’m pretty interested at where this is heading to.