A Rough Exterior

I would really appreciate feedback. This is something I’m just trying out, and probably wont work, but I’ve had no writing ideas in the past forever, and this just popped into my head, so I figured I’d roll with it. All feedback, negative and positive is definitely welcome!


A Rough Exterior
By: buttercup-baby

“Yeah f*ck you too man,” I shouted at the criminal across the hall. I really shouldn’t have, as he is twice my size, and looks twice as tough. I don’t even know how I ended up in here. I mean, it was a fight, granted, the other girl got the worst end of the deal, but she deserved it.

I wanted to go use the phone so bad, but the officers wouldn’t let me. I’m a pretty seasoned prisoner, I have my name marked in this specific holding cell in 3 different places. But each time I’ve been here it was because of someone else, not me. I’ve never done anything wrong, never.

“Violet, this way please,” a female officer directed me.

“My name’s VaeVae bitch.” I retorted.

She ignored my comment, and continued to lead me down the hall.

I passed two other holding cells, a few offices, and was led into the conference room. They asked me about the fight, and I told them.

“Look Officer, she came at me, all I did was push her, it ain’t my fault the dumb bitch hit her head.”

“Violet, you do understand that Sara now has a head injury, that she was taken to the hospital?”

“Of course I do, but what about the other bitches that were there? They’s was doin’ stuff too.”

“Yes, but you, and you alone Violet, pushed her.”

I sat there while she called Grans and explained what happened.

“Your grandmothers on her way, Violet. Straighten up, your a good kid, and I’d hate to see you in jail at this age.” The officer said, walking out of the room.

I was free to go, for now.

“Vi, I don’t know why you are always getting’ yourself in trouble 'round these parts, y’know those hoodlums aren’t good for you.”

“I know Grans, I can’t help it,” I said to her, maintaining my guilt.

“Now suga-cakes, you can so help it. This will be the second time you’ve had a court date, ‘an things are lookin’ pretty serious this time, I don’t know if Papa and I will be able ta’ help ya out.” She said to me with a deep sadness pooling in her eyes.

I don’t know why it came to this, why I ended up in this position, in a meaningless life. I’m only 17, and I have an extensive criminal record. My friends are in no better shape than I am, and they are just as young.

I had a psychologist once tell me it was just a rough exterior, that I was really a nice and sweet person, that I only acted tough to shield out all the pain I suffered. I’m inclined to believe that statement, inclined to actually get help this time, straighten things out before they become deadly.

A Rough Exterior

You moved quite rapidly there; might have been nice to give us a greater flavour of the surroundings and a bit more sensory reinforcement of the bad situation she’s got herself into so her desire for repentance is easier to identify and sympathise with. The change from Violet calling a prison guard a bitch and her ruminating on the state of her life seems artificially sudden and could use some bridging and development, perhaps.

It’s a good start and a fine premise that it worthy of working on but I would have liked it to be more involved.

A Rough Exterior

It’s a prologue really, isn’t it. But yeh - I think it moves too fast in some places, but other than that, it’s a fine idea.

A Rough Exterior

"She ignored my comment, and continued to lead me down the hall.

I was free to go, for now. "

That’s the only place I can see it going wayyyy to fast. Didn’t even think of that. >.< I’m going to fix it for sure, thanks for pointing that out.

A Rough Exterior

I edited it so hopefully now it isn’t going so fast, and changed a few things based on feedback I got on another board.

A Rough Exterior

Nice editing and it’s really good to see someone actually changing their story and thus making all the commenting worthwhile. Nonetheless, there is still a passage I have a bit of an issue with:

“Yes, but you, and you alone Violet, pushed her.”

I sat there while she called Grans and explained what happened.

“Your grandmothers on her way, Violet. Straighten up, your a good kid, and I’d hate to see you in jail at this age.” The officer said, walking out of the room.

I think the ‘I sat their’ needs at least an adverb or perhaps some kind of ‘I sat their determinedly staring at the ceiling’ to fill the time space.

Also: grandmother’s. It’s not possessive, but it’s a contraction.

A Rough Exterior

And it should be “you’re a good kid” not “your a good kid”

A Rough Exterior

I liked the use of non typical colloquialism. This story reminds me of all those stories staring an adult (albeit immature and petite) woman being regressed by another adult that steps in as an authority figure and ultimately grows up from the experience. I can not remember that author’s name, but I know he has stopped writing. Anyway, I digress; I am interested in this story continuing. Good to see you are writing again.