A summer in my friend's home

this my first story ever in this genre and it took me a lot of time to finally decide to write so i hope you enjoy it .

this story will not have diapers in it and if for some kind of an unexpected change in the story course they happened to appear it will not be until a very long time…well i guess this is a good enough introduction….here we go :

Toffia and her best friend Jazlyn have just finished there final exams and they are on there way to Jazlyn’s home where they will be spending there summer.

Toffia was very nervous and excited at the same time nervous because she is going to meet her best friend’s family for the first time and that they might not like her and excited because Jazlyn’s home is actually a huge texican ranch and she has never been to a ranch before she couldn’t wait to see all the animals and cowboys. Jazlyn was the one behind the wheel since she is the only one with a driver’s license and a car , thinking about that reminded Taffia that it was only six more months from now and she will be finally able to get her own driver’s license since she will be sixteen.

Toffia sat back in her back seat which Jazlyn always insists she sits in whenever she rides with her in her car or any other car for that matter always saying that she is too small to sit in the front seat Jazlyn most of the time really tends to turn in to a mother hen around her most of the time that was okay for Toffia because almost everybody treated her that way and she has gotten used to it but sometimes it real got on her nervous, i mean, so what if she was really small for her age , it is true you rarely see a fifteen year old teenager who is four feet seven inches and who weighs 75 bounds but in the end she is fifteen for god’s sake she almost an adult and it is not really flatering to be mistaken for an eight year old kid most of the time, she knows that her flaming red hair, her big baby blue eyes, her very soft skin which for some kind of a miracle has been spared all the freckles which comes with the red hair except for three ones on her nose and the sun burned skin because surprisingly her very white skin can actually tan and she gets a very beautiful colour when that happens and finally her dimples don’t really help her look mature .

comparing herself with Jazlyn who is a total dropdead gorgeous always gets her depressed , she is almost six feet tall like all the other members of her family and she has the beautiful body of the olympian swimmer that she is with beautiful long blond hair , very vividly green eyes and a killing smile . standing next to her she cant blame people of thinking that she is her big sister or which happened a couple of times until now her mother which was really embarrassing.

until now Toffia can’t really understand how she and Jazlyn have come to be best friends in the past year of school…yeah sure they were roommates but she was a fourteen year old girl who went to the university early because she is some kind of a genius…a nerd…which was what students in her high school used to call her and who always got picked on for being smarter than everybody else around her and Jazlyn who was nineteen at that time and extremely popular and loved by everybody in uni and pretty smart herself not to mention beautiful but despite being all that Jazlyn took her under her wing for some kind of a reason since the first day they met and in no time they became best friends and now Jazlyn has invited her to spend the summer with her at her family’s ranch…she can already sens that it is going to be one of her most memorable summers ever…Toffia smiled and then drifted of to sleep

Re: A summer in my friend’s home

I sens that this needs a little bit more work.

Re: A summer in my friend’s home

ch 2

" wake up sleepyhead we are here "

When I opened my eyes after my long nape I looked around me a little groggily and I was stunned by the house’s size it looked like a freaking mansion

" omg , your house is amazing Jazlyn , I mean I knew you were rich but not that rich "

Jazlyn smiled at Toffia amused by her reaction and Toffia tried to cover up her shock by teasing Jazlyn

" but I can see why you would build the house so big , I mean with all of you so unnaturally tall you wouldn’t want to always bump your heads with the roof " Toffia smiled teasingly at Jazlyn who raised her right eyebrow in mock anger " I wouldn’t talk about any body’s height if I were you little miss ’ I can’t see from down here can you hold me up a little’ "

Toffia blushed a little but was fast to retort back to her friend “at least I don’t have to bend my head when I walk through a door, I bet you do that all the time, huh?”

Jazlyn could feel her best friend’s nervousness over meeting her family and her attempt to cover that up by teasing her and immediately her big sister instinct which she only felt around Toffia since she is the youngest in her siblings kicked in and she decided to lighten her friend up a little .

when a mischievous look appeared in Jazlyn’s eyes Toffia knew that something she might not like very much is about to happen and before she could do any thing Jazlyn lunged at her in the back seat and started tickling her furiously…now Toffia was very ticklish and Jazlyn knew that very well and thought that it is really cute and took every opportunity she can to do just that.Toffia started giggling really hard and beating at Jazlyn’s hands weakly trying to stop her but it was useless.
“stop…hahaha…Stop jazzy seriously…hahahah”
jazlyn was laughing hard now too Toffia was simply too cute and she couldn’t help but laugh with her
“take it back…take what you said back or I will keep tickling you all day long”
“ok…hahah…okkkay…hahah… I take it back…i take it back…haha”
the tickling stopped and the two friends sat grinning at each other happily.
“now…that is more like it don’t be nervous just keep smiling and be your self and they will all love you”
“you are a sadist who likes to torture people with tickling jazzy you know that”
“not people just you Toffi because you look so cu…”
“if you say cute I’m going to kill right now…thanks for taking my mind off of meeting your family though I was contemplating running away”
they both laughed and then jazlyn sobered and looked at toffia very serious suddenly
“that reminds me don’t you dare call me jazzy in front of my family…it took me years to make them see me as an adult and nobody is allowed to call me any thing but Jazlyn…ok?!”
“ok…sure but I don’t see why after all you let me call you jazzy?”
“that is different… you are like my baby sister plus you really sound adorable when you say it”
toffia gave jazlyn a dirty look “fine if I can’t call you jazzy you can’t call me toffi either”
“aww…come on I really like that pet name and it’s different for you you’re still fifteen and young unlike me”
“yeah right you are a very old woman now”
jazlyn smiled in amusement and before she could say any thing toffia said “hey…toffi is a very childish nickname and makes me sound even more younger than I look and and I let you call me that because you are my Bff and I love you but if I am not allowed to call you jazzy in front of your family I think it is only fair that you don’t call me toffi either”
Jazlyn smiled mischievously and raised her right eyebrow in mock threatening “if you don’t let me call you toffi and remember not to call me jazzy in front of my family I am going to tickle you to death…now how about that?”
“hey that is not fair”
“it seems fair to me”
toffia gave jazlyn another dirty look and said “fine…you tickling sadist…i don’t know what made me think I could actually win this conversation with you”
jazlyn smiled happily in amusement not caring about her friend’s dirty look to her " you are just too innocent and don’t know how the world works bumbkin…now come on before my family thinks that we are gonna spend the night in my car"
the minute they got out of the car a gorgeous tall woman in her forties opened the door and stepped out of the house with a very tall handsome man in maybe his midfifties they must be Mr. and Mrs. goldstone and behind them stood three women equally tall who were just as beautiful they must be jazzy’s older sisters.
“we were starting to wonder if you changed your mind about staying here and are just to embarrassed to come and tell us” said Mrs. goldstone hugging her daughter very tightly to her kissing her forehead " I missed you baby"
“I missed you too mom…this is my best friend Toffia honeyflower "
" seriously…your last name is really honeyflower” said Joan the second youngest sister
“Joan behave yourself” Mrs. goldstone reprimanded her daughter" it is very nice to finally meet you honey"
and then she hugged toffia very tightly to her chest like she is long lost daughter and then for five minutes everybody gave bearhuggs to her and jazlyn
for toffia being surrounded by all of this tall people it freaked her out a little and she was very grateful when Mrs. goldstone said that it was time to go back in to the house because dinner is almost ready jazlyn feeling for her young friend took her hand tightly in hers and escorted her in to her home.

Re: A summer in my friend’s home

I am so sorry you chose not to puntuate or spellcheck your work. It is a difficult read without it.

Please pay attention to such small details and you might turn a fairly dececnt story into something worth reading.

Re: A summer in my friend’s home

That’s a pretty substantial improvement syntactically.

And Vickie - my post highlighted the spelling and punctuation errors and general carelessness that were the failings of the first part. Not abundantly clear, but certainly not without useful implication.

Re: A summer in my friend’s home

The second post is better than the first. Your punctuation, word choice and grammar still needs work though - especially your punctuation. I see…3 periods in the entire post, and commas seem to have mysteriously disappeared in the second part of the post, too. I have some suggestions:

Read your story aloud to yourself before you post. If you take a short pause somewhere, put in a comma; if a longer pause, put in a period. Also, type out your story on Openoffice, MSWord or something with a spellchecker before copy-pasting it onto the forum. It helps.

Remember that all acronyms (like BFF) are fully capitalised and that all names and surnames begin with capital letters. Don’t use too many acronyms, though - a story isn’t a text message. Try to keep them to speech, and only when you would actually say the acronym than the word (i.e. you would say ‘BFF’ not ‘Best Friend Forever’)

Leave a line between paragraphs - it’s easier to read (like this post).