I’ve been enjoying writing this, which is a change from how I’ve felt about working on the horror thing, so I’ve managed to get this one done today too.
Hope you like it,
Grace sat on the couch, hugging her knees as she cried. “How could I have been so stupid?!” she screamed at the coffee table the next day.
She had been terrified when she opened her eyes and realized that Alex was watching her suck on her paci. The way he was looking at her made her want to run away. She just wanted to get out of his sight. The breeze on her legs caused her to look down and she wanted to shrivel up right there; he had seen her wet diaper. She had known there was nothing she could say that would explain it. Running had been her only option. At least that way, he didn’t keep looking at her like there was something wrong with her.
When she got to the bedroom, she tore the diaper and t-shirt from her body, throwing them violently into the trashcan. The shower was where she cried for a long time, as she washed the pee smell from her body. Once she had gotten adult clothing on, she took several deep breaths and sat down to think.
It was her fault this had happened. She had hid this for their entire marriage, never letting on about her infantile desires. She had always been so careful, making sure the trash was taken out, and that everything stayed hidden. Never before had she gone out to the livingroom dressed in nothing but a diaper and a t-shirt on the first day he was gone. She always waited until the second day in case something happened.
After some thought, she knew why she had taken the risk this time. The week had been stressful. Her college classes were more difficult than usual, with statistics and calculus at the same time. This was the beginning of the semester, and that was always a rough time. She was only two semesters from her degree, and was just trying to get it over with.
She had sat there for almost an hour before deciding that she had to face him. Alex hadn’t done anything wrong, she did. The fear of what he would do now made the walk down the hall harder than anything she had ever done before.
The first thing she saw was the damming evidence of her immaturity sitting on the coffee table in all it’s glory. Even despite, or perhaps because of everything that happened, she couldn’t help wanting to pick it up and nurse the juice from it. When Alex asked her to sit down, she wanted to put the bottle out of sight, but he insisted she leave it there. Seeing it sitting there, and not being able to use it was hard with her anxiety level so high.
Her feeling of inadequacy was incredible when he asked her why. She had no idea why. It would have been so much easier if she didn’t have these needs. She had felt humiliated beyond measure when he mentioned her wet diaper, but nothing beat the humiliation she felt when he asked if it was a sexual thing. Grace knew that there were folks out there that felt that way, but for her, it was different. She wanted the security and comfort of having and using her baby things. She also longed for the opportunity to have someone share this experience with her.
That was perhaps the hardest question of all. Did she want Alex to treat her like a baby? Grace knew without a doubt that she would jump at the chance if she had it.
That brought her back to the present, and she cried some more. She honestly wondered whether he would want to still be a part of her life, let alone baby her. The one glimmer of hope came from Alex handing her the bottle and telling her he wanted her to sleep in the guest room. If he was completely opposed to her behaving this way, then he would never have done that. Even when she had betrayed his trust, he thought about her feelings and needs. This was the reason she had been steadfast in answering his questions honestly; even the one about messing in her diaper. As humiliating as that had been, she wasn’t going to lie to him ever again.
He was gone now, probably already in Phoenix by now. She missed him. More than that, she missed things being the way they were before she had been so stupid.
It was difficult, but she put these thoughts aside, taking the time to work on her assignments. She had lost a day, because she had been in no mood to work on anything yesterday while Alex was out thinking. She wished he had come home before she went to bed. She would have liked to feel his arms wrapped around her, and his kiss before he left.
At seven thirty, the phone rang. “Hello?”
“Hi honey,” Alex replied.
She couldn’t help the tears, or when she said, “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” he told her softly. “I need to ask some more questions, is that okay?”
“Yes. I promise, I’ll answer anything you want to ask, and I’ll be honest.”
“Good,” he said, and she heard the relief in his voice. “What is it you’re looking for when you put on a diaper?”
He doesn’t start easy does he? she thought. “Comfort, security, stuff like that,” she answered, not hesitating. He needed to see that she was going to be forthright.
“And the pacifier?”
“The same, just like the bottle and Fluffy.”
“Fluffy?” he asked.
Blushing, she answered, “My bunny.”
Grace was so grateful he didn’t laugh at her, it made her eyes water. “Thank you.”
“For not laughing at me,” she cried.
“Look honey, I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just trying to understand, okay?”
“Okay.” That was all she trusted herself to answer.
He waited a moment, and asked, “What about using the diapers? What do you get from that?”
She recognized that he was working hard to keep his voice neutral, and that made her tears worse. She appreciated it, but that told her that he had a problem with the fact she used them. “It makes it more real.”
“What do you mean?”
She took a second to think, and then offered, “When I go, I can feel it. Every time I move, I feel it. It’s impossible to ignore, and I feel more like a baby.” She couldn’t believe she had said that. She had actually used the word baby.
“Okay, so that’s what you’re after then? Feeling as close to a baby as possible?” he asked.
“That’s why you told me you wanted me to treat you that way. It would make you feel more like a baby if I cared for you, right?”
“What would you get out of that?” he asked, his curiosity plain in his voice.
For the first time since he had discovered her, she felt real hope. He wasn’t disgusted, he was curious. Maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t leave her. “Love,” she answered simply.
“But I do love you honey,” he replied, a touch of hurt in his tone.
“I know,” she cried, her tears back in a flash. “It means the world to me that you do, I swear it. It’s different though, a lot different. It’s difficult to explain,” she finished, frustrated tears streaming down both cheeks. Before he could say anything else, she said, "When we’re together as adults, it’s beautiful. It’s…exciting and comfortable all at the same time. I know you love me, I can feel it in your touch, and see it in the way you look at me.
Being babied would bring warmth and a different kind of love. One that has nothing to do with how sexy I look, or how smart I am. This one has everything to do with being close, and leaving myself vulnerable, but knowing that you’d never hurt me. One that makes me feel that you’d love me no matter what I did. I’m sorry, I’m not doing a good job of explaining, I know," she cried.
“It’s okay, you’re doing fine honey. I think I’m starting to understand a lot better. That’s why you didn’t want kids, isn’t it? You didn’t want to have to watch me give them what you wanted.”
That scared her. He had wanted kids. “Yes,” she answered honestly. Would he hate her now? “It would hurt,” she cried.
They talked for an hour more, before Alex hung up the phone. He was astounded that Grace had been able to keep this a secret all this time. The internet had given him a lot of information on infantilism, and he had used that to put his questions together. It had been difficult navigating the different sites. He couldn’t help feeling repulsed every time he opened a site that was sex oriented and included diapers. The relief he felt that Grace wasn’t looking for that made what she was looking for easier to take.
After all, she was simply looking for love. How could anyone be disgusted by that? It wasn’t a perversion, or a sexual fantasy, but an honest desire to feel secure and loved.
He spent another hour looking for information, and stumbled upon a site by a woman named Kathy Stringer. He must have read through everything there about the subject. When he was done, he finally went to bed, and lay there thinking about all of this. It was after one when he finally fell asleep.
The meetings the next day went well, and he even managed to keep his mind on the task at hand, instead of being distracted by his wife’s unique desires. By the end of the day, he felt good about the prospects of closing this deal. There were only two things left to iron out, and he should be able to do that in the next day or so. With any luck, they would sign the paperwork by Thursday and he’d be on his way home.
What to do then? That was the question he entertained as he sat eating his dinner at the hotel restaurant. He had to decide several things, and decided to finish his meal and wait to answer these questions until he got back to his hotel room.
Forty minutes later, he sat writing at the desk in his room. When he’d finished writing, he read over the questions again, making sure he hadn’t left anything out. Now it was time to answer them.
The first one was easy. After researching the issue, and talking with Grace, he understood better. He didn’t even write his answer, he just crossed the question ‘should I stay with Grace’ out. She was an incredible woman, even if she did have unique desires. He knew he was kidding himself if he thought he could leave her over something like this.
The rest were a lot harder, and it took three hours to answer them. The fact that he had to go over them several times, and force himself to be honest didn’t make the process any easier. By the end of the night, he had made his decisions, and while he knew this wasn’t going to be easy, he was going to stand by what he had written down.
He felt bad when he called Grace at nine. He knew she would be waiting on edge to talk to him, scared he had decided to leave her.
“Hi honey, how was today?”
He heard the anxiety in her voice. “Good. Listen, I want to make something very clear to you. I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and you are my wife, and that isn’t going to change, understand?”
The crying on the other end cut deep. He felt bad that he had taken so long to make that decision.
“I love you,” she cried.
“I love you too honey, more than anything. We’ll figure this out, okay?” he told her, talking past the lump in his throat.
“Okay,” was all she could get out.
He sat listening to her cry, occasionally offering comforting words. He deserved to have to listen as he saw it. He had taken entirely too long to admit he wasn’t going anywhere.
When she settled down, they began talking about other things, and that seemed to help Grace more than anything else. He was sure she just wanted things to go back to the way they were. He knew better though. They could never go back, only forward.
When he hung up the phone, he grabbed his legal pad, and began formulating a plan. It was midnight before he was finished, and finally got to bed. He was glad the meetings would start at ten tomorrow. With any luck, they would be done tomorrow, and he’d be about two hundred thousand dollars richer.
It was twelve forty five the next afternoon that the CEO of the company extended his hand to Alex, and said, “Well Alex, I think we have a contract.”
Alex smiled, shook the man’s hand, and replied, “I think we’ll both make out well with this arrangement.”
“Yes, I do believe you’re right young man. It’s been good doing business with you, but unfortunately, I need to tend to some other matters.”
“Thank you George. I’ll make sure to get the preliminary numbers to you by the end of next week.”
“That’ll be fine. Have a good trip home, and wish the little lady my best.”
“I certainly will, thank you,” Alex answered, and watched the man walk from the room. He had actually done it. This was the largest contract the company had ever won, and he had been the one responsible for it.
He gathered the signed papers, put them in his briefcase, and after shaking some of the VP’s hands, left the building. His flight wasn’t until five thirty. The first thing he did was call his boss Kevin Reed and let him know the good news.
“That’s fantastic news Alex, congratulations!”
“Thank you sir, I’m glad I pulled it off.”
“Oh, I never had any doubts. You worked hard, and it paid off, it’s that simple,” Mister Reed assured him.
“I’m just glad I didn’t let you down,” Alex replied, knowing he would have been devestated if he had.
“Nonsense. You did fine.”
“Can I ask a favor?”
“What is it?”
“I’d like to take some time off.”
“How much time? It’s going to take a lot of work to get the numbers together by next week.”
“I can work on them while I’m gone, and I’ll be back in the office on Tuesday,” Alex responded.
“I don’t have a problem with that. Sure, take the time, you’ve earned it.”
“Thank you sir, I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. Is there anything else? I have a meeting starting in ten minutes, and I need to look over my notes.”
“No, that’s about it. I’ll see you on Tuesday then,” Alex answered, overjoyed that he had the time off.
“Alright, you enjoy your long weekend. I’ll see you then.”
Alex hung up the phone, and resisted the urge to do a jig right there in the street. A moment later, he dialed his best friend.
“Hi Tom, how’s it going?”
“Oh, it’s going alright. I don’t have to ask how you’re doing though, I can hear it in your voice. You landed it didn’t you?”
“Yes I did.”
“Hot shit!” Tom yelled. “I’m glad to hear it buddy.”
“I was wondering if you would do me a favor? Several of them in fact,” Alex asked, hating to impose on his friend, but not knowing how else to do it.
It took twenty minutes for Alex to explain what he had in mind. It became necessary to give Tom a short explanation about what had happened, and he was feeling guilty that he had shared that with anyone, until he thought about it afterward. He knew Tom from high school for crying out loud, and knew he would honor his word to keep it to himself.
“Thanks for helping, I really appreciate it,” Alex told him.
“No problem buddy, you’ve been there for me many times, and I’m glad to be able to return the favor. I’ll see you at seven thirty.”
“Alright, thanks again.”
He used the internet to look up the number to a resort he had been looking at for his next vacation and dialed it. Twenty minutes later, everything was set.
Alex felt good as he settled in to his seat on the aircraft. He found out when he checked in at the gate, that Mister Reed had had his secretary call and upgrade his ticket to first class. He would be more comfortable, and that would make it easier to make the four hour drive to the resort. He smiled as he considered the plans he had put into place.