A Family Outting

Okay… I have been up all night burdened by inspiration. I’m really sick of writing stories and then getting burned out and not being able to complete them so… I’m trying a new approach. What I am about to share is basically a one shot. It’s a complete story but there is still room for additional stories with these characters. Also, because this is basically a one shot, it also technically belongs in the complete story section. I’ll leave the technicalities up to you, our great admins.

The reason I still want it in this section is for other potential future one shots I may or may not make with or without these characters. in case something like that ever does happen, I’ll probably rename the thread to “Storytime’s Story time” or something stupid and inane like that.

So, here’s to my… experiment I guess you can call it.

P.S I had to re-indent some of the lines so it might look like ass. If it bothers anyone, I’ll unindent everything cause I just had to go through and indent half of them by hand

[HR][/HR] Sarah had been excited all night. Tomorrow was the big day at the zoo. After a horrible final year at High School, including her best friend moving away, Sarah was excited for something to go right. She looked at the diploma hanging prominently on her wall above her computer desk. She checked to make sure her plush Sylveon and Vullaby were on her bed. Next, she looked around her soft toned, yellow room, re-admiring her various anime posters that she had gotten from cons attended. Finally, checking her e-mail and Youtube subscriptions one last time, she leaned out her door and wished her Mother and sister good night. Her mother responded in an equally chipper voice and her sister grunted as was her want to do.

A new day, she thought. No more high school. I’m going to make this summer count.

The next day, Sarah opened her eyes already regretting her alarm until the remembered! The Zoo was finally today! She squeezed her Vullaby tight and got out of bed. She had completely forgot to go to the bathroom last night in her excitement and now she was bursting. Still clutching the diaper pokemon, she ran to the bathroom door, knocking- no slamming against the door. Hearing nothing, she ran in just barely avoiding an accident.

In the middle of relieving her aching bladder, she heard a guttural cry of indignation and footsteps approaching the door.

“GOD DAMN IT, SARAH!”, it was her sister, Emily, right on the other side. “What is wrong with you? Can’t you ever go to the bathroom like a normal person?”

Her sister’s yelling made Sarah’s peeing intensify involuntarily out of fear. “I… had to go…”, she responded meekly, turning beet red to match her dyed hair. She felt a little silly for having the Vullaby in there with her now as it made her feel more infantile.

“Ya, you always “have to go”. If you can’t make it through the night like a big girl, I just got my license. I can drive you to get some more… age appropriate underwear…”, Emily’s words absolutely bursting with malice and a chilling sincerity.

Sarah was technically older than her sister but she was the quiet and more reserved of the two. It didn’t help matters that her little sister was bigger than her by a foot and had her driver’s license. She had even began to notice their parents treating them differently. Sarah was now the baby of the family while Emily handled more chores and even received a bigger allowance from their parents. On movie nights, Sarah would sit cuddled with her parents. She slept with stuffed toys and she had a weak bladder. The traditional markings of a baby sister.

All of this was now rushing to the fore with her sister’s taunts. She sniffled slightly, just barely holding back her tears. She never understood why Emily was so cruel. When Sarah was the big sister, she loved and protected Emily. She played with her whenever she could. Once Emily’s more outgoing and dominant personality began to take hold, she quickly took charge. Sarah was now the baby when they played house, Emily would invite friends over to sleepovers and whenever Sarah would try to join in, Emily would tease and belittle her older sister, often mocking her for her bedwetting, an issue Emily never had.

Emily, realizing her sister wasn’t answering, pressed her ear to the door and heard the slight sniffling. She knew she was going too far but it was Sarah’s fault for waking her up! Why couldn’t Sarah just be an adult like their Father? She sighed and tried to rectify the situation.

“I’m just teasing sis. You aren’t THAT much of a baby but like… just go to the bathroom quieter?”

A weak and barely audible, “Okay…” was all she heard.

Once the two were downstairs, Sarah in her yellow cardigan with sunflower buttons and a white shirt with grey stripes and blue jeans and Emily in a black hoodie with the Bloodborne main character holding Gherman’s scythe on it with matching blue jeans, the two ate breakfast in relative silence. Sarah was deliberately trying to keep her head down lest her sister insult her and Emily not really paying attention, absent mindedly scrolled through her playlist to find something to listen to and tune everyone out.

Standing in the kitchen not really minding the awkward dynamic was Laura, the girls’ mother. She was glad for the time off from the Hospital to see her daughters. Her husband was away doing some research for his new film and she was ecstatic to have the time to be with her babies. It amazed her how much Emily had seemingly grown, outpacing both her older sister and herself. She truly was her father’s daughter. Sarah was definitely more in line with her though. Both were short and Sarah seemed to have inherited her weaker bladder and reserved disposition. Naturally, she was aware of the unusual power dynamic between the two but never commented as it wasn’t her place. ‘Coddling Sarah wasn’t the solution’, Max would say, even though it made the most sense to her as a mother.

The three ate mostly in silence, the TV morning news and traffic report not withstanding. Everything was clear.

“So, how are my angels feeling? Let’s hit the road! We got a zoo to get to!” Laura said, trying to raise the morale for the upcoming two to two and a half hour drive to the zoo.

Of course, as she expected, Sarah responded with glee, finishing her OJ and grabbing her handbag and bounded to the door. Her smile absolutely lighting the room around her. Emily, while not morose, was a bit more subdued. She grabbed her handbag as well but chose to ascend the staircase.

“Sarah”, her mother began, also climbing the stairs, “Don’t you want to brush your teeth before we go?”
Blushing, she tittered nervously behind her and up the stairs only to see Emily already in the bathroom brushing her teeth. Laura went to the Master bathroom.

Sarah sidled in awkwardly and grabbed her toothbrush and waited. She knew Emily would not move for her. She reached for the toothpaste and waited her turn as Emily banged her head absentmindedly to music. Once she was done, she patted her sister’s head condescendingly before going to the toilet, finally allowing her sister to brush. While Sarah was brushing, Laura was already back downstairs, getting a little impatient. She knew that road conditions, while good now do not always stay that way.

“Don’t dawdle girls! We gotta get this show on the road!”

“We’re coming, we’re coming.” Emily responded, pulling one ear bud out.

Sarah scooched over, allowing her sister to wash her hands.

“Hurry up half pint, we gotta leave. I thought you were the one excited for the wions and tigewrs and beaws”, Emily teased in a baby voice.

Sarah spat in the sink and told her to shut up. Sarah finished brushing her teeth and both girls went downstairs.

“Oh Sarah,” Emily began, “Don’t you wanna take fairy-eon just in case?”

“Yes! You seem to love that thing.” Their mother absentmindedly agreeing, not realizing in that moment that Emily was teasing her and it wasn’t until she looked at the hurt and embarrassed face of her daughter before the realized what Emily was doing. “In the car, young lady. Now!” she snapped at the younger, but taller girl.

“Geez mom…” Emily began.

“Not another word. Go.”

Emily stormed off, seemingly angered and flabbergasted as though she had not just hurt her sister.
“Now she’s even got you in on it. Maybe I am nothing more than a baby…”, Sarah began, sitting on the bottom step.

“Sarah, you are an adult. A grown woman. You’re eighteen! You’re not a baby.” Laura began her pep talk, “I slipped up. You really do love that… umm… Fairy-eon thing. I genuinely thought it would be nice.”
“Mom! It’s Sylveon. This morning I nearly peed my pants in front of the bathroom. It came down out of nowhere and I barely made it. I think she’s right. Maybe I am just a little kid. Everyone else seems to agree. All my “school friends” thought so too!”

Wow… I might need to get her to see a shrink. Laura mused then finally said, “Hun, you are perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with needing a little help or having a slip up or two. Remember, I was just like you except I had two “little brothers” to ruin my days. I turned out okay and so will you. Now come gimme a hug.” She ended her little monologue by extending her arms.

Sarah fell into them, her head buried in her mother’s shoulder.

“Oh, can I borrow your e-reader, Mom?”

“Of course you can sweetie. Hurry and let’s go.”

Emily watched, a mix of anger, jealousy and genuine regret swirling through her head as the two emerged from the house. Emily had taken her place in the back, behind the passenger seat. Sarah crawled in beside her, buckling her seatbelt. Laura, took her place in the driver’s seat and the car rolled away. Emily kept her music in and looked out her window staring at the sky, only imagining how her mother and sister may have just said when she wasn’t there.

An hour on the road and Sarah felt a twinge in her bladder. She had completely forgotten to use the bathroom! She panicked slightly looking at where they were. Her mother had just merged into the highway traffic so even if she voiced her request, there wasn’t really going to be much of a reaction except to wait and hold it. She stole a glance at her sister who was nose first into her Vita playing a JRPG.

With a sinking feeling in her stomach and rising pressure in her bladder, Sarah expected the worst. She sat there reading her book. For the first fifteen minutes, she was fine. The car kept a steady pace. Within two minutes however, that changed. She noticed a sudden slow down. She looked out her window to see cars almost a stand still.

“Oh crap…” Laura whispered under her breath.

Sarah heard it and she almost gave in to despair right then. Something had happened, she was sure. She watched as her mother turned on the radio.

…on the 410. We have our CP24 eye in the sky monitoring the situation live. The radio blurted.
“Yup… definitely us.” Laura repeated, her leg bouncing slightly. She, like her daughter needed to go. She was not desperate but not seeing the accident in front of her gave her cause for concern for a potential accident within herself.

Another twenty minutes had past and the car had moved only five feet. Sarah was mortified. Her sister’s words from this morning about diapers swam in her skull like a shark, devouring what guppies of hope she had. Now she wished she had brought Sylveon. If nothing else, the pokemon could have hidden her master’s embarrassing and seemingly inevitable accident. Her mind and eyes wandered. In the car right next to them, she saw two girls, one about ten, maybe younger and the other… maybe twelve or thirteen, both squirming, obviously on the verge of an accident themselves while their parents seemed to reassure them. The mother put her hands between her legs and wiggled about, then turned her head to her daughters and the three laughed while the father drove, smiling as well. That kind of support made Sarah think of her own mother. She smiled and that gave her the confidence to finally say it.

“Mom…” She said, just barely audible, still not wanting Emily to hear.

Laura could already imagine. She had to go quite a bit so she could only imagine that Sarah was probably not going to make it, “Yes sweet pea?”

“How long until we get there?” She tried to suppress the shakiness and urgency of her voice.

“I don’t know hun. It was supposed to be a two hour drive. Two and a half in a pinch. There might be some kind of… jam… ahead.” She said, going deliberately out of her way to not say “accident”.

“Do you think you can pull over somewhere? Please?” Sarah said, noticing Emily’s renewed interest in her family and feeling the tears forming pre-empting her sister’s teasing.

Emily, for her part wanted to tease Sarah but seeing the pain and fear in her sister’s eyes, dissuaded her. Instead, she went back to her game, choosing to let the scenario play out and not risk her sister’s accident becoming her punishment. The little baby… I deliberately used the bathroom to show her what to do and now she’s gonna have an accident anyway and then Mom’s gonna dote all over her and give her all the special attention. What a baby.

Sarah saw the hate in Emily but felt a tangible relief that she was choosing to show her mercy and that relief felt moist. Instantly, Sarah tensed up, having a let a little slip just now but the damn was near breaking. That momentary slip brought her right to the edge. She knew she was going to lose this fight. She was almost about to give up when the car lurched forward and in her shock, she didn’t notice until she heard the soft hissing but she was wetting herself full force. She had completely lost her fight. She looked over at the other car to see the two little girls crying, dark patches on their pants and she joined in with them.

Emily cracked the window and made a point to not look at her older- yet paradoxically younger sister. Laura didn’t need to ask. She was just trying to focus on not looking every bit the baby like her daughter. She, like Sarah had been watching the car to their left and she could see the mother in that car had a blush on her face and a dark patch on her pants to match her children, like she could soon have with her daughter.

Emily turned up the music to drown out her sister’s sobs. She had opened the window so as not to drown in that pee smell she was more than familiar with coming from Sarah. Witnessing accidents was not a common thing for Emily, but it wasn’t a one-off rare event either. She knew her sister was a bedwetter into her teens and would have the occasional day time accident as well. She couldn’t understand how her sister could be such a baby. She wanted… to do something. Care for her? Mock her? Join… no. Not join her. She watched as their mother reached around and pat Sarah’s soaked knee.

“Oh hunny… it’ll be okay. Don’t worry. I always come prepared. When we get to the parking lot, I have a change of clothes for you in the trunk that I keep for… when whatever happens. You know! Mud… dirt… or…

“Pee. Mom. Pee.” Emily rasped, not able to keep silent anymore.

This made Sarah wail even louder.

“Why must you be so insensitive to your sister’s needs, Emily?” Laura retorted.

“ME?! I’m the one trying to be real here! This morning, before we left, I went to the bathroom RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER. She saw me and she didn’t put two and two together to think she should too? She’s supposed to be my big sister but she’s a baby!”

“Emily Megan Santiago, you shut your mouth or so help me.”

“This is so unfair. She acts like a little kid and you let her but when I try to point it out, suddenly I’m the bad guy!”

“You’re the bad guy because you mock your sister for something she can’t help.”

“If she can’t help it, that means she’s incontinent. Incontinent people wear diapers mom.”

“One more word and YOU will be the one in diapers, I promise you that.”

Emily turned away at that, not wanting to test her mother’s threat. She hated everything. Her sister WAS a baby and their mom basically just agreed with her that she was.

“… s-sh-she’s right mom…” Sarah coughed out in between sobs.

“Sarah, no she isn’t. You aren’t a baby.”

“Mom, I just…. I just…” Sarah trailed off in tears. She reached over and tapped Emily on the shoulder, who turned suddenly prompting Sarah to recoil in fear, raising her hands as though she was about to be hit, causing a fresh round of pee to be dumped into her pants, not that she cared for the latter.

Emily looked at the tiny girl and how she got even smaller after she turned to face her. She watched Sarah look up at her in fear before breaking down further, “You are right about me.”

Emily couldn’t take it. She didn’t hate her sister. She did hate the attention her attitude got her, she did hate how her parents, especially their mother would fawn over this timid creature. She hated that but whenever she tried to turn that hate onto her sister… she couldn’t. She hated herself for how Sarah was always of her. She broke down crying.

“No Sarah. I’m sorry. You’re not a baby. I… I don’t know…” Emily blurted out, processing this all way too quickly.

Sarah laughed through her tears, “Who am I kidding? I’m not a big sister. I’m not even five feet tall. I’m a baby who pees her pants.”

“Sarah, I’m sorry I make you feel that way. Would it help if I peed my pants?”

At that point, Laura jumped in. “Actually, I don’t have a change of clothes for you… so… don’t.”

“Of course you don’t,” Sarah raised her hands incredulously, “Why would you bring a change of clothes for your adult daughter? She doesn’t have accidents.”

“Well… I deserve to walk around in wet pants, don’t I?” Emily bargained.

“No… it’s not as fun as it sounds…” Sarah said, all too familiar with doing that.

Laura paused not wanting to lose this chance of bonding for her daughters.

“Well… girls. I kinda have to go pretty badly as well. I don’t really think it would do to have all three of us at the zoo in peed pants but we can get off the highway, find somewhere quiet and maybe try and get you cleaned up and maybe prevent my own accident. There is an off ramp coming up with a Shopper’s Drug Mart coming up. It’s the one before the Zoo’s off ramp. We can get off, clean up and then resume our journey. You know… assuming we even get there today…”.

“I don’t want anyone peeing their pants for me… Also… at the Shopper’s drug mart, there’s something I want to get.” Sarah said, giving Emily a knowing look and placing her hand on Emily’s thigh.

Fully grasping what her sister meant, Emily chided her saying, “No. Look… I said some awful things but no… Please Sarah.”

“We both know I deserve it.” Sarah said, sounding more convinced of this than anything else she had been sure of in her life.

“Fine… but… I’m joining you.” Emily responded with equal conviction.

“Deal.”

Laura, hearing this sighed in frustration. If I don’t get to a bathroom soon, the three of us are gonna be in diapers. “Well then, if you two are so sure about this, I expect you both to use the bathroom anyway like adults. I’m not going to let you two just revert back to babies but I am glad that you are fixing your relationship so whatever that is worth I suppose…

“Umm… Mom, if we’re in diapers, how are we gonna use the toilet?” Sarah questioned.

“What do you mean? Aren’t you guys gonna get depends or goodnites or something?”

“Oh. Oh yeah, good point. Pull ups would probably be easier.”

Emily couldn’t help but laugh. “After all this time, we’re actually talking about this and we’re both gonna be wearing them. That’s a little funny, you gotta admit.”

“I suppose…” Sarah said, not really getting the joke.

Around the front, Laura could now see the source of the accident. A three car pile up. She had been steadily inching her way forward in relation to her pee, which had been inching its way forward. Relief was not far behind. The car they had driving beside seceded, allowing them the advantage. Laura gave the husband and wife in front a painful and grateful look and the mother nodded in understanding. Laura had finally pulled through and sped up heading straight toward the off ramp which led to the Shopper’s Drug mart.

Rounding the bend, Laura was breathing deeply. She felt a few small squirts escape and finally pulling into a parking space close to the front, she bolted from the car.

Sarah and Emily watched their mother running in, a tiny dark patch on her jeans skirt and a little trail of pee leading inside. They watched their mother run up to an employee, obviously holding herself like a child. The employee looked awkward, yet understanding, slowly shaking her head. Their mother yelled, becoming increasingly animated. Her hands left their place at her crotch to be waved and pointing in the direction of the highway and her battle came to an end in front of the young girl at that moment. The girl jumped back and the girls’ mother cried into her hands, running to the exit. They watched as she got into the car, sobbing.

“I’m gonna park in a place away from the entrance where we can hide and get changed. Emily. You go in there and text me the waist size on the largest goodnites.” She choked out angrily.

Emily knew better than to snark, “Yes ma’am.”

Sarah watched in silence. Her own tight and clammy pants a constant reminder of her accident. After parking, she got out of the back, stretching her legs and was rewarded with a few cold drops running down the back of her legs. She kicked off her shoes before they could be damaged but she hoped her mother brought socks.
Emily got out and watched Sarah and her mother do the same. She raised her hood and took a deep breath. For many months she had teased her sister about potentially getting her diapers and now here she was. Not only getting her sister protection but probably for her mother and… yes, even herself. She had to hold to her conviction and support her sister. She was tired of feeling left out. Tired of seeing her mother and sister bond and getting the “mature” consolation prize. She walked in the store, going in the complete opposite direction of her mother. She found the diaper isle and walked it, looking for pull ups.

“Here we go, goodnites.” She whispered, feeling accomplished. She picked up the L/XL pack. It had an elastic waist meaning it would stretch to accommodate potentially larger hips and she texted it to her mother. Satisfied with the response, she took the pack to the front and paid. Fortunately, it was a different girl than the one her mom had peed in front of but she still got a sideways look or something Emily certainly interpreted that way. Package secured, she power walked out the door, back to the car with her mother and sister. When she got outside, she was surprised to see another car and she could hear laughter. Certainly her mother and sister were laughing but there was a man’s voice and some young children and another woman roughly her mother’s age or younger.

“Umm… Hi…” Emily lead off nervously, glancing around wondering if this was all a prank. That her mother and sister had set her up by peeing themselves. That this was what they talked about when they left the house originally.
Before she could get too far down that rabbit hole, her mother and the mystery woman walked up to her laughing. Laura began, “Emily, you will not believe this! This is Rose, the lady who was in the lane next to us. She and her daughters had accidents also! Isn’t it a small world?”

Emily laughed nervously, not quite yet convinced. Then the Rose lady began to speak.
“Hello Emily, at least one of us females here is a big girl! Your mom and sister and me and my girls all saw each other at different stages during each other’s accidents. The way your little sister turned to you and the way you seemed to comfort her was just sweet. You are a great big sister.
“Actually, Sarah is-“

“Hey, you got the goodnites!” Sarah interrupted her, “Thanks big sis! I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Emily, again welled up with emotion. She dropped the pull ups on the floor and walked to the front of her car and tried with her best effort to pee herself but her body wouldn’t co-operate. She had to settle for wet cheeks over wet pants.

“Oh dear… I’m sorry… did I say something wrong?” Rose drew away as though someone had punched her.

“No no… I think Emily’s just had it rough. She’s not used to the pressures of being a big sister and watching out for Sarah.” Laura said, choosing her words very carefully, her double speak hitting its mark.

“So… those are… happy tears then?” Rose said, confused.

Laura bent over to pick up the pull ups, “Yes.”

Laura helped Sarah clean up then change, while Rose went back to her car to give the family privacy. Sarah accepted her pull up and put on a flower patterned skirt over it, keeping her cardigan and tee, while Laura changed into a patternless skirt with her pull up underneath and after staring at it and crying for a few minutes, Emily put on hers as well and slipped her jeans back on.

Laura tapped the hood of the neighboring vehicle, indicating their decency. The family emerged, still wearing their wet clothes.

“I guess now I know that it’s always better to bring a spare change.” Rose said, wringing her hands nervously.

“Look… we were going to the Zoo as a family day and… well… we can’t quite go like this. None of us brought a change. We’re heading home but we have this planner… I don’t know where your family is going but the zoo is great during the summer, especially for little Sarah. I do recommend you go. Also, to Emily, do you babysit? Because I could use a good one. Your sister is ten right? My youngest, Lily, is eight and oldest, Serena, is eleven. I could use a baby sitter if you’re free. Your mom told us we actually only live a few blocks down so we can all see each other around!

Laura was dumbdounded, too dumbfounded and Emily had to pick up the slack, “Thank you for your offer. We were actually heading to the zoo ourselves but I think you hit the nail on the head. Today was pretty full as is. I would love to babysit though! I was hoping to get a job this summer.”
Rose nodded, impressed by Emily’s professionalism. “Well. Since you guy are heading back anyway, why not come to our place?”

“Yes, that would be lovely!” Laura finally jumped in, remembering herself.

Sarah watched the proceedings in relative quiet. She went down to the hood and stood by her sister, her butt lightly crinkling. For many years, she had been abused by this girl, to the point that she had learned to live in fear of her and yet… now that she had finally given in, that seemed to change their entire relationship for the better. Sarah was incredibly confused by Emily’s actions and reactions but for right now, she just wanted to enjoy the fact that she had a happy relationship.

“Mom,” Sarah interrupted the conversation, “Is it okay if I buy water for the trip back?”

“Yes dear, make that two, I am parched.”

“Make it three.” Emily jumped in, winking at her sister.

Re: A Family Outting

Cute little piece. I have a couple of observations: first, Sarah’s name inexplicably changes to Ashley a couple of times in the middle. :slight_smile: (Oops.)

Aside from that:

You have a sweet family dynamic to play with (nothing we’ve never seen before, though throwing Mom into the mix is a bit unusual) and it’s a pleasurable read. There are, however, some things that don’t work. For instance: how on earth can anyone driving next to another car see dark patches grow on the pants of the girls traveling in that car? All you can see of the people in the next car are their heads. You can’t see their torsos, let alone their crotches. I mean unless you’re a trucker and they are in a convertible. As this is a significant aspect of the plot here, it seems to be a significant issue.

Another thing is the speed of development. I know you said you wanted a one-off so it would be finished, but you’re actually creating a complicated set of relationships here; tossing them out in a few quick scenes gives us only a superficial view of the sisters and their mom. We get the cliché older sister acts younger and is smaller while younger sister is more mature and feels cheated somehow situation without any real depth to the girls themselves. As a result, when Emily offers to wear a pull-up it just doesn’t ring true to the character you’ve given us. We don’t know enough about her to believe she would do such a thing. And Mom’s incontinence too seems more of an authorial convenience than anything real: if she truly could not hold herself for even a couple of hours, she’d be prepared for eventualities like this. She’d probably already be wearing pull-ups. Adults don’t let themselves get into these situations and they do know their limitations: Laura would understand that, well, accidents happen, on the highway as well as anywhere else. It couldn’t possibly be the first time ever.

Also, about Rose’s family: I’ve already mentioned the logical leap of knowing what is going on potty-wise in the car next door. (I suppose it might be possible to extrapolate from body language if they are being very demonstrative, but definitely not from clothing. And cars don’t remain exactly side by side in traffic jams.) But what I want to say right here is this: If you wish a piece to be a one-off, it’s odd to introduce a brand new and fascinating element right at the end.

Look… we were going to the Zoo as a family day and… well… we can’t quite go like this. None of us brought a change. We’re heading home but we have this planner… I don’t know where your family is going but the zoo is great during the summer, especially for little Sarah. I do recommend you go. Also, to Emily, do you babysit? Because I could use a good one. Your sister is ten right? My youngest, Lily, is eight and oldest, Serena, is eleven. I could use a baby sitter if you’re free. Your mom told us we actually only live a few blocks down so we can all see each other around!

Laura was dumbdounded, too dumbfounded and Emily had to pick up the slack, “Thank you for your offer. We were actually heading to the zoo ourselves but I think you hit the nail on the head. Today was pretty full as is. I would love to babysit though! I was hoping to get a job this summer.”
Rose nodded, impressed by Emily’s professionalism. “Well. Since you guy are heading back anyway, why not come to our place?”

“Yes, that would be lovely!” Laura finally jumped in, remembering herself.

Sarah watched the proceedings in relative quiet.

Here, right near the end, you remake Sarah into a Little. It’s clear she’s always had this potential, but right here, when she hears herself being described as a possible playmate for the ten and eleven year old daughters of Rose, she has no reaction whatsoever. And neither do Emily or Laura. Laura, we are told, is “dumbfounded,” but says nothing but “that would be lovely.” Emily agrees to babysit in a scenario that, based on what has just been said, might include her older sister. And you open all of these wonderful doors right at the end and expect your readers to think of this as a one-off? You might call it a one-off if you wish, but even you say you want to write more about these characters. If it were truly a one-off, though, the strange dynamics of this family relationship would feel complete and clear, but right now they beg so many questions I just want to know more.

The really good news? I want to know more. You’ve invited me into this family and I like them. So what if I’ve seen scenarios like this before? You have your own unique take on it. But take your time with it. Don’t rush it for the sake of making it a brief piece and therefore leave it underdeveloped.

Re: A Family Outting

God damn I feel so stupid. I cannot for the life of me find the Ashley parts. I’ll find them though.

P.S Got em, thank God for ctrl + F.

Honestly, thank you for your criticisms. I have no real defense of the sisters’ dynamic other than that… I like that trope lol. That’s really it. My favourite stories are Princess Pottypants’ Sierra stories and “The Whole Truth”. It’s such a psychological playground but I also want to explore the psychology of the younger child because I never really believe the complete and utter inhumanity of some of these younger characters. I know I stumbled in trying to bring Emily to life but it’s something I will continue to experiment and now, after reading your comment, I might post more of them here because you caught so many things that I never even thought of.

For example. I don’t drive. At all. I take the bus almost exclusively. The best I can say is… They own an SUV and the other family owns a regular 4 seater? I don’t know. It’s probably just a horrible logical leap and I have no real excuse other than that.

The non-reaction at the end was definitely out of laziness and not intentional. That was just BAD writing on my part. There should have been but the sun was coming up and I was falling asleep. Should I have left it and come back? Well… yes and no… yes because I might have been able to correct the problem, no because I may never even finish the project if I do. You have no idea how awful I am with this. More than anything, I just want to FINISH something. That desire to at least complete a work is just enough that I will accept the ding. It’s a trade off and one I will have to make… for now. As I get more accustomed to writing on a regular basis, I’ll maybe re-introduce breaks and long form stories when I can trust myself to actually follow through.

I know these are horrible excuses but it’s all I got. Like I said, this is an experiment. I’m trying to stick to a schedule and just get stories out there. I fully and completely am gonna take these to heart and try to improve. I do actually have a plan for these characters but I don’t want to promise that as I would have to in a serialized format. It all depends on whether or not I can actually stick to my schedule and write these. That’s why I distinctly want it made clear that this story, as I want it to be, is complete. I left it like that purposely (Not the character awfulness that you pointed out before, but the potential future adventures). Consider it an awful origin story.

P.P.S As for Laura, i was kind of going for a favouritism theme with her. That was her “punishment”. I didn’t make that clear though so I’ll say that my intention was to create a kind of flaw of unintentional favouritism of Sarah over Emily because they are more alike physically and Emily is more like her father physically and emotionally. So in the end, her faults as a parent put her in the same boat as Sarah. It was supposed to be more poetic than logical. The reason I’m bringing this up at all is because I do want a specific response to this, just tips on improving and how to best go about this in the future.

Thanks again!

Re: A Family Outting

First, let me congratulate you for getting a project finished. It feels great, even if it didn’t come out the way you wanted it to.

Suggestions:

  • This actually serves as a better outline than a short story. I understand your frustration about wanting to finish something, lord knows the forums are littered with my incompletes. If I were you, I’d sit back and start filling in the scenes a little better. You went to a great deal of trouble to give us every gory detail of how unalike the two girls were dressed, which felt entirely too forced, like you were beating me over the head with how girly one was and how not girly the other was, even though not being girly doesn’t necessarily indicate maturity. And that was literally the last in-depth description we got. Nothing of the house, nothing of the car (other than it being an SUV). Take a breath and think out each scene. Rather than flying into the meat of the story (the peeing in the car incident), build up to it. Think about the rest of Sarah’s life for a minute. Clearly there’s more to her than being immature and having a weak bladder. Put some more meat on her bones. Same for Emily. Hang some meat on that skeleton! Clearly there’s more to her than just goth metal t-shirts and verbally abusing her sister.

  • You’re explaining a ton ex post facto - that’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. Whenever I find myself explaining something about a character in the discussion about one of my stories (as opposed to the story itself), it’s a mental checkbox for me - need to do a better job developing the character, so these kinds of questions get answered before they’re asked.

  • For me, the sudden metamorphosis of Emily in the car was what threw me completely out of the SoD. That literally came from left field, one second she’s taunting her, the next she’s volunteering to piss herself too? You’ve gotta give me more of a transition there. And while you did show Emily doing the same thing that morning, when Sarah started crying on the toilet, it still felt disjointed, surreal, how quickly she went from cruel to kind. I gotta see some motivations here! It’d be one thing if the teasing was playful, but she was being a straight up bitch and then suddenly she wasn’t. All goes back to characterization.

Keep working at it. It’ll get better the more you do it! :slight_smile:

Re: A Family Outting

Thank you very much! I will definitely keep trying to be more detailed. What is SoD though? I googled it and nothing came up so I assume it’s an ABDL thing then?

Ya, I really flubbed Emily it seems. I need to remember specifically to be more clear and plainly stated. I won’t try and explain my reasoning behind her here but instead try and put it into whatever short story I write next and I’ll try and make it full and complete and not just an outline.

Re: A Family Outting

[QUOTE=Storytime;69804]Thank you very much! I will definitely keep trying to be more detailed. What is SoD though? I googled it and nothing came up so I assume it’s an ABDL thing then?

Ya, I really flubbed Emily it seems. I need to remember specifically to be more clear and plainly stated. I won’t try and explain my reasoning behind her here but instead try and put it into whatever short story I write next and I’ll try and make it full and complete and not just an outline.[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I shouldn’t abuse acronyms like that. SoD = Suspension of Disbelief. I figured in context it would make sense, but I guess not. :smiley:

Re: A Family Outting

Nicely done and well written. I like what we’ve been shown of the characters. I agree that it’s underdeveloped and I’d love this to be made into a larger story.

Re: A Family Outting

I do have a question for Ally. What do I do if I bring back these characters but in a story not wholly connected to this? There will be some links and some element of continuity but it won’t be a straight up part 2. Should I use this thread for that story? Do I make a new one?

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Re: A Family Outting

If it has its own title and stands on its own, it belongs in its own thread. A link back to this thread might be nice for readers. If it is parts/chapters of a longer work where someone is expected to have read the previous parts to make sense of what is going on, then the most common practice is to keep it in one thread.