Sorry I haven’t been posting here… forgot too, lol.
I fell asleep, to good dreams. I dreamt of my mother, I dreamt of what kind of life we could have together. She would bring me to school every morning, she would sign my tests, she would tell me she loves me. I could be her child - her actual child, she would be the perfect mother; if she was able to. I didn’t like to think of that, to think of the fact that she couldn’t be there for me. Sometimes my fantasies were enough, they were enough to give me the strength to go on, the strength to live.
I tried once, to kill myself, that is. I overdosed, of course, Grams thought it was because I was trying to get high. Sometimes I think, I think the only reason I do the things I do is to escape reality. I can take my frustration out on others, I can escape into a world of bliss, when I’m high I don’t think of anything bad, it’s all fun and games.
Grams says I know better, she says I know what I’m doing wrong and I should be able to stop it, I wish I could. Part of me knows better, and knows I could stop what I’m doing, but the other part wants to keep going. If I keep doing bad things, I could stay a child forever. I wouldn’t have any responsibilities - I wouldn’t have to worry about myself. People seem to have expectations of me, and they aren’t high at all. They know I will mess up, they know I will do something to ruin good things. If people don’t have high expectations, then I don’t have to live up to anything. I could live in the moment forever.
I woke up in a cold sweat, a sliver of light illuminated my bedroom as my door opened. I saw my grandfather standing there. No, I thought. No, no, he said - he said not again.
“Pa, pa, you said…” I began.
“Ssshhhh, Violet, we had a deal.” he told me in a hushed whisper.
“B-b-bu–” I couldn’t finish, my tears choked me, they streamed down my face and were soaked up by the pillow.
He covered my mouth, and I couldn’t protest anymore. If I did live with mom, we could go to the movies, we could go to the mall, I thought to myself as his bony fingers dug into my sides. The headboard hit the wall, and I had to wonder how Grans didn’t hear anything, I knew she was a deep sleeper, but sometimes there was just so much noise that it would be impossible to ignore.
“Now remember Violet,” he said to me while walking away, “we have a deal, and if you break that deal - you know what happens.”
“Pa, please, why - you said - you said last time, it was the last, you said,” I tried to reason in a hoarse whisper.
'Remember what I said," he told me in a firm tone, as he walked out of my bedroom, shutting the door softly behind him.
I cried, again. I cried so hard that I was sure my sobs were heard through the thin walls. As soon as I thought that I heard footsteps again. Please, Please not again, I thought to myself.
“Shut the **** up,” he told me.
I was too weak to respond. I heard the door close, and I curled up into a fetal position. I stifled my sobs with the pillow. I ran my fingers across my ribs, even the gentle touch of my fingers sent shots of pain throughout my body. I moved my fingers down, my Goodnite was ripped. He does it every time, he rips the right side - never the left; I don’t know if he does it without realizing it, or if he does it on purpose, to remind me of what he did, to remind me not to say anything.
My body went into a fit, I shook everywhere. I felt cold, my fingers, toes, even my knees, my breasts, my lips; they were all cold. I imagined myself, all my limbs blue, my face white. I shivered, not only from the cold, but from fear. I looked over at the window - it was closed, I saw the red glow of my space heater, it was warm in here. It wasn’t until then that I realized that it was all in my head - my mind was playing tricks on me. I shifted my body to the right side, and realized I did it again. I wet myself.
I felt down there, I definitely had an accident again. It made me cry even harder, I shoved the pillow into my face so I could barely breathe, if I couldn’t breath, Pa couldn’t hear me. I was too afraid to move - I was so uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to get out of the safety of my blanket. I had it wrapped around me so tight, it was like if I was completely covered the evil would stay out, even though I knew nothing, nothing but courage, could keep the sins away…