A Sweet Little Angel 1

Maria Christina Diaz is a sad little 11 year old girl. Maria suffers from Achondroplasia Dwarfism and although her family accepts her condition, most of her classmates don’t. Her Teacher never stops them from harassing her. Because of her condition, Maria being only 3 foot 8 inches tall and weighing only 48 lbs is forced to wear a size 3T in toddler clothing and her classmates find that amusing and have no idea of the kind of harm they are causing Maria with their insensitive jokes and comments. Maria knows that she is an adorable child with coal black shoulder length hair and large dark eyes and can’t understand why all the other kids with to continue to pick on her. She knows that she is fun and intelligent. There are so many great things about her and only her size is causing her these problems.

Today, like most days, Maria returned from school and made her way to her room where upon looking into her closet full of toddler clothing she again begins to cry softly. Maria thinks more and more that she would just be better off if she were a baby and wouldn’t have to deal with the problems of growing up and the harassment from her classmates. Maria really doesn’t understand why she thinks being a baby would solve her problems but because of her size the thinks that is the only answer. Maria has a desire to tell someone of her wishes but at the same time she is scared because she believes it will only cause further ridicule.

Maria knows deep down that she must go on and while sitting on her bed trays to clear her mind. Doing so she takes in the scene around her. Her bedroom walls and ceiling are painted white. Her bedroom flooring is white tiles. Her bedroom set is a full size bed with a headboard and footboard, two 3-drawer nightstand, a 7 drawer dresser and vertical mirror, a full size armoire, a vanity/computer desk, and a desk chair. All the furnishings are white. The bedroom collection is named Isabella. The bedroom set is manufactured by Young America by Stanley. The bedding set consist of a comforter, a flat sheet, a fitted sheet, two pillowcases, and two shams. The Beddings set is named Isabella. The bedding set is manufactured by California Kids.

The bed is against one wall, the two nightstands are on either side of the bed. On the first nightstand has a white lamp base with a pink lamp shade, a white alarm clock, and a figurine. On the second nightstand has a white lamp base with a pink lamp shade, a white frame with a picture of Maria and her younger sister Ana Alicia Diaz dressed in their Christmas dresses, and a book. The dresser and the vertical mirror against another wall. On the dresser there’s a glass mirrored perfume tray with perfume bottles on it, another white frame with a picture of Maria dressed in her first Communion dress, and a crystal vase with fake pink rose and fake green leaves. The armoire was against the wall beside the closet. The desk and desk chair against another wall. On the desk a white diary book with a white pen and a white lamp base with a pink lamp shade. On the wall where the headboard is leading against it there’s a big white frame with a painting of a big pink rose. On the wall beside the bedroom door there’s a white frame with another picture of her dressed in her First Communion dress. Maria knowing that this is the room of a young lady but still distraught over her feelings grabs her stuffed teddy bear and lies down on her bed. Having her door closed and believing that no one can overhear her Maria begins telling her bear of her feelings.

“Linda, I’m confuse about my feelings about being a baby.” Maria said.

“I hope Mami and Papi don’t get upset with me when I tell them about my feelings to become a baby Linda.” Maria said through tears.

Alicia Maria Diaz was standing outside of her daughter’s bedroom doorway the whole time Maria was talking to her bear Linda. Alicia cried listening to her daughter’s tearful confession to her bear Linda. Alicia compose herself before opening Maria’s bedroom door. Alicia is 37 years old. Alicia opened Maria’s bedroom door and walked into Maria’s bedroom. Alicia walked to Maria’s bed and sat down on it beside Maria. Alicia pulled Maria into her lap and wrapped her arms around her.

“Shh, Princess, I don’t care if you want to wear diapers.” Alicia said.

“Mami, you heard me.” Maria asked.

“Yes, Baby I overheard your conversation with Princess. I didn’t meant to eavesdrop on you but I came to tell you it’s time to go shopping.” Alicia said.

“Okay Mami.” Maria said.

“Mami do you think Papi will be angry with me when I tell him about my wanting to be a baby?” Maria asked.

“No your dad won’t be angry at you but concern for you. Because you want to be a baby” Alicia said.

“Why do want to be a baby?” Alicia asked.

“I don’t know Mami.” Maria said.

“When did you begin to get the feeling about wanting to be a baby?” Alicia asked.

“At the beginning of Sixth grade because all of my classmates except Margarita Estela Diaz made fun of me because of my size.” Maria said.

“Did you tell your teacher about it?” Alicia asked.

“Yes I did but she doesn’t stop them.” Maria said.

“Why haven’t told us what’s happening to you at school?” Alicia asked.

“I was scare you guys will blame me because the kids were making fun of me.” Maria said.

“We’ll never blame you for something like that.” Alicia said.

“You’ll never blame me for it.” Maria said.

“No we won’t never blame you for it.” Alicia said.

“Okay Mom.” Maria said.

“Mami I want to tell Papi tonight about my feeling to become a baby will you be there with me.” Maria said.

“Of course I’ll be there with you tell your Papi about your feelings to become a baby.” Alicia said.

“Let’s get you ready to go shopping.” Alicia said.

“Okay Mami.” Maria said.

Maria is dressed in a white panty, a white tank, a white short sleeve blouse, a pink skirt, a pair of pink sandals, a pink bow in her shoulder length black curly hair, a pair of gold girl’s earrings in her ears, a gold necklace with a gold cross on her neck, a white watch and a gold nameplate bracelet on her left wrist, a gold girl’s ring on her fourth finger of her left hand, and perfume on her head and clothes. Alicia is dressed in a white bra, a white panty, a yellow short sleeve dress, a pair of white dress sandals, light colored make up on her face, a pair of yellow earrings in her ears, a gold necklace with a gold cross on her neck, a gold ladies’ watch and a gold ladies’ nameplate bracelet on her left wrist, a gold ladies’ wedding ring on her fourth finger of her left hand, her shoulder black curly hair is combed back, and perfume on her head and clothes.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

Interesting idea, but you need to work on your writing style. The narration does not flow very well and all the names get confusing.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

D, Do tou know of any website with these problems?

A Sweet Little Angel 1

How is this crap any different from the crap you posted previously?


A Sweet Little Angel 1

Does anyone knows of a website with the problems that D brought up? I’m willingly to get some help with my writing.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

I’m willingly to get some help with my writing.

If that’s the case, then here’s a critique:

As near as I can tell, what you are going for here is that Ana and Michelle get punished (and, presumably end up back in diapers at some point) for making fun of Maria. Problem is, the progression of events in the story is wildly improbable. How does calling Maria a stupid baby merit “no television, no telephone, no friends coming to their house, extra chores, no computer unless for homework but under strict supervision, no cell phone, no dessert, no outing except for school and church, and going to bed right after dinner for the next two months?” Either Ana and Michelle need to do something a LOT worse or we need to know that their latest taunt is the final straw. The way you have it written now, there is no build-up and it doesn’t work.

There is virtually know characterization in this story. We know how old these girls are and that one of them is shorter than normal. That’s about it. Otherwise, they are strangers. And since we know next to nothing about them, why should we care what happens to them?
Your best bets for establishing character are through action or through dialogue, but the story lacks both of those as well. The dialogue is very stilted - brief declarations followed by brief replies. It doesn’t convey any sort of emotion whatsoever. Also, very little happens in this story.
Finally, a note on the names: they are confusing. There are a lot of them to keep track of in such a short segment and a bunch of them sound alike. This can partially be remedied by excluding the middle names and the last names when they are not needed. If Alicia Diaz is the mom, we don’t need to know that her daughters are Maria Diaz and Ana Diaz. Comprende?

Point of View
The POV in this story is very distant. It doesn’t really focus on any one character. This is useful for giving a broad view of a lot happening at once, but there isn’t a lot happening here. It doesn’t need to be first-person, but I think, with this kind of story, it does need to focus on one character for the reader to identify with (Ana, perhaps).

Sentence Construction/Syntax

Alicia Maria Diaz age 37 years old with her two daughters Maria Cristina Diaz age 11 years old and Ana Alicia Diaz age nine years old walked into Babies R Us store.

It goes without saying that this is extemely unnatural and awkward construction. Consider the order in which you give us information. You start with the subject (Alicia), but then you wait until the end of the sentence to tell us what that subject is doing (walking into a store).
If I were you, I’d present it like this:
Alicia Diaz, 37, walked into the Babies R Us store with her two daughters, 11-year-old Maria and 9-year-old Ana.

That should be a start. Ball’s in your court now. Be forewarned that if you repost basically the same subpar story under a slightly different title without making any effort to improve it, it may very well end up deleted.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

I fix it WingZ. Let’d see how you like it now.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

You’ve made some steps in the right direction, so I’ll start with the positives: there’s more dialogue and the dialogue sounds more conversational. Also, Maria seems to be better-defined in this version.

That said, there still isn’t much happening here. It’s quite short and a bit on the bland side. I’ll second what D said about the flow.

Further, some of the wording is still very awkward. I’ll use this as an example:

“Why do you think I’ve feelings to becoming a baby?” Maria asked.

“I don’t baby?” Olga told.

Maria’s line doesn’t really sound like something a kid would say and I’m not sure what exactly Olga is saying here at all. Is she saying she doesn’t know (and then calling Maria ‘baby’ as a term of affection)?

Consider something like this:
“I feel like I wanna be a baby again and I don’t know why,” Maria confessed.

Olga looked at her, confused. “I don’t know why either,” she said. “Have you told your parents about this?”

Finally, it seems like Maria is shaping up to be the main character here, but the story still feels detatched from her perspective. You may want to consider going inside her head a little bit.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

Thanks Wingz and Winnie Cooper for your replies. Winnie Cooper Tia is spanish word for Aunt.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

I fix it again. Let’s see what you think about it after I fix it again.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

Ya know, not trying to be rude or anything, but when your reply (above this post) contains… well…. at least three gramatical errors in two really short sentences, one wonders just how likely you are to correctly ‘fix it again’.

“I fix it again. Let’s see what you think about it after I fix it again.”

should be

I’ll fix it again (or, I fixed it again). Let’s see what you think about it now that I’ve fixed it again.

Even then, it’s repetative, along the lines of the following bit :

“Okay Mom.” Maria said.

“Okay Mom.” Ana said.

You seem to write as if you are making lists… just

“Okay Mom”, said Maria and Ana.

would be quite enough.

I should ask… is English your second or third language? You don’t write like a German or Francophone. If English is your first language, and you are in a grade above Junior High, then we got trouble….

A Sweet Little Angel 1

I fix it again. Let’s how you like ir now.

A Sweet Little Angel 1

Your characters are so one dimensional. We know nothing about them or their personality and the dialogue is just plain boring.

By the way, when someone is speaking, there are no quotation marks between sentences. As long as that same person is speaking, there is only one at where they start and one where they finish speaking.